Come to Me Recklessly (18 page)

Rain pelted from above, my entire body soaked, water dripping like a faucet from my hair and clinging heavy to my jeans.

What the fuck was I thinking, chasing her down?

But I couldn’t stop the insanity she spurred in me.

I hadn’t felt anything real in a long, long time.

But that kiss.

That kiss.
 

First real emotion in years. Of course it would come from her. And it wasn’t bitter or angry. No. All I was feeling was light. The good. Even with her torment, I felt it, like I could seep inside her and feel that same sweet girl who’d knocked me from my feet years ago.

I watched her sloshing through the rivers flowing down the road, her head down, wrapping herself up in her arms as if it could shield herself from the pain I’d just inflicted.

I was so tired of hurting her.

Tired of her hurting me.

She’d been hurting me for fucking years.

I was tired of it all.

How’d I become enemies with the person I cared about most? Couldn’t handle that anymore. Hating her. Blaming her. Just didn’t know if there was any way for me to fix it.

On the Wednesday after Courtney’s birthday party, my students were gathered around me on the large play rug, their legs crisscrossed, enchanted by the story I read them.

The door cracked open. Cici popped her head inside. “Hey… psst… Samantha,” she whispered as if she hadn’t already disturbed the class. An excited smile crossed her face. “We need you up front.”

I frowned and tucked a bookmark between the pages. “Everything okay?” Why I was whispering, too, I didn’t know.

“Um… yeah… I would say so. Go on… I’ll watch these little guys for a couple minutes.”

Disquiet rippled through me, and shakily, I stood. “Okay, thank you.”

“No problem.” Cici stepped inside and retrieved the book. Her words were magnified when she sat in my chair in front of the kids and opened to the page I’d marked. “Oh, this is my favorite story ever,” she said, winking at me as if to say
I’ve got this
.

She was one of the aides, her job one of the busiest in the school. She ran around doing everything from designing and printing parent flyers for the week to rushing toddlers who were about to wet their pants to the restroom.

I slipped out. My sandals echoed on the hard linoleum tiles as I plodded down the silent hall, everyone shut in their classrooms for afternoon activities. I clicked through the heavy door that led out into the front office, trying to quell the haunted feeling that slipped along the floor behind me. It followed me everywhere I went.

Since Saturday night, I’d barely slept. Exhaustion made my limbs feel heavy and weak, and my mind felt clouded by a constant fog.

It was really difficult finding sleep beside Ben after what’d happened with Christopher. Instead I lay there and listened to the deep, even breaths of his slumber, swimming in guilt while he rested completely at peace. Christopher had set off a bomb in the quiet sanctuary of my life that had left my world in shambles.

It blew through me constantly. His words. The accusation behind them.

That kiss.
 

God, that kiss.

Every time I closed my eyes, memories of it tore through me like a tempest, a savage, destructive force, fighting to eradicate every kiss Ben had ever given me.

Every inch of me burned.

It felt as if I were being incinerated from the inside out. All that hatred that had bled from him only scorched me deeper, winding me up in fear and trepidation and the sense that nothing was going to be the same.

Christopher Moore had always been trouble.

Now I knew he was dangerous.

I edged into the center of the office. Martin, our IT guy, rocked back in the office chair. He didn’t turn to look at me, just continued to tap away at the keyboard. “Looks like someone’s getting lucky tonight,” he said, the tease seated deep in his words. “Why do some guys insist on making the rest of us look bad?”

My gaze landed on the bouquet that sat on the high reception counter just inside the door of the main office. Dread knotted up my insides, because I instinctively knew two things.

Those flowers had been delivered for me.

And they weren’t from Ben.

Ben would have sent me a billowing floral arrangement, pink roses with garnishes and twists of white satin ribbon.

