Clothing Optional (6 page)

—Super joke. Well, I've been using that joke in my act, and it gets screams in the mountains, they just love it.

—Uh-huh.

—But I noticed that here in Vegas the joke just does okay. They like it here, but it doesn't play the way it does in front of Jews who know that flanken is boiled meat and that's what makes it a great joke.

—Right.

—So I find that the ones who know what
flanken
means scream when they hear the joke and the ones who don't know what the hell flanken is don't scream as hard.

—Right.

—I mean, they laugh, but not as hard as they would if they understood what it meant. You know what I mean?

—Sure.

—It's just too hip for this crowd. So what I did was change the joke around a little so that everyone out here would get it.

—Uh-huh.

—So what I did was, I switched it around to “the price of meat is getting so bad that yesterday I stole a pot roast that had a street value of six thousand dollars.”

—Uh-huh.

—Isn't that funny?

—Oh, yeah…. It's great.

—Look, you and I know that it's still the flanken-joke formula, but this way it plays better for these goyim out here.

—Right.

—So what happened was, I wanted to try it out before I did it onstage. Just to test it, you know?

—Uh-huh.

—As a matter of fact, I called you earlier to tell you the joke.

—I was working tonight.

—Right. So I'm out here opening for Tony Martin and Cyd Charisse, and we were having dinner, and I told Tony the joke. Well, when I tell you that he started laughing, but I mean tears were coming out…

—Really?

—And Cyd, you know Cyd never laughs…

—Uh-huh.

—You know Tony and Cyd, don't you?

—No.

—Well, everyone knows that Cyd doesn't laugh…

—Oh.

—…but when I told her this joke I got worried, because I thought she was going to have a stroke from laughing so hard.

—That's great.

—It's a super joke, isn't it?

—Oh, yeah.

—I called Vic, and he loved it, too.

—That's great.

—Freddy didn't laugh, but I didn't let it bother me. I figured that was his problem. You know how he gets.

—Right.

—You know what I mean?

—Sure.

—So I won't let that bother me. I bumped into Jackie Eagle in a coffee shop, and he also thought it was a super joke.

—Uh-huh.

—And he also said that Freddy was jealous and that I shouldn't let it bother me.

—Right.

—So what's doing with you?

—Everything's fine. This job on
Saturday Night Live
is going real good. I'm learning how to write sketches, and today we filmed a—

—Super. Did you hear about Pat Crane?

—Who?

—Catskills comic. Does this thing about having an Irish grandmother.

—Uh-huh.

—You know who I'm talking about?

—Yeah. I met him at…

—He died. Was killed in a car crash on his way home from a job.

—Oh my God.

—Yeah, it happened a few weeks ago. It was terrible. He was only forty-six. Had a wife, three kids….

—I'm really sorry to hear that.

—I know. It's a real tragedy.

—God.

—I'm doing his bit about farting in an elevator.

—What?

—I asked his wife, Barbara, and she said it would be all right.

—Wow.

—Which reminds me, I must give her a call when I get back to New York. I haven't spoken to her since the funeral, because I left for Vegas the next day.

—Wait a second. You mean to tell me that at Pat Crane's funeral you asked his wife if you could do his bit about farting in an elevator?

—No, of course not.

—But…

—I asked her on the way back from the cemetery.

—Oh.

—Look, my daughter Leslie's going to be sixteen, so we're giving her a big sweet-sixteen party.

—Uh-huh.

—Do you think that there's a routine in that?

—There could be….

—You know, with the invitations, and now she's old enough to date, or the records that kids listen to…. There must be some routine in there somewhere.

—Sure.

—You know, if you can think of it, that's where I can use some punching up in my act. Like I do that routine about the names of the different musical groups.

—Right.

—Like I do that thing where I say that the musical groups today have the strangest names, like “Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young—what kind of name is that? When I first heard it, I thought it was the name of a law firm.”

—Right.

—It's a super joke, but it only works to the hipper crowds. The young people like it.

—Uh-huh.

—Or I say: “The Jefferson Airplane—what kind of name is that? Did you ever hear their music? I'll tell you one thing, that's one airplane I wouldn't mind seeing hijacked.”

—Right.

—It's a super joke. You have to think about it for a second, but it works.

—Uh-huh.

—So that's what I could use more of—names of musical groups. It's good material for television, you know what I mean?

—Sure.

—It's clean, and appeals to the young people—which is the audience that TV's trying to reach.

—Right.

—Look, I know you're busy with your show and everything, but could you do me a favor and just jot down some funny names of musical groups for me?

—Okay.

—It's a funny idea, isn't it?

—Oh, yeah.

—Look, I'll let you go back to sleep….

—Okay.

—Sorry I woke you.

—That's all right.

—…but off the top of your head, could you think of a funny name of a musical group?

—Uh…the Grateful Dead?

—No…. It's not bad, but the routine works a lot better when I use the names of actual groups.

—But…

—Look, I know you're tired. So give it some thought, and I'll call you when I get back to New York.—Okay.—Good night.

FEBRUARY 1980

—I just can't believe that I'm fifty years old.

—I know. But you don't look it.

—Really?

—No. No way.

—Thanks…. Hey, it was nice of all the boys to come, wasn't it?—Sure was.

