Coming Around: Parenting Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Kids (5 page)

The sense of touch can convey messages that words cannot. Don’t wait for your child to reach out to you; embrace him or her first. Internalized homophobia or fear that you will respond in a homophobic manner may stop your child from reaching out for physical comfort. Your child may be afraid that you will reject his or her affection. I think it is very important for parents to hug, hold and kiss their children at some point during the coming out discussion. Touch communicates so many things. It reinforces loving words. It demonstrates that you are not disgusted or ashamed and that you don’t see your child as an outcast.

Spend “normal” time together. If you and your child talk on the phone regularly, continue to do so. If you live far away, make an effort to visit. Plan activities that you can do together that you both enjoy. Spending time with your child is a reassurance of your commitment. When a person first comes out, being gay subsumes all other aspects of identity. It can seem as if every action, every moment, is a gay action, a gay moment. Eventually, sexual orientation will become integrated with all other aspects of personality. Until then, it is a swollen and
tender part of the psyche. Taking part in ordinary activities together will remind both of you that, on a day-to-day basis, little has changed.

Do what you can to engender trust and transparency throughout your son’s or daughter’s coming out process. It is important to check in periodically by asking about how things are going with your child’s peers. Be watchful of peer acceptance and rejection. If your child appears depressed or if someone important has responded in a cruel or rejecting way, be alert for signs of self-harm or suicidal thinking. If you believe your son or daughter has suicidal thoughts or if s/he withdraws, begins or increases alcohol or drug use or engages in high risk activities that have the potential to be self-destructive, don’t hesitate to confront him or her. Asking a child about thoughts of self-injury does not put the idea into his or her head nor does it increase the risk of suicide. When in doubt about your child’s safety, seek help from a mental health professional or from your child’s primary care physician.

You don’t have to say the right thing all the time to be a good parent, but you do have to be willing to apologize when you get it wrong and say something hurtful. You also must be able to talk about homosexuality until you and your child have settled on firm ground. Don’t make the mistake of waiting for your child to resume a conversation that was cut short due to a misunderstanding. Don’t let your child distance him or herself from you or s/he might decide that distance is the best way to handle the relationship. Initiate the conversation and keep it going until you get it right.

What does it mean to
get it right
with your gay child? This is discussed in more detail in the next chapter.

I
f every parent of a gay child believed that homosexuality was as natural and unremarkable as heterosexuality, parents would not be troubled by doubt and their children would enjoy their parents’ enthusiastic support. However, some parents, even after reading this book and attending PFLAG meetings, will continue to believe that homosexuality is a sin or is unnatural. This is not ideal, but in some cases it is reality. You don’t want to disappoint your child, but you don’t want to lie about your beliefs either. You want to comfort your son or daughter, but you don’t want to encourage a gay lifestyle.

I think there is another way to help your child feel good about him or herself for those parents who just can’t accept homosexuality. The preservation of the parent-child relationship does not depend upon conforming to each other’s beliefs. Many children adopt political affiliations, spiritual beliefs, childrearing practices, etc., in opposition to their parents. It’s to be expected. Differences like these don’t destroy relationships. People destroy relationships.

A difference of opinion about your child’s sexual orientation is not the same as a difference of opinion about politics. Generally, people aren’t discriminated against due to political affiliation, but your child may be discriminated against due to his or her sexual orientation. There is also the issue of identity. Politically, people usually identify as
Republican or Democrat, but it’s a chosen identity. Regarding sexual orientation, identity takes on a much richer meaning. Your child will think of his or her sexual orientation the way s/he thinks of his or her arms and legs: It’s just a part of him or her.

I think that you can disagree about homosexuality without doing irreparable damage to your son or daughter or to your relationship with your child, but you need to disagree respectfully, humbly and in a restrained manner.

Next, I offer tips about managing differences of opinion with your children. Some are unique to handling differences of opinion about homosexuality. If you take these to heart, I think you can still have a good relationship with your gay child even if you struggle with accepting homosexuality.

       
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Accept your child. Give up any desire to change him or her.

                  
People can’t change because you want them to change, even if they think you’re right and they’re wrong, even if they love you and want desperately to make you happy, even if you threaten them, bribe them, cajole them or manipulate them. Change doesn’t work that way. People can alter their behavior to please, placate or avoid punishment and they can hide or bury parts of themselves for great lengths of time, but that isn’t the same as changing. Pretending to be someone different is painful and consumes a great deal of energy. There is only one reason that people change and that is because they want to change.

                  
People can change, such as the alcoholic who gives up drinking or the criminal who forfeits his old ways for the straight and narrow, but lasting, transformative change occurs under certain conditions: The change must be desired, it must be separate from any external forces and it must be possible. Gays can alter behavior, but they cannot change to whom they are attracted; it is not possible.

                  
My mother says, “You can’t change anyone and it’s cruel to try.” This statement is particularly true when a parent asks a child to stop being gay. The greater the love between two people, the crueler it is to demand change, because though love cannot produce change, it can compel a strong person to suffer beyond measure, to bend until broken. You don’t
have to agree with your child’s sexual or gender orientation to accept him or her. You just have to recognize and respect that you can’t and shouldn’t try to alter this about your child.

       
•  
Don’t give uninvited advice.

