Clean Break (17 page)

‘I want this, I want that! Whatever happened to
Please may I
?' said Gran. ‘It's madness taking the children to this godforsaken fair, especially with Maxie in one of his moods. We need to go shopping. All three kids could do with new shoes, though I suppose I'm the one who's got to fork out for them.'

‘It's very kind of you, Mum, but I think the children can wait for their shoes,' said Mum, trying to keep her voice steady. ‘You go shopping by all means, but
we're
going to the Green Fair.'

I wondered if Mum would back down at the last minute, but she organized us into getting ready, leaving the emerald ring hidden at home but letting Dancer come with us.

‘She has to. She's part of the family,' said Mum. ‘Say goodbye to your gran, everyone.'

We said goodbye. Gran sniffed at us. She waited until Mum was opening the front door.

‘I know why you're going to this wretched fair,' she called. ‘You're such a
fool
, Julie.'

Mum slammed the door behind us with a big bang.

‘Interfering old biddy! Why does she have to keep bossing us about all the time?' Dancer said.

Vita and Maxie laughed. Mum tutted at me, but she couldn't help laughing too.

I worked out what Gran meant when we got to the Green Fair. It was heaving with colourful people in rainbow-coloured clothes. A lot of the guys had long hair. Some had dreadlocks, some had ponytails – and several had plaits.

Vita and Maxie clamoured to have their faces painted. Vita chose to be a lilac fairy with flowers on her cheeks. Maxie was an orange stripy tiger.

‘What about you, Em?' said Mum.

‘No thanks, it's just for little kids,' I said.

‘You
are
my little kid,' said Mum.

‘And you're my little mum,' I said, putting my arm round her tiny waist. I kept holding her. ‘Mum, Dad's in Scotland now.'

‘Yes. He is. Well, as far as we know,' said Mum.

‘Are you hoping he might be here, even so?'

‘Of course not,' said Mum, but she went pink in the face. ‘For goodness' sake don't say anything to Vita or Maxie! No, Dad won't be here, that's a mad idea. Though he did always come to the Green Fair when it was on, and he even talked about trying a Fairyland stall here. You know how he loves this sort of thing.'

I tried to love the Green Fair too, but it didn't
have the right sort of fair food. It was all tofu and couscous and grated carrot with weird watery coconut milk to drink.

It didn't have the right sort of fair rides either. There was no helter-skelter. There were no dodgems or big wheels or roundabouts. There were tyres on ropes hanging from trees instead of swings, but they weren't much use to us. Vita and Maxie were so little and skinny they'd have fallen straight through the hole, and I was so big and fat I worried I'd poke my head and shoulders through and then get stuck for ever.

I liked a stall of semi-precious stones. I stayed there for ages, fingering the smooth agate and amethyst and crystal pebbles while the stallholder told me they'd bring me love and luck and happiness. I wanted them all.

‘You don't need
semi
-precious stones, Em,' said Mum. ‘You've got your very own emerald safe at home.'

I squeezed Mum's hand. I thought hard about my emerald. My head filled with its intense green light. ‘Please please please grant me love and luck and happiness,' I wished inside my head.

I opened my eyes, almost believing I'd find Dad there in front of me. I turned my head from side to side, my eyes swivelling over the crowds, searching for him.

Mum was looking round too. Then she stood still, her eyes wide, her mouth parting.

‘Mum? Mum, what is it? Have you seen Dad?' I asked, shaking her arm.

I couldn't see any sign of him. Mum seemed to be staring at a family by the children's tent. There was a massive guy in a black vest, his big jeans buckled under his beer belly. He had long coarse yellow hair past his shoulders and a face the colour of tinned ham. He was helping his tubby little toddler son to ride a trike, bent over so that you could see too much of his horrible wobbly bottom. His skinny dark-haired wife had a fat baby riding on her hip, guzzling juice from a bottle.

The big fat guy was staring back at Mum. Then he waved his big beefy arm and started striding across the grass towards us.

‘Who's this man, Mum? Do you know him?' I asked.

