Complete New Tales of Para Handy (62 page)

“ ‘So tell me, what's a best man, and what's he to do?'

“Weel, I gave Jeck a quick run through on the duties and the responsubilities o' best men: he didna like the bit aboot answering the toast to the bridesmaids, said he wassna much for public speaking, but I told him not to worry, by that time in the proceedings efferybody would have had a gless or two and the place would be fine and cheery.

“ ‘The most important thing you have to do, Jeck, is to get the bridegroom to the kirk on time, smertly turned oot, and above aal else — sober. Every bride's mither aye thinks that nobody is good enough for her lass, and if the gyurl's intended turns up late, and looking ass if he had been dragged through a hedge backwards, and reekin' o' spurits, then I promise you that that merriage iss off to the worst of aal possible sterts.'

“ ‘Thanks Peter,' says Jeck, looking at the clock in the public hoose we wass in, ‘I wull remember. On time, smert, sober. You can rely on me!'

“And with a quick shake o' the haund, he was off like a whippet to catch his train.

“It wass some months before I heard what way things had gone for Jeck and his frien' in Oban. The news wassna good and the cheneral feeling wass that neither was the prognostications for the merriage.

“The groom wass a MacNeil from Castlebay, a fine, cheery chap wi' shouthers on him like an ox, by name o' Wullie. He wass in the Navy at the time, and he'd met the bride the previous summer when the fleet wass in Oban, and she wass workin' ass a waitress at a wee temperance hotel at the back o' the toon. The two of them met at the Argyllshire Gaithering in August and by the time Wullie's ship sailed at the end of September, he wass an engaged man. The gyurl — Constance, her name wass, but she answered to Connie — wass a MacRobb from Kilmore.

“Her faimily didna take too kindly to the news that she wass engaged to a sailor — though they'd neffer met him and didna really know mich aboot him — but Connie assured them he wass a true and considerate chentleman, and then she spent the winter saving money and gaithering together aal the bits and pieces for her bottom drawer.

“Wullie couldna get ony leave till the wedding itself, so aal the arrangements had to be left to the MacRobb faimily. They booked the kirk — St Andrews, on the esplanade: and promised a fine reception efter, wi' places for 40 o' Wullie's faimily and frien's from Castlebay.

“On the evening Jeck arrived in Oban Wullie wass all on his own for the Barra fowk wass comin' to Oban overnight on the steamer and wudna get there till the morning. So they had agreed that efferybody would mak' their ain way to the Kirk, and chust meet up there for the service at eleven o'clock.

“Jeck met Wullie at the Crown Hotel, ass arranged, and the two of them exchanged news, aal very quiet and restrained, and had a fish tea in the hotel dining-room.

“ ‘I am seeing you're early to your bed tonight, Wullie,” said Jeck firmly, ‘for it iss my responsubility to deliver you to the Kirk on time and in appropriate trum for the occasion.'

“And the two of them agreed they would have chust a ten minute stroll on the esplanade, and then go to their rooms.

“This wass the point at which things sterted to go seriously wrong for, while they wass at their teas, they hadna noticed that a naval cruiser had come into Oban Bay and when they got to the esplanade, the toon wass chust hotching wi' seamen, and worst of aal, it wass the shup Wullie had been on till chust three months earlier, so aalmost efferyone o' the navy that the two of them encountered on the pavements wass a friend of the groom's — and when they heard that he wass getting merried the next day, they chust wouldna tak' no for an answer in relation to the matter of a gless of somethin' to celebrate.

“I would like to think that Jeck did his best to protect Wullie from himself, but I am chust not sure. It would have been hard enough to protect Wullie from
Jeck
in normal circumstances. And I do not know exactly what happened, for the two main players in the game have no recollection of it, for reasons that wull become obvious, and I canna very well ask the Navy to hold an unquisition into it aal.

“The pair foond themselves press-ganged by aal Wullie's former shupmates, and soon they wass in among a lerge perty of sailors visiting aal the public hooses of Oban wan by wan, and bringing an unfectious air of goodwull and happiness wi' them whereffer they went.

