Compulsive (Liar #1) (7 page)

My heart jolted, like I’d flat-lined for a second
before someone jumpstarted it with paddles. A throbbing pulsed up to my face.
Tears welled, but I fought them with anger. I’d never been hit like that
before; stunned silence ensued.

He grasped my face between his fingers, our eyes
burned into each other. “That’s nothing compared to what I’ll do to the two of
you if she tries to take my garage.” With a shove, my face flew away from his
hand, and he plodded to the door. “Don’t even think of going to the police.” He
pulled the door open and stood in the doorway. “You think you know about me, Gray.
I can get all kinds of shit on a psychotic little liar like you.”

I waited until the door slammed before I shrank to the
floor in a stream of my own tears.

--------------------------

My fingers gripped the steering wheel tighter with every passing
minute. My body, paralyzed in the driver’s seat, hadn’t moved in five minutes,
despite the fact the traffic report blared on the radio. Normally, my finger
would be on that button before the announcer could spit out the call letters.
It was one of my more trivial habits—anything other than music coming from the
radio was immediately banished.

Driving there had been a blur of lights and lines with
the occasional replay of that hand coming down on my face. It continued to burn.

My appointment with Daniel was now two minutes past
starting, and I could do nothing but stare at the lobby door from inside my
car. Toxic humiliation spread through my veins. Why hadn’t I called and told
him I was sick? I fumed with self-loathing for the reputation I’d meticulously built
for myself. To know me was to doubt me. So, of course, I couldn’t call with an
excuse.
Damn him
! I wanted to stab Harvey for leaving a mark on me. Both
physically and mentally. I lifted my sunglasses as I glanced up to the mirror
at the red welt on my cheek, unable to determine if it was getting worse or
better. Perspective had been thrown out with my wits.

I let my lids fall closed, so I could watch it again.
Over and over. Maybe I could play it out. Something about it began to feel
familiar the more I imagined it. The hand, not the connection. Soon, I saw
myself flinch, even though I had no time to react. I turned my head to the side,
though I had taken it straight on. I hadn’t been hit like that before, but now
I was remembering something else. Another time. A different perpetrator.

The memory flashed before me, and a tear dotted the
corner of my eye. The babysitter. We changed sitters faster than Noah’s diapers.
Being a widowed single father meant Dad was either working, drinking, or
hiding. Most of our caregivers sat around while I did just about everything for
Noah. That’s the way I wanted it anyway. One of them, not a teen but not quite
a woman, had watched us for only two days. Her short temper and cold voice
warned me not to trust her. She barely smiled when she first met Noah, which
made no sense to me. It wasn’t me who had set her off that day. Two-year-old Noah
splashed his palm into the cereal bowl, causing milk to go everywhere. “No!”
she’d said, pointing her finger in his face. Frantically, I cleaned it up,
keeping my frightened eyes locked with her infuriated ones. Noah laughed and
did it again, this time mimicking her finger with his milk covered one. Her
hand rose; I stepped in front of Noah, attempting to yell and protect myself at
the same time. “Please…he’s just a baby.” I don’t know if my words or her own
realization of what she was about to do stopped her. Instead of telling my dad,
I slipped his watch into her purse and left it open where he would see it when
he got home. She would never return, and I would learn another level of the
power of manipulation.

I pulled a loose napkin from inside the cup holder and
swiped the wetness from under my eyes. Then, I took one last look at my latest
failure and pulled out of the lot. Twenty minutes later, I found myself pulling
into the Blue Moon Saloon.

I kept my head down when I slipped through the door
and headed straight back to the patio. The evening music had already been
pushed up to a higher volume, but the speakers were lower outside. The sun had
been making its descent on the way over, so the shadowed table for two in the
corner provided an adequate escape. I ordered a whiskey neat before I knew what
I was saying. My father’s drink of choice. It never seemed to fail him when he
wanted to disappear. The first sip warmed my cool skin under the later
afternoon breeze. I sighed into the glass, recovering from the burn in my
throat, then sloshing down the rest. I nodded at the server when she asked if
I’d like another. Upon her exit, a hand landed on my shoulder; the hairs on my
neck stood at attention.

