Cockpit: A Second Chance Romance (13 page)

But in a good way.

She tugged at the neckline self-consciously, before giving me an overbright smile. She looked beautiful of course. But weird. Almost too good. Like she was an actress, playing herself in a movie.

I realized she was wearing eyeliner. And lipstick. Red, shiny lipstick. I stared at her lips hungrily, wondering why she was dressed like that. Was she going on a date? Or was it... for me?

I felt myself wanting to toss her over my shoulder and carry her back to my cave. I wanted to ask her where she was going. No- I wanted to
tell
her where she was going.
My bed.
 

I shut it down.

No Jagger. She's off limits. Don't be the manwhore she thinks you are. Just because your dick is like a missile that wants to explode on her... Just because looking at her and not touching her makes you want to curl up in a ball and cry... well, it doesn't change a damn thing.

Today was about Hallie and that was it.

I forced myself to look away from the gorgeous woman in front of me. I looked behind her instead. There, in a stroller, was an adorable little angel.

My angel.

I knelt down as Jenny rolled her out to the front stoop.

"Hi there."

Hallie gurgled at me, her eyes shining brightly. She... she did look like me. Me and Jenny. I wanted to look up at her. To hold her hand and thank her for giving me such a beautiful child.
 

If nothing else, she gave me this tremendous gift.

But I didn't.

"Thanks for letting me see her."

I made my voice and face cool as I finally glanced up at her. Jenny was watching us, tears in her eyes. She looked broken.

"Of course. Anytime you want to-"

I felt my throat tighten. Jenny was being good about this. She could have told me to go to hell after I broke it off with her. I didn't have a legal leg to stand on and we both knew it. So yeah, she was being more than fair. That didn't surprise me. She was a good woman. She was a
good person.

But that didn't change the facts.

I held onto them, repeating them in my head. She didn't think I was a good enough person to be a dad. She'd thought I would run off, or leave them. She'd thought I was
that guy.

No matter how she looked at me, with love and regret in her eyes, deep down she thought I was a piece of trash. And I'd thought she was the most perfect woman in the world.

There was no balance there. And I'd decided I wasn't going to do that to myself. I'd never be good enough for her.

I wasn't going to let myself feel like that just to be with her. Even if I got to hold her at night. For how long would she deign to let me touch her?

Until someone better came along.
 

I stood up and cleared my throat.

Jenny

✈

"I'm looking forward to getting to know my daughter."

I grabbed my purse and waited. He paused.

"Alone."

I stared at the ground. I couldn't look at him. I felt ridiculous; standing there in the four-inch heels Crystal had forced me to wear.

"Sure. Right. Okay."

Crystal was leaning in the hallway behind me. She'd come out when she realized it wasn't going so well. Watching the Titanic sink, more or less. She volunteered to go with them but I shook my head.

"That's okay. He has a right to take her."

Now Jagger shook his head. He didn't want my trust. He'd made it clear he didn't trust me.

"It's okay. I don't mind a chaperone."

He didn't mind if someone went with them. Just not me.

"No."

I wiped my eyes, hoping he didn't notice. He wasn't even looking at me anyway.

"She gets sleepy around four. And here-"

I handed him her diaper bag. Our fingers brushed and I felt a jolt. I wondered if that would be the last time I ever touched him. Maybe I'd have a handshake to look forward to someday in the future. How pathetic. He flinched away from me like he'd been burned.

"There's um, a bottle in there with a little bag of ice to keep it cool. Diapers and her hat. Just keep her out of the sun..."

"Got it. Anything else?"

"No. Just... call if you need anything."

"See you at four."

"Okay. See you."

I couldn't look at him until he'd turned away. I was afraid to see that look in his eyes again. That look that was like we didn't mean anything to each other. Like we never
had
meant anything to each other.

Like I was a stranger.

Crystal came up behind me and reached forward to slowly shut the door. I covered my mouth with my hand and turned away, running for my bedroom. I couldn't hold back another second. I cried harder than I'd cried in years.