Mum swallowed. ‘Oh, Em. It's your dad.'

I looked at Mum like she'd gone crazy. How could Mum think this massive meaty man could possibly be Dad?

Then I realized. He was my
real
dad.

‘Let's run, Mum, quick,' I said.

I'd been too little when we did a runner to remember what he looked like. Mum had long since torn up all the photos. But I couldn't forget the
threat of his voice, the thump of his blows, the sound of Mum screaming.

I grabbed Mum's arm and pulled. She was standing as if her silver sandals had grown roots and she was planted for ever in the muddy turf.

‘It's Julie! By God, it really is!' he shouted, marching over to us.

‘Who's that man?' Maxie asked, biting his bottom lip.

‘How does he know you, Mum?' Vita asked.

‘Quick, we're all going to run for it,' I said, but it was too late.

He was standing so close we could smell him. He was grinning, hands on his hips, shaking his head so that his hair rasped on his shoulders.

‘I can't believe it! Well, Julie, long time no see.' But he wasn't looking at her, he was looking at Vita, with her painted flower face and her fluffy hair and her pink and lilac little-girly clothes.

‘Is this little fairy my Emily?' he said.

‘I'm not Em!' Vita said indignantly. ‘
That's
Em.' She pointed at me.

My dad took a proper look at me and then burst out laughing. ‘Of course you're Emily!' he said. ‘How could I have mixed you up? Talk about a chip off the old block!'

I was appalled. I didn't really look like this big fat ugly dad, did I? Oh God, I did, I did. I shrank
as his big blubbery hand reached out and squeezed my shoulder.

‘My, you've grown up, kiddo. I can't believe it! So who's the fairy and the little gnome, Julie?'

‘They're my other kids, Barry,' Mum said shakily.

‘I'm not a gnome, I'm a tiger. I'll bite you if you don't watch out,' Maxie threatened.

I grabbed hold of him but the big guy was just laughing.

‘Help! Help! Don't eat me, big tiger,' he said, in a silly squeaky voice. Then he looked at Vita. ‘What are you going to do, Magic Fairy? Are you going to wave your wand and grant me a magic wish?'

‘No way,' said Vita, folding her arms. ‘I'm keeping all my wishes for me.'

My dad laughed again and looked at Mum. ‘Well, your kids do you proud, Julie, all three of them.'

He played silly tricks with Maxie and Vita, pretending he was twisting their noses off, sticking his thumb through his fingers to make them think he'd really done it. They laughed at him scornfully, not the slightest bit frightened. Then he tried it with me, but I dodged out of his way.

‘Sorry, sorry!' he said, holding his hands up. ‘You're too old for larking about, I know. How did you get to be so grown up, Emily? Dear oh dear, you and me have missed out on a lot. Perhaps we
could spend some time together so you can get to know your old dad?'

‘I've already got a dad,' I said.

Mum tensed.

‘Oh well, I'm glad to hear it,' said my dad, nicely enough. ‘So things have worked out for you, Julie?'

Mum nodded, holding my hand tight.

‘That's good. I know you and me – well, it didn't work, did it? Maybe I gave you a bit of a rough time.'

‘Maybe,' said Mum.

‘Still, I'm off the drink now. Regular family man. That's my new lady over there, and my boys, bless the little bruisers. Want to come and meet them?'

‘Maybe not,' said Mum.

‘Yeah, it's all a bit awkward. Oh well. It was nice seeing you. And I'd like to keep in touch, hear about my Emily. Where are you living now?'

Mum hesitated.

‘At Gran's,' Maxie blurted out.

My dad pulled a silly face. ‘Oh dear! Perhaps I'd better keep my distance. We were never the best of friends!'

He waved his fat fingers at us and then ambled back to his new family.

‘Thank God he's gone!' Mum whispered.

‘Is that man really Em's dad? I thought Em's dad was a really scary man?' said Vita.

‘He is,' said Mum. ‘Well, he was. I don't know. Maybe he's changed.'

‘I don't like him,' said Maxie. ‘He took my nose.'

