Conceived Without Sin (43 page)

She sure does,
Buzz thought.
Maybe that's what she's been holding out on me lately.

"I can see by the look in your eyes that you know she loves me, too,"
Sam surmised aloud.

"Why did she just run out of here, then, in tears?" Buzz breathed desperately, grasping at straw.

"I don't know. It's the shock."

"What did she say?" Buzz pressed.

"Nothing."

"That's just great."

Buzz stamped his cigarette out on the fancy floor. "Tell me, Sam; what's really going on here? What's the truth?"

"The truth is: I love Donna. It all makes sense now. It's like you
said, I've been idealizing Ellie from the start because she's so beautiful. I don't like this country-club lifestyle. I don't want an expensive house in Shaker Heights. I want to live on the West Side, near my friends. I want to work on computers, and I don't listen to NPR. Ellie's sucking me into a life I never wanted. She can't help it; it's the way she was raised. I need a practical woman, a woman
like Donna. Donna doesn't give a crap about appearances."

Buzz was at a loss. He was losing hope.

What if I'm wrong?
he thought.
What if Sam is meant for Donna? Who would know better than Sam?

Then he prayed:
Saint Anthony help me find the words that save souls.

"Listen to me, Sam, and listen carefully, because our friendship depends on it."

Sam turned from the shadows and looked Buzz in the eye.

"If you don't marry Ellie tomorrow, I'll never talk to you again–"

"That's absurd–"

"Just try me, Sam. I mean every word. The devil has you spinning in circles, man, with phony dreams and false loves. That's how the devil works. He always presents you with something good to take you away from something better."

"I don't believe in the devil," Sam said. "I believe in the truth. But keep talking.
I'm listening."

He's listening to me to prove his point,
Buzz thought, suddenly enlightened.
If I don't convince him now, I never will.

"Sure, Donna's always been in love with you, but you were too stupid to see it. You had your chance, a year ago, but you blew it. Love isn't a feeling. It's a decision. It's not a deal you cut. You decided for Ellie a long time ago. You made Ellie fall in love
with you."

"I don't know what you're talking about. I never made Ellie fall in love with me, she–she pursued me–"

"And you didn't ask me for advice about sending her flowers and when to call her? Give me a break."

The disgust in Buzz's voice was palpable.

"You wanted her, Sam, and you got her, just like you get everything you ever want. Things come to you. They always have. Your big contracts,
your talents; it's the 'Sam Way,' all kindness and easygoing sweet nothings. Your problem isn't Donna or Ellie; it's that you don't even know why people love you."

"You're talking in riddles, Buzz…" Sam replied uncertainly.

"So what? I always talk in riddles. You know I'm onto something.
Love is a decision."

"So can't I decide to stop loving Ellie, and decide to love Donna instead? Isn't that
what just happened out here? I'm not married yet. I was listening to my heart. You're always talking about how I should believe in things that I can't feel or touch to find God. Well I can't touch whatever it is in my heart, but it's there. It's there right now, as strong as when I first listened to it, ten minutes ago. And it says Donna, Donna, Donna."

Certainty, a concrete sureness, had returned
to Sam's voice. It was his calmness that bothered Buzz the most. It all sounded so reasonable. There was no way to reason against it. How do you reason against the heart?

Buzz sighed.
Try again. Please, God, help me.

"Sam, I know you. I know Ellie. While I was dancing with her just now, I found myself wishing I could have her, that she could be mine. Part of it was an animal desire, as strong
as any narcotic. It scared the daylights out of me. She probably didn't even realize what was happening. Should I listen to my feelings and declare that I love her, too?

"That's the kind of thinking that leads to adultery, illegitimate children, and broken hearts. 'It feels right,' people tell themselves, leaving destruction in their wakes. I know what I'm talking about. I've sailed that ship.
I've been fighting these killer demons all my life. They'll destroy your soul.

"If you persist in this craziness, you'll wake up one day, maybe soon, maybe years from now, and realize that even if you decide to stop loving Ellie tonight, you'll have destroyed yourself. You'll have destroyed the one thing that makes you special: your unwillingness to hurt another human being.