“Well, at least you made it as far as the parking
lot.”

I recognized that cool silky voice immediately, but I
stayed with my back to him. My mind spun with the thought of him following me
here. “You saw me?” I didn’t ask him to join me, but the chair to my right
skidded out.

“Help me understand, Gray.”

The waitress brought my second glass and asked Daniel
if he wanted to order. “Just coffee, please.”

“You don’t drink?” I asked when the server left.

“I do…but not with patients.”

The slap of reality was almost as painful as the one
Harvey had delivered. When I didn’t answer, he said, “You’re still my patient,
aren’t you?”

I turned to face him, knowing my left cheek would be
exposed. “If you’ll have me,” I said, holding back tears of shame.

“My God, Gray. What happened to you?”

A tentative reach of his hand toward my face made my
breath catch. He stalled before touching two gentle fingers to my chin. “Are
you all right? Is there more?”

I shook my head. “I’m fine. It looks worse than it
is.” My heart beat a little faster when I read the concern in his eyes.

“Our deal stands whether we’re in my office or not.”
Daniel struggled to remain composed. “Who did this to you?” he commanded.

Our deal for honesty wouldn’t be a problem tonight. “I
did.”

“Gray.” He looked away as if he was planning his
escape.

“That’s the truth, Daniel. I’m responsible. I’m
responsible for every bad thing that’s ever happened to me.”

His eyes returned to mine, determined. “
No one
has the right to lay a hand on you. Do you understand me?”

I nodded, wide-eyed like an obedient child.

“One day…you’re going to rise above your
circumstances. You’re going to be a survivor instead of a victim. Your
strengths will become assets instead of your downfall. Are you hearing me, Gray?”

His words riveted me like a savior at a sermon. He
knew everything about me, though he knew nothing at all. A strong hand engulfed
my forearm as if I was sinking in quicksand, and he was my lifeline, a way to
claw and climb my way out. “Every word,” I whispered.

“Would you like to go back to my office and talk?”

I took a lingering sip of my drink. “Could we stay
here and talk…just for a bit?” My eyes pleaded for the answer I sought. I
followed his gaze down to the hand still resting on my arm, a thin piece of
material separating our skin.

He slid it away and leaned back in his chair. “Are you
in much pain?”

“No.” I raised my glass in the air before setting it
down with a brave grin. “This helps.”

“For now.” He raised his eyebrows.

“Are we going to talk about how all my coping
mechanisms will only end up hurting me more in the end?”

“It sounds like you’re already aware of that fact.” He
smirked and sipped his coffee.

I hadn’t been able to manipulate Dr. Wallace, and
Daniel already proved to be a tough nut to crack. But, I was up for the
challenge. “Well, it’s not fool-proof.”

“When did it start…the coping?”

“I guess around sixteen…possibly fifteen. Just
drinking at first. Got a little sidetracked from time to time with
other
stuff
, but thankfully, nothing earth-shattering.”

“At any point, did you come to the conclusion that it
was doing more harm than good?”

I lingered with the glass to my lips. “Yes, but some
of my
coping
mechanisms can be extremely pleasant.”

“That welt doesn’t look very pleasant.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know.”

He nodded, and I figured he wasn’t ready to talk about
sex, especially not there. But, the intimate feel of talking alone in a bar
took away some of the clinical element. I examined him more closely, noted his welcomed
nearness. Those fierce eyes that I still hadn’t gotten used to looking into. The
thinner my blood got the looser my lips would get, but I didn’t want to scare
him away. “I’m sorry I didn’t get those forms sent to you.”

“I understand. I have the notes from Dr. Wallace.”

“You might as well burn those. They won’t tell you
shit about me.”

“Do you really believe that? Because I’ve already
learned quite a bit.”

