Clueless (Keeping Secrets) (12 page)

“Tommy,” Jason whispered. His voice was the only thing that anchored me as the storm of hate raged inside me. I hated his family, hated his parents, hated his life. I wanted to wrap him in cotton and give him every good thing I’d ever had. I wanted to bleed for him and make other people do the same. I wanted them to suffer as he had suffered, as he was still suffering. “Tommy, come here.”

I turned and took two wooden steps toward the bed. He scooted over a bit and patted the space beside him. I climbed in, careful not to touch his body because I didn’t know what was hurt and what wasn’t. He stroked my head with his free hand, the lion between us. The door opened, and two nurses and our parents filed into the doorway, concern written all over their faces.

“It’s okay,” Kevin said, stepping between us and them. “Just give us a minute. Please?” I couldn’t speak past the anger inside, and I was grateful someone else was handling the situation. It took some convincing to get the nurses to leave—they’d apparently grown exceedingly fond of my boyfriend in the short time he’d been here—but eventually everyone was back out in the hallway, and we had ten precious minutes to spend together until visiting hours were over with.

Kevin came back over to the bed and knelt on the floor beside it. He rested his head near Jason’s other hand, and he started shaking too. It took me a minute to realize he was crying.

“You didn’t need to do that, Tommy. I knew better than to be so causal about it. Aunt Wanda doesn’t like me because I’m gay, and if my mom told her that I was fucking her husband, I knew she’d blame me. I wasn’t thinking. Please, don’t be upset.” He sounded so matter-of-fact, like it was a given that people would blame him and would hate him for this. Tears pooled in my eyes. I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t understand how people could be like that. “Don’t you pity me, Tommy Johnson. Don’t you dare. I’m here. I made it. They don’t mean anything.” I cried for him. I know that sounds stupid, but I think I got why Kevin was doing it and I joined him. It wasn’t pity, not like Jason thought. It wasn’t because I thought he was weak but because I didn’t understand why there would be a world where someone would have to be so strong.

“I just love you, okay? I don’t pity you.” I felt beat-up as the tears ended and the anger left me. It was a hollow feeling.

He seemed to relax after that. “Okay.”

Kevin sniffled, cursed, and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “I fucking hate you, Jason. God, I swear if you tell anyone I cried, I will kick your ass.”

Jason just smiled. “I am so making an announcement on Facebook.” The universe righted itself and returned us to the space of normal we’d been in before as he spoke. Life was a ricocheting rubber band like that.

Chapter Eight

T
HEY
kept Jason in the hospital for five days, and I visited him every one of those days. I even snuck him in a burger from Burger King on his last day there. Kevin and his parents were a constant presence there too, and we didn’t get to spend much time together one-on-one. When he was finally ready for release, it was the day before Thanksgiving. Between my uncles and Kevin’s parents, they arranged for a joint Thanksgiving celebration at Kevin’s house. Jason would be confined to the couch, even though the doctor had said that he could resume normal activities when he felt up to it. His ribs still gave him trouble, and his arm apparently itched like an SOB under the cast, but he was getting restless. His official full recovery time was six to eight weeks, and Tina and Joshua were going to make sure he actually rested. I was secretly supportive of this idea, though I bemoaned his fate along with him whenever he brought it up.

I was sitting on the couch, half paying attention to the TV as
Dracula 2000
played in the background. Dean was sitting on the floor with his laptop on the coffee table, Danny was reading something scandalous on his Kindle—I kept looking over and catching words like “burgeoning” and “oh God!”—and Christian was confined to his playpen with a mountain of toys that he randomly banged against the side of the pen. Uncle Mark still wasn’t home from work, and Uncle Charlie was in the laundry room folding clothes. I tapped my foot impatiently. Jason was supposed to text me when he got settled at Kevin’s house.

“Hey, Uncle Charlie!” I hollered, bringing up my empty inbox on my phone yet again.

“What?” His muffled reply managed to be audible over the television and Christian.

“Jason was supposed to be out by one. Should I be worried?”

“It’s only three, Thomas. Let him settle in.”