Almost as hard as I had after my mom was gone.

"I can stay. Or come back to do the trade off at four so you don't have to-"

I nodded, crying too hard to answer. Crystal gave me a sympathetic look and shut the door. I curled up on the bed, crying so hard my whole body shook.

I didn't move the entire time he was out with her. Crystal came back twenty minutes before he was due back. She took one look at me and shook her head.

I forced myself to take a quick shower and started making Hallie's dinner of mushed up sweet potatoes. I stayed in the kitchen when the doorbell rang. I stayed there, hiding, though I could hear the low murmur of his voice.

I heard the door shut and a moment later Crystal was giving my baby back to me. I gripped her tightly, inhaling her scent. I thought I could smell a little bit of him too.

This was the only thing that was right.

My beautiful baby girl was all I had.

Even with my friends, and my dad, I was alone.

Chapter Eighteen

Jagger

✈

"Does she always dress like that?"

"Stop it, Suze."

My foster sister sat on my kitchen counter, flicking things at me while I tried to clean the kitchen. She'd waited a block away while I picked up Hallie yesterday so she'd seen the outfit. Suze was here for the weekend, helping me get ready. I'd bought a bunch of baby stuff at the store today.

I'd even gotten some real furniture for the place.
 

You needed a dining table to go with a high chair after all.

"What? The girl breaks your heart and has the gall to look like a fucking supermodel?"

She shook her head.

"You sure know how to pick 'em, bro."

"She's not like that."

"What? Vain? No woman looks like that by accident dude."

Suzy prided herself on being a tomboy. She wore a fringed leather jacket and beat up jeans. She'd never worn heels in her life. She was gorgeous actually, but she made sure she never looked like she was trying to be.

I knew she'd had her share of rough times that made her not want to encourage male attention. She didn't talk about it, but I knew something had happened to her before we met. She was as ferocious as me when protecting the younger foster kids back in the day.

"I don't know why she was dressed like that. She's usually... not. "

I scrubbed a little harder and Suze hit the back of my neck with her bottle cap.

"Bullshit."

"Ow! Christ. I'm telling you, she's usually in jeans and a button down. I bet it was her best friend's idea. She's a hairdresser or something."

"Now that I believe. The post break up makeover is a classic chick move. Well, brother, if you want that girl back you better get in line. She's got to have guys on the back burner."

"She doesn't. Besides, it doesn't matter. I don't want her back."

"Liar. You don't just fall out of love with someone. Even if they fuck up. And this was a monumental fuck up."

I sighed and rubbed my neck. Suze was right of course. I was still in love with Jenny. How could I not be?

"She doesn't deserve you, of course. No mortal woman does. Still, must have been hard, having that baby all by herself. How old was she anyway?"

I flinched. I knew she was right. I couldn't stop thinking about it either. Jenny must have been so scared. And pissed at me for knocking her up.

Even more so when she found out my reputation...

I'd tried to imagine her telling the General. That must have been a gut wrenching conversation.
 

But she could have told me. She could have had my support, even from overseas. I would have done anything for her, or the baby.

Hell, I still would.

But she didn't know that. She couldn't have. She was barely eighteen years old and so proud...

"Fuck."

Suze toasted me, swigging her beer and belching.

"Yes, you
are
fucked. Get me another beer."

The doorbell rang and I shook my head.

"Get it yourself."

I opened the door and froze.

Jenny was standing outside in the rain.
 
No umbrella. She was soaked. The sheerness of her shirt clung to her curves in a way that made my mouth dry and my fingers itch to touch her.

Hell, I wanted to do more than touch her. I wanted to fuck her senseless.

But I wouldn't.

Not after what she'd done.

She didn't look like a heartbreaker though. She looked heartbroken. Just a lost little girl standing in the rain. I felt myself soften towards her again. Each day, each time I thought about it, I let my guard down just a little bit more.

"Can we talk? Please?"

