Come to Me Recklessly (32 page)

Christopher stilled and pulled his head back an inch. Confusion clouded his expression. “Who?”

“Jasmine.” God, it hurt just to say her name. And I knew how much more it was going to hurt to hear him say it. But we had to get it out in the open. Confront that past, or, just like I’d told him that morning, I could never fully move on.

Her name seemed to jar him, striking him like a physical blow. He jerked back, his hands moving to the outsides of my thighs. “No.
Never,
” he swore. “Damn it, Samantha, I’d
never
touch that bitch. Not ever.”

But his voice cracked, and the admission of deceit passed so vividly across his face. Those green eyes flashed with some kind of morbid dishonesty, something terrible hidden there that he didn’t want me to see.

My eyes slammed closed to shield myself from it, and the pain inside became physical, so heavy I was sure it would crush me. I struggled to wring myself out of his powerful hold.

He held on tighter. “Samantha… baby, look at me.”

Violently, I shook my head, refusing his call. With another smothered sob, I pushed against his chest, and he finally yielded, allowing me to slide down his body and onto my feet. But they were weak, just as weak as my knees and my heart, and I swayed with a rush of dizziness. I bent over at the middle, trying to hold the pieces together before I crumbled at his feet.

“Samantha,” he whispered, his voice urgent and raw.

Nausea swirled through my stomach, and I bent down to gather my shorts and underwear from the ground. Humiliation burned up my insides, lashes of unbearable shame that licked at my skin when I fumbled and tried to pull them up my wobbly legs.

God, I must look pathetic.

I kept my face downturned, unable to look at the man I’d chosen to trust.

Foolish, foolish girl.
 

I should have known. I should have known.

When I heard him zipping up his pants, I winced, mortified by the fact that I’d just let him come undone inside me when I really didn’t know him at all.

I gulped over the reality.

Because I did.

All along, I’d known him. When I’d first seen Aly, every self-preserving bone in my body had screamed at me to run. To stay away. To protect myself from the one who had the power to destroy me.

The one who had gladly watched me burn to ashes.

That malicious boy who’d just grown into an evil man.

“Fuck, Samantha, would you look at me?”

Finally I lifted my chin, meeting his gaze that jumped all over my face, but somehow didn’t want to meet my eye. I choked over the disbelieving laughter that bubbled up. The sound was wet with regret and shame and all the hurt he continued to pile on me.

“What do you want me to see, Christopher? Do you want me to see the lies written all over your face? Or is it that you really just want to see the pain written on mine?”

“What the hell are you talking about? Of course I don’t want to see you in pain.”

“You know, Ben tried to stop me from going in the room that night. After I heard about what happened to Jared… I…” I couldn’t hold any of this in any longer, even knowing it made me more vulnerable than I already was to tell him everything. “I was
heartbroken
for you, Christopher, heartbroken for Jared, and I thought I understood what happened the night that you came to my window. I went looking for you. I had some stupid fantasy that we’d run away together.”

Christopher took a step back, his face warping with confusion.

That old anguish shook my head. “I was stupid enough to think you needed me. I believed you were just desperate and never intended on hurting me. But you had every intention of it, didn’t you? You just stared right at me while you fucked that slut who
hated
me. Did you like it? Seeing me humiliated and broken? Do you like it now?”

All the color drained from his face. It only accentuated the lies he’d tried to hide. I watched the bob of his throat as he swallowed down my words, and his hands went to his hair. “No, Samantha…
never
… I
never
meant to hurt you. That was… I was out of my mind.
You
broke up with
me
. That night I gave up and gave in.”

He ran his palm over his forehead, his attention toward the floor. “Shit.” He looked back at me. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know you were there, and I swear I never did it to hurt you. I couldn’t see straight… couldn’t feel anything but the misery that was eating me alive. Fuck, baby, I didn’t know you were there. Please… you can’t believe I would do that to you.”

Never.
 

There was that word again.

Never.
 

