Coda Books 01 - Promises (MM) (18 page)

Mostly I was hurt and ashamed. I knew if I tried to talk to him now, he would still be in attack mode and I would be defensive, and in the end, we would probably only end up saying more things we didn’t mean.

The next morning I called again and got his voice mail. This time I left a message. “Matt, I’m sorry. Please come home.”

I kept remembering what it had been like after my birthday, leaving messages for him and never hearing back. I spent the whole day at work trying to convince myself that he wouldn’t do that to me again. I was hopelessly relieved when I got home and found him waiting for me.

He was sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He looked scared but also determined.

I was so glad to see him and started to go to him, but he held up his hand to stop me.

“Stay over there.” He wasn’t looking at me, but his voice was firm.

“Why?”

“I have something I need to say to you. If you’re here, where I can touch you....” He took a deep breath and then looked up at me. “I’ll lose my nerve.”

I was sure my heart had stopped beating. There was only one thing that could make him sound so cold and so final while looking so scared. I leaned against the door, tried to steady my breathing, and waited for him to tell me that he was leaving me forever—leaving me alone again. I felt my arms cross over my chest and hugged myself tight, hoping I could keep myself together and knowing it was futile. I was sure that I would fly into a thousand pieces and be lost forever if he left me.

He took another deep breath and started talking. “I don’t do things halfway. Once I make a decision, I generally don’t waste time second-guessing myself. And with the exception of one very bad decision I made a couple of months ago”—he blushed when he said this, and I knew he was talking about his decision to leave me and date Cherie—“it has always been for the best.” He stopped for a minute, but I knew he wasn’t finished, so I waited. “So when I made the decision to be with you, I just assumed that what you wanted and what I wanted were the same thing. But I realize now that I should have asked you.”

My mind was scrambling for purchase, trying to see where this was headed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe he wasn’t breaking up with me. I hardly dared to hope. “You knew what I wanted.” I barely managed to get the words out.

He shook his head. “I thought I did. I assumed I did. But I never asked. I assumed that this”—he indicated the two of us—“was going to be something serious. I basically moved in with you, and I never stopped to question if that was what you wanted.”

“It was, Matt.” I hated how desperate I sounded. “It
is
.”

“Are you sure, Jared?” I started to answer, but he held up his hand to stop me. “Don’t talk. Let me finish. This relationship isn’t easy for me. It’s going to take time for the guys at the department to get used to the idea of me being gay. I mean, I’m still getting used to the idea myself. I’ve spent the last few months denying that we were lovers, and now suddenly I’m not denying it, and they know that I’ve been living here, and I have to take a lot of shit for that.

The truth is, Jared, I’m willing to deal with it, because of the way I feel about you. Because I’m not happy unless I’m with you. But I’m not sure I’m willing to deal with it if all you’re interested in is sex. I know that sounds like an ultimatum, and I don’t want it to, but I have to be honest. I want us to be together. But, like I said, I don’t do things halfway. So if we’re together, I need it to be for real. I need you to be sure.”

He stopped short like he wasn’t done but wasn’t sure what else to say. I felt like I was gasping for air, flooded with relief at what I was hearing. Once I had my balance, I looked back up at him. He was still sitting there, looking lost, looking like he needed to say more but didn’t know how. When it became evident he wasn’t going to say anything else, I asked, “Can I talk now?”

He almost smiled. “Yes.”

I went to him, put my arms around him, and kissed him, just barely. “Matt, this
is
what I want. I
do
want you here with me. It’s not just about sex. I’m crazy about you, and there’s nothing I want more than for us to be together.”

He looked relieved but still did not reach for me. “Jared, I don’t want to fight anymore.

We need to decide
now
how we’re going to handle this.”

I took a deep breath. This was the part I wasn’t sure about. “Okay.”

“I know you’re embarrassed—”

“Not of you.”

He ignored my interruption. “And I understand, to a certain extent. But, I think you’re going about it wrong, trying to hide it. We can spend our lives holed up here in this house, trying to pretend like we’re not together, but in a town this small, people will still know. And they
will
talk. And it seems to me that acting like criminals will only give them more to gossip about. I’m not saying it’s easy for me either, Jared, but I don’t want to hide anymore. I will not spend the rest of my life being ashamed of my love for you.”

