Complete Works of Bram Stoker (477 page)

Wid that she tuk down the apron from aff iv her head an’ wiped away the tears in her jools iv eyes wid the corner iv it.

‘Thank ye kindly,’ sez she; ‘but, guntlemin, Mick an’ me run this hotel long together, an’ I’ve run it alone since thin, an’ I mane to go on running’ it be meself, even if new min from Manchesther itself does be bringin’ us new ways. As to you, sur, ‘sez she, turnin’ to him, ‘it’s powerful afraid I am that there isn’t accommodation here for a guntlemin what’s so requireful. An’ so I think I’ll be askin’ ye to find convanience in some other hotel in the town.’

Wid that he turned on her an’ sez, ‘I’m here now, an’ I offer to pay me charges. Be the law ye can’t refuse to resave me or refuse me lodgmint, especially whin I’m on the primises.’

So the Widdy Byrne drewed herself up, an’ sez she, ‘Sur, ye ask yer legal rights; ye shall have them. Tell me what it is ye require.’

Sez he sthraight out: ‘I want the best room.’

‘I’ve tould you already,’ sez she, ‘there’s a gintleman in it.’

‘Well,’ sez he, ‘what other room have ye vacant?’

‘Sorra wan at all,’ sez she. ‘Every room in the house is tuk. Perhaps, sur, ye don’t think or remimber that there’s a fair on tomorra.’

She shpoke so polite that ivery man in the place knew there was somethin’ comin’  —  later on. The Manchesther man felt that the laugh was on him; but he didn’t want for impidence, so he up, an’ sez he: ‘Thin, if I have to share wid another, I’ll share wid the best! It’s the Queen’s Room I’ll be shleepin’ in this night.’

Well, the min shtandin’ by wasn’t too well plazed wid what was going on; for the man from Manchesther he was plumin’ himself for all the world like a cock on a dunghill. He laned agin over the bar an’ began makin’ love to the widdy hot an’ fast. He was a fine, shtout-made man, wid a bull neck on to him an’ short hair, like wan iv thim ‘two-to-wan-bar-wans’ what I’ve seen at Punchestown an’ Fairy House an’ the Galway races. But he seemed to have no manners at all in his coortin’, but done it as quick an’ business-like as takun’ his commercial ordhers. It was like this: ‘I want to make love; you want to be made love to, bein’ a woman. Hould up yer head!’

We all could see the widdy was boilin’ mad; but, to do him fair, the man from Manchesther didn’t seem to care what any wan thought. But we all seen what he didn’t see at first, that the widdy began widout thinkin’ to handle the rattan cane on the bar. Well, prisintly he began agun to ask about his room, an’ what kind iv a man it was that was to share it wid him.

So sez the widdy, ‘A man wid less wickedness in him nor you have, an’ less impidence.’

‘I hope he’s a quite man,’ sez he.

So the widdy began to laugh, an’ sez she: ‘I’ll warrant he’s quite enough.’

‘Does he shnore? I hate a man  —  or a woman ayther  —  what shnores.’

‘Throth,’ sez she, ‘there’s no shnore in him’; an’ she laughed agin.

Some iv the min round what knew iv the ould attorney-man  —  saving yer prisince  —  began to laugh too; and this made the Manchesther man suspicious. When the likes iv him gets suspicious he gets rale nasty; so he sez, wid a shneer: ‘You seem to be pretty well up in his habits, ma’am!’

The widdy looked round at the graziers, what was clutchin’ their ash plants hard, an’ there was a laughin’ divil in her eye that kep’ thim quite; an’ thin she turned round to the man, and sez she: ‘Oh, I know that much, anyhow, wid wan thing an’ another, begor!’ But she looked more enticin’ nor iver at that moment. For sure the man from Manchesther thought so, for he laned nigh his whole body over the counther, an’ whispered somethin’ at her, puttin’ out his hand as he did so, an’ layin’ it on her neck to dhraw her to him. The widdy seemed to know what was comm’, an’ had her hand on the rattan; so whin he was draggin’ her to him an’ puttin’ out his lips to kiss her  —  an’ her first as red as a turkey-cock an’ thin as pale as a sheet  —  she ups wid the cane and gev him wan skelp across the face wid it, shpringin’ back as she done so. Oh jool! but that was a skelp! A big wale iv blood riz up as quick as the blow was shtruck, jist as I’ve seen on the pigs’ backs whin they do be prayin’ aloud not to be tuk where they’re wanted.

‘Hands off, Misther Impidence!’ sez she. The man from Manchesther was that mad that he ups wid the tumbler formnst him an’ was goin’ to throw it at her, whin there kem an odd sound from the graziers  —  a sort of ‘Ach!’ as whin a man is workin’ a sledge, an’ I seen the ground-ash plants an’ the big fists what held thim, and the big hairy wrists go up in the air. Begor, but polis thimselves wid bayonets wouldn’t care to face thim like that! In the half of two twos the man from Manchesther would have been cut in ribbons, but there came a cry from the widdy what made the glasses ring: ‘Shtop! I’m not goin’ to have any fightin’ here; an’ besides, there’s bounds to the bad manners iv even a man from Shorrox’. He wouldn’t dar to shtrike me  —  though I have no head! Maybe I hit a thought too hard; but I had rayson to remimber that somethin’ was due on Mick’s account too. I’m sorry, sur,’ sez she to the man, quite polite, ‘that I had to defind meself; but whin a gintleman claims the law to come into a house, an’ thin assaults th’ owner iv it, though she has no head, it’s more restrainful he should be intirely!’

