Complete Works of Joseph Conrad (Illustrated) (566 page)

“I have told him that every day seemed more difficult to live. Don’t you see how impossible this is?”

D’Alcacer glanced rapidly across the Cage where Mr. Travers seemed to be asleep all in a heap and presenting a ruffled appearance like a sick bird. Nothing was distinct of him but the bald patch on the top of his head.

“Yes,” he murmured, “it is most unfortunate. . . . I understand your anxiety, Mrs. Travers, but . . .”

“I am frightened,” she said.

He reflected a moment. “What answer did you get?” he asked, softly.

“The answer was: ‘Patience.’“

D’Alcacer laughed a little. — ”You may well laugh,” murmured Mrs. Travers in a tone of anguish. — ”That’s why I did,” he whispered. “Patience! Didn’t he see the horror of it?” — ”I don’t know. He walked away,” said Mrs. Travers. She looked immovably at her hands clasped in her lap, and then with a burst of distress, “Mr. d’Alcacer, what is going to happen?” — ”Ah, you are asking yourself the question at last. That will happen which cannot be avoided; and perhaps you know best what it is.” — ”No. I am still asking myself what he will do.” — ”Ah, that is not for me to know,” declared d’Alcacer. “I can’t tell you what he will do, but I know what will happen to him.” — ”To him, you say! To him!” she cried. — ”He will break his heart,” said d’Alcacer, distinctly, bending a little over the chair with a slight gasp at his own audacity — and waited.

“Croyez-vous?” came at last from Mrs. Travers in an accent so coldly languid that d’Alcacer felt a shudder run down his spine.

Was it possible that she was that kind of woman, he asked himself. Did she see nothing in the world outside herself? Was she above the commonest kind of compassion? He couldn’t suspect Mrs. Travers of stupidity; but she might have been heartless and, like some women of her class, quite unable to recognize any emotion in the world except her own. D’Alcacer was shocked and at the same time he was relieved because he confessed to himself that he had ventured very far. However, in her humanity she was not vulgar enough to be offended. She was not the slave of small meannesses. This thought pleased d’Alcacer who had schooled himself not to expect too much from people. But he didn’t know what to do next. After what he had ventured to say and after the manner in which she had met his audacity the only thing to do was to change the conversation. Mrs. Travers remained perfectly still. “I will pretend that I think she is asleep,” he thought to himself, meditating a retreat on tip-toe.

He didn’t know that Mrs. Travers was simply trying to recover the full command of her faculties. His words had given her a terrible shock. After managing to utter this defensive “croyez-vous” which came out of her lips cold and faint as if in a last effort of dying strength, she felt herself turn rigid and speechless. She was thinking, stiff all over with emotion: “D’Alcacer has seen it! How much more has he been able to see?” She didn’t ask herself that question in fear or shame but with a reckless resignation. Out of that shock came a sensation of peace. A glowing warmth passed through all her limbs. If d’Alcacer had peered by that smoky light into her face he might have seen on her lips a fatalistic smile come and go. But d’Alcacer would not have dreamed of doing such a thing, and, besides, his attention just then was drawn in another direction. He had heard subdued exclamations, had noticed a stir on the decks of the Emma, and even some sort of noise outside the ship.

“These are strange sounds,” he said.

“Yes, I hear,” Mrs. Travers murmured, uneasily.

Vague shapes glided outside the Cage, barefooted, almost noiseless, whispering Malay words secretly.

“It seems as though a boat had come alongside,” observed d’Alcacer, lending an attentive ear. “I wonder what it means. In our position. . . .”

“It may mean anything,” interrupted Mrs. Travers.

“Jaffir is here,” said a voice in the darkness of the after end of the ship. Then there were some more words in which d’Alcacer’s attentive ear caught the word “surat.”

“A message of some sort has come,” he said. “They will be calling Captain Lingard. I wonder what thoughts or what dreams this call will interrupt.” He spoke lightly, looking now at Mrs. Travers who had altered her position in the chair; and by their tones and attitudes these two might have been on board the yacht sailing the sea in perfect safety. “You, of course, are the one who will be told. Don’t you feel a sort of excitement, Mrs. Travers?”

“I have been lately exhorted to patience,” she said in the same easy tone. “I can wait and I imagine I shall have to wait till the morning.”

