Complete Works of Wilkie Collins (2001 page)

Mag.
Let us say
your
thumb.

Mrs. W.
(
reading
). “Pour in the omelette.” There! I can do that. “Allow it to set. Raise it round the edge. When done, turn it over to double it.” Oh, the number of times I’ve turned it over and doubled it in my head! “Keep it soft. Put the dish on the frying-pan, and turn it over.” (
To
MAGDALEN.) Which am I to turn over? Oh, mercy! tell me which, the dish or the frying-pan?

Mag.
Put the dish on the frying-pan, and then turn the frying-pan over.

Mrs. W.
I want to get it into my head. Say the last part of it again.

Mag.
And then turn the frying-pan over.

Mrs. W.
(
vacantly
). Ah, that’s it! And then turn the frying-pan, then turn the frying-pan, then turn the frying-pan over! It sounds like poetry, don’t it?

(WRAGGE’S
voice is heard from the cottage.
)

Wragge
(
shouting
). Mrs. Wragge!

Mrs. W.
Oh Lord! here he is again!

Wragge
(
appearing on the steps with a telescope in his hand, and addressing
MAGDALEN). They are coming this way. I have seen them from the window. (
To
MRS. WRAGGE.) Go in! Stop! Down at heel again! The right shoe. Pull it up at heel, Mrs. Wragge, pull it up at heel! (MRS. WRAGGE
obeys, and goes on to the steps.
) Ascend those steps exactly in the middle! More to the left — more still. Now go in! (MRS. WRAGGE
enters the cottage.
WRAGGE
turns again to
MAGDALEN.) I have Joyce at my fingers’ ends. We must establish a code of signals before Mrs. Lecount comes in. You see this telescope?

Mag.
(
wearily
). Yes.

Wragge.
When I shift the telescope from my left hand to my right, I am talking Joyce. When I shift it back again from my right hand to my left, I am talking Wragge. In the first case, don’t interrupt me — that’s all. Steady! Here they are! (NOEL VANSTONE
and
MRS. LECOUNT
appear on the right.
WRAGGE
hurries out to them.
) Don’t pass us, Mr. Vanstone. Come in for a minute, Mrs. Lecount.

(NOEL
goes in, and pays his respects to
MAGDALEN, MRS. LECOUNT
keeping close to him, and bowing stiffly to
MAGDALEN. WRAGGE
busies himself in placing chairs for the party.
)

Wragge.
Sit down, Mrs. Lecount. Sit down, Mr. Vanstone.

(NOEL
places himself next to
MAGDALEN. MRS. LECOUNT
seats herself on the other side of him.
WRAGGE
takes his position next to
MRS. LECOUNT.

Mag.
(
forcing herself to say something
). You were complaining of your health yesterday, Mr. Vanstone. I hope you feel better this morning?

Noel
(
tenderly
). I feel the influence already of
your
inquiries.

Mrs. L.
(
sharply
). You feel the influence, Mr. Noel, of your good breakfast and your good night’s rest.

Noel
(
petulantly
). I don’t feel anything of the sort, Lecount!

(
He continues his conversation with
MAGDALEN.)

Wragge
(
aside
). Joyce is wanted! (
He shifts his telescope from the left hand to the right, and addressing
MRS. LECOUNT,
points to the sea.
) A glorious scene yonder, ma’am! The merchant shipping of the world sailing for the Thames with the morning tide. Is it possible to look at that peaceful fleet, and not be reminded — (
he pauses, and looks hard at
MRS. LECOUNT) —
you
know — I needn’t tell
you!

Mrs. L.
Pardon me, Mr. Bygrave, those ships remind me of nothing.

Wragge
(
persuasively
). Yes! yes!

Mrs. L.
Of what do they remind me, sir?

Wragge.
Of the Theory of Floating Vessels. (
He runs on smoothly, as if the next words were quite a matter of course.
) All bodies that float on the surface of the water, displace as much fluid as is equal in weight to the weight of the bodies.
You
know!
you
know!

Mrs. L.
(
flattered
). I regret to say I do not know, sir.

Wragge
(
enthusiastically
). Then you
shall
know! I have stated the principle. Now let us apply it in a popular and convincing way. (MRS. LECOUNT’S
attention wanders. She looks round suspiciously at
NOEL,
who is still talking to
MAGDALEN. WRAGGE
proceeds.
) Say, you and I are sailors. Do you suffer at sea?

Mrs. L.
(
to herself
). What is Mr. Noel saying to her?