‘Hear, hear!’ cried some iv the mm, an’ wan iv thim sez ‘Amen’, sez he, an’ they all begin to laugh. The Manchesther man he didn’t know what to do; for begor he didn’t like the look of thim ash plants up in the air, an’ yit he was not wan to like the laugh agin’ him or to take it aisy. So he turns to the widdy an’ he lifts his hat an’ sez he wid mock politeness: ‘I must complimint ye, ma’am, upon the shtrength iv yer arrm, as upon the mildness iv yer disposition. Throth, an’ I’m thinkin’ that it’s misther Mick that has the best iv it, wid his body lyin’ paceful in the churchyard, anyhow; though the poor sowi doesn’t seem to have much good in changin’ wan devil for another!’ An’ he looked at her rale spiteful.

Well, for a minit her eyes blazed, but thin she shmiled at him, an’ made a low curtsey, an’ sez she  —  oh! mind ye, she was a gran’ woman at givin’ back as good as she got  —  ’Thank ye kindly, sur, for yer polite remarks about me arrm. Sure me poor dear Mick often said the same; only he said more an’ wid shuparior knowledge! “Molly”, sez he  —  “I’d mislike the shtrength iv yer arrm whin ye shtrike, only that I forgive ye for it whin it comes to the huggin’!” But as to poor Mick’s prisint condition I’m not goin’ to argue wid ye, though I can’t say that I forgive ye for the way you’ve shpoke iv him that’s gone. Bedad, it’s fond iv the dead y’are, for ye seem onable to kape thim out iv yer mouth. Maybe ye’ll be more respectful to thim before ye die!’

‘I don’t want no sarmons!’ sez he, wery savage. ‘Am I to have me room tonight, or am I not?’

‘Did I undherstand ye to say,’ sez she, ‘that ye wanted a share iv the Queen’s Room?’

‘I did! an’ I demand it.’

‘Very well, sur,’ sez she very quitely, ‘ye shall have it!’ Jist thin the supper war ready, and most iv the mm at the bar thronged into the coffee-room, an’ among thim the man from Manchesther, what wint bang up to the top iv the table an sot down as though he owned the place, an’ him niver in the house before.

A few iv the bhoys shtayed a minit to say another word to the widdy, an’ as soon as they was alone Misther Hogan up, an’ sez he: ‘Oh, darlint! but it’s a jool iv a woman y’ are! Do ye raly mane to put him in the room wid the corp?’

‘He said he insisted on being in that room!’ she says, quite sarious; an’ thin givin’ a look undher her lashes at the bhoys as made thim lep, sez she: ‘Oh! min, an ye love me give him his shkin that full that he’ll tumble into his bed this night wid his sinses obscurifled. Dhrink toasts till he misremimbers where he is! Whist! Go, quick, so that he won’t suspect nothin’!’

That was a warrm night, I’m telling ye! The man from Shorrox’ had wine galore wid his mate; an’ afther, whin the plates an’ dishes was tuk away an’ the nuts was brought in, Hogan got up an’ proposed his health, an’ wished him prosperity in his new line. Iv coorse he had to dhrink that; an’ thin others got up, an’ there was more toasts dhrunk than there was min in the room, till the man, him not bein’ used to whiskey-punch, began to git onsartin in his shpache. So they gev him more toasts  —  ‘Ireland as a nation’, an’ ‘Home Rule’, an’ ‘The ruimory iv Dan O’Connell’, an’ ‘Bad luck to Boney’, an’ ‘God save the Queen’, an’ ‘More power to Manchesther’, an’ other things what they thought would plaze him, him bein’ English. Long hours before it was time for the house to shut, he was as dhrunk as a whole row of fiddlers, an’ kep shakin’ hands wid ivery man an’ promisin’ thim to open a new line in Home Rule, an’ sich nonsinse. So they tuk him up to the door iv the Queen’s Room an’ left him there.

He managed to undhress himself all except his hat, and got into bed wid the corp iv th’ ould attorney-man, an’ thin an’ there fell asleep widout noticin’ him.

Well, prisintly he woke wid a cowid feelin’ all over him. He had lit no candle, an’ there was only the light from the passage comm’ in through the glass over the door. He felt himself nigh fallin’ out iv the bed wid him almost on the edge, an’ the cowld shtrange gindeman lyin’ shlap on the broad iv his back in the middle. He had enough iv the dhrink in him to be quarrelsome.

‘I’ll throuble ye,’ sez he, ‘to kape over yer own side iv the bed  —  or I’ll soon let ye know the rayson why.’ An’ wid that he give him a shove. But iv coorse the ould attorney-man tuk no notice whatsumiver.

