Cobalt (10 page)

     ‘Okay, you want total honesty, you got it’ he responded to her challenge. ‘I was being a jealous bastard when I did what I did. I thought you were going to leave me for Marcus, for his power, for a promotion.  I realise that I did the wrong thing starting those rumours. I started them to stop you from leaving me. But I lost you, anyway. I lost you emotionally. And had I arrived a few seconds later, I would have lost you physically too. Sometimes, when I’m being truly selfish I think it would have been better if Barnem had of killed you. Then you would have been totally gone. Then I’d have an explanation, a real explanation as to why I couldn’t have you. ’

      ‘I’m not yours to have. You don’t get to say. You cant…’  

    He cut her off. ‘I have to have all of you, Madeline. I can’t just settle for part of you, which is what I’ve had for the past nine years. Madeline I need you emotionally, too.

    ‘You cant have me and Angela and…’

     He interrupted again, ‘Angela? Nothing happened. Yes, she was an old lover, but that's as far as it goes. I hadn’t seen her in fourteen years and I will never see her again. I wanted to make you jealous. I saw something different in you at the airport, and I wanted to use it to my advantage. It was wrong, but I wanted to know how you really felt about me. You send mixed messages Madeline, and I want to know if you really care, about me. And I did it all because I loved you. I loved you then and I love you now!’ He reached out to stroke her face, to physically reassure her, touch her, but she stepped back, pulling away. His anger flared. ‘There! Is that what you wanted to hear?’ he demanded. Madeline remained silent. She was caught completely off guard. Her breath caught in her throat. ‘Go on say it, Madeline. Say it!’ he demanded angrily.

     She replied hesitantly, desperately trying to avoid eye contact. ‘No, it's not’

     ‘I didn't think so! Which part? That I was a bastard, or that I love you?’ He was pushing her for an answer, an explosion, or at least some type of response. For the past nine years she had held her feelings inside, but he wasn't going to let her tonight. She opened her mouth to say something, but the words didn't come. Rick looked down at Madeline, she averted her gaze, refusing to meet his, he knew that for the first time, in their fourteen year partnership, he was in total control. He threw in his trump card. ‘Well I'm pretty sure that you enjoyed hearing me call myself a bastard, so then it must have been that I love you, right? That's what you didn't want to hear.’ he stated triumphantly. ‘But you need to know. And from your actions I know you have feelings for me!’

     ‘Of course I do. Respect. Admiration.’

     ‘They go beyond that, Madeline. I know they do. Tell me the truth.’ he stated.

     ‘Why can't you just leave me alone?’ Madeline almost succeeded at pushing past him, so he grabbed her roughly by the wrists and shoved her back into the white tiled wall beside the bathroom door.

     ‘Why can't you just accept the possibility that  I truly love you, that you love me? Why? Because it wasn’t perfect the first time? Because you're scared of another loss? That's not good enough Madeline.’ he stated bluntly.

     She regained some of her usual composure as she demanded in a low and threatening tone, ‘Let go of me!’

      ‘No,’ he snapped, pushing her backwards, harder into the wall, his body pressed intimately against hers, ‘I'm not letting go of you, until you stop lying to yourself.’

     ‘I'm not lying to anyone.’ she hissed.

     ‘Yes you are.’ he responded, ‘You’ve got yourself so convinced that if you let anyone get close to you, they’ll hurt you and then abandon you. I’m not like that. Your parents didn’t have a choice, and Alex, he was young, but he came back to you. I’m not going anywhere, Madeline.’ He looked  at her. She looked so terrified. Her eyes pleaded with him to stop, but he didn’t. He couldn’t.  He’d come so far. He continued, ‘So, if you're not going to talk, fine. Just Listen. I'll do the talking.’ He moved his head, so that it was positioned directly in front of her face. Madeline lowered her eyes, desperately trying to avoid his. ‘I've loved you since the moment I first saw you fourteen years ago, Madeline. Fourteen years ago when I was assigned to oversee the development of one of the youngest accepted CIA agents. The most talent agent anyone had ever seen. I knew then that we were meant to be together- professionally and emotionally. And we were for a while, but I ruined it with one stupid action. I ruined it. I know it was my fault, but I have done everything humanly possible to make it up to you. To show you that I am not like that any more. That, despite that one defining moment, I am not that man, the man who would sacrifice everything for glory, for success. It was a lapse in judgement  so many years ago. I haven’t had another. I’ve been by your side, protecting, supporting and working for you. When will it be enough? When will you realise that one mistake doesn’t define who I am? When will you stop regarding me with contempt? When will you stop using me?’

     ‘Using you? Rick I…ah…I don’t….’ Madeline stammered, shocked by the statement.

    ‘Don’t you? You know exactly how to manipulate me to get what you want. If you want a casual fling to relieve tension, you turn on the charm and I fall for it every time.’

    ‘Rick…’ Madeline was shocked at the hurt that was betrayed in his voice. 

     ‘But you know what, I wanted to fall for it. I wanted to believe that I could be with you. Every time. I wanted it the way it was, and I was willing to go along with you in your charades. Secretly hoping my tenacity, my resilience would break through to you.’ Rick held her tighter, sensing his words where finally sinking in. ‘I just wanted to be with you Madeline. I still just want to be with you. I know you care deeply for me. I’ve known for some time. I know it’s why you keep engaging with me. Sleeping with me. You’re the only one in this room who doesn’t see the truth.’