But this… this was as foreboding as the chaotic expression Christopher had worn on his face when he’d chased me down in his truck this last weekend. The bouquet was held in a tall, slender, cylindrical clear glass vase. Black calla lilies extended from the top in a regal arc, and at the center was a large white lily protruding above them all, as if the light were stretching up to keep all the darkness out. The stems were wrapped with a red silk ribbon, twisted in the simplest bow, though it somehow seemed the center of the arrangement.

It was simple. Graceful and mournful.

It felt like sorrow and hope.

Unease prickled the hairs at the base of my neck. His words tumbled through my consciousness
. You’re dead to me
…
I want to
fuck you until you know who you belong to
…
It’s time you admitted who broke who.

I sucked in an addled breath.

Everything he’d thrown at me four nights ago had been at odds with the other, his need and apparent hate, and I had no idea what to believe. Somehow this arrangement seemed to signify them both.

“What? Are you going to stand there and stare at it all day or see what your man has to say?” Martin asked when he looked at me over his shoulder, perplexed.

Our head secretary, Lila, came bounding into the office. “Oh good… you’re here. I just about died when I saw the deliveryman come through the door. Of course I went and hoped that my husband might have remembered our anniversary is this week. Should have known better. Seventeen years and he hasn’t remembered once.” She plopped into her chair and pushed her glasses up her nose. “I signed for them and promised I’d get them to you. Hope that’s okay, honey.”

“It’s fine,” I whispered.

She waved toward them. “Ben must really love you. Special occasion?” she asked.

“No.” My voice sounded raspy. That haunted feeling that had trailed me for days slithered up my legs, wrapping me in tendrils of fear.

And that was the truth. I was scared. Scared of the control Christopher Moore held over me.

I mean, God, I’d basically allowed him to assault me against his truck. I’d been close to begging for it. It’d taken everything I had to push him away.

My stomach clenched, and I forced myself to walk around to the front of the counter. There was a large envelope tacked to the side of the arrangement, and my name was scrawled across the front in a strong script. My pulse stuttered when I recognized the handwriting, and I was rushed with a swell of light-headedness.

Christopher had personally written what was inside.

“You okay?” Lila looked up at me. “You don’t look so good.”

I ran shaky fingers over my sweaty forehead. “I’m actually not feeling that well. I probably got too hot out at recess with the kids. I think I’m just going to…” Awkwardly, I gestured behind me, trailing off when I realized I was a blabbering mess. Without another word, I took the bouquet, clutched it against my chest, and escaped back into the hall. I slipped into an empty classroom.

My knees were weak and I sank into a chair. Tremors rocked through me, and I fumbled with the envelope and pulled out the card.

It was blank on the front, and I almost anticipated the inside to be as well. But no. The note was made up of letters etched heavily into the page, the pen crushing through the fibers of the stock.

At the bottom, I could feel the change, could picture Christopher’s face as some of the intensity faded.

I pressed the unsigned card to my chest. This is what I’d gone in search of. Forgiveness. To find a way to set free the pain of our pasts. But somehow Christopher’s anguish only made me hurt more.

But was it real?

Or another game?

The most unsettling part was I wasn’t sure how much he was asking me to forgive him for.

A horn bleeped from the street. I grabbed my purse and slung it over my shoulder. I was quick to lock the door behind me, and I rushed down the walkway toward the dark blue car waiting at the curb.

I ran around to the passenger side. An eager sigh gushed from my lungs when I plopped down into the seat and slammed the door. With a smile, I glanced over to find Aly grinning at me from behind the wheel. “Woohoo! Are you ready to party?”

I laughed. “Yep.”

Ben was away for a week on a business trip, and we were going out.

Aly put her car in gear and flipped it around, and I turned to look in the seat right behind me. “Hey, Ella, sweetness. How are you today?”

Even though her car seat was facing away, I could see her little hands flail, and a coo erupted from her with the mention of her name. My heart pressed at my ribs, and I maneuvered to take her hand.

I’d fallen hard for this little girl. But really she was impossible not to love.