“You can decide for yourself eventually.”

“Fair enough.”

“So, what do you want to talk about?” I asked, trying
to keep control of the conversation.

“Why don’t we start with something easy? Can you tell
me one of your happiest memories as well as one of your most unhappy memories?”

The effects of the whiskey were loosening my defenses.
The second one hit me doubly hard. Daniel had followed me here, but it couldn’t
have worked out better for my cooperation. I don’t know if I’d feel the same
way sober and in his office, but at the moment, I would tell him anything.
Everything. Yet, I was still in control enough not to tip my hand. “Okay.” I
nodded coolly.

“Great. Which would you like to start with?”

“That’s easy. They’re both the same day.”

The server had been refilling Daniel’s coffee as I
spoke. When he heard my response, he swung back to me with narrowed eyes. I
never felt any sort of satisfaction having Dr. Wallace’s listening ear, but
knowing Daniel was attentively hanging on my words fueled my desire to share
them.

“Really?” There may have been skepticism behind his
guise, but who could blame him?

I went on to recount the day my baby brother, Noah,
was born when I was around seven. The day I lost my beautiful mother as a
result of amniotic-fluid embolism. The day that forever changed the course of
my life.

From as far back as I could remember, I’d planned to
be exactly like her. When she died, my naïve aspirations of continuing as a
mother to Noah and developing into a woman she’d be proud of were short-lived. I’d
been cut off at the knees by a reality I hadn’t yet understood.

“My mother was the heart and soul of the family. The
goodness. The rock. All the clichés rolled into one, and when she was gone, it
was like everyone else had become ghosts, too.”

I stared off into the darkness, watching the traffic
from a nearby street, wondering how many of those people were truly happy. How
many of them felt broken like me. Was I so beyond repair?

“And what about your father?” Daniel’s words took a
full minute to travel through the darkness and reach me.

I turned with an empty smile. “Well, Dr. Harrison. I’m
afraid that’s all the time we have for today.”

“That’s my line.” He chuckled. “It’s fine, Gray.
You’ve had quite a day today.”

“Oh, this is nothing.” I squinted a genuine smile at
him.

“Would it be too presumptuous of me to order you a
coffee? I don’t like the thought of leaving you like this.” He nodded to my
empty glass on the table.

“Considering men usually presume to buy me drinks,
I’ll take this as a positive gesture.”

“Great,” he said, waving down the waitress.

After he ordered the coffee, I said, “I’m a big girl,
Daniel. You don’t have to stay and babysit me. And I don’t live far from here.”

“Okay, I’ll be in touch.”

He stood, brushing my arm to get by the table. Before
I realized it, I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Daniel?” The contact from
his skin shot a bolt of electricity through me, sobering me faster than the
coffee. Somehow that touch put me at ease as well, and I couldn’t bring myself
to let go.

His eyes caught mine, unable to hide his surprise and
concern. I released his hand, and my body registered the immediate loss.
“I…wanted to say thank you. For everything.”

He nodded and then walked away.

An hour later when I left, the bar jumped in full
swing. I kept my focus on the door and walked briskly until I reached the exit.
I’d been in that lot dozens of times at night and most of them alone. Safety
was not my concern. Yet, something came over me as I walked to where my car was
parked. An enigmatic feeling floated in the air around me. I stole a few
glances up and down the aisle preceding me, and that’s when I spotted it. A shrouded
figure sat in a car a few spaces down from mine. I couldn’t be sure, but the
car looked familiar. Against a dark backdrop, I imagined Daniel sitting,
waiting, ready to watch over me.

--------------------------

The late afternoon sun hugged the fading sky above the buildings across
from Daniel’s office. I clung to the safety of the full-length window. Daniel
sat in a chair silently behind me waiting for me to be ready to sit and face
him. To face this new challenge that was supposed to give me a new life. I
hoped he was a patient man. I pictured him, in my mind’s eye, watching me as he
had that night in the parking lot. Had this much care and concern been given to
all his patients? I couldn’t help but hope that wasn’t the case.

