Commitments (15 page)

"There are times when all I want in life is to hold him, rock him, sing to him, love him - and other times when I wake up in the morning bone-tired and trembling, and I go into his room half hoping that something will have happened to him during the night.' Her voice had shrunk to a whisper. ''s what I've become.' At that moment, Derek felt even more compassion for her than he'd felt the first day he'd seen her on her terrace in New York. If he'd had any doubts about his capacity for feeling - beyond just sexual feeling - they were gone. Don't say it that way, I he chided. He wrapped his hand around the point above her elbow, gently removing the hand that was kneading the spot ISO

Isively. ''re human. Anyone in your position uld feel the same at times.' ' isn't it awful? I she cried. ' mother wishing her ,,*Nld dead?' He slid his hand up to her neck, fingers finding their under her hair to work at her tension. ' don't vnsh him dead, Sabrina. You wish him perfectly b

"Ithy and normal. But he isn't. So there are times despairing times that always pass --.when you wonder if being dead wouldn't be better than being severely and irreversibly brain damaged."

"It's just that I had such dreams/ she said, and her eyes were filled with them. ' of him laughin& climbing trees in the park, playing baseball. He was going to be a swimmer, too, and an A student. He was 7'.1 oi g on to a top college. He was going to be well liked and happy. He was going to be a leader.' Tears had replaced the dreams. ''s such a waste.' ' know/ he whispered, then leaned closer and, still whispering, said, ''m going to put my arm around you Jor just a minute. If Fat Frank yells, don't move.' He slid along the bench, curved a long, sinewy arm around ",,":,her back and drew her in. She wasn't aware of deliberately moving, but somehow she ended up with her face against his throat and her hand on his chest. Fat Frank didn't yell, and still she didn't move. Derek tightened his hold. He had his face in her hair and was inhaling the jasmine scent that was so faint and alluring. He'd built more erotic dreams around that scent in the last few weeks than he cared to count. Sabrina did the counting - his heartbeats as they echoed against her palm - then wondered whether the heartbeats were his or hers. She knew that her pulse was racing and didn't pause to decide whether it was because of the naturally musky scent of his neck, the 151

chest hair that curled beneath her thumb, or the threat of Fat Frank. Fat Frank didn't yell, and still she didn't move. Derek pressed her infinitesimally closer. He liked the way her breasts felt against him, not obtrusive, just enticing. He liked the slenderness of her thigh beside his. And the gentle sough of her breath by his throat was raising his temperature by multiple degrees. He knew he was playing with fire, but he didn't care. Sabrina floated. If there had been tears in her eyes, they'd dried, and she could barely remember their cause. Derek had taken the weight from her shoulders and was supporting her with ease. Page 53

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

She wanted to thank him, but to use her voice at that moment would have been unthinkable. Fat Frank didn't Yell, and still she didn't move. Derek lowered his head and was about to press a gentle kiss on her forehead when Fat Frank yelled. '!' Derek moaned. He held her iighter, arms trembling slightly before slowly, slowly setting her back.

"Goddamned pig,'he whispered, glowering at the guard. Sabrina's returning whisper was far more vulnerable and immediately brought his attention back to her. '?' Immm?, ' haven't ever told anyone what I jiust told you.' He'd pretty much guessed that by the desperate way she'd pushed the words out, as though if they didn't get an airing and quickly, she'd have suffocated. He wanted to know why she hadn't ever told her husband, bt u It he didn't want to ask. He didn't want to acknowledge that a husband existed. He wanted to pretend that if it hadn't been for Fat Frank Ferrucci, he'd still have Sabrina in his arms. 152 OU can tell me your secrets anytime/ he said kly. ' I'll understand. I know all about broken S-1 Yours aren't broken, just deferred.' ''s a debatable point.' Tell me about them, Derek. What do you dream of?, C'@j.'.'Now? Mrs. Fields' white-chunk macadamia-nut cookies.' In spite of herself, Sabrina smiled. As humor went, it was a little dry, but still it was humor. Derek had never joked with her before. She remembered how stern-faced and angry he'd been during her first visit. Held come far. ', I mean more generally.' He was thinking that her smile, had to be the most Cbeautiful sight in the world, He wished he were a funny man, if only to see it again, but he wasn't; and unfortunately most of his dreams weren't amusing. 11 dream of my release., ' then?' '.' She saw the little look that came and went from his eyes and couldn't resist a tiny shudder. ''s scary." He shrugged, and wasn't about to add anything until he realized that she really was frightened. ' to worry about/ he said, but his voice was shadowed. ''s part of the mentality in here. Drawing up plans for revenge gives you a feeling of power, and power's the name of the game."