“It can’t be very late yet,” he said. “Time with us has been standing still for ever so long. And yet this may be the hour of fate.”

“Is this the feeling you have at this particular moment?”

“I have had that feeling for a considerable number of moments already. At first it was exciting. Now I am only moderately anxious. I have employed my time in going over all my past life.”

“Can one really do that?”

“Yes. I can’t say I have been bored to extinction. I am still alive, as you see; but I have done with that and I feel extremely idle. There is only one thing I would like to do. I want to find a few words that could convey to you my gratitude for all your friendliness in the past, at the time when you let me see so much of you in London. I felt always that you took me on my own terms and that so kindly that often I felt inclined to think better of myself. But I am afraid I am wearying you, Mrs. Travers.”

“I assure you you have never done that — in the past. And as to the present moment I beg you not to go away. Stay by me please. We are not going to pretend that we are sleepy at this early hour.”

D’Alcacer brought a stool close to the long chair and sat down on it. “Oh, yes, the possible hour of fate,” he said. “I have a request to make, Mrs. Travers. I don’t ask you to betray anything. What would be the good? The issue when it comes will be plain enough. But I should like to get a warning, just something that would give me time to pull myself together, to compose myself as it were. I want you to promise me that if the balance tips against us you will give me a sign. You could, for instance, seize the opportunity when I am looking at you to put your left hand to your forehead like this. It is a gesture that I have never seen you make, and so. . . .”

“Jorgenson!” Lingard’s voice was heard forward where the light of a lantern appeared suddenly. Then, after a pause, Lingard was heard again: “Here!”

Then the silent minutes began to go by. Mrs. Travers reclining in her chair and d’Alcacer sitting on the stool waited motionless without a word. Presently through the subdued murmurs and agitation pervading the dark deck of the Emma Mrs. Travers heard a firm footstep, and, lantern in hand, Lingard appeared outside the muslin cage.

“Will you come out and speak to me?” he said, loudly. “Not you. The lady,” he added in an authoritative tone as d’Alcacer rose hastily from the stool. “I want Mrs. Travers.”

“Of course,” muttered d’Alcacer to himself and as he opened the door of the Cage to let Mrs. Travers slip through he whispered to her, “This is the hour of fate.”

She brushed past him swiftly without the slightest sign that she had heard the words. On the after deck between the Cage and the deckhouse Lingard waited, lantern in hand. Nobody else was visible about; but d’Alcacer felt in the air the presence of silent and excited beings hovering outside the circle of light. Lingard raised the lantern as Mrs. Travers approached and d’Alcacer heard him say:

“I have had news which you ought to know. Let us go into the deckhouse.”

D’Alcacer saw their heads lighted up by the raised lantern surrounded by the depths of shadow with an effect of a marvellous and symbolic vision. He heard Mrs. Travers say “I would rather not hear your news,” in a tone that made that sensitive observer purse up his lips in wonder. He thought that she was over-wrought, that the situation had grown too much for her nerves. But this was not the tone of a frightened person. It flashed through his mind that she had become self-conscious, and there he stopped in his speculation. That friend of women remained discreet even in his thoughts. He stepped backward further into the Cage and without surprise saw Mrs. Travers follow Lingard into the deckhouse.

IV

Lingard stood the lantern on the table. Its light was very poor. He dropped on to the sea-chest heavily. He, too, was over-wrought. His flannel shirt was open at the neck. He had a broad belt round his waist and was without his jacket. Before him, Mrs. Travers, straight and tall in the gay silks, cottons, and muslins of her outlandish dress, with the ends of the scarf thrown over her head, hanging down in front of her, looked dimly splendid and with a black glance out of her white face. He said:

“Do you, too, want to throw me over? I tell you you can’t do that now.”

“I wasn’t thinking of throwing you over, but I don’t even know what you mean. There seem to be no end of things I can’t do. Hadn’t you better tell me of something that I could do? Have you any idea yourself what you want from me?”

“You can let me look at you. You can listen to me. You can speak to me.”

“Frankly, I have never shirked doing all those things, whenever you wanted me to. You have led me . . .”

“I led you!” cried Lingard.

