Complete Plays, The (410 page)

As willingly as e’er I came from school.

Tranio

And is the bride and bridegroom coming home?

Gremio

A bridegroom say you? ’tis a groom indeed,
A grumbling groom, and that the girl shall find.

Tranio

Curster than she? why, ’tis impossible.

Gremio

Why he’s a devil, a devil, a very fiend.

Tranio

Why, she’s a devil, a devil, the devil’s dam.

Gremio

Tut, she’s a lamb, a dove, a fool to him!
I’ll tell you, Sir Lucentio: when the priest
Should ask, if Katharina should be his wife,
‘Ay, by gogs-wouns,’ quoth he; and swore so loud,
That, all-amazed, the priest let fall the book;
And, as he stoop’d again to take it up,
The mad-brain’d bridegroom took him such a cuff
That down fell priest and book and book and priest:
‘Now take them up,’ quoth he, ‘if any list.’

Tranio

What said the wench when he rose again?

Gremio

Trembled and shook; for why, he stamp’d and swore,
As if the vicar meant to cozen him.
But after many ceremonies done,
He calls for wine: ‘A health!’ quoth he, as if
He had been aboard, carousing to his mates
After a storm; quaff’d off the muscadel
And threw the sops all in the sexton’s face;
Having no other reason
But that his beard grew thin and hungerly
And seem’d to ask him sops as he was drinking.
This done, he took the bride about the neck
And kiss’d her lips with such a clamorous smack
That at the parting all the church did echo:
And I seeing this came thence for very shame;
And after me, I know, the rout is coming.
Such a mad marriage never was before:
Hark, hark! I hear the minstrels play.

Music

Re-enter Petruchio, Katharina, Bianca, Baptista, Hortensio, Grumio, and Train

Petruchio

Gentlemen and friends, I thank you for your pains:
I know you think to dine with me to-day,
And have prepared great store of wedding cheer;
But so it is, my haste doth call me hence,
And therefore here I mean to take my leave.

Baptista

Is’t possible you will away to-night?

Petruchio

I must away to-day, before night come:
Make it no wonder; if you knew my business,
You would entreat me rather go than stay.
And, honest company, I thank you all,
That have beheld me give away myself
To this most patient, sweet and virtuous wife:
Dine with my father, drink a health to me;
For I must hence; and farewell to you all.

Tranio

Let us entreat you stay till after dinner.

Petruchio

It may not be.

Gremio

 
Let me entreat you.

Petruchio

It cannot be.

Katharina

 
Let me entreat you.

Petruchio

I am content.

Katharina

 
Are you content to stay?

Petruchio

I am content you shall entreat me stay;
But yet not stay, entreat me how you can.

Katharina

Now, if you love me, stay.

Petruchio

Grumio, my horse.

Grumio

Ay, sir, they be ready: the oats have eaten the horses.

Katharina

Nay, then,
Do what thou canst, I will not go to-day;
No, nor to-morrow, not till I please myself.
The door is open, sir; there lies your way;
You may be jogging whiles your boots are green;
For me, I’ll not be gone till I please myself:
’Tis like you’ll prove a jolly surly groom,
That take it on you at the first so roundly.

Petruchio

O Kate, content thee; prithee, be not angry.

Katharina

I will be angry: what hast thou to do?
Father, be quiet; he shall stay my leisure.

Gremio

Ay, marry, sir, now it begins to work.

Katharina

Gentlemen, forward to the bridal dinner:
I see a woman may be made a fool,
If she had not a spirit to resist.

Petruchio

They shall go forward, Kate, at thy command.
Obey the bride, you that attend on her;
Go to the feast, revel and domineer,
Carouse full measure to her maidenhead,
Be mad and merry, or go hang yourselves:
But for my bonny Kate, she must with me.
Nay, look not big, nor stamp, nor stare, nor fret;
I will be master of what is mine own:
She is my goods, my chattels; she is my house,
My household stuff, my field, my barn,
My horse, my ox, my ass, my any thing;
And here she stands, touch her whoever dare;
I’ll bring mine action on the proudest he
That stops my way in Padua. Grumio,
Draw forth thy weapon, we are beset with thieves;
Rescue thy mistress, if thou be a man.
Fear not, sweet wench, they shall not touch thee, Kate:
I’ll buckler thee against a million.