Aly glanced in the rearview mirror. “I can’t believe I’m leaving her tonight.”

“Are you worried?” I asked.

“Do I think something bad will happen to her?” Aly shook her head. “No.” Then she lifted her shoulders in a helpless shrug. “But it feels wrong being away from her.”

A soft smile edged my mouth, as I felt a little more awe at my friend. She was the kind of mom I hoped to be one day. “You and Jared deserve a night out, though, Aly. You both put her before everything, and it’s okay for you to take care of yourselves sometimes, too.”

She returned my smile. “I know… it’s just hard leaving her for the first time. I haven’t been away from her for more than an hour since she was born.”

“I’m sure your mom is more than thrilled she’s finally getting grammy time.” I pouted at her. “You’re kind of a hog, you know.”

Aly laughed. “I know, I know. I can’t help it.”

Ella was already three and a half months old. Every time I saw her she seemed to be more vocal, more interactive. She was growing so fast.

I let my gaze travel out the window.

Three weeks had passed since I’d received the flowers from Christopher. And in that time, we’d become… friends.

Internally, I scoffed, knowing that was a coward’s label. I knew friends didn’t swim through stifling tension, continually aware of each other, dancing around a blatant attraction that we both were trying desperately not to acknowledge.

After receiving the flowers, I made the choice to really make Aly and her family a part of my life. I knew that meant welcoming in Christopher as well, just like I had before, but everything about it felt different now.

The first time I’d seen him after receiving the flowers was just in passing when I was leaving Aly’s house. Our eyes had met tentatively, cautiously, as if he were searching mine for the response to his letter. I’d given him the softest smile, fueled by my own confusion. But the lump wedged in my throat came from the affection I still felt for him.

Since then, we’d kept it light, casual
hellos
and
how are yous
that fell very, very short of what needed to be said. We treaded lightly, because we both knew someday things would come to a head and we would have to lay it all out.

Truthfully, I wanted to get to the point where I trusted him enough to believe what he might have to say. I’d already accepted his flowers and letter as an apology for the way he’d treated me when we first saw each other, an apology for his brutal words and that ruthless kiss. More than anything, I wanted to finally forgive him for the past.

The more time I spent with Christopher and his family, the more distant I grew from Ben. At first I thought he’d started to change, but I guess I was coming to realize it was me who was changing. I was beginning to see things in a different light, and that light shined on the fact that he wasn’t so much protective as he was arrogant and controlling.

It’d never been so apparent as when I’d ventured to mention Aly’s name again, telling him I was meeting her for lunch. He’d exploded. Livid, he’d thrown his glass, smashing it against the kitchen wall, pointing a finger at my face as he warned me “one last time” to stay away from her.

Shock had frozen me, my mouth gaping and my eyes wide. Immediately he’d recanted, hugged me, and promised he was only protecting me, but that attack had set alarm bells off in me. Yes, I cared about him. Deeply. I hated the idea of my life without him in it. But more and more I’d been questioning whether he was really good for me.

Aly pulled into the apartment complex where Megan lived. She was waiting for us at the curb. “What’s up, bitches?” she said as she leaned forward and kissed Aly on the cheek, squeezed my shoulder, and then peppered loud kisses all over Ella’s face.

Megan and I had become good friends, our relationship easy and fun and a welcome relief from all the heaviness that seemed to follow me through my life. She was constantly texting me goofy stuff as if she knew I needed a reprieve from the stress of the day.

“Ugh… just so glad the weekend is finally here,” I said. “I think the sun has fried all the kids’ brains. They were completely out of control this week.”

Megan released a sympathetic groan. “I can’t imagine handling a classroom full of five-year-olds. I don’t envy you one bit.”

Lightly I laughed. “Eh. It’s really not so bad. But believe me, they run me ragged by the time I leave at the end of the week.”

Megan tugged at a lock of Aly’s hair. “What about you, momma? Good day?”