—That's why we made the party today, so most of the boys wouldn't be working.

—Right.

—There's very few jobs on Sunday afternoons, unless it's a special affair or something. The only one who couldn't make it is Davey Kent. He's entertaining on a cruise, so he won't be back till Tuesday.

—What are those cruises like?

—They fly you down to Miami, you get on the boat, you visit the islands, and you just have to do two shows.

—On the boat?

—Yeah. And all of your accommodations are taken care of. It's not too bad. The money's okay—especially if you can pick up a night or two playing one of those condominiums before you fly back from Miami.

—You don't do those cruises though, do you?

—Me? No. It's not a career move. You know what I mean?

—Sure.

—I used to do them, when the kids were younger. We'd take them with us, and that'd be our vacation…. Hey, can I get you another drink?

—No, thanks. I'm okay.

—Len Bernie's funny, isn't he?

—He was the one who was making the jokes about everyone's gifts, right?

—Ain't he a riot? He does that at every party. It's like a ritual. Do you realize that people buy presents and actually try to predict what Len is going to say about them?

—God…

—That's right. If he were only that funny onstage. For years we've been trying to convince him that he should do some material about gifts and gift giving, but it's like talking to a wall. That's his son over there. Vale. Good-looking kid, isn't he?—Vale?

—Yeah. He goes with my daughter Leslie. For about two years now.

—Vale Bernie?

—Well, actually his last name is Katzenbaum. Len calls himself Len Bernie as a stage name.

—Vale Katzenbaum? What kind of a name is that?

—Oh, it's a long story. But in a nutshell what happened was that Len, who was struggling for years as an unknown—this was in the early sixties—was asked to be the opening act for Jerry Vale when Jerry went into the Copa. Jerry Vale was a real big star back then—now he's probably just a name—but at that time he was playing Vegas and headlining in the biggest nightclubs, so this was like a real big break for Len because it could give him all sorts of exposure he never had before.

—Uh-huh.

—So Len opens for Jerry, and he's a big hit. He just killed 'em. I remember there was this big party afterward, Sinatra was there, Dean Martin, Sammy—all of Jerry's friends as well as Len and his wife, Sylvia, who was pregnant at the time. Well, you know how those parties get—I think it was at Toots Shor's—and everyone's having a great time, and Jerry comes up to Len and hugs him and says that he was great and that he wants Len to open for him when he goes into Vegas and when he tours that summer. Well, Len was beside himself. He picked up the tab for the party, and a few days later, when Sylvia gave birth, they named the baby Vale.

—Why didn't they just name him Jerry?

—Well, Len wanted Jerry to know that the baby was really named after him and not Jerry Van Dyke, who was also a good friend of Len's.

—How did the tour go?

—He didn't get it. We all told Len that you can't count on anything in this business until the contracts are signed, but you know how Len has a tendency to get carried away. So how are you doing?

—Fine. The show's still going strong, but I'm starting to get a little bored with sketch writing. I think I'd like to try…

—Sure. Hey, you know what I need is…I'm sorry, I thought you were finished.

—Well, I was just saying that I'd like to try my hand at writing something more challenging than a sketch. My dream is to write a movie and have it directed by someone like Coppola.

—Who?

—Francis Ford Coppola…. He did
The Godfather.

—Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a clever kid…. You know, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

—What's that?

—Well, you know the piece in my act where I talk about replacing all the items in my lost wallet.

—Yeah.

—It's funny. Isn't it?

—Oh, yeah…. Very funny.

—Do you think that it could be a TV series?

—What?

—I'll tell you, it's been so successful for me that some people are starting to know me because of that bit. You know, in the mountains I'm actually starting to be known as the comic who lost his wallet. It sounds crazy, but this could be my hook.

—Uh-huh.

—It's a funny image, isn't it?

—Oh, yeah…. Very funny.

—Well, do you think that you could develop it into a series for me?

—I don't know. A series about losing a wallet?

—The series could be about anything, but I'd play the guy next door who can't drive anywhere because his license was in the wallet…

—Well…

—…and I can't even buy a new wallet because my credit cards were in the lost one, and I can't get any money because my check-cashing card was also in the lost wallet.

—Uh-huh.

—There's a million things we can see me do or not do because I lost my wallet. Why don't you give it some thought?

—Sure.

—I'll tell you, it could be fun. And let's face it—I've seen a lot of worse ideas made into television series.

—You got a point there.

—Are you sure you don't want me to freshen your drink?

—On second thought, why don't you?

—That's the boy.

JUNE 1983

—Hello.

—Hi, Stu, how you doing?

—Isn't that something? I was just talking about you.

—Really?

—Yeah, I was going to call and ask you how the wedding went.

—Oh, it was great. Thanks.

—Your parents, Robin, everyone have a good time?

—Oh, yeah.

—Good, good…. And the band? They were good?

—Oh, they were fine.

—I'm glad. I'm sorry we weren't able to make it, but like I said, I had to be away on a job and I just couldn't swing it.

—No, no, I understand. How
did
the cruise go, anyway?

—Just great. You know those things. A week on the boat, I did a couple of shows—it was real easy. Everything got screams. Hey, listen, is this funny? “Milton Berle was the only infant I know whose foreskin was used to cover the infield at Yankee Stadium.” Is that a funny joke?