Exeunt Petruchio, Katharina, and Grumio

Baptista

Nay, let them go, a couple of quiet ones.

Gremio

Went they not quickly, I should die with laughing.

Tranio

Of all mad matches never was the like.

Lucentio

Mistress, what’s your opinion of your sister?

Bianca

That, being mad herself, she’s madly mated.

Gremio

I warrant him, Petruchio is Kated.

Baptista

Neighbours and friends, though bride and bridegroom wants
For to supply the places at the table,
You know there wants no junkets at the feast.
Lucentio, you shall supply the bridegroom’s place:
And let Bianca take her sister’s room.

Tranio

Shall sweet Bianca practise how to bride it?

Baptista

She shall, Lucentio. Come, gentlemen, let’s go.

Exeunt

A
CT
IV

S
CENE
I. P
ETRUCHIO
’
S
COUNTRY
HOUSE
.

Enter Grumio

Grumio

Fie, fie on all tired jades, on all mad masters, and all foul ways! Was ever man so beaten? was ever man so rayed? was ever man so weary? I am sent before to make a fire, and they are coming after to warm them. Now, were not I a little pot and soon hot, my very lips might freeze to my teeth, my tongue to the roof of my mouth, my heart in my belly, ere I should come by a fire to thaw me: but I, with blowing the fire, shall warm myself; for, considering the weather, a taller man than I will take cold. Holla, ho! Curtis.

Enter Curtis

Curtis

Who is that calls so coldly?

Grumio

A piece of ice: if thou doubt it, thou mayst slide from my shoulder to my heel with no greater a run but my head and my neck. A fire good Curtis.

Curtis

Is my master and his wife coming, Grumio?

Grumio

O, ay, Curtis, ay: and therefore fire, fire; cast on no water.

Curtis

Is she so hot a shrew as she’s reported?

Grumio

She was, good Curtis, before this frost: but, thou knowest, winter tames man, woman and beast; for it hath tamed my old master and my new mistress and myself, fellow Curtis.

Curtis

Away, you three-inch fool! I am no beast.

Grumio

Am I but three inches? why, thy horn is a foot; and so long am I at the least. But wilt thou make a fire, or shall I complain on thee to our mistress, whose hand, she being now at hand, thou shalt soon feel, to thy cold comfort, for being slow in thy hot office?

Curtis

I prithee, good Grumio, tell me, how goes the world?

Grumio

A cold world, Curtis, in every office but thine; and therefore fire: do thy duty, and have thy duty; for my master and mistress are almost frozen to death.

Curtis

There’s fire ready; and therefore, good Grumio, the news.

Grumio

Why, ‘Jack, boy! ho! boy!’ and as much news as will thaw.

Curtis

Come, you are so full of cony-catching!

Grumio

Why, therefore fire; for I have caught extreme cold. Where’s the cook? is supper ready, the house trimmed, rushes strewed, cobwebs swept; the serving-men in their new fustian, their white stockings, and every officer his wedding-garment on? Be the jacks fair within, the jills fair without, the carpets laid, and every thing in order?

Curtis

All ready; and therefore, I pray thee, news.

Grumio

First, know, my horse is tired; my master and mistress fallen out.

Curtis

How?

Grumio

Out of their saddles into the dirt; and thereby hangs a tale.

Curtis

Let’s ha’t, good Grumio.

Grumio

Lend thine ear.

Curtis

Here.

Grumio

There.

Strikes him

Curtis

This is to feel a tale, not to hear a tale.

Grumio

And therefore ’tis called a sensible tale: and this cuff was but to knock at your ear, and beseech listening. Now I begin: Imprimis, we came down a foul hill, my master riding behind my mistress,—

Curtis

Both of one horse?

