Confessions of a Military Wife (16 page)

Beenie drove down early to help me prepare for the party. She and Lloyd also planned on spending the night with us.

As I was getting things ready, I noticed she kept calling Lloyd on his cell phone. She told me that he had gone golfing with a bunch of higher-ranking Marine Corps judges.

I was not concerned about any “Grunt/Pogue” rivalry during the party because these guys had gone through TBS together. That rugged Marine infantry training can result in some serious bonding. Some of it borders on what wives call, “Brokeback TBS.” We have heard stories of guys sleeping as close together as possible (cuddling?) while in the field during the long Virginia winters.

To these stories, Marines respond, “What happens in the field, stays in the field.”

Beenie was getting more and more concerned as the afternoon wore on. Lloyd finally arrived, but he was drunk as a skunk when a friend dropped him off.

I had a feeling it was going to be a long night because Beenie was HOT! After some arguing, she made him take a nap in the hope that he would sleep it off. I did not want to embarrass her further, so we didn’t tell Jon or any guest that Lloyd was passed out drunk in the guest room. Big mistake!

The party was going along smoothly. We were talking about the last few months of training and were starting to get to know the single Marines a little better.

We were well into a gag gift exchange when we heard a racket at the back of the room. There was Lloyd standing on one of my kitchen chairs. He was waving a fondue stick and had a mouth full of cheese.

He started yelling, “Any of you Grunt motherf∗∗∗∗∗s think you can take a Pogue, why don’t you just?”

And then Lloyd fell off the chair.

We all looked at each other. Can you say “uncomfortable moment”? Keep in mind, most of these guys had no idea that Lloyd was even at the party since they had not seen him since TBS.

They all had looks plastered on their faces that said, “Who was this random stranger at the Gross’ threatening to fight?” I felt bad for Beenie, who by this time was starting to cry.

Jon jumped up to help Lloyd, who had landed in the Christmas tree water. Jon and Carl pulled him out and carried him back to bed.

I have to say my house full of Grunts handled the threat very well. There could have been a rumble. On the other hand, maybe it was the Christmas spirit that kept them in check.

After Lloyd’s appearance, the party took a wild turn. The next thing I knew, my theatrical wigs had been pulled out of the closet as well as my hats and fur coats.

Before I knew it I had about seven drunk 2nd Lieutenants in drag posing for pictures on my couch. I have been sworn to secrecy, so I won’t tell you who they were. I will tell you this: my husband was wearing a pink cowboy hat. These Grunts know who they are and they each have copies of the photos—
but I have the negatives
. :)

I’m not so sure that what happens in the field really does stay in the field.

The harbor is just outside the gates of Del Mar. Every Christmas we would bundle up in coats and blankets and go down to watch the Harbor Lights Parade. All the boats are decorated with lights and carry men dressed as Santas.

For this event, Autumn would fill a thermos with hot buttered rum using a recipe she’d gotten from her mom. It was supposed to keep us warm and feeling festive. There is nothing more sweet or warm than her hot buttered rum, which tastes like warm butterscotch.

My husband fell in love with this beverage. I watched him finish two cups while standing in her kitchen. After that he filled his thermos and mine up to the top with this buttery grog.

However, I decided to switch over to hot chocolate because I didn’t want to have to find a bathroom while we were watching the parade.

At the harbor we watched the yachts and tiny tugs decked out for Christmas. As everyone was enjoying a light buzz from the buttered rum, I noticed my husband starting to turn a little green. It was then I figured out that Jon had polished off both thermoses of hot buttered rum.

I alerted Autumn. We did the math. Jon had ingested about four sticks of butter, six cups of sugar, and at least one cup of rum! We told him we thought it would be best if he stayed away from the Christmas fudge and cookies.

When he absorbed the reality of all he had ingested, Jon agreed to lay off the sweets and then walked off to puke.

Hot buttered rum and “butter bars” don’t mix.

This is an extremely touchy subject. When dealing with your extended family, married couples need to remember that it’s OK to do things differently from your families. In fact, Jon and I had to come to terms with the fact our respective families’ traditions were not wrong, just different.