     Any composure she had left, dissolved with his last sentence. She shook her head feebly and whispered to him, ‘No, no, stop it! Rick please…’

     But the control had gone to his head. He took both of her hands in one of his, and held them to her chest. He then took hold of her chin, with the other, and turned her face to him. ‘Look at me, Madeline.’ He waited while her eyes found his. He looked beyond the pools of unshed tears, wanting to deepen, to strengthen the connection he had at that moment. ‘Everything about you is so precisely beautiful. Your eyes, your hair, your face....I love everything about you.’ Madeline closed her eyes in an attempt to escape the invasion of her thoughts, her feelings, her emotions, but still he continued. ‘Your mind intrigues me. I know it’s cliché, but I have to tell you, I’m continually amazed by you. You have to know everything. And you have to acknowledge it. Acknowledge me!’ He paused, looking at her downturned face, imploring her to meet his gaze. When she didn’t, ‘Open your eyes, Madeline’ he ordered. There was nothing else she could do, but obey. Slowly she opened her eyes and looked at him, silently pleading with him to stop. ‘Those eyes...’ he continued, ‘There used to be such fire there - such passion. I know after my accusations, after that case it froze over. But even if only for that one night in Moscow, I saw it flicker again, Madeline. I saw it. It was real. And I saw the blind panic when you turned around, when you thought I’d been shot. I saw your concern. I think I even saw love, Madeline. Love you have for me. Just admit that you care for me. Nothing more. You never have to say you love me.’

            Madeline tried once more to free herself, but he held her too tightly. She then tried to hurt him with words. ‘I don’t sleep with you because I care. I do it because you need it, you want it. The last time, especially!’

     ‘And you don’t want it?’

     ‘That’s irrelevant. Desire, like every other emotion, is a weakness, and maybe just for a brief moment I wanted it but…’

            Rick looked into her eyes. He could see she was desperately trying to hide her real feelings with harsh words, but he wasn’t going to accept that. ‘It’s not going to work Madeline. I’ve realised I know you better than you think I do. I know you use quick wit and intellect to dazzle your opponents. That you use words to wound when things, people, when I get too close, too personal. And I love you. I love you in despite of that. I love you because of that. I just love you.’ Madeline's eyes began to shimmer with tears once more, but he continued his assault. ‘What's more, I'm in love with you. I know there's still something real between us. I know it, and I feel it. Just let me in. Talk to me, that's all I ask!’ Rick almost pleaded with her, forgetting for a moment that he was in control.

     Madeline's body slumped against the wall, her legs giving out from underneath her, her desperate need to stay strong eluding her. In no more than a whisper, she voiced her silent desire. ‘Stop it...just shut up. Please.’ She then slid down the wall, whispering something else, something he couldn't understand, until she was kneeling, sitting back on the heels of her black boots.

     As she did so, Rick crouched down, placing his knees either side of her, preventing her escape. He released her wrists, and they fell to her sides. Madeline covered her face with her hands, and silently sobbed into them. Realising he had broken down every defence she had held before herself, Rick softened his approach. Quietly, rather than demandingly he questioned her, running his hands gently down her arms, ‘What were you saying?’ Madeline didn't respond, instead she just shook her head.

    Rick gently pried her hands from her face, and held them. ‘Madeline, please...just talk to me!’ he pleaded, slightly unnerved by her tears. He had never seen her cry. Some terrible things had happened to her, but in the many years that he had known her crying was something she had never done, at least not in front of him. Madeline whispered something else, but it was incomprehensible. Rick knew that this was the last chance he'd have at reaching her, so he pushed her for an answer. He had her, and he wasn't going to let her get out of answering. ‘Madeline. Please.’

     A little louder than before, but anything but confidently Madeline repeated herself. ‘I said, I do love you,...’ she looked directly into his awaiting gaze. ‘But I can't go on like this.’

     ‘Like what?’ Rick questioned, somewhat confused by her response. ‘I don’t understand.’

     Madeline pulled her hands away from him as she continued, so Rick placed his hands on her arms. ‘I can't put my emotions in front of my work. I did that tonight and you saw what happened, we lost the lead! I thought you were going to be dead when I turned around. Even after everything… I hate you for meaning so much to me!’ She began to cry again.

Rick gently wiped the tears from her cheeks, and pulled her forward, into his arms.  At first she was hesitant, but eventually she relaxed into him and his embrace, resting her face on his chest. He held her close for a moment, waiting for her to regain her usual composure. He felt her breathing return to its regular rhythm and decided it was time to end what he started. ‘See, that wasn't too bad, now, was it?’ He queried quietly.

     Madeline looked back at him and smiled uneasily. ‘That was probably the hardest conversation I have ever had. I hate feeling like this. Rick, I hate feeling helpless, dependent. I guess I figured if I kept lying to you, kept telling you that you meant nothing, eventually I’d believe it myself. I’m sorry. I’ve been a monumental fool.’

         ‘People in love do foolish things. It’s a rule, a commandment even’ Rick laughed, still holding her close.

       ‘I can always count on you, can't I? For that ever present dose of realism.’ Madeline stated dryly, her statement accompanied by the first real smile Rick ever remembered seeing.

       ‘Yes, Yes you can.’ Rick returned her smile.

        ‘And you can always count on me.’ Madeline whispered.

        He kissed her forehead and pulled her even closer to him. Now that he had her right where he wanted, he was never going to let her go. ‘Well I guess being able to count on you is akin to love. And they do say hate is borderline love…’

    Madeline looked up into his eyes. ‘Who says that?’

    ‘Some idiot we work with I believe.’

    ‘You leave Sebastian Lychart out of this.’ Madeline stated, imagining Sebastian’s face as he said it.

    ‘What makes you think it was Lychart. Could have been Emily.’

    ‘You’re right.’ Madeline stated.

    ‘Well, now I’m loved and I’m right. Could it get much better than this?’ Rick smiled at Madeline, who scowled slightly.