"Like Fat Frank's yells?' ' that. I intimidate him and the other guards too, because of who I am and where I've been. So they go out, of their way to put me down. It gives them a semblance of control.' He heard his own words, thought about them for a second, then grunted, Vho 153 am I kidding? They have the control. It just gives them double satisfaction to rub it in in my case.' ' thing you never did an exposi on correctional officers/ she said dryly. ', I did. It was actually a story of the inmate bureaucracy in the state prison system in Indiana, but it did a job on the guards.' A grimacing Sabrina lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ' you think they know about it?

I `1 know they know about it. On the day I arrived here, the warden told me in no uncertain terms that he knew. Other guards have made comments since then. I assume the warden got a copy of either the tape or the transcript and passed it around., ' wasn't particularly ethical."

"No, but then, it makes, my point. Prisons aren't particularly ethical places.' ' there an underworld here, too? /Yes. p ' does it do?"

"Provides goods and services inmates want and can't otherwise get."

"Like drugs?' ' other things., ' other things? I ', you don't want to know.' He narrowed his eyes. ' seems like I've said that to you before. Why do you ask so many questions? If I didn't know better, I'd think you had an obsession with prison life., Ignoring that, she looked him over. ' don't see any new scars. Are you managing to stay out of fights, at least?' ' wasn't in a fight/ he said, scowling.

"I was trying to break one up., ' there fights often?' 154 -',:.T, he scowl faded but didn't completely go away. Yes. I , qbat's disgraceful." i7, 1@.: - ''s inevitable. Prisons are filled with angry men. Page 54

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

;@.Zmeath the anger is violence just waiting to erupt.' J ..And when it does, what does the administration Derek stretched out, extending his legs, bracing his ;'elbows on the back of the bench. His hands were balled. He was looking straight ahead.-In some cases, . measures are taken against the men involved. In other cases, the administration looks the 6ther way.' ' can they do thatv ' reason it's the practical thing to do. If the guy who starts a fight is a powerful figure in the inmate bureaucracy, punishing him could open the door to greater violence. No warden wants a riot on his hands./ Sabrina was sitting sideways on the bench, studying the hard lines of his profile. ' do you fit into that bureaucracy?' ' don't.' ''re not involved at all?, He pushed out his lips and slowly shook his head.

"You're bucking the internal system?, He nodded. ' that be safely done? ''s a price.' ''s that? I Isolation. You make it. through each day on your own and when the days begin to pile up one on top of another, that can be tough. Some guys can't take it. They give in." Sabrina knew that he wasn't talking about physical isolation, but emotional. qt must be difficult., 155 It's what I choose. I keep to myself. I do my time. I get out. That's it.' She thought of stories she'd read of celebrated inmates who had turned around and devoted themselves to improving the lot of the others. ''d have thought you'd be in demand. You're intelligent, welleducated, literate. I'm surprised they haven't got you teaching a course or something.' ' wouldn't have done that even if they'd asked.' ' not?' '/ he murmured angrily, ''m not a dogooder. The way I see it, I shouldn't be in prison at all. I'm here against my will. I'm being robbed of good, constructive time, months and months of my life lost forever, and for that my grudge is against the system of justice. But the correctional department, with its deliberate knee-buckling, is nearly as bad, and I'll be damned if I'll give it one iota of my expertise. In the first place, it would do no good. What in the hell could I teach the guys here that they'd be able to use on the outside? And in the second place/ he said, losing a little of his fire, ''d only set me up for abuse from those who think I'm lording something over them. The lowest possible profile is the only one I want.' Sabrina understood both what he was saying and the bitterness behind it. in an attempt to lighten his mood she picked up his hand, turned it this way and that. ' do they have you doing?" His fingers were long, lean and blunt-tipped. They were masculine without being wom. ' dirt. No calluses. What's your work detail? I

"Laundry.' She was appalled. Okay, she could understand why he didn't teach, but she'd have thought they'd put him in an office doing typing or filing, something vaguely 156 nt. But laundry? Her lip curled up at the t of his handling the dirty laundry of the men Id seen. They couldn't have given him a more ling work assignment. Then again, maybe they have. What did she know of the options? ,",t@,",Derek read her silence with ease. ' get clean clothes ,@ "'Otof the deal.' many hours a day do you work? "Four.' ;)That leaves a few/ she said, reluctantly returning his hand to him. "What else do you do? He flexed his jaw.

