Collateral (44 page)

that way.
He gets to his feet and starts

packing up his stuff. Jonah says

he'll take me. He and Alvarez help me

to the BMW, and by the time we get

there, Jonah's wheezing. A quick

exam, and Alvarez tells us Cole also

cracked one of Jonah's ribs. Jonah

actually smiles.
Always wanted to

take one for the team. It hurt.

We drive to Emergency in stunned

silence. Jonah reaches over, grabs

my hand, and holds it the whole way.

I can't believe what just happened.

I've been with Cole for over five years,

and though I've seen him angry—frozen

over, even—I never thought of him

as violent before. Okay, as a soldier, yes.

And he did shake me that one time.

But this? No. He'd never. Except,

he did. How could anyone do this

to someone they loved? Does he love

me? Can I possibly still love him?

And even if I can, do I want to? One

thing's for certain. There won't be

a wedding. All that money, down

the drain. And I'll need to start making

calls. Except, I can't talk. Can't think

very well, either, though I'm mostly

sober. Guess it can wait till tomorrow.

In a couple of days. I'm looking

forward to it, with the kind of

rapt anticipation I haven't had

since I first went off to college.

Time to focus on what Ashley wants.

My jaw has healed, at least it's hard

to tell now it was broken in three

places, required surgery and wiring

my mouth shut for eight weeks.

That was a lot of soup. And Jonah

brought regular milkshakes.

I didn't want to press charges,

but Darian convinced me I should.

Cole needs help, and he won't get it

unless you do. Anyway, Jonah will.

If I'd asked him not to, he wouldn't

have. But I decided Dar was right.

The wheels of justice turn slowly,

though, especially when the military

is involved in a civilian action. It took

months to set up a court date. Enough

time for Cole to complete his special

ops training. Next thing we knew, he'd

been sent overseas. Probably to

Afghanistan. That part is a secret.

He called me once during that time.

Told me how sorry he was.
I didn't

mean to hurt you. Never wanted

that. I just went a little off. Can you

find it in your heart to forgive me?

By then, I'd thought it through.

Dissected it. Tried to stitch it back

together. But no matter how hard

I tried, I could not reconcile Cole

and me and the future. He'd broken

my jaw, but he had shattered

my heart. Smashed all the love

I'd felt for him into a small heap

of dust. Residue. That's all I had left

for him. The man I'd first met, the Cole

I fell in such overwhelming love with,

had been so profoundly changed

that he no longer existed. The soldier

who remained was largely a stranger.

Because I watched the transformation,

understood why it had happened,

I could tell him, “I forgive you, Cole.

But we need to end it here. Please ask

for help.” After five and a half years,

there would be no more Ash time.

Much money on the wedding. Dar

helped there. Every vendor heard

a very sad story. All deposits were

returned, even the winery's. They

were able to rebook that night.

I spent it walking the beach, beneath

a thin stream of moonlight. Jonah

asked if I wanted company, but I

needed to be alone. I'm still nursing

a wound that has nothing to do

with my jaw. It's scabbed over, but

every now and then something rubs

against it, makes it bleed. When

the news broke about the soldier

who flipped out one night, took

his rifle and killed more than a dozen

women and kids, I thought it must

be Cole. But then they said he was

Army. My first reaction was relief.

It wasn't him. I couldn't have been

that wrong. Then came the certainty

that one day it could be Cole I hear

about on the news. I've witnessed

him a little crazy. He could go rogue.

He is not the type to ask for help.

I asked for help. I'm in therapy.

Working my way out of my own dark

places. Depression. Stress anxiety.

Chronic OCD. I've quit pharmaceuticals.

Still drink wine, the occasional dark beer.

But not to sleep. Not to avoid dreams.

The nightmares don't come so often

anymore. A couple of times, I have jerked

awake in bed, sure that Cole was lying

there beside me. Once, I thought

he was walking through the door.

But as the fear fades, mostly I dream

of the ocean. Surfing. Jonah. I'm treading

lightly there. I want to give him more.

But whenever I get close, I see golden eyes.

Jonah says he understands, that

he's waited a long time for the right

woman. What's a little more? For now,

he's content to help me heal. Anyway,

he's still my professor, emphasis on

the “my.” I watch him pull our boards

from the back of the Woodie. Small

breaks only for a while, until I rediscover

my courage. But one day I'll ride Banzai.

And Jonah will be there to have my back.

by Ashley Patterson

An orbit of need, aroused

by flight of morning,

feathered in tentative light.

Tempt me from this drowsy

abyss, persuade me from these tepid

dreams with the scorch

of your kiss.

But lips do not belong

to lips alone.

Bid yours to forge

fresh trails upon my earth, rich

with taste of summer skin

and muted scent of longing.

Leave no ground undisturbed,

no pebble disregarded.

No hiding place.

Drench me with your mouth,

fix your eyes on mine.

Allow me audience as you open

me wide, an empty book,

awaiting words penned by your tongue

without censor, without pause.

Fill these famished pages,

complete this passage,

write me to zenith.

Drown me with poetry

as dawning slips away.

Also by Ellen Hopkins

Triangles

Young Adult Novels

Crank

Burned

Impulse

Glass

Identical

Tricks

Fallout

Perfect

Tilt

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This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Copyright © 2012 by Ellen Hopkins

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