Coming Undone (23 page)

“I love her like I love all my friends. I don’t deny she’s special. I don’t even deny that this supposedly casual thing is way more like a relationship than I’d envisioned, and I’ll even give you that I don’t mind that. I like it even. I like her and I like her kid and I like being with her. Okay? Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Erin sent him a challenging look. “You love her like you love Arvin? Really? You’re full of dookie. You know,
you
raised us to be self-aware. What the fuck? You gonna puss out on this? You. Love.

Her. Stop with all this crap about being with her and liking her.

This isn’t seventh grade. You don’t like her, you love her. For Christ’s sake, you eat her up with your eyes every time she walks into a room. You want to take care of her like you take care of me and Adrian. She’s a wonderful person. Frankly, Elise is more than I could have ever wished for you. She’s already part of us in a way not even Raven is. She’s special, and to mess around with all this equivoca-tion and crap is insulting to you both.”

“I didn’t come here to be attacked.”

Adrian flipped him off and Brody rolled his eyes. “
Pffft
. Attacked? You big baby. Big, brawny dude like you and you think us refusing to buy your bullshit is being attacked? C’mere and I’ll sock you in the junk; that’s an attack. You came over here to get a reality check. We’re handing it to you. Of all the people in your life, Erin and I are going to tell you the truth just the same way you’ve done for us.”

“I’m leaving now. I’m going to go home and sleep. You.” He pointed at Erin before stopping to hug her. “Take care of yourself and my niece or nephew.”

“She’s safe,” Ben said, meaning Elise. Brody paused. “We put someone on the house. Just a cruise by every few hours. But I did get a gander at her house a few months ago; it has a decent security system, and unless professionals or ninjas go in to take Rennie, she’s safe. After Ben and I are finished with it, she’ll be safe from ninjas too.”

Brody nodded. “Thanks.”

Ben nodded back. He understood Brody and his fear. Understood what it was to care about someone and want to protect them.

Brody appreciated that.

“You know I love you, Brody. You know I want the best for you.

It’s not a secret that I never thought that person was Raven. But I do think it’s Elise, and I think you’re a fool if you don’t just admit it to yourself.” Adrian hugged him.

“I love you too, dumbass.” He sighed at his siblings, who looked at him with amusement.

19

She’d just hung up from her call with Frank about the papers she’d faxed over, when there was a knock at her door.

“I brought coffee and some Danish Erin had fresh this morning at the café.” Brody walked in and headed for the table. She locked up and wandered back his way.

“Good morning.”

“Rennie get to school okay this morning? She was strung out last night.” He laughed at the memory. Which was easy for him to do.

“Yes. She was fine. Slept like a rock, as usual. Got up, ate a big breakfast, and then my parents showed up and we all walked her.

She thought it was pretty cool to have an entourage.”

“Thanks,” he said when she pushed a plate to him for his Danish.

She sipped her coffee and smiled. “She made it with orange and dark chocolate.”

“She knew what you liked and made it. Erin likes to take care of 192 L A U R E N D A N E

her people.” He paused. “And so do I, so please stop this and tell me what happened. Both before and yesterday too.”

“I don’t want to burden you with this. With all my baggage.”

“Stop it with that. It’s total crap.”

“My feelings are crap?”

“You’re deliberately trying to pick a fight and I’m not going to let you. You’re going to keep your pretty ass right there in that chair and tell me everything right now. How the hell can I fix things if you don’t tell me?”

Elise knew he was trying to help, but damn if he wasn’t pushing her buttons. She could feel it, recognize it, but she couldn’t seem to not be annoyed.

“You can’t fix this. I’m handling it.”

“Handling it? For crap’s sake! Why is telling me so bad? You told Erin.”

“She didn’t demand I fork over my past like a bag of chips.” She stood. “I need to go to work. I have classes.”

“In an hour. You can sit back down and tell me. I’m not leaving until you do. Stop being so pissy and tell me.”

“This he-man thing does not work. In fact, I have to tell you, it just makes me want to refuse for refusal’s sake. I’m trying to be honest here. Back off a minute.”