"Ellie loves you,
man. Can you break her heart? Can you? Can you! Can you break Ellen James's heart?"

"But Donna–"

"Forget Donna, you stupid sonufabitch! Think about Ellie! How can you do this to her? Didn't her mother leave her when she was a kid? What did that do to her? If you leave her now, you'll leave a gaping wound in Ellie's heart that will never heal. And that's why I won't talk to you if you call off
the wedding. I can't believe it's you saying this stuff. It's not the Sam I know."

Sam opened his mouth, then closed it. "I know what I feel inside, Buzz." His jaw was set.

Buzz closed his eyes and sighed. He felt exhausted. His round shoulders sagged.

"You're not listening to me so I'm done talking, Sam. Ten minutes ago, you were in love with Ellie. I'm going back in. Man, I wish I wasn't an
alcoholic, because I could sure use a drink right now. I'll wait for you if you want to talk some more. You've got a decision to make. Only you can make it.

"But I meant what I said. If you abandon Ellie, I'll never talk to you again. You know, I didn't like Ellie at the start. But she's grown on me. I consider her a friend. She's a good girl. She hasn't done one thing to deserve this. She loves
you."

Buzz left his friend alone.

Did you really mean it when you said you would never talk to Sam again?
Buzz asked himself as he plopped down at his table.

It doesn't matter now. You have to keep your word.

3

Sam found himself alone. He closed his eyes. Buzz's words echoed in his mind:
Love is a decision.

What's the rush?
a little voice tempted him.

"Tomorrow's the rush," he said out loud.

Then I should decide right now, tonight. Donna or Ellie.

I love Donna.

Forget Donna!

Do I love Ellie?

Love is a decision,
a voice echoed.

Should I love Ellie?

Love is a decision.

I thought Buzz would understand. I thought he would see that Ellie's not right for me. He seems pretty sure about what I should do.

Has Buzz ever steered you wrong?

It's my decision, not Buzz's.

Love is a decision.

What
about the dreams? The wrong hoop?

Only a fool pays attention to his dreams.

What about my feelings for Donna?

Feelings are like the wind. They come and they go.

Can you break Ellie's heart?

Can you?

Then, something Buzz said, which at the time seemed like just another Christian nostrum thrown into a jumble of arguments, resurfaced with perfect clarity.

That's how the devil works. He always offers
you something that looks good to take you away from something better.

Good? Better? Ellie or Donna?

No man,
looks
good!

Buzz, how did you get in my head!?

I'm your friend. And I'm not shutting up. Ten minutes ago, you were in love with Ellie. Can you love her again? Can you hurt an innocent human being?

He looked out at the shadows and lights. Which was which? He closed his eyes, and came close
to praying. He remembered looking into Ellie's eyes on the beach, the warm summer light behind her, seeing into
her
soul.

Who are you, Ellie?

The image of another man came to him. The eyes of the man in the painting. The El Greco.
Who are you?

His father's words floated into his confusion:
The faint heart never captured the fair maiden. You promised yourself.

Ellie?

Ellie is a fair maiden.

Everyone
was mystery. Even himself.

"Who are you?" Buzz asked.

I'm Sam Fisk.

It's not like you, Sam.

It's not like you…

It's not like…

Sam decided.

"Sam? Sam? Are you okay?" Edward asked.

Sam opened his eyes, then turned from the railing.

"Uh, yeah. I mean, yes, father. I'm fine."

The music had stopped.

"It's time to go now," Edward said. "You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow."

"Yes, father. I know."

+  +  +

"You don't have to tell me what happened to you if you don't want to," Ellie said finally. "I'll just wait with you here until you feel better."

"You're so kind. But don't wait for me. Go back in. People are waiting," Donna said weakly.
You're making it easy to make up my mind.
"You'll miss your party."

"The party's over," Ellie whispered sullenly. There seemed to be more than one meaning
to her statement.

"Ellie?"

Ellie looked up.

Please, God,
Donna prayed.
Please let Buzz talk some sense into Sam before this gets worse!

