Collected Stories (61 page)

I knew he was watching me walk away.

I went outside. The moon and stars were bright; the air was warm. On the deck, most of the guests had gathered and were dancing wildly, yelling and whistling. The female Newbody I’d met earlier was performing: kicking out, swaying and singing in front of a guitarist and keyboard player, encouraging us to worship her as she worshipped herself.

I asked someone, ‘What’s she called?’

‘Miss Reborn,’ I was told.

When I touched Patricia on the shoulder, she took me in her arms. ‘I looked for you everywhere.’

‘Matte and I were talking.’

‘He wanted your opinion on things, eh?’ she said with unnecessary sarcasm.

‘I can’t say I learned a lot about him.’

‘Why not?’ she said. ‘Up here, I’ve been following the rumours and fantasies. His family are wealthy, that’s for sure.’

‘Is that all?’

‘Kiss me.’ I did so. She said, ‘His beloved brother, who is much older than him, is dying, apparently, from an incurable disease.’

‘His brother?’

‘Dying painfully – on this boat, in a sealed cabin, they say.’

‘Really?’

‘He is yards from us, as we frolic here.’ I recalled the two men guarding a door. ‘That’s made you think.’

‘Why don’t we dance while there’s time? I can’t believe that singer. Look at her move.’

‘Oh, yes,’ she said. ‘Why didn’t you suggest we dance earlier?’

‘It’s not too late.’

‘You little liar, you weren’t talking to Matte at all,’ she said. ‘You were fucking. You’re all cock. How many were there?’

‘Too many to mention.’

‘I know that if you and I are to be together it’s something I’m going to have to live with.’

‘That’s right.’

Her head was on my shoulder. While we danced, I could think over what Matte had said. It wasn’t difficult to see why he wanted my body for his brother. But why didn’t he go and buy one, as I had? That was what I didn’t understand – why he was so keen on me.

I tried to forget about it. I began to enjoy dancing with Patricia, holding and kissing her, examining the folds and creases of her old neck and full arms, the excess flesh of her living body, and holding her mottled hands. I thought about something he’d said, ‘Who wants a lot of Oldbodies hanging about the world? They’re ugly and expensive to maintain. Soon, they’ll be irrelevant.’

Yet there was something in her I didn’t want to let go of. Her body and soul were one, she was ‘real’, but how could such a notion count against immortality?

Matte had filled me with anxiety and foreboding. I wasn’t aware of how long Patricia and I danced, but I guessed the night was gone. We must have been around the islands and back to where we’d started. I’d been on that boat far too long.

Patricia had her hands inside my shirt. ‘You make me feel all slippy. I want you again. I can’t wait to have you.’

Much as I was glad to be with her, I didn’t think I could go through all that.

‘You might have to wait a bit,’ I said.

‘Why?’

‘Oh, I don’t know. I’m tired. Look,’ I said. ‘There’s plenty of men about. Young men on their own, too.’

I could see at least three or four well-built guys standing around the edge of the dance floor.

‘Tell me something,’ she said. I noticed a new clarity in her eyes. ‘You won’t tell me the truth, I know that. But I’ll know anyway. Does touching me, kissing me, licking me … is it something you’d rather not do? Does my body disgust you?’

Her physical presence, her body, didn’t repel me, in fact. My sister had been a nurse. She’d taught me not to find bodies repellent, only the people inside them. It was Patricia’s proprietorial attitude I found difficult. While I was thinking about this, she watched me.

‘Now I know,’ she said. ‘I thought that was it. It took me a while to figure it out.’

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘What you do to me is a description of what you say men do to women, lower and humiliate them. It’s fascistic. Patricia, whatever happened to the revolution?’

She stepped back from me, as if something had exploded inside her body.

I slipped away, moving quickly now. It wasn’t her I wanted to get away from. Out of the corner of my eye I had seen Matte pointing me out to another man, who was looking to see where I was. Other men were moving towards him.

I went round to the other side of the yacht and stripped off to my pants. I tied my shoes together and stuck them down the back. I could see a few lights on the shore in the distance. Preparations were being made for disembarkation, but it would take some time. I couldn’t wait. I climbed onto the rail and dived into the sea.