“Always.” Then Aly shot her a glare through the mirror, the corner of her mouth twitching with playfulness. “And for the record, if my daughter’s first word is
bitch
, I’m holding you personally responsible. That means free babysitting for the rest of your life.”

“Ha…” Megan buckled in, grinning. “Have you listened to your husband talk or are you so busy staring at his body that you can’t hear a word he says? That man has the filthiest mouth I’ve ever heard. And like I’d ever charge you to watch my baby girl… huh, Ella,” she crooned toward her.

A giggle hitched in Aly’s throat. “Oh goodness… don’t I know it. He’s working on it, though. I’m supposed to hold back all his favorite things when he slips in front of Ella, and believe me, he really doesn’t want to go without them.” She waggled her brows suggestively.

I clapped my hand over my mouth, trying to stuff the laughter back inside, but it just broke free, right along with Megan’s.

“Right,” Megan drew out. “I’m pretty sure that setup is one destined for failure. Neither of you can keep your hands off each other.”

Aly blushed red, guilty, then went for the most aloof tone she could muster. “What? He’s hot. If you had a husband that looked like mine, you wouldn’t be able to keep your hands to yourself, either.”

I could hear Megan’s eye roll from the backseat. “Um… if I had a husband that looked like yours, I’d never leave the house… and neither would he. He would be chained to my bed.”

Crickets.

Yep.

Total silence as all our eyes darted back and forth from one to another. Then we all busted up.

“Eww, Megan! Don’t be making googly eyes at my man. That’s just wrong and gross and I will kill you,” Aly warned, pointing at her through the rearview mirror, trying to contain her laughter. “Speaking of, Jared wants me to swing by the job site really quick so he can tell Ella good-bye before I drop her at my mom’s. Then we can hit the mall and go get ready, while Jared runs home to grab a shower before we head out.”

Since it was their first night out, Aly wanted to start it with a fast shopping trip, something she hadn’t been able to do since before she had Ella.

My stomach did a flip-flop in anticipation of tonight. This would be the first time I saw Christopher outside the safety of Aly’s house. Yes, all of us were going out. Which meant I was
going out
with Christopher. Which also meant I was anxious and worried and much too excited. I’d chewed all my nails off, and I was suddenly all too thankful that Aly’d asked us to go shopping with her. I was in desperate need of some retail therapy. Therapy that promised I’d look my best.

Sick?

Yes. Yes. Very sick.

But I didn’t care.

Aly programmed the address into her phone navigation and made a couple of quick turns into the neighborhood where Jared was heading up a complete remodel.

My stomach bottomed out when I saw Christopher’s truck parked at the curb.

Aly slanted me an uncertain glance before she parked behind it.

Jared and a couple of his guys were in the front yard, unloading a piece of granite from the back of a work truck. The lot of them had shed their shirts in the overwhelming heat, and sweat glistened from the contours of their hard bodies.

“Good Lord,” Megan mumbled, “I think I need to change professions.” She poked her head up close to Aly’s shoulder. “Ask Jared if he’s hiring.”

Out the windshield, Aly gawked, unable to tear her eyes from her husband, who caught her staring. He smirked at her, shouted out some orders to his workers, and began to make his way over. Aly opened her door and climbed out to meet him.

Figuring I didn’t need to witness their reunion, I averted my gaze toward the house. What I saw there sent me into a state of panic, my breath jumping out of my lungs.

Oh. My. God.

Christopher sauntered out the front door, raking a hand through his unruly hair. My mouth went dry.

Like the rest, he was shirtless. It’d been a lot of years since I’d seen him without one, and a whole lot had changed.

Swirls of color were inked in intricate patterns across his chest. The distance was too great for me to make out the design, but close enough to have my fingers twitching, wanting to trace the ink, to discover what the patterns meant. The tattoos rolled up and over his collarbones and slipped down over his shoulders, covering the entirety of one arm and a quarter of the other. Muscle rippled and bunched under rays of sunlight that streamed in to kiss his dark, tanned skin.