"Nothing happened in there." Donna tried to inject cheerfulness into her voice. "Nothing at all. I guess I just had a case of nerves. With the wedding, and my decision to go into the Poor Clares, I guess I just lost it. With the dancing and all. I've always had
a special place in my heart for Sam, you know that. I suppose I finally realized that he's part of what I'm giving up. It got to me."

The delicate muscles on Ellie's face relaxed noticeably. A thoughtful crease appeared on her forehead. She sighed.

"Please forgive me," Donna continued, unable to read Ellie's silence. "The way we were dancing… it must have looked like something it wasn't…"

"Oh
that?" Ellie waved a hand. "Forget it. You know how these dinners are. You know how men are. I was dancing up a storm with Buzz myself. He's something else. You know how men are."

No, I don't know how men are.
Ellie was very convincing.
Maybe she
does
know how to act.

"It's been a crazy summer for you, Donna. The Revco thing. This wedding. Your big decision. I admire how you're going into the
convent. You've got a lot of guts. I told you that last night. But maybe the pressure's getting to you. I know I've been stressing lately too."

"You have? You always seem so, you know, in control."

Ellie laughed. "It's all a front. Divorced kids are great actors. Every shrink will tell you that. I'm a wreck inside."

"What about Sam?"

"What about him?" Ellie asked quickly. It was almost a snap.

Donna didn't reply.
She
is
acting.

"As much as I love him," Ellie volunteered, "well, this is between you and me, girl-to-girl. Can you keep a secret?"

Donna nodded. There was a spark in Ellie's eye, a spark of anger mixed with disappointment, despite the easy breeziness in her shoulders and hands.

"You know how men are. Sam's no different. I know he's got a dark side. Divorced kids know that.
Don't we all have a dark side?"

Has she guessed what Sam told me?
Donna wondered.

"I guess we do," Donna said finally.

After a moment of silence, Ellie sat up straight, then said brightly, "Ready to go in, kiddo?"

Donna answered by standing up.

+  +  +

The dancing had stopped. Uneaten desserts had been whisked away. The tables had been cleared. It was time to go.

Ellie and Donna came in from the
suddenly chilly night. Buzz saw the redness in Donna's eyes. He took her by the arm.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed tone.

"Yes, I'm fine," she said with a sniff.

Edward and Sam said their good-byes to the other guests. Buzz watched Sam carefully, looking for clues.

Sam and Ellie walked alone over to the balcony and came back a moment later.

There was no expression on her face: no happiness,
no disappointment. After giving Sam a formal hug and kiss, she left with Bucky and Mrs. Macpherson.

Buzz said to Sam and Donna: "Let's go to the gazebo. One last conversation for the old gang."

A minute later, they were at the gazebo. Sam asked Buzz and Donna to sit on the lone bench. He stood before them, directly under the light, shadows on the sharp features of his face.

"Buzz, I want you to
hear this," Sam said, looking at Donna.

"Just get it over with," Buzz said, overcome with pessimism.

Sam shook his head. "It's not what you think. I'll keep it short."

The tall man took a deep breath.

"Donna," he began earnestly, "I owe you an apology. Please forgive me for what I said on the balcony. Forget it, if you can–"

Donna opened her mouth to speak.

"–No Donna. Don't say anything. I was
wrong. I had no right to say such a thing. If you can forgive me, I'll be forever grateful."

The words came out of his mouth like shells thrown into the ocean.

I love you!
The alien word was still in Sam's heart. He ignored it.

Buzz listened in amazement.

"I forgive you," Donna said, not looking him in the eye.

"I can't make you do anything, but I would ask that you never mention this to Ellie.
Have you told her anything?"

"I haven't told her," Donna said woodenly. "And I won't ever tell her. I'll chalk the whole thing up to you having the jitters."

Sam stopped himself from responding.
It wasn't the jitters!

"Thank you, Donna," he said formally, nodding.

He turned to Buzz.

"Thank you. You're a true friend. I don't have anything else to say." His voice began to crack.

Sam turned and walked
off the grounds to the parking lot before they could think of a response. They watched him get into his Honda and drive away.