“Fuck backing off. I backed off for months, waiting for you to tell me. And you haven’t yet. Apparently you don’t trust me enough to tell me.”

“I trust you with everything I am. I let you into my life when I rarely let anyone in. I haven’t dated since, well, in years. And before that, after the divorce, I never brought a single man into my house or her life. Never. I exposed the most personal part of me. I’m glad to know you appreciate it.”

“
Now
you are succeeding in pulling me into this fight you want to pick so badly. You’re not going to do this. You know how highly I think of your kid and of you too. I’m sick of this smoke-and-mirrors crap.” His demeanor softened. “Tell me. I’m imagining far worse.”

She relented. She took a deep breath and began to speak. “I’m a murderer.”

He sat back down, looking curious, but not horrified or shocked, so she continued.

The time fell away as she told him the whole story, from the time she met Ken until she killed him in her apartment. When she finished and looked to him, he saw right to the heart of her and he didn’t flinch.

“You’re not a murderer.”

“I killed him, Brody. And let me tell you, lest you think I’m noble again, I am not sorry. He stood between Rennie and safety and I did what I had to do, and I’d do it again. They know it, his parents; they hate me for it. That’s why they want to take her from me.”

His jaw tightened. “You killed him in self-defense, that’s not murder. If he was around today, I’d kill him too. As for his parents, I gather they were a problem before now as well?”

“They filed endless motions to get custody, to make me stay in New York, to have me drug tested, to have her psychologically evaluated. I used to think they cared about Rennie on some level.

Now, not so much. She’s a possession they don’t want to lose.”

Brody’s face was taut with anger, and she was relieved that he didn’t think she was horrible. He didn’t hate her, he wasn’t re-pulsed. Part of her loosened at the discovery.

“You said your attorney called? What’s going on with this new-est motion?”

“They’re trying to declare me unfit as a significant change in circumstances. They filed in the county where they have a vacation 194 L A U R E N D A N E

home. Frank, my attorney, advised me to get a local lawyer and they’d work to get the case transferred here. He doesn’t think they have a case. Which is easy for other people to say so confidently, since they’re not in any danger of losing their children.”

Brody pushed from the chair and began to pace, and she steeled herself.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. You and Rennie will move in with me until this is all taken care of. I’ll sleep in the guest room in the basement the whole time. We’ll talk to Ben and Todd and get some extra security in addition to the new system they’re going to install. By the way, I spoke to Todd before I got here and he said he was coming over tonight after you got home with Rennie.”

“Whoa. Hold up there, Hoss, I don’t need that.”

“Fuck that noise, Elise. You do so need that. You need help and I’m going to give it to you.” He gestured toward her bedroom.

“Let’s get you packed and we’ll go to the school and tell Rennie it’s like a sleepover.”

How many times had other people taken over and she’d let them?

Ken had controlled her that way; so had Matty, to a certain extent.

She had to make her own choices, especially when it came to Rennie.

“I said no, Brody.”

“And I said this is for your own good. You’re coming home with me and I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Everything inside her burst into flame. The fear of losing Rennie, the anger at having to deal with Ken’s parents, and her fear that Brody wouldn’t care, which warred with her fear that he would take over and she’d lose herself entirely—all swirled until it changed into the rage she seldom gave in to.

“I said
no
! What the heck do you think you’re doing? No.
No.

Nooooo!
I don’t need another father. I have one, and he’s bossy enough as it is. Get out. Go home. Go to work. Just get out.”

“Shorty, I’m not leaving until you and I work out whatever the hell just pushed your buttons.” He stood in the path to the front door, his arms crossed over his chest. It annoyed her that a shiver of pleasure at the way he looked slid up her spine. But it also scared her. She’d had her way blocked like that before, and although she knew he’d never harm her, her guts were as raw as her emotions.

“Get. Out. Of. My. Way.”

Brody had never seen her this way before. Shrill. Angry and freaked the fuck out. Shame washed through him that he’d done anything to scare her. He relaxed his posture and stepped toward her. “Don’t be scared of me. My god, I’d never harm you.”