That was the first time he had ever used that word, and I was stunned into silence. Only a few minutes ago, I had been sure that he was leaving me, and now he was actually saying that he loved me.

“Jared, please say something.”

My voice was shaking as I asked, “You really love me?”

He put one hand in my hair and pulled me closer, smiling and shaking his head at me. “Do you really have to ask?”

Some knot in my chest that I hadn’t quite realized still existed loosened up and was gone.

He loved me, and he really was happy with me, despite everything that it cost him with his coworkers. Was it really so much to ask for me to try to make it easier? I was causing all of these arguments, but why? Because I was too proud to face his coworkers? It occurred to me how proud I should be that he wanted me with him. I closed my eyes and concentrated on not allowing myself to cry in front of him, but I couldn’t stop my breath from shaking.

“What is it, Jared?” His voice was so gentle. “Talk to me.”

“You were right—I am scared. But….” I opened my eyes again and looked into his. “I don’t want to fight anymore either. I’ll do whatever you want me to do.”

He smiled again and then kissed me gently. “Will you go riding with me tomorrow?”

That simple request surprised me. “Of course.”

“Two of the guys from the station will be there.”

“Oh.”

“But you’ll go?”

This was it. I couldn’t turn back now. “If you want me to.”

“Will you go to the party with me on Saturday?”

My pulse raced, and I felt butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. “I will. I’ll hate it, but I’ll go if that’s what you want.”

“It is.” He tightened his arm around me and kissed me again, and then the hand in my hair pulled a little, like I knew it would, angling my head to the side so he could kiss my cheek, then my jaw, and then my neck. His voice was low and full of a promise that made my knees go weak as his lips brushed my ear. “Will you come in the bedroom with me?”

I laughed with relief. “God, yes. Happily.”

He led me to the bedroom and slowly, slowly, undressed me, kissing me everywhere. He took nothing for himself, gently turning away all of my efforts to please him, and used his hands and his mouth on me, teasing me into the most amazing orgasm I had experienced in a long time. And afterward, he kissed me gently, held me tight against him, and whispered in my ear, “I do love you, Jared. It frightens me sometimes how much I love you.”

I could not stop the tears this time and was relieved that it was dark in the bedroom, so he couldn’t see them. I put my arms around him. “Matt—”

He silenced me with a finger on my lips. “Shh.” He wrapped himself around me, chest to chest, legs tangled together, one hand moving through my hair. He kissed my forehead. “No more talking, Jared. Just let me hold you.”

Any doubts I might have had were gone. He loved me. Nothing else mattered.

THE next day, just after lunch, we loaded our bikes onto the Jeep and headed for the trailhead.

I was leaning against the window, watching the trees fly past, trying to steady my nerves and convince myself that I didn’t really need to throw up. I hated myself for being so nervous.

“Are you okay over there?” Matt asked lightly.

“No. I’m trying to remember why I agreed to this.” I was trying to remember our conversation from the day before, but in the harsh light of day, it was hard to hang on to. I forced myself to remember his whisper in my ear, his arms tight around me, as he told me that he loved me. That’s why I was here. I was doing this for him. Still, it was doing nothing to alleviate the knots in my stomach.

“It’s going to be fine.”

“That’s easy for you to say.” Logically, I knew that he was right. It was just riding, which I love. I probably wouldn’t have to talk to them much at all. And in a few short hours, we would be back home. I took a deep breath. “Who are these guys? What should I expect?”

“Grant Jameson and Tyson McDaniels.”

It took me a second to figure out why that name sounded familiar. “Grant Jameson? That asshole that came to my house and asked if I had kids in my bedroom?”

“Grant
is
an asshole. I won’t even try to deny it. But Tyson is an okay guy. Mostly he just follows Grant’s lead. I think if he knows you better, maybe he’ll quit listening to Grant so much. Grant will probably always harass me about it, but it’s starting to be more like
friendly
harassment. Most of the time, at least. And I think it’s important for them to realize that I’m not ashamed to be with you.”

