Code Name: Ghost (A Warrior's Challenge 1) (33 page)

His face stung like a bastard, but it didn’t
affect him nearly as much as seeing tears fill her eyes. “Kayla?”
Her anger morphed into pure agony. There was so much pain he
couldn’t believe it.
Why did he say that?
Confusion between
Kayla as part of the team and Kayla the woman muddled his mind.
“You’re a goddamn embarrassment.”

Anguish twisted her features and she
struggled to gain control. When she couldn’t, she bowed her head,
pushing through the squad.

“Kayla—” Mace stiffened turning on him.
“Commander—what the fuck are you doing?”

“Shut it, Mace,” he ordered sharply,
reaching for the sting in his cheek and turning his gaze on Cobbs.
“This is what happens when you let a woman into the mix.”

Cobbs cocked his head and slowly lifted a
brow at him. “What you mean is, this is how bad it hurts seeing the
woman you love being wanted by other men. Instead of telling her
how much she means to you, you take your frustration out on her.”
Cobbs took a threatening step toward him, the others following.
“Did you listen to a word Fox said? Do you ever listen to anyone,
you stupid bastard? In her weakest moment, when she’s obviously
hurting, you cut her down and watched her fall.” Cobbs toured his
silver eyes across the squads’ faces and then glared at him with
disgust. “If you wanted to lose her for good, you’ve done an
exemplary job, Thane.”

He swallowed thickly, hearing every word his
old friend said, every word the truth.

* * * *

Kayla closed the door to her condo and flung
her purse on the counter. Yanking off her heels, they clacked
against the wall, leaving a scuffmark. Adrenaline and sorrow pumped
through her veins. She threw open the patio door, and the evening
wind strode in to greet her, but she shunned the tepid warmth.

Sitting down, she cradled her forehead in
the heels of her hands. Once a year, she let herself feel it
all—grief, loneliness, as the past welled in her heart, tears
exploded from her. It was the one gift she allowed herself at this
time of year to purge her heart. The ghost of Christmases past
dragged her memories to the forefront and wrapped cold chains
around her. By Christmas the abyss was full, and the emptiness
crept over the edges, bitter and fathomless. The anguish wanted its
freedom. She let a sob loose with no hope of holding it back.

Strong arms wrapped around her, and she
thrashed to escape, blinded by the past, terror ripping a cry from
her.

“Easy,” Thane breathed into her ear.

She tore herself from his grip, wiping the
tears away at the same time backing up against the glass doors.
“Get out of my house.”

“Kayla, I’m sorry.” His expression twisted
with confusion.

“Leave.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head once. “Tell
me what’s wrong.”

She whirled around and marched through her
living room to the kitchen, Thane close behind. Throwing open the
cabinet, she reached for a bottle. The shackles of regret couldn’t
be vanquished, but alcohol would slow them down.

Placing his hands on the kitchen counter
separating them, he said, “That isn’t going to solve anything. I
know, I’ve been there many times.”

“Use the front door, Commander.” Having to
listen to his judgmental ravings wouldn’t help. She’d judged,
condemned and sentenced herself a long time ago. Solitary
confinement kept her sane and alone. Choking back another sob, she
pushed to her tiptoes to grab the bottle.

“Kayla,” he barked at her. “Don’t ignore me.
I asked you a question. I want a goddamn answer.”

Anger swelled in her and she yanked the
bottle from the cupboard. She didn’t mean for it to land so hard.
The bottle shattered on impact and liquid splashed onto her feet
and across her dress.

“Hold still,” he commanded. Stepping across
the glass, he picked her up in his arms, turned and headed down the
hallway.

“Get out.” Fighting to free herself, panic
welled up. This was the Commander, he wouldn’t hurt her, but her
memories grasped at dark images, his grip like iron manacles. He
bumped the door to her bedroom open, and laid her on the bed.

“Look at me.” He sat down beside her,
keeping her pinned. “Kayla, you’re scaring the shit out of me. Stop
this—right now.”

Her eyes rose to meet his, but only because
he commanded it.

“You’ve taken everyone’s shifts, working
straight through Christmas. You’re not going back to BC because
there’s no one there to go to, is there?” His gaze softened.
“Sweetheart, you’re not alone.”

