Click Here (to find out how i survived seventh grade) (6 page)

“She won’t even let me in her house,” said the other. “I stood on her front porch and talked to her through the door.”

“That Erin Swift,” the first one said. I sat up straighter. “I can’t believe she did that. She’s so —”

“She’s a loser,” interrupted the second girl. “Without Jillian, she’s nobody. Did you hear Jillian is on Track C and Erin’s on A Track? Swift is on her own.”

My cheeks burned. I knew I should burst out of the stall, shouting, yelling …something. But I couldn’t. I closed my fist tighter around the pin, letting the sharp point poke into my palm. I just wanted them to go away. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.

They shuffled across the floor in my direction. My heart raced. What if they looked under the door? I glanced down at my ratty red Chuck Taylors. They’d know my feet.

Pulling my Chucks back on either side of the toilet, I prayed they wouldn’t check. When they passed my stall, I sighed with relief and leaned slightly to the left to peek at them through the narrow gap between the door and the stall. They were drying their hands with paper towels.

“Someone already took down the pictures,” one girl whined. “And after all that work.”

I smiled. Jilly. Nanny-nanny boo-boo on them.

The restroom door opened again and the two girls stopped talking. I shifted my weight to see who came in, but she was just out of my sight line.

The first girl lowered her voice but I could still hear her. “I bet some people will say mean things about the way she looks when she comes back.”

“She deserved it.” I recognized that voice.

“You think everyone deserves it, Velarde.”

“Nope,” said Rosie. “Just her.” I heard footsteps coming closer. “She’s like a tick in a dog’s ear. That’s what my grandma would say. Of course, she’d say it in Spanish, which you wouldn’t understand.” I heard feet shuffling. “She doesn’t have to be so mean to everyone.”

“She’s not mean to everyone,” the first girl protested. “And I can’t believe you called her a tick. I’m going to tell her.”

Rosie snorted. “Oooh. I’m scared.” Her voice was low, near the floor. She was checking under the stalls! I backed up as far as I could as the stall door beside mine opened and closed. I held my breath, wondering if Rosie had seen my feet. A few seconds later I got my answer.

A hand appeared suddenly on my side of the stall, waving its fingers. I wondered if it was a friendly, how-ya-doing wave, or a I-won’t-blow-your-cover-but-you-owe-me wave. It didn’t really matter, though. I was so grateful for those wiggling fingers. I reached out to them, wanting to hold onto them. But just as quickly as they appeared, they were gone.

And then I wondered if I’d seen them at all.

Yes, this is a brand-new page with its very own link. Why, you may ask? Cuz after Rosie wiggled her fingers at me, after I survived my 1st day of detention and went back to my locker, I found a stuffed puppet sitting there, covered with mud and gunk. Someone had propped up a sign that said: ERIN SWIFT, QUEEN OF THE PUPPETS. Spent the next 15 minutes cleaning up…didn’t tell Mom why I was late getting out to the car…should have shown Puppet Porter how some people don’t respect puppets.

Of course the meanest girl in the whole world did this…not her exactly cuz she wasn’t in school today. Even if she was, she’d be 2 chicken to do it herself. She had her stupid friends do it. Jerkettes of the World.

So, cuz of this latest horrible thing and cuz I HATE HER, S.W. gets her very own HATE-O-RAMA web page. Isn’t she lucky.

Public Enemy #1

[Note to self: insert ugliest photo in the world of S.W.]

Serena Worthington, aka Serena Poopendena, Serena Snottington, Serena the Teenage B----.

Things I Hate About PE #1

(besides the obvious recent events)

• She’s already 13 and thinks she’s hot stuff.

• She already has some boobs, not just pokies.

• Some people like her even though she’s not a nice person. (What’s wrong with them?)

• She called me names and didn’t get in trouble (that sticks and stones thing is a bunch of poopola).

Revenge Ideas

• Cut off all of her hair, including her eyelashes.

• Throw her into the Forbidden Hedge.

• Spit in her soup.

• Find out which boy she likes and tell him that her mom was the bearded lady in a small circus and it’s only a matter of time B4 her beard starts growing 2.

Random Thoughts

Rosie thinks Serena is an annoying tick in a dog’s ear…she’s worse than a tick…a mosquito, poking at people, sucking their blood, and leaving a bad itch behind.

Chris is giving me the ST (Silent Treatment) cuz his prediction was right. Amanda apparently went off on him about me hitting Serena and told him that only a real jerk would have a sister like that. Hello? I tried to tell him that someone who would blame him for something I did was probably not worth it, but he acted like I hadn’t said anything. How rude is that? Here I am suffering extreme humiliation and pain, and I found it in my heart to reach out to my brother. What does he do? He rebuffs me. (Just read this word today. Isn’t it great?)

Click here to ban Pinocchio signs and references from all public buildings.

Click here to throw virtual darts at S.W.’s face.

Click here to contribute your own Revenge of the Puppet Ideas.

Click here for a reenactment of the Insult and the Punch (must have a video player plug-in).

Click here if you are tired of clicking and just want a Snickers.

Chapter 5

What’s Your Sign?

I survived my three days of detention and slogged through the next several averaging about six to ten puppet-related jokes a day. Then, the day of PON (Parent Orientation Night), exactly one week and one day after the PI, I was saved by a kiss.

“A janitor caught two eighth graders making out in one of the second-floor closets!” The news spread like a computer virus, and everyone forgot about Erin the Puppet. It was like magic. Like one of those fairy tales where the prince wakes up the princess with a kiss. Except in this case the princess was wide awake and mashing right back.

“I would never pick a janitor’s closet,” said Jilly on the bus ride home. “All those cleaner smells? How not romantic.”

I couldn’t imagine kissing a boy I liked, let alone the actual place I might do such a thing, so I just stayed quiet, enjoying the fact that everyone was talking and none of it was about me. I smiled as I glanced out the window. If I could find those eighth graders, I’d kiss them.

“So, play tryouts are September 25,” Jilly said. “I signed us both up.” “Already?”

“They’ll see our names up there every day for the next few weeks,” she said. “They’ll remember us.”

I didn’t want to be remembered. But I always tried out with Jilly. “I picked up a couple of scripts for us.” Jilly pulled out two thin booklets. “I’m trying out for Goody Morgan,” she said. “You should try out for Constance. She’s my neighbor.”

Constance had five lines in the play. I’d never had more than one. I didn’t want to be Constance. I didn’t want to be anyone. I just wanted to work on the computer and play basketball. I looked over at Jilly. Maybe I’d tell her the truth.

“Oh, Erin, I’m so excited!” Jilly said. “To think we’ll get to be in another play together. That’s the best part, don’t you think? Doing it together?”