“So they accept you now but not me, even though they know we’re together?”

“For the most part. Once they realized that calling me names wasn’t going to change anything and that I could still hold my own against any of them, they got over it.” He shrugged.

“Mostly. Some of the older cops will never accept me, and I can deal with that. But Grant and Tyson are the ones I work with the most, and I need for them to get used to it. They’re starting to accept it, especially Tyson. They know me, and I don’t fit their stereotype. You don’t fit it either, but you refuse to prove it.”

“That’s really all it takes?” I was still skeptical.

“I think that’s a lot of it, yes.”

I shook my head. “I think you’re kidding yourself.” He didn’t answer, and we drove a while in silence. I was confused when he passed the turnoff for the trail we usually rode. “Where’re we going?”

“Johnson’s Rock.”

That surprised me. Johnson’s Rock was the toughest trail in the area. Matt could almost keep up with me on the easier trails, but the one time we had tried Johnson’s Rock, he had struggled more than usual.

“Why?”

“It seemed like a good idea.”

“Are these guys that good?”

He smiled over at me. “Not even close.”

“You do realize you’re making no sense at all, right?”

“I told them the other day that you and I were going riding. And Grant asked, wouldn’t I rather ride with somebody who could keep up with me instead of a fucking fairy? So I suggested that they come with us.”

“That’s why we’re going to the toughest trail in the area?”

“Exactly!”

“I still don’t see how this will change anything.”

“It’s all about competition. They have respect for people who can beat them.”

The light came on. “Ah. I think it’s all making sense now.”

“It will bring Grant down a notch to eat your dust all day. And it will prove to them both that you’re not what they expect.”

“You are a manipulative bastard.”

“I am.” And the smile he gave me made up for it all.

Grant and Tyson were waiting for us at the trailhead. Tyson nodded and shook my hand when Matt introduced me, although he seemed unwilling to meet my eyes. Grant didn’t even acknowledge my existence.

We mounted up and were just ready to start out, when Grant said, “Are you boys and
girls
ready?” Tyson turned away, obviously embarrassed. Matt ignored him completely. I felt myself go red up to my hairline and heard the blood pounding in my ears, but I kept my eyes on the ground and said nothing. “Okay then,” Grant said when it became obvious nobody was going to respond. “I’ll wait for you at the top.”

Matt smiled at him. “We’ll see who’s waiting for who, asshole.” He said it jokingly, and Grant and Tyson both laughed before starting out, leaving Matt and me at the trailhead.

“You ready?” he asked me.

I couldn’t even look at him. “I’m trying not to hate you right now.”

He put his hand on the back of my neck and waited until my eyes met his. “I know.” Then he leaned over and kissed me lightly. “Thank you for trusting me.”

I shook my head but let it go and asked instead, “Do you want me to wait for you? And them?”

“Only if you want to.”

We finally started out. I left Matt behind me and passed Grant and Tyson within minutes.

Once I was off on my own, my bad mood started to wear off. I love it all too much, the mountains and the riding and the challenge of making it up the trail. The sun was shining. The temperature was in the low fifties, but the breeze had a hint of frost in it. Among the towering evergreens were patches of aspen, their white limbs bare. Sheltered patches of ground that never saw the sun had snow that wouldn’t melt until next spring. I found that I couldn’t hang on to my anger.

I turned around and rode back down to them. Matt was riding with them now.

“Hey,” he said happily as I reached them. “Is it a successful ride? Are you bleeding yet?”

I laughed. “Not yet. Are you?”

“Only Tyson, so far. We were just talking about a bet—whoever crashes the least has to buy dinner.”

I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “You’re on.”

I rode with them for a few minutes until we got to the next hard section, where I ended up ahead of them again without meaning to. The rest of the ride was like that. I would ride ahead for a while, on my own, and then turn around and ride back down to meet them. We would ride together for a while, but I always seemed to end up out front on my own after a while, whether I meant to or not.