I sighed. That was not the answer I wanted to hear. I was going to bang my head against a wall if Jason didn’t send me something. I was trying really hard not to be clingy, but the urge was definitely there. Kevin’s dad had bought Jason a new iPhone and put him on their service plan after I’d broken his, so I knew he had one. I just didn’t have the number yet. Maybe I was worried because the last time he said he’d text me, he didn’t for days on end.

My phone buzzed.
Hey, Tommy boy. What’s up
?

You home
? I typed.

Yeah. I think I am finally.

  Kev and Joshua did my room while I was at the hospital. It’s KILLER
.

Can’t wait to see it
.

Come
NOW
.

Dean laughed. I looked up and saw him giving me a weird look. I frowned. “What?”

“I wish I had somebody like that,” my cousin said, the amusement written all over his face. “People don’t date me seriously. Not really. You hear from him and you get all melty. It’s cute.”

I flipped him off. “I do
not
get all melty.” I probably did, but I wasn’t about to admit it.

I don’t know if I can. I can ask
.

Please do. I’m DYING for some Tommy time
. I could almost hear Jason saying the words. We’d fallen back into our relationship easily enough. I was so happy things were going to be normal for a while. I felt like we really had a shot this time.

“Uncle Charlie?”

“What, Tommy?”

“Can I go over to Kevin’s? Jason is home, and he wants me to come.”

There was a pause, and I heard footsteps coming from the utility room. Uncle Charlie stood in the doorway of the living room. “Is it all right with Tina and Joshua?”

“I’m sure it’s cool. He wouldn’t have asked otherwise.” I wasn’t 100 percent about that, but I figured it would all work out. Tina and Joshua seemed to like me well enough, and everyone was babying Jason. They’d definitely let me stay.

Uncle Charlie nodded. “Fine. Be back by ten. I mean it. Not a second later or else you’re going to be grounded all weekend. Will you behave?”

I put my hand over my heart. “I solemnly swear not to drink, smoke, or screw anything while I am out and about. And I’ll even be back by ten.”

“Go get ’em, lover boy,” Dean drawled.

I pushed off the couch and started looking for my stuff. Uncle Charlie tossed me the car keys from where they hung in the kitchen, and I put my shoes on eagerly.

I’m coming over
, I texted as I hit the side door and made my way around to the car.

Good. I have something for you
. 
;
)

I couldn’t wait.

I
DON
’
T
know what I was expecting when I went into Jason’s room, but this wasn’t it. This was my second time being in the guest room, and it looked completely different. It had recently been painted deep beige with accents of navy blue and hunter green, very masculine and very stylish. It suited him.

A collage of photos hung on one wall, family pictures of Kevin and Jason at various ages, obviously taken when Jason had come over to play as a kid. It reminded me of the history they shared with one another. However, there was a new photo to add to that history. It was a candid picture of our lunch table, one I hadn’t even realized had been taken. I was there, one arm thrown around Jason’s shoulder, my hat cocked to one side because I was joking around. Jason was leaning into me, all smirking grin and amusement. We looked really in love. I had become part of the collage of his life, a permanent fixture in the otherwise unstable landscape of his existence.

Those things weren’t what I was captured by, though. It was the man in front of me. Jason was in a pair of
Family Guy
boxers and a black tank top that showed off his arms… and his bruises. It made my heart hurt, but even that was a distant concern. He held a small bouquet of three perfect red roses and some baby’s breath in one hand. In his other arm, the one with the lime green cast, he held a zebra plushy.

“Hi,” he said, shifting nervously.

“Hi yourself.” The words were familiar now, just something that we repeated every time we saw one another. “Jason?” I asked, looking down at what he held.

“They’re for you. My apology.” He licked his bottom lip like his mouth was dry. I stepped forward until I was barely a foot from him. He looked up at me, green eyes so deep that they seemed to have no end. “Sit down on my bed?”

It made me nervous to see Jason so serious, but I did as he asked. He looked uncomfortable when he sat down, like he was still in pain. I took the flowers and the stuffed animal and sat both in my lap. The fact that the animal was a zebra finally hit me, and I couldn’t resist chuckling a little bit. So I was Jason’s prey? “Smart-ass,” I said, grinning and giving the plushy a squeeze.