“Oh! It was my fault,” she said, without anger. “I must have dreamed then that it was you who came to me in the dark with the tale of your impossible life. Could I have sent you away?”

“I wish you had. Why didn’t you?”

“Do you want me to tell you that you were irresistible? How could I have sent you away? But you! What made you come back to me with your very heart on your lips?”

When Lingard spoke after a time it was in jerky sentences.

“I didn’t stop to think. I had been hurt. I didn’t think of you people as ladies and gentlemen. I thought of you as people whose lives I held in my hand. How was it possible to forget you in my trouble? It is your face that I brought back with me on board my brig. I don’t know why. I didn’t look at you more than at anybody else. It took me all my time to keep my temper down lest it should burn you all up. I didn’t want to be rude to you people, but I found it wasn’t very easy because threats were the only argument I had. Was I very offensive, Mrs. Travers?”

She had listened tense and very attentive, almost stern. And it was without the slightest change of expression that she said:

“I think that you bore yourself appropriately to the state of life to which it has pleased God to call you.”

“What state?” muttered Lingard to himself. “I am what I am. They call me Rajah Laut, King Tom, and such like. I think it amused you to hear it, but I can tell you it is no joke to have such names fastened on one, even in fun. And those very names have in them something which makes all this affair here no small matter to anybody.”

She stood before him with a set, severe face. — ”Did you call me out in this alarming manner only to quarrel with me?” — ”No, but why do you choose this time to tell me that my coming for help to you was nothing but impudence in your sight? Well, I beg your pardon for intruding on your dignity.” — ”You misunderstood me,” said Mrs. Travers, without relaxing for a moment her contemplative severity. “Such a flattering thing had never happened to me before and it will never happen to me again. But believe me, King Tom, you did me too much honour. Jorgenson is perfectly right in being angry with you for having taken a woman in tow.” — ”He didn’t mean to be rude,” protested Lingard, earnestly. Mrs. Travers didn’t even smile at this intrusion of a point of manners into the atmosphere of anguish and suspense that seemed always to arise between her and this man who, sitting on the sea-chest, had raised his eyes to her with an air of extreme candour and seemed unable to take them off again. She continued to look at him sternly by a tremendous effort of will.

“How changed you are,” he murmured.

He was lost in the depths of the simplest wonder. She appeared to him vengeful and as if turned forever into stone before his bewildered remorse. Forever. Suddenly Mrs. Travers looked round and sat down in the chair. Her strength failed her but she remained austere with her hands resting on the arms of her seat. Lingard sighed deeply and dropped his eyes. She did not dare relax her muscles for fear of breaking down altogether and betraying a reckless impulse which lurked at the bottom of her dismay, to seize the head of d’Alcacer’s Man of Fate, press it to her breast once, fling it far away, and vanish herself, vanish out of life like a wraith. The Man of Fate sat silent and bowed, yet with a suggestion of strength in his dejection. “If I don’t speak,” Mrs. Travers said to herself, with great inward calmness, “I shall burst into tears.” She said aloud, “What could have happened? What have you dragged me in here for? Why don’t you tell me your news?”

“I thought you didn’t want to hear. I believe you really don’t want to. What is all this to you? I believe that you don’t care anything about what I feel, about what I do and how I end. I verily believe that you don’t care how you end yourself. I believe you never cared for your own or anybody’s feelings. I don’t think it is because you are hard, I think it is because you don’t know, and don’t want to know, and are angry with life.”

He flourished an arm recklessly, and Mrs. Travers noticed for the first time that he held a sheet of paper in his hand.

“Is that your news there?” she asked, significantly. “It’s difficult to imagine that in this wilderness writing can have any significance. And who on earth here could send you news on paper? Will you let me see it? Could I understand it? Is it in English? Come, King Tom, don’t look at me in this awful way.”

She got up suddenly, not in indignation, but as if at the end of her endurance. The jewelled clasps, the gold embroideries, gleamed elusively amongst the folds of her draperies which emitted a mysterious rustle.

“I can’t stand this,” she cried. “I can’t stand being looked at like this. No woman could stand it. No woman has ever been looked at like this. What can you see? Hatred I could understand. What is it you think me capable of?”

“You are very extraordinary,” murmured Lingard, who had regained his self-possession before that outburst.