                  
An adolescent or young adult needs to arrive at his or her identity without intrusion, especially intrusion from those s/he might feel obligated to please. You don’t own your son or daughter nor are you responsible for his or her choices. For successful maturation, your child needs the freedom to choose his or her own values and find his or her own way.

                  
Successful parent-adult child relationships depend on the ability of parents to transition from teaching and controlling their children to respecting and honoring their choices. This transition should begin early and pick up in adolescence. The best indicator that parents have completed the transition is whether they give advice without being asked or only when solicited.

       
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Take a firm stand against discrimination and hate.

                  
You can disagree about homosexuality, but you can’t support discrimination against gays and still hope to find common ground with your gay child. All forms of discrimination, legal and illegal, have a negative effect on health and well-being. If your gay child discovers, directly or indirectly, that you have colluded in his or her oppression, s/he will be deeply wounded and your relationship will be scarred.

                  
If you are affiliated with people, organizations or movements that make it their mission to single out gays for attack, you will have to make some choices. You will have to rethink your loyalties. For instance, if your preacher is vehemently anti-gay, find another church. If you support a political candidate who has an anti-gay agenda, look for alternative candidates. I suggest you go a step further. Talk to the anti-gay preacher or candidate and tell the person that you have a gay child. Educate the person about discrimination. Let the person know that s/he will lose your support if that person doesn’t allow your son or daughter to live in peace.

                  
If you’re a Republican, I don’t think you have to become a Democrat to maintain a close relationship with your gay child. You should, however, talk with your son or daughter about political issues.

                  
For example, Matthew Shepard, a young gay man, was lured out of a bar in Wyoming by two men claiming they were gay, kidnapped, pistol whipped, tied to a fence and left to die. During hearings about a hate crimes bill named after Shepard, Virginia Foxx, a Republican congresswoman, commented that “The hate crimes bill that’s called the Matthew Shepard bill is named after a very unfortunate incident where a young man was killed in the commitment of a robbery. It wasn’t because he was gay…it’s really a hoax that continues to be used as an excuse for passing these bills.”
¹
In this case, you might say to your gay son or daughter: “I read the other day that a state representative said the slaying of Matthew Shepard was a hoax used to pass hate crime legislation. She’s horribly wrong. I know we don’t see eye to eye on everything, but I hope you know that this sort of behavior by a representative of my party really upsets me. I’m going to write her and my congressmen and let them know how I feel about it.”

                  
Much is accomplished by such a statement: This parent has taken an interest in his or her party’s activities related to the issue of homosexuality, s/he has acknowledged a party member’s error and s/he is making an effort to hold the party accountable to correct the error. That should win your child’s admiration.

                  
I encourage parents who are Republican to look into the Log Cabin Republican organization (
www.logcabin.org
). This group hopes to make the Republican platform gay-friendly. Perhaps there is something in their message that will appeal to you.

       
•  
Get to know your child’s LGBTQ friends and partner.

                  
Disagreeing about homosexuality is a poor excuse for excluding your child’s partner from an event or failing to get to know your child’s LGBTQ friends. Such actions are inhospitable and controlling. Mature relationships require a level of
emotional restraint. People need to be able to tolerate differences, even big ones, between family members.

                  
Tolerance is making room for someone (or someone’s beliefs) when you don’t agree. Tolerance is motivated by humility and recognition that others’ needs and priorities should sometimes supersede your own. It can be motivated by a strong belief in personal freedoms or by general good-heartedness that allows for some level of self-sacrifice to ease another’s burden. A person might tolerate another person’s music on a shared road trip or a guest’s habit of leaving the bed unmade. These small tolerances avoid “making a mountain out of molehill.” It’s a bigger thing to tolerate homosexuality when you don’t agree with it, but it is the least common denominator to maintaining a healthy relationship with you child. I hope that, regardless of your feelings about homosexuality, you see the value in being gracious, tolerant and engaging with LGBTQs, especially those LGBTQs who play important roles in your child’s life.

L
GBs have lower levels of parental attachment and higher levels of parental detachment when compared with heterosexuals.
¹
This finding is disturbing in light of the power and importance of the parent-child relationship, especially to LGBTQs during the coming out process.

LGB children who view their parents as accepting of their sexual identities are less likely to resort to self-destructive behaviors to cope with stress. More specifically, adolescents whose mothers reacted positively to their coming out are 35 percent less likely to use harmful substances compared with those who are not out to their parents or whose mothers or fathers do not react positively.
²
In one study of Latino and Caucasian LGB youths, those who reported high levels of family rejection compared to those who reported low levels of family rejection were 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide, 3.4 times more likely to use illegal drugs and 3.4 times more likely to engage in unprotected sex.
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Another study found that family acceptance served as a buffer against the negative emotional and behavioral effects of bullying and victimization.
⁴

Your reaction to your child’s coming out is undeniably important, but not all parents can muster a “perfect” first reaction. Fortunately, your first reaction doesn’t have to be brilliant. Second, third and
fourth reactions can be just as important as the first. You’ll have time to get it right.

COPING PROCESSES

The best way to avoid overreacting to your child’s sexual orientation is to get in touch with your feelings. With insight, you will be more likely to cope in an effective manner. With that end in mind, let’s discuss what is known about parental adjustment to having a gay child. If you’ve been feeling lost and alone, hopefully you will begin to feel connected to the many other parents who have had similar experiences with their gay children.