“The following ten hours or so iss a mystery and Jeck's next connection wi' reality cam' at aboot nine o'clock the followin' morning when he woke up, fully clothed, underneath wan o' the airches o' McCaig's Folly above the toon. Efter less than a meenit — he wass aalways very quick makin' a recovery from this sort of situation, he'd had lots o' practice — Jeck remembered where he wass, and why. And realised that there wass no sign of Wullie!

“But chust then, he heard somebody snoring, very loud, and a wee investigation resulted in the discovery of Wullie asleep under the next airchway, and in a terrible state! Jeck realised that
he
probably looked jist as bad, but he hadna a mirror aboot his person. Wullie's clothes was aal damp and stained green wi' the gress he'd slept on, he'd lost his collar and tie, his hair wass a mess and he wass in sair need of a shave. Possibly worst of aal wass that for some reason that Jeck could not fathom or remember, Wullie had a whupper o' a bleck eye.

“Jeck woke him urchently and reminded him whit day it wass.

“ ‘My Cot,' says Wullie, ‘we must get back to the Hotel and get bathed and shaved and changed. It's less than two hours to the wedding!'

“If Jeck had thought things couldna get ony worse, he wass very wrang. When they got to the Hotel, the proprietor wouldna let them in. Apparently they'd rolled up to the hotel aboot two in the mornin', wi' a whole perty o' sailors, demanded drinks aal roond, and threatened his person when he refused. They had only left when the owner sent for the polis.

“ ‘Well at least let us get oor clothes,' Jeck pleaded. ‘The man iss getting merried at eleven o'clock.'

“Heaven help the bride,' said the hotelier, ‘but I'll gi'e ye back yer stuff — wance ye settle the bill.' Jeck and Wullie went through their pockets — but they didna have a penny piece between them.

“ ‘In that case,' said the hotelier, ‘I'm holding onto your luggage till ye pay what's owin'. That's the law, that's what I'm entitled to do, and that's what I'm doing.'

“Jeck pleaded and better pleaded, but the man wouldna budge an inch. The two of them made the best attempt to tidy up they could in the waash-room at the station, then hurried out along the esplanade to the Kirk.

“I dinna ken what the Meenister thought, but he said nothing though he had bad news for Wullie. ‘I didna realise you wass coming over in advance' (Wullie hadna a clue what he meant by that) ‘but the rest of your folk are coming on the overnight boat, aren't they?' he asked and Wullie nodded. ‘Weel, I'm afraid to tell you she had a biler failure and she'll no' be in Oban till two this efternoon. I presume you wull want to put the weddin' off till then?' And when Wullie said no, just to go ahead, the Minister looked puzzled, and said he would have to send word to the bride and her party, but they could be there in under half-an-hour. Wullie didna understand that, neither.

“So it wass twenty minutes past eleven when Wullie and Jeck took their places at the fore-end of the altar, wi' naebody in their side of the Kirk at aal, and naethin' but strangers — the bride's pairty — on the ither.

“The organ struck up
Here comes the Bride
and Jeck and Wullie wass aware of the gyurl and her attendants comin' up the aisle and when they reached alangside and Wullie turned to smile at her he foond himsel' lookin' at a total stranger. ‘Who on earth are
you
?' screamed the bride, and Wullie said he could ask her the same thing. The Meenister near threw a fit and said angrily to Wullie, ‘What sort o' shame are you bringin' to St Antonys wi' a stupid prank like that!' ‘St Antonys' yelped Jeck, ‘I thought this wass St Andrews?'

“ ‘Naw, said the Meenister, furious, ‘St Andrews is a hunner yerds further along the front.
Our
groom is a fine young man from Colonsay and his faimily, but the boat has broke doon, which iss why I couldna think how
this
groom got here at aal.'

