Coach Hyatt Is a Riot! (3 page)

Coach Hyatt showed up at our next practice with Wyatt the Nose Picker. A big, brown, rubber thing was strapped to the roof of the Mini Cooper.

“What's that big, brown, rubber thing?” we all asked.

“Last time I told you ragamuffins about
the end zone dance,” the coach said. “Today I want to talk about another very important part of football—the blimp.”

“You got a
blimp
?” asked Ryan.

We all got excited, because blimps are cool.

“Not exactly,” Coach Hyatt said as she took the big, brown, rubber thing off the roof of her car and put it on the grass. “I couldn't get a blimp. But I got something even
better
!”

“What is it?” Michael asked.

“Oh, you'll see,” said Coach Hyatt.

She attached a bike pump to the big, brown, rubber thing and started pumping air into it. It got bigger and bigger. And
you'll never believe in a million hundred years what it turned out to be.

It was a giant, inflatable moose!

“This is Rufus,” said Coach Hyatt. “He's our mascot. I call him Rufus T. Moose. The
T
stands for ‘the.' Rufus the Moose will float over the field and inspire us to victory.”

“Where'd you get him?” I asked, “Rent-A-Moose?”

“No, Rent-A-Blimp,” Coach Hyatt said. “Some other team got the last blimp, so I was able to get a discount on Rufus. Isn't he awesome?”

No, he wasn't. Rufus the Moose was kind of wrinkled, and one of his antlers
looked like it was about to fall off.

Rufus the Doofus was more like it.

I didn't tell Coach Hyatt that her moose was lame because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

The coach tied Rufus the Doofus to a tree so he wouldn't blow away. Then she wheeled a big whiteboard out of the equipment shed. It was like the whiteboards we use at school.

“It's time to go over some plays,” Coach Hyatt told us.

She drew a bunch of Xs and Os on the board to represent the players on our team and another team. Then she drew lines to show where each of us was supposed to
run. We went over a bunch of running plays and passing plays. I knew most of them already from last season.

“And now,” the coach said as she looked around to make sure nobody was watching, “I'm going to show you our
Secret
Play.”

Oooooh! We all leaned forward. Secret plays are cool because, well, anything involving secrets is cool.

Coach Hyatt began drawing lines all over the board.

“A.J., you're the quarterback, so you go here,” she barked. “Ryan, you go here. Michael, you go here. Neil, you go here. Wyatt, you go here. Wyatt will hike the ball to A.J. A.J. will flip it to Ryan. Ryan will pass it to Michael. Michael will lateral it to Neil. Neil will hand it off to Wyatt. Wyatt will run it into the end zone for a touchdown. Got it?”

“Got it!” we all shouted, even though none of us got it. Coach Hyatt's Secret
Play made no sense at all, but none of us wanted to look dumb.

“Okay, let's try it,” said Coach Hyatt.

We all got into position.

“Hut-one!”
^*
I shouted. “Hut-two! HIKE!”

And we all ran into each other.

It was a big mess of kids in a gigantic pile. There were arms and legs flailing around. It looked like one of those tanks full of lobsters you see in the supermarket. Unfortunately, I was the lobster on the bottom.

“Owwww, my leg!” I yelled.

“Walk it off, A.J.!” Coach Hyatt barked when the last kid climbed off me.

“I think my leg might be broken,” I said.

“Broken?” barked the coach. “When I was your age, if my leg was broken, I would go out and build a log cabin with my bare hands.”

What did that have to do with anything?

I thought I was gonna die.

Luckily, my leg wasn't broken after all. It was just a little sore. We practiced really hard that week until we knew all the plays. Finally, it was time for our first game. We were playing a team called the Sharks.

It was a beautiful Saturday. When we
came out of the locker room, there was Rufus the Doofus floating over the field. And you'll never believe in a million hundred years what was floating in the air right next to Rufus.

A blimp!

And you know what it said on the side of the blimp?
GO SHARKS
!

How come the Sharks got a blimp and we got a lame, inflatable moose? It totally wasn't fair!

Andrea and the other cheerleaders were on the sideline with their pom-poms.

What a lame cheer.