The lie had slipped from him so easily.

I’d never touch that bitch. Not ever.
 

But he lied.

He lied.

Because he had.

He took a pleading step forward, dipping his head down to try to catch my face. “I’ve never felt worse than after that night. I never touched Jasmine before or after that night. Never. And I most definitely didn’t know you were there. I would never do that to you. I thought I’d lost you.”

Never. Never. Never.

The bile that had been lodged in my throat all day throbbed.

“Liar.” The word oozed from my mouth. “Ben told me everything that night… when he had to pick me up and carry me out of that party. All those months I was missing you, holding on to the belief that we would find some way to work it out, all that time I
prayed
for a way for us to be together, you were with her. Tonight he told me about the rest of them, too. I
know
everything.”

My own disappointment and sorrow wrapped around the words. “And here I was, naive enough to forget all of it if you really loved me now. Because I never stopped loving you, Christopher. Even after knowing you cheated on me all those months, I
never
stopped loving you.”

Never.

There it was again.

But this time it was my truth.

I began to back away, trying to put space between me and what I wanted most, while Christopher seemed rooted to the floor, his expression shifting through a million dark shadows.

At the door, I stopped. “Laugh all you want, because you win. You finally broke me.”

Just a pawn in his sick, twisted game.

I turned the knob. The sound of metal scraping pinged around the room.

“Motherfucker.” Christopher was suddenly there, pulling at my arm. “He lied. He fucking lied, Samantha. He always wanted you. I knew it. I fucking knew it.”

I yanked my arm away. “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to do that anymore. Not ever again. You lied to me… looked me in the eyes just now and swore you had never touched Jasmine. Not ever. How quickly your story changed when you knew you were caught. I’m done with it. I’m done with you.”

“No… fuck, Samantha… would you just listen? You said we needed to talk. Talk to me.”

“How can I talk to you when I can’t believe a single word you say? I asked one thing of you, Christopher.
One thing.
I just wanted you to be honest with me. I was willing to forgive you for everything else.”

I turned and flew out the door.

He was right behind me, fingers trying to touch, words trying to penetrate. I ran faster, pushing farther.

Desperate for space. Desperate for breath.

“There weren’t any more. I swear to you. And I swear it was just once. I lied. Yes, I lied. I’m an idiot, Samantha, but I couldn’t bear for you to know what I’d done. I’ve hated myself for doing it for so long. I’m so sorry. I was just trying to protect you.”

I was sick of men trying to
protect
me.

I clicked the locks to my car, a rash, wild need urging me to get away.

“Samantha, baby, don’t do this. Listen to me. Please, give me a chance.”

I flung the driver’s door open, rushing to get inside. “I already gave you a chance.”

I slammed the door shut, fingers fumbling to lock it. Christopher pounded a flat palm against the window, yelling my name. My hands shook as I tried to get the key in the ignition. I gasped out in relief when I finally found the slot. I turned the engine over, threw it in gear.

And I left Christopher screaming for me in the middle of the street.

I refused to look in the rearview mirror, not that I could see through my tears anyway.

Refused to hear, even though I wanted to listen.

Refused to stop, because I knew the only choice I had was to go.

Loud sobs broke free, and I wept as I was struck with this consuming grief. Frantic, I tried to clear my vision with the back of my hand.

Sad thing? I had nowhere to
go
.

Nowhere I belonged.

Not when every piece of me belonged to him.

I paced the kitchen. My hands were shaking. Shaking. I gripped a handful of hair, trying to shut down the quivers of anxiety that nipped at my already frayed nerves while I listened to the phone ringing on the other end. I really didn’t want to call him. But where else could I turn?

“Hello?”

Relief sprang from my lungs when he answered, words flying off my tongue with a speed to match my hammering heart. “Oh, thank God, Ben, you answered. It’s Samantha. I need your help.”

“Whoa, slow down, sweetheart. What’s going on?”

“Have you seen Christopher? I need to find him.”