Wragge
(
persisting
). Do you suffer at sea —
 
— ?

Noel
(
continuing the conversation aloud
). I assure you it’s true, Miss Bygrave. The coast here is all crumbling away. Mine is the only safe house in Aldborough. My house is built on piles — the strongest piles in England.

Mag.
(
answering him wearily
). When the sea invades us, we must all fly for refuge to your house.

Noel.
I could almost wish the invasion might happen.

Mrs. L.
(
loudly
). Mr. Noel —
 
— !

Noel
(
continuing to
MAGDALEN). I should then have the happiness of offering my house to you!

(
He continues his attentions to
MAGDALEN.)

Wragge
(
persisting
). Do you suffer at sea?

Mrs. L.
(
irritated into answering him
). Yes, I
do,
sir!

Wragge.
So do I — horribly! We won’t be sailors — say, we are shipowners instead. How does the firm of Lecount and Bygrave — we really must get on with the Theory of Floating Vessels! — how does the firm of Lecount and Bygrave keep its ship and cargo above water? The firm takes care that ship and cargo shall be of less weight than the weight of a quantity of water — (MRS. LECOUNT’S
attention wanders again
) — pray, follow me here! — of a quantity of water —

Mrs. L.
(
turning again to
NOEL). Mr. Noel! you are sitting here, when you ought to be taking your walk.

Wragge
(
to
MRS. LECOUNT). Of a quantity of water —
 
—

Mrs. L.
(
angrily turning to him
). What quantity of water, sir?

Wragge
(
enthusiastically
). Equal in bulk to that part of the vessel which it will be safe to immerse in the water. Now, ma’am, salt water (as every schoolboy knows) being thirty times heavier than fresh water, when we load our vessel for the Thames, what does the firm of Lecount and Bygrave do?

Mrs. L.
(
turning again towards
NOEL). Mr. Noel!

Wragge
(
to
MRS. LECOUNT). What does the firm of Lecount and Bygrave do?

Mrs. L.
(
sharply to
WRAGGE). Will you let me speak, sir?

Wragge
(
admiring her
). You know beforehand what the firm does? Admirable and accomplished woman! We load, don’t we —
 
— ?

Mrs. L.
(
to
NOEL). If you are determined not to take your walk, Mr. Noel —
 
—

Wragge.
We load, don’t we —
 
— ?

Mrs. L.
(
rising and continuing to
NOEL). If you set the doctor’s orders at defiance, sir, there is nothing left for me but to go home again. (
She approaches the gate.
)

Wragge
(
aside to
NOEL). Go for your walk! (NOEL
rises, and kisses
MAGDALEN’S
hand.
MAGDALEN
keeps her seat, shrinking at the touch of his lips.
WRAGGE
follows
MRS. LECOUNT,
forcing her to listen to him.
) We load — as you say — with one-thirtieth part less than we can carry at sea. Or we take one-thirtieth part of the cargo out, at the mouth of the Thames. Or, we do neither the one nor the other; and when we get to the fresh water — say at Putney — down we go to the bottom of the river as a matter of scientific certainty. The Theory of Floating Vessels, Mrs. Lecount. Entirely at your service!

Noel (
sulkily joining
MRS. LECOUNT). Lecount! I’m waiting. (MRS. LECOUNT
submissively gives him her arm. He turns to
WRAGGE.) We shall see you to-night, Mr. Bygrave?

Wragge.
To-night — with pleasure. (NOEL
and
MRS. LECOUNT
go out on the right.
WRAGGE
fans himself with his handkerchief.
) Poof! Joyce is harder work than I bargained for. (
He turns and observes
MAGDALEN,
still seated, as
NOEL VANSTONE
has left her, absorbed in her own horror of the coming marriage.
WRAGGE
starts, and speaks to her gently.
) My dear girl! you’re not ill — are you?

Mag.
(
not heeding him, counting again on her fingers
). Sunday — one. Monday — two. Tuesday — three. Wednesday —
 
— (
She shudders; her voice fails her, and her hands drop on her lap.
)

Wragge
(
daunted
). I can’t have this! It looks like a reproach to
me.
If you can’t face the marriage — if you prefer leaving Noel Vanstone in possession of your father’s money — say the word. The people at the church here want three clear days’ notice of a marriage. If the notice is to be given, I must give it to-day.

Mag.
(
faintly, without looking at him
). Give it!

Wragge.
You really mean me to go?

Mag.
(
as before
). Go!

Wragge
(
to himself
). She can’t say I didn’t warn her. Now for the church!