The bleachers were filled with parents and their cameras. A few moms were selling cookies. Some of the teachers from our school were there, too—Miss Holly, Mr. Macky, Ms. Coco, Ms. Hannah, Mr. Loring. I spotted my teacher, Mr. Granite. He comes from another planet called Etinarg. Me and the guys ran over to say hello to him.

“Do they have football on Etinarg?” asked Michael.

“Oh no,” Mr. Granite said. “We play a
game called llabtoof.”

“How do you play
that
?” Neil asked.

“It's very simple,” Mr. Granite told us. “There are thirteen glorps on each darge,
and they toss a pinker back and forth to see who can score the most floobs. The winner gets to urgle a flange.”

That game sounded weird. I wanted to ask Mr. Granite more about llabtoof, but that's when the Sharks came out of their locker room. They had blue uniforms. We all stared as they jogged on to the field.

“Wow!” Ryan said. “Those guys are
huge
!”

He was right. The Sharks didn't look like they were humans. Their arms were bigger than my legs. Even their muscles had muscles.

“No way those guys weigh seventy pounds,” said Michael.

“They look like they're in seventh grade,” said Neil the nude kid.

“We can't beat
them
,” said Ryan. “They're gonna kill us!”

“Can't we just pick up their car and carry it away?” I suggested.

“They came in a
bus
, dumbhead,” said Ryan.

“They're awfully big, Coach,” Michael said.

“The bigger they come, the harder they fall,” Coach Hyatt told us.

“Yeah, but they're gonna fall on
us
,” I said, “and we're gonna
die
!”

Wyatt just picked his nose. I'll tell you, that kid must have an unlimited supply
of boogers.

Andrea and the other cheerleaders made one of their lame cheers:

When the Sharks came out, their cheerleaders on the other side of the field started doing a cheer of their own. It didn't rhyme or anything, but it sounded a lot better than our cheers:

“My life is over,” I told the guys.

It was time for the coin toss to decide which team would kick off. Me and Ryan are captains of the Moose, so we ran out to the middle of the field. So did two of the Sharks. The ref told us to shake hands.

One of the Sharks grabbed my hand. He didn't just shake it like a normal person.
He started squeezing. So I squeezed back. And he squeezed harder. And it really hurt! I thought I was gonna die. But just before my fingers were crushed, the Shark let go.

“Grrrrrr!” he said. “I eat shrimps like you for breakfast.”

“So is your face,” I replied, because I couldn't think of anything else to say.

The ref tossed the coin up and I called heads.

“Tails!” yelled the ref.

Bummer in the summer! We had to kick off.

Our team got into position. Ryan put the ball on the tee. All the grown-ups in the bleachers started cheering. The ref blew his whistle, and Ryan kicked off.

It was a pretty good kick, too. We all ran down the field to tackle the Shark who picked up the ball. The only problem was, there were giant Sharks running all over the place!

One of them knocked Michael on his butt.

One of them knocked Ryan on his butt.

One of them knocked
me
on my butt.

They were knocking all of us on our butts!
^*

“Run for your life!” Neil shouted.

When I looked up from the ground, the Sharks were in the end zone dancing and high-fiving each other.

Sharks 6, Moose 0.

The Sharks made the extra point and kicked off to us. Michael picked up the ball. But before he could take a step, he was knocked on his butt by some giant Shark. Michael fumbled the ball, and the next thing we knew, the Sharks were dancing and high-fiving each other again
in the end zone.

Sharks 13, Moose 0.

You don't need to hear all the gory details of what happened in the first half. But whenever the Sharks had the ball, they ran right over us like we were made out of tissue paper and knocked us on our butts. Whenever we had the ball, they knocked us on our butts and took the ball away. It wasn't a pretty sight.

What a lame cheer. Andrea and her friends were no help at all. The cheerleaders weren't looking very cheery.

Wyatt was useless. All he ever did was stand around and pick his nose.

And having Rufus the Doofus floating over the field wasn't doing us any good either.

Finally, the clock ran out. It was halftime. We had played two quarters, but it felt like a million. Our team was staggering all over the field. I was still on my
hands and knees in the dirt after the last Shark touchdown.

“Hey, loser!” one of the Sharks said to me on his way to the locker room. “Where'd you get that lame moose?”

“Rent-A-Blimp,” I told him.

The score at halftime: Sharks 77, Moose 0.