Ben’s disappointment traveled through the phone, or maybe it was annoyance, I couldn’t tell. “You know how I feel about him.”

“I know… but I need to find him. I don’t know what else to do. I tried his parents’ house, but no one is picking up there.” I lowered my voice to a plea. “It’s really important, Ben. Please.”

How bad did it suck that I couldn’t give him details? Ben was my friend, but there was no chance I could trust him with this. He would never understand. I just hoped he cared about me enough to help.

“Sam… you’re moving,” he said delicately, as if he were trying to infuse the idea into my mind. Like I hadn’t spent the last four months agonizing over it. “Why don’t you give this up? He’s only going to hurt you, and I can’t stand to see that happen. This is your chance to get over him.”

But Ben was wrong. Somehow I knew I was the one who’d hurt Christopher. I should have recognized it, the sorrow in his eyes and the grief in his touch.

“Please.”

There was a long pause, an even longer sigh, and I could almost see him rubbing his temples in frustration. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t help you, Samantha. I haven’t seen him tonight. I’m sorry.”

My own frustration knotted somewhere in my chest. I sucked it down and forced out a polite response. “’Kay. Thanks anyway.”

I ended the call, tapped the phone against my palm, searching through my brain for any possible numbers I could remember. It didn’t help that my parents had canceled my cell phone. My mom was going to be completely pissed off when she saw all the calls I’d made on her cell.

My friend Lydia had stopped by the house today to tell me good-bye before we left for the new house tomorrow. She’d told me all the rumors swirling around the school about Jared, that she was pretty sure they were true, that Christopher hadn’t been at school in the last two days.

That fearful broken heart Christopher had left me with two nights ago had suddenly transformed, amplified with a need to get to him. To set things right. I desperately dialed what seemed like an endless slew of numbers trying to find him.

Damned the consequences.

I didn’t care anymore.

As far as I was concerned, my parents had lost their right, had lost their say, because what they had done was wrong.

Five minutes later, my mom’s cell rang in my hand.

Ben.
 

Fumbling, I answered it, probably a little too eagerly. “Hello?”

“God, Samantha, I’m going to regret doing this, but I’m at a party… at the same house I saw you at a few months ago? Do you remember?”

Of course I remembered.

That house. That pivotal night.

It had set about a change in direction that had woven Christopher so deeply in my heart, when he’d whispered his love and I’d admitted mine. When we’d confessed and I’d completely succumbed.

“Yes, I remember,” I said, holding my breath.

Ben released his in a huge exhale. “Christopher just walked in the door. He’s asking about you. You better get down here.”

“Oh my gosh, I want to hug you! Thank you so much,” I gushed, excitement bursting from my mouth. “I’ll be right there.”

I tossed my mom’s phone on the counter and scratched out a note.

I don’t know when I’ll be back. Please don’t worry, but I have to do this. I’m sorry.
 

Then I ran. Ran as hard as I could, the rubber soles of my canvas shoes slapping against the concrete. The steady beat echoed out against the deep, dark night. It took me all of ten minutes before I was standing in front of the two-story house tucked far back in a cul-de-sac, away from prying neighbors and passersby.

It was all lit up, lights blazing from the windows, the thump of music vibrating from within. Voices shouted, laughter sang.

And I kinda wanted to sing, too.

He’d never have treated me with disregard. I got it now, felt it deep in my spirit, and the boy I thought I had lost now suddenly seemed closer than he ever had.

I ran up the sidewalk and flung the door open wide. It clattered against the inside wall. I didn’t stop to care that half the people in the room turned to look at me as if I were some kind of deranged person.

Someone who’d lost her grip on reality.

Not when I’d come to reclaim mine.

From the side, Ben grabbed my arm.

“Hey,” I said, and I could feel the force of my smile as I turned toward him, felt it falter just as fast when I caught the sympathetic concern on his face.

Under his breath, he muttered, “I knew this was a bad idea.”

I blinked, fighting the welling of panic that jumped up in me. “What are you talking about?”