Her entire soul caved in, crumpling with the
words. Hearing them out loud shattered her. Drawing her to his
chest, he rocked her in his arms as her entire body shook with huge
sobs. The Commander held her, waiting patiently for her to calm
down.

With gentle force he raised her chin. “I’m
sorry,” his brow furrowed deeply. “I didn’t mean what I said. Not a
word.”

“Go home, Commander.”

“You’re pushing everyone away.”

She twisted in his arms and curled into a
tight ball, clutching the pillow. She’d done it ever since she was
a child, her only protection against the bad things. The soft
flannel squeezed tight between her fingers.

“There’s no excuse for what I said, but
there was a bar full of men who wanted you. It set me off. I—”

Focusing on the wall, she said, “Commander,
go home. Spend time with the people who are important to you.”
Numbness enveloped her. The blissful protection created a barrier
against all the memories that refused to let go. Closing her eyes,
she breathed with a little relief. For most of the year, she
existed like everyone else, going about her life, but when
Christmas descended, the memories always came back with brutal
force. The nightmares wormed into her heart with poisoness truth.
With a gentle prod, she pushed his hand resting on her hip away.
“Go.”

He rose to tower over the bed. “Kayla, you
said Christmas was about being with people who care the most.
People do care about you, Mace, Red, the entire team. You’re part
of us, and we never leave a team member behind.”

She could hear the worry and confusion in
his voice. “Commander, leave this harlot in an unmarked grave.”

“You’re lashing out to protect yourself, but
you’re hurting all of us. If you don’t think the light in my life
doesn’t affect me when she’s struggling with her demons, and she
doesn’t trust me enough to share them with me, you’re wrong.”

The numbness gave her back control and she
turned, draping her legs over the edge of the bed. “I’m nobody’s
light.”

Thane sat in the chair across from her.
Leaning over, he rested his forearms on his powerful thighs, and
bowing his head, he said, “You’re the beacon that brings me home.
Did you know that?”

Clutching the edge of the mattress stopped
her from falling to her knees in front of him. Her weakness craved
to rest her head in his lap, seek out his strength. “No, Commander,
there’s only darkness inside of me.”

“Why won’t you trust me, like you trust Fox
and that idiot Lapierre?”

She shook her head. Tears slid down her
cheeks and she hated letting the Commander see her vulnerability.
Working with men, it was the last thing they wanted to see. “I’m
sorry I embarrassed you, that wasn’t my intent, sir.” She took a
stuttering breath and gathered the little bravery she could muster,
then looked up into his handsome features. Knowing how much of a
failure she must be in his eyes, crippled her almost as much as her
nightmares. She’d let him down. “It won’t happen again,
Commander.”

With one stride, he knelt in front of her,
curling his hand over hers. “Kayla, what’s making you do this? Fox
won’t tell me. Red threatened me not to push you, but I can’t stand
by and watch this. If anything, I’ll suffer with you, just tell me
what’s going on.”

Explaining her past would put everything in
jeopardy. He’d never look at her the same way again if he knew. She
hid her dark side all the time. It had taken years to heal herself,
but she’d done it. Becoming too close to the team was a mistake
she’d rectify soon.

They stared at each other in a silent
standoff. Her gaze swept over every handsome, rugged inch of his
face, putting each piece into her memory. He was the man every
other man aspired to be, and he was her strength too.

Thane lifted a curl from her cheek and
brushed her bangs from her eyes. “Sometimes I think I can read your
mind.” His brows quirked as if considering a thought then
dismissing it at the same time. “Right now, I think you’re
considering things I don’t want you to consider. Before you make
any decisions you need to know something.”

If she didn’t interrupt, he’d have his say
and leave. He always left her, and this time it couldn’t be soon
enough.