Grumio

What’s that to thee?

Curtis

Why, a horse.

Grumio

Tell thou the tale: but hadst thou not crossed me, thou shouldst have heard how her horse fell and she under her horse; thou shouldst have heard in how miry a place, how she was bemoiled, how he left her with the horse upon her, how he beat me because her horse stumbled, how she waded through the dirt to pluck him off me, how he swore, how she prayed, that never prayed before, how I cried, how the horses ran away, how her bridle was burst, how I lost my crupper, with many things of worthy memory, which now shall die in oblivion and thou return unexperienced to thy grave.

Curtis

By this reckoning he is more shrew than she.

Grumio

Ay; and that thou and the proudest of you all shall find when he comes home. But what talk I of this? Call forth Nathaniel, Joseph, Nicholas, Philip, Walter, Sugarsop and the rest: let their heads be sleekly combed their blue coats brushed and their garters of an indifferent knit: let them curtsy with their left legs and not presume to touch a hair of my master’s horse-tail till they kiss their hands. Are they all ready?

Curtis

They are.

Grumio

Call them forth.

Curtis

Do you hear, ho? you must meet my master to countenance my mistress.

Grumio

Why, she hath a face of her own.

Curtis

Who knows not that?

Grumio

Thou, it seems, that calls for company to countenance her.

Curtis

I call them forth to credit her.

Grumio

Why, she comes to borrow nothing of them.

Enter four or five Serving-men

Nathaniel

Welcome home, Grumio!

Philip

How now, Grumio!

Joseph

What, Grumio!

Nicholas

Fellow Grumio!

Nathaniel

How now, old lad?

Grumio

Welcome, you;— how now, you;— what, you;— fellow, you;— and thus much for greeting. Now, my spruce companions, is all ready, and all things neat?

Nathaniel

All things is ready. How near is our master?

Grumio

E’en at hand, alighted by this; and therefore be not — Cock’s passion, silence! I hear my master.

Enter Petruchio and Katharina

Petruchio

Where be these knaves? What, no man at door
To hold my stirrup nor to take my horse!
Where is Nathaniel, Gregory, Philip?
All Serving-Men Here, here, sir; here, sir.

Petruchio

Here, sir! here, sir! here, sir! here, sir!
You logger-headed and unpolish’d grooms!
What, no attendance? no regard? no duty?
Where is the foolish knave I sent before?

Grumio

Here, sir; as foolish as I was before.

Petruchio

You peasant swain! you whoreson malt-horse drudge!
Did I not bid thee meet me in the park,
And bring along these rascal knaves with thee?

Grumio

Nathaniel’s coat, sir, was not fully made,
And Gabriel’s pumps were all unpink’d i’ the heel;
There was no link to colour Peter’s hat,
And Walter’s dagger was not come from sheathing:
There were none fine but Adam, Ralph, and Gregory;
The rest were ragged, old, and beggarly;
Yet, as they are, here are they come to meet you.

Petruchio

Go, rascals, go, and fetch my supper in.

Exeunt Servants

Singing

Where is the life that late I led —
Where are those — Sit down, Kate, and welcome.—
Sound, sound, sound, sound!

Re-enter Servants with supper

Why, when, I say? Nay, good sweet Kate, be merry.
Off with my boots, you rogues! you villains, when?

Sings

It was the friar of orders grey,
As he forth walked on his way:—
Out, you rogue! you pluck my foot awry:
Take that, and mend the plucking off the other.

Strikes him

Be merry, Kate. Some water, here; what, ho!
Where’s my spaniel Troilus? Sirrah, get you hence,
And bid my cousin Ferdinand come hither:
One, Kate, that you must kiss, and be acquainted with.
Where are my slippers? Shall I have some water?

Enter one with water

Come, Kate, and wash, and welcome heartily.
You whoreson villain! will you let it fall?

Strikes him

Katharina