I closed my eyes, taking in the last hint of warmth
radiating off the glass. I’d kept him waiting long enough, but my feet were
cemented in place. Talking to him at the bar last week under the veil of
darkness was one thing; face to face in the light of day was altogether
something else. My main fear was that I didn’t want to lie to him. Obviously I
had agreed not to lie, but in my heart, I didn’t
want
to lie to him.

After almost ten minutes, my voice gritted out a few
quiet words. “I’m sorry…I’m just…”

A scraping sound behind me penetrated the room. I
twisted my upper half to glance back. Daniel’s able arms encircled the top of
one of the large leather chairs, pulling it toward me. I should have been
embarrassed, but my lips curled up with instant awareness of this creative and
sweet gesture. Sure, it could have been some shrink instinct that caused him to
seek a solution to comfort me, but that didn’t change the result.

Daniel stuck his arm out, offering the empty chair to
me. It wasn’t turned directly facing the window, but placed at a diagonal so
that I had the option to look at Daniel or to the safety of the fading sky
light.

“Thank you,” I said as I sat.

“Of course. I want you to be comfortable, Gray.” He
sat back down in his chair. “Whatever you need to feel safe and at ease here.”

I nodded before saying, “I do.”

“If you’re not feeling comfortable talking yet, I can
start.”

“Okay.”

“Well, I’ve lived in the Napa area most of my life,
and I’m quite content to stay. I attended UC Davis, and I’ve been a practicing
psychologist for about nine years now.”

The only detail that registered with me was the number
of years he’s been practicing puts him at around his mid-thirties, which is
what he looked like.

“I love this area, too.”

I noticed a pencil in his hand and a pad in his lap. He
pulled the black glasses from his breast pocket and put them on.
Distracting
.
His hand moved to the pad, already working the pencil back and forth.
So, it
begins
.

My eyes flew to the window, scrambling for a diversion.
“So…how’s Jessie?”

I heard the smile in his voice. “Thank you for asking.
She’s doing pretty well under the circumstances. She’s a fighter and seems more
mature these days thanks to a new friendship. How is Alyssa?”

“Fine, I suppose. I’m not her mother.” I focused on a
set of birds perched on a tall oak tree. One took off in flight as the breeze
blew the tree into a wide sway. Its wings stayed open floating along with
ridges of the wind. Free. What must that feel like?

“I’m sorry. Did my question imply that I thought you
were?”

“No.” Since when are shrinks supposed to be smart
asses?

“Are you upset with Alyssa for some reason? Better
yet, can you tell me more about your relationship with her?”

The rest of the birds followed. I turned to look
straight ahead, halfway between Daniel and the window. I gave him a brief
history about how I’d met Alyssa, what I knew about her, and how we’d recently
begun to get closer.
Is he going to write down every damn thing I say
?

“In a sense, you’ve taken on a mothering role with
Alyssa?”

“Yeah, I guess. I suppose I’m not the best role model
for her,” I said, looking directly at him.

“Why would you say that?”

An over-exaggerated head nod and arched eyebrows were
my answer.

“Okay. Are you saying you’re a bad influence on
Alyssa?”

“No!”

“Do you put her at risk? Or...engage in unhealthy
activities with or around her?”

“No!” I’d kill to protect Alyssa.

“Do you…lie to her?” His inquisitive expression froze
on me.

I glanced down at intertwined fingers twisting in my
lap before popping my eyes back to Daniel. “Yes,” I said emphatically.

His gaze dropped back down to the pad as his hand
began working again. I could see that pencil would become the annoying third
wheel. I might have to plan its untimely demise.

“But…” I said before he countered. “No more than any
other parents do.” My smile showed the satisfaction from my answer.

“You seem to be extremely fond of her, yet your
response earlier felt somewhat incensed.”

“I’m not angry with her.”

“But, there are some resentful feelings there. Am I
correct?”

