Complete Plays, The (148 page)

Of nothing so much as that I am not like Timon.

Timon

Whither art going?

Apemantus

To knock out an honest Athenian’s brains.

Timon

That’s a deed thou’lt die for.

Apemantus

Right, if doing nothing be death by the law.

Timon

How likest thou this picture, Apemantus?

Apemantus

The best, for the innocence.

Timon

Wrought he not well that painted it?

Apemantus

He wrought better that made the painter; and yet he’s but a filthy piece of work.

Painter

You’re a dog.

Apemantus

Thy mother’s of my generation: what’s she, if I be a dog?

Timon

Wilt dine with me, Apemantus?

Apemantus

No; I eat not lords.

Timon

An thou shouldst, thou ’ldst anger ladies.

Apemantus

O, they eat lords; so they come by great bellies.

Timon

That’s a lascivious apprehension.

Apemantus

So thou apprehendest it: take it for thy labour.

Timon

How dost thou like this jewel, Apemantus?

Apemantus

Not so well as plain-dealing, which will not cost a man a doit.

Timon

What dost thou think ’tis worth?

Apemantus

Not worth my thinking. How now, poet!

Poet

How now, philosopher!

Apemantus

Thou liest.

Poet

Art not one?

Apemantus

Yes.

Poet

Then I lie not.

Apemantus

Art not a poet?

Poet

Yes.

Apemantus

Then thou liest: look in thy last work, where thou hast feigned him a worthy fellow.

Poet

That’s not feigned; he is so.

Apemantus

Yes, he is worthy of thee, and to pay thee for thy labour: he that loves to be flattered is worthy o’ the flatterer. Heavens, that I were a lord!

Timon

What wouldst do then, Apemantus?

Apemantus

E’en as Apemantus does now; hate a lord with my heart.

Timon

What, thyself?

Apemantus

Ay.

Timon

Wherefore?

Apemantus

That I had no angry wit to be a lord.
Art not thou a merchant?

Merchant

Ay, Apemantus.

Apemantus

Traffic confound thee, if the gods will not!

Merchant

If traffic do it, the gods do it.

Apemantus

Traffic’s thy god; and thy god confound thee!

Trumpet sounds. Enter a Messenger

Timon

What trumpet’s that?

Messenger

’Tis Alcibiades, and some twenty horse,
All of companionship.

Timon

Pray, entertain them; give them guide to us.

Exeunt some Attendants

You must needs dine with me: go not you hence
Till I have thank’d you: when dinner’s done,
Show me this piece. I am joyful of your sights.

Enter Alcibiades, with the rest

Most welcome, sir!

Apemantus

 
So, so, there!
Aches contract and starve your supple joints!
That there should be small love ’mongst these sweet knaves,
And all this courtesy! The strain of man’s bred out
Into baboon and monkey.

Alcibiades

Sir, you have saved my longing, and I feed
Most hungerly on your sight.

Timon

Right welcome, sir!
Ere we depart, we’ll share a bounteous time
In different pleasures. Pray you, let us in.

Exeunt all except Apemantus

Enter two Lords

First Lord

What time o’ day is’t, Apemantus?

Apemantus

Time to be honest.

First Lord

That time serves still.

Apemantus

The more accursed thou, that still omitt’st it.

Second Lord

Thou art going to Lord Timon’s feast?

Apemantus

Ay, to see meat fill knaves and wine heat fools.

Second Lord

Fare thee well, fare thee well.

Apemantus

Thou art a fool to bid me farewell twice.

Second Lord

Why, Apemantus?

Apemantus

Shouldst have kept one to thyself, for I mean to give thee none.

First Lord

Hang thyself!

Apemantus

No, I will do nothing at thy bidding: make thy requests to thy friend.

Second Lord

Away, unpeaceable dog, or I’ll spurn thee hence!

Apemantus

I will fly, like a dog, the heels o’ the ass.

Exit

First Lord

He’s opposite to humanity. Come, shall we in,
And taste Lord Timon’s bounty? he outgoes
The very heart of kindness.

Second Lord

He pours it out; Plutus, the god of gold,
Is but his steward: no meed, but he repays
Sevenfold above itself; no gift to him,
But breeds the giver a return exceeding
All use of quittance.

First Lord

The noblest mind he carries
That ever govern’d man.

Second Lord

Long may he live in fortunes! Shall we in?

First Lord

I’ll keep you company.

Exeunt

S
CENE
II. A
BANQUETING
-
ROOM
IN
T
IMON
’
S
HOUSE
.

Hautboys playing loud music. A great banquet served in; Flavius and others attending; then enter Timon, Alcibiades, Lords, Senators, and Ventidius. Then comes, dropping, after all, Apemantus, discontentedly, like himself

Ventidius

Most honour’d Timon,
It hath pleased the gods to remember my father’s age,
And call him to long peace.
He is gone happy, and has left me rich:
Then, as in grateful virtue I am bound
To your free heart, I do return those talents,
Doubled with thanks and service, from whose help
I derived liberty.

Timon

 
O, by no means,
Honest Ventidius; you mistake my love:
I gave it freely ever; and there’s none
Can truly say he gives, if he receives:
If our betters play at that game, we must not dare
To imitate them; faults that are rich are fair.

Ventidius

A noble spirit!

Timon

 
Nay, my lords,

They all stand ceremoniously looking on Timon

Ceremony was but devised at first
To set a gloss on faint deeds, hollow welcomes,
Recanting goodness, sorry ere ’tis shown;
But where there is true friendship, there needs none.
Pray, sit; more welcome are ye to my fortunes
Than my fortunes to me.

They sit

First Lord

My lord, we always have confess’d it.

Apemantus

Ho, ho, confess’d it! hang’d it, have you not?