‘I don't like him either,' I said. ‘Come on, let's all walk the other way, quick.'

‘Our dad's much nicer than Em's dad,' said Vita.

‘That's enough, Vita,' said Mum sharply. She put her arm round me. ‘Don't worry, sweetheart,' she said. ‘He's gone now. We'll never see him again. Come on, there's an ice-cream van over there. Proper Whippy ice cream. I'll treat us all to a ninety-nine.'

I had a large cone with strawberry sauce and rainbow sprinkles and two chocolate flakes. I caught sight of myself reflected in the van window as I had my first long lick. I saw my big pink face, my fat sausage fingers. I stopped licking. I let the ice cream melt until it dripped up my arm. Then I threw it down and trod it into the mud.

‘
YOU DIDN'T SEE
him, did you?' Gran said, when we got home.

‘We didn't see
my
dad, but we saw Em's!' said Vita.

Gran thought she was making it up at first. Then she got furious with Mum.

‘You mean you didn't pin him down about making maintenance payments for Em? For pity's sake, Julie, what are you like? There was a golden opportunity. Why do you let all these awful guys in your life walk all over you? Why won't you try to screw them for everything you can get? I know that pig doesn't give a damn about his own daughter, but he's her father and he should pay for her.'

‘Stop getting at Mum, Gran,' I said. ‘My dad
does
give a damn, he wanted to take me out, so
there! But I don't want to so I don't have to, do I, Mum?'

‘That's right, darling,' said Mum.

‘Oh yes, that's right, you all do what you want. What about me? When can I do what
I
want?' said Gran. ‘I've worked hard all my life. I've managed on my own. I've brought you up single-handed, Julie. Just when I've got to the time of life when I thought I could ease off, have a bit of fun, take a holiday like anyone else, I'm landed with you and your three kids and I'm the muggins paying all the bills.'

‘I'm trying to pay my way, Mum, you know I am. Once I get the credit cards paid off I'll be able to pay a lot more,' my mum said, her face crumpling.

‘Look what you've done, Gran, you've made her cry,' I said furiously.

‘Oh, it's easy to give up and burst into tears. Did you see
me
crying when that con-man Frankie stole my savings?'

‘He didn't steal them, Mum, he just borrowed them,' Mum sobbed.

‘Oh yes, and he'll pay it back? And pay off all your debts too?' Gran glared at Vita and Maxie and me. ‘You kids think your dad's such a lovely guy for giving you all these ridiculous treats and presents – and flipping emerald rings! He didn't pay a penny for them. Your mum and I are the poor fools who've ended up forking out for the lot.'

‘Shut up, Gran! My dad
is
lovely,' Vita yelled. ‘I looked and looked and looked for him at the Green Fair and it's so mean, because Em got to see her dad and I want
mine
.' She started shouting it over and over again, almost having a Maxie-type tantrum. He was crying too, just so he wouldn't be overlooked.

‘There! I told you going to the stupid Green Fair was a silly idea. The kids have got all worked up and over-excited,' said Gran.

I wondered if she knew how much she twisted things round. Did she really think she was right all the time? Did she like making us all feel bad?

I could hear Gran and Mum carrying on rowing all the time I was upstairs with Vita and Maxie. I put Dancer on my hand and told them a long story about the special Snowy White Fairs they have in Lapland. When I came downstairs at last I found Mum and Gran sitting on the sofa together. Mum was still crying but Gran had her arm round her.

‘Come here, Em,' said Gran, holding out her other arm. ‘Come and have a cuddle.'

‘No thanks,' I said, sitting on the spare chair instead. I flipped through Gran's
Hello!
magazine as if I couldn't care less.

‘Ooh, look at Little Miss Sulky,' said Gran.

I did my best to ignore her. I stared hard at
Hello!
, imagining living in a huge house with white
sofas and gold chandeliers and televisions hanging on the walls like a painting. I pretended Dad was a truly famous movie star and Mum had her own chic chain of hairdressing salons and I was their thin-as-a-pin daughter, sitting at their feet and smiling sweetly at the camera.