Ben shook his head, seemingly talking to himself. “I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt… hoped he’d changed and realized what he had, but I should have known better.”

A shiver of foreboding slithered down my spine. “What are you talking about?” I repeated.

“Let me get you out of here and away from that asshole, Samantha.”

I tore my arm from his grasp. “I’m not going anywhere until I talk to Christopher. Where is he?”

Ben’s attention flicked to the staircase. “I can’t let you go up there.”

I didn’t hear anything other than
up there
, and I was on the move, pounding up the stairs as fast as my feet could take me. Somehow I felt drawn to that room, the place where Christopher had seen me at my lowest low and then elevated me to my highest high.

I had to see him. To make this right.

A sense of dread clamped down on my spirit, and I paused at the door. My hand was shaking when I lifted it to the knob. I turned it, and the door swung open.

And I felt the fissure, the jagged cracks that splintered as my world crumbled from beneath me.

Over the last four months, since they’d caught me sneaking home in the middle of the night, my parents had done their best to pound their beliefs into me. To plant them so deeply in my psyche there was no possibility other than for them to take root. To mold their little girl back into who they’d raised her to be.

I’d rejected it all, steadfast in my own belief, a fortress of protection built up around my consciousness, the impenetrable walls made up of the love I had for Christopher and the devotion he had for me.

But this… this scene before me demolished it.

Every naive conviction was blasted away.

Devastating me.

A silent cry roared from my lacerated heart, this unbearable pain that sliced me in two.

As much as I wanted to run, I was frozen, locked in horror.

Jasmine cut her attention to me. A vicious sneer curled up her mouth, lipstick smeared, her naked body one with Christopher’s. She exaggerated the roll of her hips and looked back down at a man I had no clue could be so cruel and vile. My gaze dropped, both terrified and desperate to see his gorgeous face – the one I’d thought held so much beauty, meant only for me.

His head lolled to the side. Through a rush of tears, I watched a disdainful smile spread, green eyes glued to mine, as if he were delivering a message.

One I heard loud and clear.

Then he turned away and drove his fingers into her too-skinny hips.

My gut twisted inside out, and I clapped my hand over my mouth to keep from puking all over the floor. Somehow I managed to tear myself from the doorway, and I staggered down the hall, my hand pressed to the wall for support. I barely made it to the bathroom, and I dropped to my knees at the toilet, purging all the turmoil that wrecked my body.

But there was no expelling this devastation. No balm or medicine or cure. I felt as if I was on fire, incinerating from the inside out. Those flames Christopher had lit, the ones that had once warmed me, were now burning me alive.

And I wept, wept as I retched and wished that I’d never followed him out my window that first time, wished I hadn’t let him fill me with hope and love and belief when none of those things had ever existed.

Wished I hadn’t been such a fool.

I hated that all the warnings my parents and Ben had given me were right.

“How could he do this to us?” I mumbled through the pain.

“Shh… Samantha, sweetheart.” Ben was on his knees beside me, his hand soothing on my heaving back. “I’m so sorry. So sorry you had to see who Christopher really is. I thought I could spare you. He’s not worth it, Samantha. He’s evil. Evil. He’s been with her for months, and when I saw him earlier, I thought maybe…” He squeezed the back of my neck, massaging, trying to give me comfort when none could be found. “Goddamn it,” he swore, “I just wanted to see you happy. I know you’ve been struggling so much. I shouldn’t have called you. You shouldn’t have come here.”

He pushed back the hair clinging to my sweat-drenched forehead, placed a gentle kiss at my temple. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’ve got you. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

And I felt so light when Ben scooped me into his arms. Weightless. Because I’d been burned to nothing.

Ashes.

I should have known. Should have listened. My parents had pled, warning me of the immorality I was being tempted into, the spiritual death that came with those sins.

And that’s exactly how I felt.

Like a piece of me had died.

Something vital.

Something right.

A piece that would always belong to him.