She fought tears. He heard it in her voice, saw it on her face. She looked so lost and so in pain. He ached to make it right, but what she said next nearly took him to his knees.

“It’s not you. It’s me, and I don’t mean that in a clichéd way. I am fucked up and jagged inside. You don’t need this, or me. Just go back to your life and pretend I’m just a neighbor.”

He shook his head. “I never pegged you for a coward.” She jerked back and he reached out. He’d meant to jar her out of her funk, not hurt her more. “I didn’t . . . Fuck, I’m sorry.”

She stepped around him and moved toward the door. “I’m going to leave now before this turns into a bigger fight.” She grabbed her bag and headed toward the door. “Lock up when you go.”

He called after her, even as she closed the door, but she kept walking. He didn’t follow.

Brody slammed back into the café, softening when he saw his sister and remembered she was pregnant.

He poured the whole story out to her, and she made the appropriate noises and nodded her head.

“You finished?” she asked, taking away his cup. “Now, here’s what I do know and what I’ll tell you. You can’t steamroll her, not over this. She had that before. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

“I know she was abused, but I’m not some junkie loser who raped her. Fuck.”

“Of course you aren’t. If she really thought so, she wouldn’t have let you near that little girl. But some wounds don’t allow for rational thought. Sometimes people do things and the memory is so strong you can’t filter it out.”

“She told me I was pushing her buttons, but I thought she was just trying to push me into a fight. I want to help her.”

“She probably
was
trying to goad you into a fight, but being honest too. It’s hard to know what to take seriously and what to ignore. It’s reading between the lines, but that’s what you do sometimes with people you care about. Mostly, you want her to lean on you so you can fix it.”

He sighed. “Yes. I guess so.”

“Because you love her. You love her and you love that little girl.

She’s not just a woman you’re seeing. She’s not even your girlfriend.

It’s more than that, which is why the two of you clashed just now, because she knows more than most that you’ve taken care of other people for almost your whole life. And because she loves you too, she doesn’t want to be a burden to you. Telling you that story was a whole different level of trust. She’s trusting you to not reject her.”

Scrubbing his hands over his face, he finally admitted it to himself. He did love her and he adored Rennie. He
wanted
to be responsible for them because they were his just like Adrian and Erin were his. Shit.

“She’s just afraid. I know that feeling.” She took Brody’s hand and squeezed. “I really know that feeling, and it’s so dark and lonely there. She’s broken, like I was. I truly believe she loves you, because 

she’s been putting you first. I know you don’t see it that way, but she’s been trying to keep you free from what she sees as her baggage.”

“Fuck. Damn it, why can’t it just have been her being pissy?”

Erin laughed. “I’m sure she can be just plain pissy too. She’s a woman, after all. An artist, and you know how bad we can be.” She winked. “But I think there’s something more here. She’s hurting and scared.”

“So what should I do?”

She tugged his hair right above his ear. “You’re such a good man. Be persistent but not pushy. You could tell her you love her, but whatever, you’re being very pissy on that subject yourself.”

“I didn’t want a commitment. I didn’t want to love anyone else.

I don’t have the room to.”

She grinned. “But?”

“Okay so yes. Okay? Yes, I love her. Fuck. She’ll be in classes all day and I have a full schedule too. Then Todd is coming over tonight, or going to her place, so I can’t be alone with her.”

“Call her. Leave her a voice mail and go to her tomorrow.”

She knew he’d come at some point. He’d called and left her a voice message the evening before, full of kindness and strength. He wasn’t angry with her, he just wanted to help. And would she let him? When she’d hung up, she ended up crying even more. Damn the man for being so sweet, but also so darned pushy.

But she wasn’t really ready for the emotional impact of seeing him there, reflected in the mirror as she stretched at the barre.

“Wow, you’re bendy.” He grinned and her apprehension kicked back a bit. “Do you have time to talk?”

He knew she did. She had a two-hour break between classes on Tuesdays. “Let me lock up.”

She’d hoped to be a bit calmer when she got back, but she wasn’t. Instead she went to where he sat in one of the parents’ waiting room chairs and sat across from him. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch yesterday. I just felt, gah, I don’t know. Defensive.”