When I didn’t answer, he prodded me further. “Does
this have to do with her new friendship with Jessie? Are you feeling…”

“If you’re going to say jealous, that’s not it. I
guess her new friendship reminds me that Alyssa will start to find her own
space more and more. She’ll get new friends, start dating…”

“And you’ll lose that connection with her?”

I cringed inwardly.
The bastard.
He chose a
topic I wouldn’t suspect I’d get emotional about. The increase in my pulse
irritated the hell out of me. And then it hit me. I had steered the
conversation in this direction, not Daniel. I pulled in a deep breath and
sighed it out. Daniel put pencil to paper. “Really?” I shot out. “What could
you possibly have to make notes about on that?”

“Does this bother you?”

This man of few words conveyed plenty with his eyes,
his voice, his body language. I was losing control and with little effort on
his part. “Yes…is it necessary?”

He paused with feigned contemplation. “For me…it is.
At least for now. Please bear with me.” He looked down and continued his
movements as if I had no say in the matter. My mouth hung open. “You were
saying…?”

What the hell was I saying
? Between those midnight
blue eyes, the sexy black glasses, and his irritating repartee, concentration challenged
me. “I don’t remember.” That was the convenient truth. “Why don’t you read back
your transcript?” I gestured to his notepad. A startled look played across his
face before disappearing.

“We were discussing your relationship with Alyssa. Do
you worry you’ll lose that connection with her because you’re
not
her
mother.”

“Maybe…I don’t know. I don’t think that far ahead most
times.” I thrust my fingers through my hair, wondering if he was right on some
level. “It’s possible.”

“Do have feelings for Alyssa you want to share? Is
there a mothering instinct that draws you to her?”

I narrowed my eyes on him before answering. “So, you
think because my mother died I’m trying to mother Alyssa?”

Daniel set the pencil down, pulled off his glasses
with a sigh, and then rubbed the sides of his nose. “Gray, it would help us
both if you didn’t try to analyze everything I ask you.”

My cheeks flushed to scarlet. “Oh…sorry.”

“It’s okay. Try to remember I’m here to help you.” His
teeth shined at me, and he replaced his glasses. “Just leave the analyzing to
me.”

I returned the expression back to him. “Got it. No
analyzing your analyzation.”

He tilted his head and gave me a scolding expression.

“Yes,” I said flatly. “I care a great deal about
Alyssa. But, I don’t think it was ever about anything other than the fact that
she needed someone…and I was there for her. I didn’t seek her out. Hell, I
thought she was a pain in the ass when I first met her. She never shut up, was
demanding, nosy, always had some mangy, flea-ridden animal tucked somewhere on
her body. And at the same time, she was merely a sweet innocent little girl who
felt lost and alone. So, yeah, I care for her. A lot.” I wrapped my arms around
myself and let my chin fall to my chest. The pencil lead scooting around the
paper provided the only sound in the room.

“There’s nothing that says you two can’t maintain a
relationship once she becomes an adult.”

I shrugged. “If I were her, I’d want to get the hell
out of that place and start a new life.”

“Away from her mother, the apartment, and you?”

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s often true in the case of children. It’s
possible Alyssa is no different. If it’s any consolation, she tells Jessie
quite often how much you mean to her.”

Warmth surrounded my heart, causing me to break into a
wide grin. “Thank you for telling me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I don’t have that many people in my life, so I don’t
like the thought of losing Alyssa.”

“That’s understandable. Who else are you close with?”

The question stabbed my insides like someone poking a
stick at a caged animal, taunting them. I’d already been through this with Dr.
Wallace who thought I pushed people away, kept them at arm’s length, so they
couldn’t get close to me. “That depends how you define close.”

“Use your own definition. Whom do you
feel
close to?”

My eyes scanned the room and landed on his expansive
bookshelf.
I wonder how many books are there.
“No one.”

“Is that how you really feel? You just told me how
much you care about Alyssa. Wouldn’t you say you are close with her?”