I had surfaced and been swimming a few minutes when I heard voices. There were splashes behind me. Others were joining in. Why? I stopped for a moment and looked behind. By the light of the ship, I could tell that the swimmers following me didn’t resemble women from the Centre, but men from the boat. They were not stoned or drunk revellers either. They were swimming with purpose, without churning up the water. They must have been Matte’s men. They were quick and strong. So was I; and I had the advantage, just.

I ran out of the water, put on my shoes and sprinted up the beach into the village. A few bars and discos were still open. The square was full of noise and people. I could have disappeared into the crowd somewhere, but what then? Soon everyone would start to disperse. Anyhow, I didn’t want to risk running into any of my other enemies.

I hurried through the narrow alleys towards the Centre. When I got there, it was deserted, to my relief. I relaxed a little and made myself a cup of tea. I would hide out in the place until the morning. But the more I thought about it, the less safe I felt. The men following me had seemed determined. It wouldn’t have been difficult for Matte to find out where I was staying, and he was ruthless.

As I was collecting my washbag and a few other things from the roof, I thought I heard someone rattling the handle of the door in the wall. I didn’t hear any raised female voices either. Hurrying now, I picked up several items of women’s clothing, spread out on the roof to dry, and shoved them in my rucksack.

When I heard voices within the building and saw a torchlight flash, I leapt from the roof of the accommodation block to the roof of the kitchen. I jumped down the side of the building to a narrow concrete ledge below. I knew the only way out now was down the side of the hill. I wasn’t sure how steep it was exactly, but I was in no doubt that it was a stiff gradient.

Not only that, the terrain was rough. As I teetered there, trying to decide what to do, I was aware of how strong the desire to live was. Had it come to it, I could have stood on that ledge for days. I’d been depressed in my life, at times; suicidal, even. But I wasn’t ready to give up my mind or my body. I wanted to live.

I jumped. It must have been twenty feet down. After hitting the earth, every staggering step was perilous. It seemed to be rocky and sandy at the same time. I couldn’t stop to think. I slipped and fell most of the way; it was impossible for me to stay on my feet. My body got cut all over. What was the foliage made of? Tin? Razors? It was like rolling through broken glass. However, to my knowledge I wasn’t being followed.

At the bottom of the hill, I halted. I couldn’t hear anyone following me. I waited for more of the night to pass. Cautiously, I made my way towards the beach. By now, even the copulators had gone.

I broke into the bathroom of a deserted restaurant where I washed and shaved off my beard. Then I lay down on some benches, pulling a damp tarpaulin on top of me. There were slithery creatures, insects and dogs around, and men who wanted my body. I didn’t sleep.

I was at the harbour before it was light, waiting for the first boat to take me back to Piraeus. I’d get to Athens and decide my next move. I had covered my head in a long, light scarf; I wore a wraparound skirt and dark glasses. I wouldn’t get on the boat until the last moment.

I was sitting at the back of a café facing the harbour when someone whispered the name I’d so foolishly given myself in my arrogance. Even as I thought of running once more, I began to shiver with terror.

Alicia, of course, had come looking for me.

‘How did you find me?’ I said. I indicated my outfit. ‘Do these colours suit me?’

‘Yes, but not all at once.’

‘Some of the men on the island have been threatening me again. I know they work down here.’

She said, ‘I thought: what would I do here? Where would I hide? And there you were.’

‘Right,’ I said. ‘Do I look conspicuous?’

‘Only to me. Anyone try to pick you up yet?’

‘I’m too much of a tragic figure.’

‘A tragic figure with most unladylike hairy ears,’ she said. We had coffee together. She said, ‘You’re running.’

‘Time to move on. Did you enjoy it last night?’

‘Something strange happened. I’ll tell you about it another time.’ Then she said, ‘I won’t be staying at the Centre much longer. Patricia will be after me, when she finds you’ve gone. I’m disappointed you’re fleeing like this.’

‘I’m sorry if I have made things difficult for you, but she’ll never leave me alone.’

‘It’s the price the beautiful have to pay. Aren’t you used to it yet?’

Watching the boat being loaded up, I was getting nervous; I asked if she minded getting me a ticket from the harbour office. I could see several likely candidates for Matte’s men.