He was all sweaty and dirty and the sexiest thing I’d ever seen.

Fingers were suddenly under my chin, nudging my mouth closed.

Ruffled, I smacked at Megan’s hand. “Stop it,” I hissed, glaring at her in the backseat, and she laughed, her eyes twinkling.

“What? I’m just trying to help a girl out.”

“I don’t need any help.”

Lured, my gaze drifted back to Christopher, who’d noticed Aly’s arrival. The brightest smile lifted his face. Those places he’d singed with his kiss smoldered.

Which was pretty much every inch of me.

God. What was happening to me?

Megan chuckled. “Nope, doesn’t look like you need any help at all.”

When Jared released Aly, Christopher pulled her in for a big hug, then the three of them headed over to Ella’s side of the car. On instinct, I rolled down my window, catching Christopher’s eye. For a flash, surprise flitted across his face, before a slow satisfaction took it over.

“Hey there, Sam,” Jared said as he passed, yanking open the door behind me.

I twisted and grinned back at him. “Hi, Jared. You look…
hot
,” I teased.

Jared winked. “You think so, huh?”

Aly rolled her eyes at me. “Not you, too.”

“Oh come on, baby,” he said, a ribbing grin slanted in her direction. “I’m sweating like a fucking dog. Sam’s just worried I might die out here.”

I liked Jared. He’d been a decent guy back in high school, even though he’d been pretty cocky, but he’d always had a good heart. Now he had a depth to him that hadn’t been there before. But he was still playful. Fun. And he loved my friend perfectly.

Christopher tipped his head in a cordial tease. “Samantha.” It sounded like silk.

I wanted to kick myself when a small giggle rolled out, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, because it seemed almost like he was trying to one-up Jared by using my full name.

He’d always insisted on it, and damn it, how I liked hearing it roll from his tongue.

Jared unbuckled Ella, his voice soft as he murmured to his daughter, while Christopher and I were locked in some kind of wistful stare.

Christopher shook himself off, tore his gaze away, and said, “My turn.” Gently he took Ella from Jared’s arms. He lifted her face up to his. Her tiny body curled up, and the sweetest smile pulled at her precious mouth. Christopher nuzzled her, whispering words and adorning her with tender kisses.

Again, my heart did that crazy, erratic thing. Except this time it somehow felt soothed. There was no tearing my eyes from the man who for so many years I’d believed to be callous and cold, because there was nothing but love and warmth flowing from him as he adored his niece.

“That bad, huh?” Megan said, her voice completely void of the tease from a moment ago, quiet enough that no one else could hear.

I choked on her assessment. “Yeah,” I admitted. I guess it really was that bad.

Four hours later, we had safely delivered Ella to her grandma, who was ecstatic to have her for the night, and spent way more money than we should have shopping, and now we were back at Aly’s house getting ready. We’d opened up a bottle of wine, and music was blasting as we danced around Aly’s bedroom, trying on all the different clothes we’d bought.

Megan insisted on doing my hair and makeup, telling me two girls weren’t truly friends until they’d done each other’s hair.

Okay.
 

I just laughed and played along, downing my second glass of wine.

Energy swirled through the room, the promise of a good time. How much had I needed this? Needed them?

I glanced at Aly, who stood in front of the mirror, trying on her tenth pair of heels, searching for the perfect ones to go with her new jeans. She and Megan were belting out a song, singing back and forth to each other like they’d done it a million times, Aly shaking her butt while Megan danced around behind me.

“Karaoke queens!” Megan yelled when the song ended with a fist pump in the air.

“Hell yeah!” Aly shouted back, grinning wide.

Megan caught my eye in the bathroom mirror, smiling and giving me a gentle squeeze on my shoulder. “There,” she said, “all finished.”