“I don’t know if I know what close is. I’ve felt alone
most of my whole life. If you’d asked me who I spend time with, the answer
would have been different.”

“Okay, whom do you spend time with?”

“Besides Alyssa…there’s my boss and friend, Evyn, but
we haven’t been spending much time together as of late,
obviously
…there’s
my aunts, Becca and Barb, but that’s really more out of familial obligation…and
there’s…Nathan.”

“Nathan?” Those dark blue hues peered across the room,
landing on my dark greens. I wondered if I read more than curiosity.

“He’s a friend.”

“I gathered that much. Can you tell me something about
him?”

“Nathan is…hard to put into words. We met when we were
in AA together. That was about…four or five years ago. And, of course, being
the rebels that we were we broke one of the cardinal rules of AA.”

Daniel’s pencil froze on the pad as he listened
intently. I had dreaded talking about my relationship with Nathan, but for some
reason, sharing these inappropriately fun times made my cheeks fill and my
heart swell.

“You two got involved?”

“Does having sex mean involved?”

“Why do you think that happened?”

“Because I wanted sex, and I didn’t have a boyfriend.”

“And that’s the only reason?”

“You think we were substituting one coping mechanism
for another?”

He shook his head at my flub, and I cringed. “Sorry,
that slipped out.”

He held up a forgiving hand, and I caught a quick
glimpse of his bicep strained under his shirt.
Focus
. “Do you think you
were substituting one coping mechanism for another?”

“Maybe we were.”

“Are you in a relationship with him now?”

I scoffed, shaking my head. “Nathan and I were never
in a
relationship
.”

“You say that like it’s a bad thing. Is Nathan not
someone you’d consider being in a relationship with?”

He was firing off questions faster than a damn machine
gun
.

Before I could answer, his face lit with an idea.
“He’s not the one who—”

 “No! Nathan would never hit me.” My voice sounded
loud and agitated in the still room.

“What is it about him that makes him not
relationship
material
?”

“That’s not it,” I said lower, trying to keep control.
My defense mechanisms banged at the door, attempting to force their way inside.
It wasn’t so much the subject of Nathan as much as where it all leads. “Nathan
is an incredible man. He’s sweet, sensitive, hard-working. And it’s not like he
didn’t want…I mean, I’m just…” I sighed, frustrated and growing tired. No
longer was I inspired by nostalgia. I leaned over, resting my elbows on my
knees. I squinted over at the clock on his desk, hoping our time was over.

“Gray?”

I rose from the chair and ambled over to the window,
darkness staring me in the face. “Can we please talk about something else?”

He reached over and flipped on one of the lamps, but
it didn’t provide much light. I appreciated that. He didn’t answer my question,
so I spoke again to fill the silence. “That was our deal, right?”

“That was our deal. I hope you’ll consider coming back
to this another time. If you think about it, any subject that is difficult to
discuss is a subject we should consider discussing.”

“How very theoretical of you.”

“I’ve been known to have a few theories.”

I watched his reflection as he stared at me. Neither
of us spoke for a short time, so I figured he was waiting for me. “Any theories
about me you care to share?”

“No.”

I turned to find an unreadable face looking back at me
from across the dimly lit room. “Too early for theories?”

“Not at all,” he said. Then, he glided his pad into a
file and stood, taking me by surprise. He casually slipped his hands into his
pockets and took two confident strides in my direction. My heart thumped
against my chest at his powerful presence. “I’ve got plenty of theories about
you, Gray.” Another step left him a foot away and me with chills going down my
spine. Like a magnet, I couldn’t pull my eyes from his.
Was this some sort
of intimidation technique
? “Just none I care to share at this time,” he
said with smooth arrogance.
What did that mean
? A half-grin tugged at
his cheeks, and he reached toward me. My mouth went dry, and I swallowed. His
hand closed in on the other lamp, behind my right arm. “I’d say it’s time to
call it a night. Don’t you?” he said.