"Alark time.' ' that. -Count the holes on the wall in my cell." She ignored his tone, and pressed on. rvilhat's it like, @your cell?, He shot her an annoyed look. ''s like a cell. Come on, Sabrina, what do you want me to do - ten you that ',',,':,!the rug is Persian, the drapes are Roman and the bed is an authentic reproduction of something Henry the Eighth ordered for his sixth mistress? We're talking a cot, a shelf, a locker, a desk and a toilet. If there were labels on any of them, they've long since been scraped Off. @Put up with me, Derek. I'm just curious.' His brows lowered harshly over eyes that were sharp. I don't ask you about your bedroom.' Tell him, Sabrina. Tell him ... ' could ask. It's not very exciting. I'm not much of a decorator myself, so it was done professionally. There are labels on everything. I wish I could Page 55

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

get someone to scrape them off.' Derek wished he hadn't mentioned her bedroom. The thought of her there with her husband was doing nothing good for his mood, which had plummeted 157 when she'd touched him. No, that was wrong. He hadn't minded it when she'd touched him, just when she'd let him go. And that was only a preview. Pretty soon she'd be leaving, going back through the gates, out the door to her car, down the road, onto the highway. He wouldn't see her for the next ... however many weeks until she chose to come again. For all his macho talk about liking isolation, he could feel desolation waiting in the wings. '

are you so goddamned curious about me?' he snapped. @Because you're interesting.' He snorted. ''s a good one. At this point in my life, I am probably one of the least interesting people you could have the misfortune to run across.' She ignored him. ' want to be able to picture where you are and what you're doing. I ' why? What is it with you, Sabrina? You have a husband and a child and a luxurious apartment back in New York. You don't need this.' ''d be surprised/ she said with such quiet force that Derek did a double take. He was sure he'd caught a flare-of desperation in her eyes. ' do you mean? he asked more calmly. Sabrina couldn't think of a thing to say. She couldn't tell him that seeing his torment lessened her own, because it sounded cruel. She couldn't tell him that she trusted him with her deepest darkest secrets because it didn't make sense even to her. She couldn't tell him that she needed his shoulder to cry on, because then she'd have to explain why his was the only shoulder she had. She couldn't tell him that he excited her, that the thought of him was as much of a pickme-up as any new sweater she'd bought, that she felt like a different person when she was with him. And 158 she couldn't get herself to tell him about it's the book, isn't it? Derek asked. ''re still about writing that book. ',@'"!She could have kissed him for coming to her rescue. could have kissed him anyway. ', uh, said Id think about it.,

%Vhy, is it so important to you? If you're looking for good subject matter, I can think of any number of Z ',others thatd be more intriguing. I This one hits me right/ she said, making a con rted effort not to stare at his mouth. That lower lip was sensual even when it was drawn straight, as it was 1-now. ' the nurse I've hired, I thought I might put aside four or five hours a day to work.' ' you've decided against residential placementv ' a little while.' She couldn't explain that one, either. She'd been so sure that institutionalizing Nicky was the only way for her to survive. ' Nick had left, and suddenly she wanted to wait. She wasn't ready to give up her baby. She needed to know that she could hold him and touch him whenever she wanted. In so many respects she was alone; the thought of an empty crib was too much. ''m going to try handling Nicky with extra help. It might work., I Why the change of heart? Are you still getting guff about placing him in a residential center?' Was she getting guff? ', yes."

"From whom?' ' name it. My mother thinks Nicky would do best if -he were with me, which is pretty consistent with the way we were raised. Aside from the time we spent with Dad, she prided herself on being there for us. Of course, her definition of "being there" was a - 159 -purely physical thing. To this day, Mom's mind is more often than not somewhere else.' ' does your dad say about Nicky? ' thinks we fuss too much. He thinks Nicky would do best if we'd all just leave him alone.' Her mouth twitched at the comer. ''s the old