“So Jeck and Wullie were an hour late for the real weddin', and by that time the bride wass chust gettin' ready to go hame for she thought she'd been left at the altar. She wass ready enough to tear Wullie to bits, whateffer his condition or excuses, but when she saw the state of him and the best man, and gaithered what had been going on, she near enough
did
go hame.

“Eventually the wedding went ahead. Things didna get ony better efterwards, neither, though by noo Jeck wass past caring and in any case the trouble wass being caused by Wullie's faimily.

“What neither Wullie nor Jeck, nor the faimily, had known wass that the MacRobbs and their kin wass strict teetotallers, very staunch Rechabites to a man, and the reception wass in the Oban Temperance Halls without a refreshment in sight.

“The MacNeils spent their time ignoring the bride's pairty and complaining loudly about the lack of Highland hospitality and how they'd been brought aal the way from Barra under false pretences and I am ashamed to say that some of them went out to the toon for a gless, and brought several bottles back wi' them for the rest o' the company.

“By the time it cam' time for Jeck's speech there wasna mich point makin' it for the maist of the MacRobbs had gone hame and the few that hadna — the younger, bigger men — wass having a donnybrook wi' the MacNeils: and the bride was in hysterics in the ladies' cloakroom.

“So if you effer get depressed thinking aboot your ain wedding, Dougie, then think aboot
that
one. That'll cheer you up!”

F
ACTNOTE

Castle Gardens remains a very pleasant spot from which to watch the passing show, though sadly there are few movements of shipping on the river and Dunoon Pier, onto which the Gardens look directly down, once a crossroads of steamer services both complementary and competing, now offers no spectacle other than that of the arrival and departure of the regular CalMac boat from Gourock.

The Glasgow to Oban Railway, in the days when Hurricane Jack made the journey, would have taken him to the west coast port by way of Stirling, Callander and Killin Junction on one of the most scenic railway journeys in Europe.

By 1965, despite some half-hearted attempts by BR to attract additional patronage by putting observation cars — some with a conductor/guide — on the peak summer services, it was obvious that the Beeching Axe would include this beautiful but tortuous route. The Dunblane to Crianlarich section was closed, the track uprooted, and trains for Oban henceforth left from Glasgow Queen Street and travelled up Loch Long and Loch Lomond on the much shorter former LNER line to Crianlarich and on to Oban.

T
HE
W
EDDING
P
ARTY
— In my factual companion to Para Handy's world
In the Wake of the Vital Spark
I used as one of the illustrations a photograph of a different Campbeltown wedding and was thrilled and quite fascinated to receive a letter from a lady who could identify most of the ‘sitters' as her own forebears. Can anyone help out in the same way with
this
splendid period piece?

McCaig's Tower, to give it its proper name, is an incongruous but very distinctive feature of the town's sky-line overlooking the bay and the Sound of Mull, and offering from its elevated position fine views of what are perhaps the most dramatic sunsets in the West.

A replica, albeit on a reduced scale, of the Colosseum in Rome, work started on it in 1897, and the stated intention of the excercise was that of providing work for the unemployed labourers of the district. This was the first but it certainly has not been the last of purported ‘job creation schemes' which have been a feature of the Highland economy on many occasions since.

The big difference here, however, was that the funds for this project came, not from the public purse, but from a retired Oban businessman, one John McCaig, who was himself a shareholder in the Oban and Callander Railway Company — and the owner of the town's North Pier. The project was never carried through, work ceasing in 1898, and since rumour has it that had it been finished it was intended as some sort of monument and mausoleum for the McCaig family, it is probably just as well.

The Argyllshire Gathering, held every August, hosts some of the top Solo Piping competitions and is very much a key date in the social calendar for the great and good of that part of Argyll, whose Duke is its hereditary Chieftain.

53

The Appliance of Science

W
ith almost every year bringing some further, dramatic advance in the range of navigational and mechanical instrumentation and infrastructure (and domestic comfort) available to mariners the world over I have always been forcefully struck by the apparent failure of even the most basic improvements to the sailors' lot to come (or be brought) to the attention of Captain and crew of the
Vital Spark
.