‘Y’are not that warrm that one’d like to lie contagious to ye,’ sez he. ‘Move over, I say, to yer own side!’ But divil a shtir iv the corp.

Well, thin he began to get fightin’ angry, an’ to kick an’ shove the corp; but not gittin’ any answer at all, he turned round an’ hit him a clip on the side iv the head.

‘Gitup,’ he sez, ‘iv ye’re a man at all, an’ put up yer dooks.’

Then he got more madder shrill, for the dhrink was shtirrin’ in him, an’ he kicked an’ shoved an’ grabbed him be the leg an’ the arrm to move him.

‘Begor!’ sez he, ‘but ye’re the cowldest chap I iver kem anigh iv. Musha! but yer hairs is like icicles.’

Thin he tuk him be the head, an’ shuk him an’ brung him to the bedside, an’ kicked him clane out on to the flure on the far side iv the bed.

‘Lie there,’ he sez, ‘ye ould blast furnace! Ye can warrm yerself up on the flure till tomorra.’

Be this time the power iv the dhrink he had tuk got ahoult iv him agin, an’ he fell back in the middle iv the bed, wid his head on the pilla an’ his toes up, an’ wint aff ashleep, like a cat in the frost.

By-an’-by, whin the house was about shuttin’ up, the watcher from th’ undhertaker’s kem to sit be the corp till the mornin’, an’ th’ attorney him bein’ a Protestan’ there was no candles. Whin the house was quite, wan iv the girris, what was coortin’ wid the watcher, shtole into the room.

‘Are ye there, Michael?’ sez she.

‘Yis, me darlint!’ he sez, comm’ to her; an’ there they shtood be the door, wid the lamp in the passage shinin’ on the red heads iv the two iv thim.

‘I’ve come,’ sez Katty, ‘to kape ye company for a bit, Michael; for it’s crool lonesome worrk sittin’ there alone all night. But I mustn’t shtay long, for they’re all goin’ to bed soon, when the dishes is washed up.’

‘Give us a kiss,’ sez Michael.

‘Oh, Michael!’ sez she: ‘kissin’ in the prisince iv a corp! It’s ashamed iv ye I am.’

‘Sorra cause, Katty. Sure, it’s more respectful than any other way. Isn’t it next to kissin’ in the chapel?  —  an’ ye do that whin ye’re bein’ married. If ye kiss me now, begor but I don’t know as it’s mortial nigh a weddin’ it is! Anyhow, give us a kiss, an’ we’ll talk iv the rights an’ wrongs iv it aftherwards.’

Well, somehow, yer ‘ann’rs, that kiss was bern’ gave  —  an’ a kiss in the prisince iv a corp is a sarious thing an’ takes a long time. Thim two was payin’ such attintion to what was going on betune thim that they didn’t heed nothin’, whin suddint Katty stops, and sez: ‘Whist! what is that?’

Michael felt creepy too, for there was a quare sound comm’ from the bed. So they grabbed one another as they shtud in the doorway an looked at the bed almost afraid to breathe till the hair on both iv thim began to shtand up in horror; for the corp rose up in the bed, an’ they seen it pointin’ at thim, an’ heard a hoarse voice say, ‘It’s in hell I am  —  Divils around me! Don’t I see thim burnin’ wid their heads like flames? an’ it’s burnin’ lam too  —  burnin’, burnin’, burnin’! Me throat is on fire, an’ me face is burnin’! Wather! wather! Give me wather, if only a dhrop on me tongue’s tip!’

Well, thin Katty let one screetch out iv her, like to wake the dead, an’ tore down the passage till she kem to the shtairs, and tuk a flyin’ lep down an’ fell in a dead faint on the mat below; and Michael yelled ‘murdher’ wid all his might.

It wasn’t long till there was a crowd in that room, I tell ye; an’ a mighty shtrange thing it was that sorra wan iv the graziers had even tuk his coat from aff iv him to go to bed, or laid by his shtick. An’ the widdy too, she was as nate an’ tidy as iver, though seemin’ surprised out iv a sound shleep, an’ her clothes onto her, all savin’ a white bedgown, an’ a candle in her hand. There was some others what had been in bed, min an’ wimin wid their bare feet an’ slippers on to some iv thim, wid their bracers down their backs, an’ their petticoats flung on anyhow. An’ some iv thim in big nightcaps, an’ some wid their hair all screwed up in knots wid little wisps iv paper, like farden screws iv Limerick twist or Lundy Foot snuff. Musha! but it was the ould weemin what was afraid iv things what didn’t alarrm the young wans at all. Divil resave me! but the sole thing they seemed to dhread was the min  —  dead or alive it was all wan to thim  —  an’ ‘twas ghosts an’ corpses an’ mayhap divils that the rest was afeard iv.

Well, whin the Manchesther man seen thim all come tumblin’ into the room he began to git his wits about him; for the dhrink was wearin’ aff, an’ he was thryin’ to remimber where he was. So whin he seen the widdy he put his hand up to his face where the red welt was, an’ at wance seemed to undhershtand, for he got mad agin an’ roared out: ‘What does this mane? Why this invasion iv me chamber? Clear out the whole kit, or I’ll let yez know!’