On the ship, I hid in the women’s toilet. After, when people started to bang on the door, I had to come out. I thought I was done for. I made my way to the car deck and hid under a blanket on the back seat of an old Mercedes. The boat docked and the driver got in without noticing me. Outside, as the traffic queued to leave, I hopped out of the car and ran for it. I sprinted out of there and into the crowd, and got a taxi.

I’m not sure why, but I returned to the part of London I knew. I felt safer, and more at ease in my mind, in a familiar place. In your own city, you don’t have to think about where you are. Being pursued had frightened me; I was scared all the time now. I had no idea whether Matte would still be following me. I must have convinced myself that he’d lost interest in me. Perhaps his brother had died; maybe he’d found another body. I am, however, old enough to know how few of our thoughts bear any relation to the way things are.

I checked into the same dismal hotel as before. When I needed money I worked in a factory packing Christmas toys. Perhaps Matte was right, and it had been a mistake to ‘hire’ a body for six months. I didn’t have time to begin a new life as a new person, and, expecting to go back, I missed my old life. I was in limbo, a waiting room in which there was no reality but plenty of anxiety.

One morning at eight, there was a knock on my door.

In this hotel, there were always knocks on the door – refugees, thieves, prostitutes, drug dealers; people who would never be able to afford new bodies or even to feed adequately the one they already had; people looking for other people and no one wanting to do you a favour, if it wasn’t in exchange for another one. Usually, though, they would declare themselves. This time there was no reply.

Maybe Matte had come for my body. I’d seen the movie. Men in dark suits were outside. While they were kicking the door in, I’d hide in the shower with my gun, or climb out of the bathroom window and down the fire-escape. That was the young man’s route, and I wouldn’t be a young man in my mind, however lithe my body. For there was another part of me, my older mind, if you like, which was, by now, outraged by the violation, the cheek of it. My body wasn’t for sale, though I had, of course, purchased it myself.

‘How did you find me?’

Alicia was sitting on the bed; I stood looking at her. She had shaved her head and put on weight. She wore a top with a bow at the front.

‘Why have you grown a full beard?’

‘Alicia, I am hoping to be taken seriously.’

I’d forgotten how nervous she was. ‘Leo, it’s good to see you. How much do you mind me coming to see you?’

‘Not as much as you might think. I do need to know how you tracked me down.’

‘I haven’t told Patricia – she isn’t downstairs, if that’s what’s bothering you. I looked through your things one time … trying to … I wanted to know who you were. You do know, I guess, that you’re as elusive as a spy. It turned me into a spy. I found a receipt for this hotel and wrote the address into one of my poems. Still,’ she said, ‘if you want to be private, why shouldn’t you be? Do you want me to go?’

‘I’ll come with you. Let’s get out of here. I never stay in this room during the day.’

I was putting on my coat.

She said, ‘You’re writing.’

In the corner of the room, on a small table, were some papers.

‘Please don’t look at that,’ I said.

‘Why not?’

‘Leave it! I’m trying … to do something about an old man in a young man’s body.’

‘You’ve done a lot. Is it a film?’ She was turning the pages. ‘There’s dialogue. It’s professionally laid out. Have you written before?’

‘You encouraged me, Alicia.’

‘It was the other way around. Will you try to sell it?’

‘You never know. Give it here now.’

‘What a strange boy you are!’

I took the papers from her and put them under the bed.

In the café, I asked, ‘How is my friend Patricia?’

‘What a trouble-maker you are. People had paid to attend her classes but she refused to get out of bed. You showed her something was possible, some intensity of feeling with a man, and you took it away again. She would send for me and we’d talk about you for hours, wondering who you were. She would rage and weep. The only relief was when that man from the boat came to see her.’

‘Man?’

‘The playboy. Matte.’

‘Alicia, what happened?’

‘I was sent out of the room. I heard everything from outside the window.’

‘And?’

‘You owed him something, he said. He wouldn’t say what it was. You didn’t borrow money from him?’ I shook my head. ‘He wanted to find you, wanted to know whether there was anyone who knew you.’

‘Did he threaten Patricia?’

‘He didn’t need to. She was delighted to talk about the intricacies of your character, in so far as she understood it, for hours. Not that this interested Matte. Of course, she doesn’t know where you are. I left the island a few days later and went to Athens.’