“Since the day you came into my life I’ve
had one wish. Somewhere, on some other plane, you and I aren’t the
Ghost and Snow White. When we looked into each other’s eyes we knew
we’d walk through life together, having all the things others take
for granted, peace, living a life ignorant of all the shades of
evil in this world. It’s a place where I never have to leave you.”
The Commander’s jaw hardened and his forehead lined with worry. His
normally strong voice broke with emotion. “Every day I wish that.
You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one filled with regret.
I’ve kept my distance from you because if I don’t…”

He squeezed her hands between his and kissed
the top of her knuckles. Her heart imploded on itself, and filled
with bittersweet warmth as tears cascaded down her cheeks unbidden.
“That’s what dreams are for, Commander, for all our foolish desires
that will never be.”

“I recognize the haunted look in a man’s
eyes. A man who’s seen too much and has reached his end. What I
don’t understand is seeing it in yours. Talk to me, Kayla.”

Buried in her past but never forgotten, she
waged war against the battle she’d survived. “Sometimes, there’s no
way to find the light, Commander. I don’t need rescuing.” A sob
choked off her words.

Thane rested his forehead against hers and
closed his eyes. “Don’t give up on me, Snow White. I believe in
you, every beautiful, brave, honorable bit of you.” He kissed her
sweetly, his lips sweeping the tears from her cheeks. “It’s not
fear of losing our lives that keeps a SEAL breathing. The compass
that points toward home gives him a reason and a direction. You’re
mine. There is no way in this world I will leave you in the
darkness.” He kissed her again. “No matter how dark it gets, Kayla,
I will always find you.”

“Merry Christmas, Kayla,” Jake greeted,
dropping his pack on the ground by the console ready to take over
the evening shift.

God, she was sick of hearing that. She just
had to make it through a few more days and people would put the
merry music, being nice to each other, and the fake warm fuzzy
feelings away. There wasn’t a damn thing merry about Christmas, but
like every year, she went through the motions. “Hey, Jake. There’s
nothing pressing, except for the recon ops from Kabul.”

“Yeah, it gets pretty quiet around here at
Christmas. Too bad it couldn’t be like this every day. We might be
out of a job if the world finally decided to shake hands.”

“There’s a thought.”

Jake flicked a couple more lights on and
swiveled the chair to sit down. “Kayla, I know it was a lot to ask,
but thanks for working half the day shift for me tomorrow. Beck has
a big family meal…”

“No problem. I’ll work the whole thing for
you.”

Jake’s green eyes rounded. “You would?
Kayla, whoa I owe you one.”

“No, you don’t. I’m working for John
tomorrow night anyway. There’s no point in leaving,” she said,
leaning over to retrieve her bag. “Do you have plans tonight? I
could pull a double.”

He tilted his head, his eyes tracing a path
across her face. “Kayla, are you okay?”

“Of course. Do you want me to work for you
tonight? I can cancel my dinner plans.”

“No,” he said, reaching out and squeezing
her arm. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, Merry Christmas,” she said,
plastering a smile on her lips.

* * * *

The base was deathly quiet as she walked
toward the gate. After the big Santa fest at lunch yesterday, most
people bailed to get home and do their last minute preparations. It
had rained all afternoon, leaving a moist curtain in the air, but
she left her jacket off, preferring the chill. It didn’t penetrate
her skin, likely afraid of the iciness of her heart. Maybe she
should just stay home tonight instead of…a sound behind her drew
her attention.

The December afternoon made it dark by five
o’clock. Grinding a heel, she turned, the cold in her heart
changing to an angry challenge. “Come on, you bastard, I hope it’s
you,” she whispered, gazing around.

The sound of metal gliding across metal
stilled her, sending an icy tremor up her spine. She swallowed
hard, and her heart began to pound. Her gaze darted across the
garbage containers lining one side of the alley. A slow slice of
steel against metal reached out to her maliciously—a warning. “What
are you waiting for?” Raindrops sprinkled down on her skin, and
within seconds it became a downpour. The drops struck her face and
splashed against her lashes. “I’m right here. Do it!” Her blood
pumped hard in her veins. Anger, loss, hopelessness. This was her
end. Ten years to the day, the irony of it wasn’t missed. She took
a step toward the alley. “Now, do it now!” she screamed into the
dark.

The weight of regret churned thick in the
back of her throat. “I’ve been waiting for you.” She dropped her
bags and took another step toward the sound. “Take it, take my
life.” She narrowed her eyes against the pelting rain.