Timon

O, Apemantus, you are welcome.

Apemantus

No;
You shall not make me welcome:
I come to have thee thrust me out of doors.

Timon

Fie, thou’rt a churl; ye’ve got a humour there
Does not become a man: ’tis much to blame.
They say, my lords, ‘ira furor brevis est;’ but yond man is ever angry. Go, let him have a table by himself, for he does neither affect company, nor is he fit for’t, indeed.

Apemantus

Let me stay at thine apperil, Timon: I come to observe; I give thee warning on’t.

Timon

I take no heed of thee; thou’rt an Athenian, therefore welcome: I myself would have no power; prithee, let my meat make thee silent.

Apemantus

I scorn thy meat; ’twould choke me, for I should ne’er flatter thee. O you gods, what a number of men eat Timon, and he sees ’em not! It grieves me to see so many dip their meat in one man’s blood; and all the madness is, he cheers them up too.
I wonder men dare trust themselves with men:
Methinks they should invite them without knives;
Good for their meat, and safer for their lives.
There’s much example for’t; the fellow that sits next him now, parts bread with him, pledges the breath of him in a divided draught, is the readiest man to kill him: ’t has been proved. If I were a huge man, I should fear to drink at meals;
Lest they should spy my windpipe’s dangerous notes:
Great men should drink with harness on their throats.

Timon

My lord, in heart; and let the health go round.

Second Lord

Let it flow this way, my good lord.

Apemantus

Flow this way! A brave fellow! he keeps his tides well. Those healths will make thee and thy state look ill, Timon. Here’s that which is too weak to be a sinner, honest water, which ne’er left man i’ the mire:
This and my food are equals; there’s no odds:
Feasts are too proud to give thanks to the gods.
Apemantus’ grace.
Immortal gods, I crave no pelf;
I pray for no man but myself:
Grant I may never prove so fond,
To trust man on his oath or bond;
Or a harlot, for her weeping;
Or a dog, that seems a-sleeping:
Or a keeper with my freedom;
Or my friends, if I should need ’em.
Amen. So fall to’t:
Rich men sin, and I eat root.

Eats and drinks

Much good dich thy good heart, Apemantus!

Timon

Captain Alcibiades, your heart’s in the field now.

Alcibiades

My heart is ever at your service, my lord.

Timon

You had rather be at a breakfast of enemies than a dinner of friends.

Alcibiades

So the were bleeding-new, my lord, there’s no meat like ’em: I could wish my best friend at such a feast.

Apemantus

Would all those fatterers were thine enemies then, that then thou mightst kill ’em and bid me to ’em!

First Lord

Might we but have that happiness, my lord, that you would once use our hearts, whereby we might express some part of our zeals, we should think ourselves for ever perfect.

Timon

O, no doubt, my good friends, but the gods themselves have provided that I shall have much help from you: how had you been my friends else? why have you that charitable title from thousands, did not you chiefly belong to my heart? I have told more of you to myself than you can with modesty speak in your own behalf; and thus far I confirm you. O you gods, think I, what need we have any friends, if we should ne’er have need of ’em? they were the most needless creatures living, should we ne’er have use for ’em, and would most resemble sweet instruments hung up in cases that keep their sounds to themselves. Why, I have often wished myself poorer, that I might come nearer to you. We are born to do benefits: and what better or properer can we can our own than the riches of our friends? O, what a precious comfort ’tis, to have so many, like brothers, commanding one another’s fortunes! O joy, e’en made away ere ’t can be born! Mine eyes cannot hold out water, methinks: to forget their faults, I drink to you.

Apemantus

Thou weepest to make them drink, Timon.

Second Lord

Joy had the like conception in our eyes
And at that instant like a babe sprung up.

Apemantus

Ho, ho! I laugh to think that babe a bastard.

Third Lord

I promise you, my lord, you moved me much.

Apemantus

Much!

Tucket, within

Timon

What means that trump?

Enter a Servant

How now?

Servant

Please you, my lord, there are certain ladies most desirous of admittance.

Timon

Ladies! what are their wills?

Servant

There comes with them a forerunner, my lord, which bears that office, to signify their pleasures.

Timon

I pray, let them be admitted.

Enter Cupid

Cupid

Hail to thee, worthy Timon, and to all
That of his bounties taste! The five best senses
Acknowledge thee their patron; and come freely
To gratulate thy plenteous bosom: th’ ear,
Taste, touch and smell, pleased from thy tale rise;
They only now come but to feast thine eyes.

Timon

They’re welcome all; let ’em have kind admittance:
Music, make their welcome!

Exit Cupid

First Lord

You see, my lord, how ample you’re beloved.

Music. Re-enter Cupid with a mask of Ladies as Amazons, with lutes in their hands, dancing and playing

Apemantus

Hoy-day, what a sweep of vanity comes this way!
They dance! they are mad women.
Like madness is the glory of this life.
As this pomp shows to a little oil and root.
We make ourselves fools, to disport ourselves;
And spend our flatteries, to drink those men
Upon whose age we void it up again,
With poisonous spite and envy.
Who lives that’s not depraved or depraves?
Who dies, that bears not one spurn to their graves
Of their friends’ gift?
I should fear those that dance before me now
Would one day stamp upon me: ’t has been done;
Men shut their doors against a setting sun.

The Lords rise from table, with much adoring of Timon; and to show their loves, each singles out an Amazon, and all dance, men with women, a lofty strain or two to the hautboys, and cease

Timon

You have done our pleasures much grace, fair ladies,
Set a fair fashion on our entertainment,
Which was not half so beautiful and kind;
You have added worth unto ’t and lustre,
And entertain’d me with mine own device;
I am to thank you for ’t.