He smiled, obviously pleased with himself. “I wanted to say I was sorry, about before.”

I shook my head. “You don’t have to apologiz—”

“Yes I do. Please, listen to me. Please. Don’t say anything, just listen.”

I fell silent, bewildered by the desperate edge in Jason’s voice. We’d been doing so well. I didn’t quite understand why he would clutter up our first moment alone with something serious.

He inhaled, winced, and put a hand on the left side of his ribs. “Tommy, the way I’ve been lately, it’s been terrible, and I’ve treated you and your family like crap. I’ve thought about it every night since I left your house, and I’ve thought about it a lot more in the past week. You and your family have been so good to me, and I repaid that with—” He searched for a word and finally seemed to find it. “—me. Lots of Jason-drama. I don’t know why you’re even still talking to me, to be honest. I can’t guarantee that I’ll always be good, but I want you to know that I will always try to be better for you. I love you, Tommy. When we were ‘together’, you were right. I was using you, and that was awful. I wanted our first time to be—” He sighed. “I wanted it to be fucking magic, and I ruined that.”

Familiar resentment and hurt welled up over that reminder. “It was my first time, you know.” I looked away, unable to look at him. The anger surprised me. I hadn’t realized I had been so deeply pissed about it.

He swallowed and nodded. “I didn’t know for sure, but I suspected.” He looked sick. “I never meant to belittle what we have, Tommy. I know it came off that way, and I know that I fucked up. But, I want you to forgive me. I want another chance to make it right.”

“How?” I asked. How could he possibly undo the debacle of our first time having sex?

He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my lips. “By replacing the memory with something better.” I had to hand it to him, he could really be suave when he was trying, and for a moment, I let myself get caught up in the insanity of our kiss. He was hurt, had just had surgery, and was weeks away from being able to dish out what he was offering but, man, it was a fantasy I could give in to without a thought in the world. Jason was magic, and he always had been.

I pulled back as my chest collided with his, and he hissed his pain out between his teeth. “Baby, you make me crazy.” He tried to kiss me again, but I put a finger to his lips instead.

“Let me make you feel good,” Jason murmured, reaching for my pants button.

I shook my head. “Not like that, Jason. You’re not strong enough. The next time we have sex, it’s going to be nothing but bliss.”

He looked afraid, like I was taking something from him. But he didn’t understand. I wasn’t punishing him. I was loving him just a little harder. Second chances meant everything, and I knew then that we would really have a second chance.

“I may not be able to screw, but I can do other things. Make you feel good.” He reached for me again, and I let him work the button free. I put a hand on his wrist.

“I want us both to feel good, Jason. I want to come apart with you.” I laid him down on his bed and snuggled in behind him so that his butt was pressed to my front. I wrapped my arms around him so I could reach into his cotton boxers, and he gasped beautifully as I whispered in his ear, telling him how much I loved him and how good it felt to be with him again. Most of all, I told him I missed him and how special he was to me. It took him a while to get as ready as I was, but it wasn’t too long before we were moving together in the perfect way we’d come together countless times in the comfort of my bedroom. It wasn’t quite what I thought making love was, but damn if it wasn’t close.

“I love you,” he murmured as we peaked. I loved him too. Forever and for always.

Afterward, I cleaned us up with a bandanna from his floor, and we snuggled down under his comforter. He was exhausted, and it showed in how easily his eyes kept sliding shut despite the fact that he was usually the one with all the energy after. Jason had been through a rough couple of weeks, but the sun was rising over the darkest part of our lives.

He smiled softly as I kissed his neck. “Guess we christened my new pad, huh?”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. “I suppose you’re right. Hey, Jason?”

“Hmm?”

“You think we’ll make it?”

He snorted. “Of course we’ll make it. I told you, Tommy boy, you’re stuck with me. I’m like the plague or something.”

“Can you be something not plague-like? I mean, can’t you be like a recurring wet dream or something?”