I stared at her, knowing that if I let her in now, I wouldn't ever stop loving her. Maybe I was doomed. I knew she would be able to hurt me any time she wanted.

It didn't matter though. I couldn't leave the woman I loved standing outside in the pouring rain. I stepped to the side, about to tell her to come in when her eyes shot to something over my shoulder.

"Fuck Jagoff- all you have is- cans..."

Suze let her voice trail off, staring at Jenny standing in the door. I looked at Jenny and saw the hurt in her face. I knew what she was thinking.

I knew how it looked.

She took off at a run.

"Jenny!"

I was barefoot but I ran after her anyway. She was too fast though. She darted between the houses and I lost sight of her.

I had a feeling I'd just lost more than that.

Jenny

✈

"Now?
You're leaving now?"

I shoved another baby blanket into our luggage. We had two bags, Hallie and I. Two bags, my purse, a stroller and a couple thousand bucks.

And that was it.

It was just going to have to be enough.

"Margie has a cousin with a place in Charleston. She said she'd put in a good word. Said I had a job waiting for me."

I paused, looking at Crystal.

"
Probably
waiting for me."

"Where the hell are you going to live?"

I shrugged.

"I'll find a place. Even if I have to stay in an SRO for a few days-"

"An SRO? Hell, to the no girl."

I ignored her, choosing between my few pairs of jeans. I didn't have room for much so I picked the neatest pair. The ones I'd be wearing to job interviews.

God help me if someone wanted me to wear a suit or something.

My eyes fell on the letter I'd spent hours agonizing over. It was already in an envelope. His name was neatly written on the front. I picked it up gingerly, like it was a bomb that might go off.

"Can you... can you give this to Jagger? Not today. Or tomorrow. Just... eventually. Or if he comes looking for me."

"You're really running out on him? Again?"

I shook my head.

"He's already moved on, Crys. And it's not a love letter. It's a promise that he can see his daughter. I just need to get a lawyer to draw up some paperwork."

"I don't believe it. That man is crazy in love with you."

"No. Maybe he was. But... well, that's over now."

"I don't think so. I was there, girl. I saw the way his eyes popped out of his head when he saw you in that dress."

I tried to keep my voice light. To not let on how humiliating that moment had been. I had cringed a thousand times when I remembered it. The way his eyes had skittered away from me. He hadn't been turned on.

He'd been embarrassed for me.

"He thought I looked ridiculous, Crys. No offense."

"None taken. But trust me, ridiculous was not what he thought."

I held my hand out and she took the envelope with a heavy sigh.

"Fuck. I'm going to miss you, Red number two."

"You too, Red number one."

I smiled at her tremulously. I couldn't start crying now. If I did, I would never stop.

Besides, I was tired of crying. It was time to put on my big girl boots and get moving. I had a chance to start over and I was taking it.

I'd cried enough.

I pushed the top of the luggage down and zipped it shut. There. It was done. Everything we owned was inside that bag. The other bag was Hallie's diaper bag. It just held baby stuff; diapers, wipes and snacks for the trip. I had my beat up old purse, a light jean jacket and that was it.

"Are you sure you aren't just doing this so he'll come running after you?"

I shook my head.

"He won't. And since he won't know where I'm going, it doesn't matter. He can't come find me. Right Crys?"

I gave her a hard look and she nodded. I knew she wanted to help. But I didn't need any meddling. It was over. That was it.

"Besides, I don't know if I could forgive him for... her. It was just too soon and I... well, it doesn't matter now."

Crystal nodded. She knew what I was talking about. I'd described the sexy blond at Jagger's place in detail. Down to the fact that her lip was pierced and that she wasn't wearing a bra. He hadn't even waited a whole week to get somebody new in his bed.

But that was none of my business. He'd made that clear. And if he was moving on, I had to move on too. Not to another man. Just... away.

As far away as I could get.

"One last thing?"

"Anything for you toots."

"Can you give me a ride to the bus station?"

She held out her hands, begging me.

"Let me buy you a plane ticket at least."