Every family has its own quirks, traditions, and priorities. The beauty of being married is that you get to start your own family traditions. Define your new family by looking at your families of origin and deciding what traditions, values, and priorities you want to repeat, and which you want to ditch.

I believe the biggest challenge in the first year of marriage is defining your new family. It is especially difficult in the military because the government makes the priorities for you so you and your spouse have to work with what’s left. If you don’t focus on that little bit that is your own, you can get very lost—quickly.

One of the big mistakes Jon and I made during our first years of marriage was to devote our vacations and down time to our extended families. I think the shock of living so far from both families coupled with the stress of the war made us think we needed to spend all of our time with them.

In hindsight, I think we overdid it. We should have taken time for ourselves and created our own family traditions. Honestly, at that time none of us knew if Jon would come home from these deployments. We all wanted every minute with him.

So many problems with the extended family arise in military families. Those problems included in-laws unwilling to support the marriage, wanting to be on hand for farewells and reunions, showing up uninvited, and arguing over where everyone would spend the holidays.

It seems to be a trend in the military to see disconnects or strife between the service man and his family.

A lot of military personnel come from a family tradition of military service. However, I really think a lot of men and women join the service to have a sense of belonging and to be a part of a new family. Joining the military is a way to create a new family, find a sense of belonging, and serve your country.

It seemed during our time on base that nearly every other couple was experiencing some turmoil with extended family. Family squabbles on top of prepping for war is just too much unnecessary stress.

I saw Marines who came from unhealthy homes try to reach out one last time in an effort to make things right. More often than not the effort blew up in their face and caused a lot of grief for their wives during the deployment.

Whether you’re military or not and you’re having issues with your extended family or friends, start by setting boundaries. Be polite. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes before reacting to a situation. Try to understand what they are thinking or feeling. And take responsibility for what you may have done to create the strife.

Finally, and most importantly, you and your spouse must preserve the sanctity and respect of your own family. When facing the reality of war, you do not need other distractions.

Military wives can act as the filter, deciding what their husbands need to deal with during their deployments and career. These women have made great sacrifices to be with their men on this journey. Military wives need to remember, when dealing specifically with a mother-in-law, that you both love this man. It is not about your husband or son choosing who he loves more. It is about making life for the service member easier as he prepares for a life of duty to his country.

Wives, what a great gift you give your husband to keep peace in the family by being polite and kind the few times a year that they visit. If there is an issue with your mother-in-law, your husband should take care of it for you.

Extended family can be like civilians in the sense that they may not understand your lifestyle, priorities, and values. It is up to you as a family to handle what you can control. It will take some time, but as everyone adjusts to the lifestyle and becomes aware of everyone’s stresses, you will, hopefully, be able to get along.

Bottom line: nothing or no one should be allowed to act in a destructive manner to your family. You and your husband have to set boundaries appropriately. It can take years to build a relationship with the extended or civilian family, but once you do, it can be very rewarding. Maybe you won’t be the best of friends, but you could at least get to the point where you sincerely enjoy each other’s presence and enjoy a true love.

When I first met my husband I noticed that his head was partly shaved, which signified to everyone that he’s a military man.

It was not until I questioned why he always cut our weekend visits short that I fully understood the grooming necessities of men in uniform.

Jon explained that he had to get his hair cut every week. He assured me that if he did not, he would be subjected to the wrath of his commanding officer.

This fact did not really seem like a good enough reason for him to leave me so early on a Sunday. I mean he is a Marine. He could deal with a little yelling. Wasn’t I worth it?

That’s when he confessed that a certain barbershop inside Quantico run by women from Okinawa closed early on Sundays. That’s why he had to leave early, so he could get back in time for one of their haircuts. I kept pushing and discovered that after the haircut they would give him a head and shoulder massage.

I went wild with jealousy and hit the roof. “A six-dollar haircut and massage was worth leaving ME!?” I screamed.

So we went to the Wal-Mart and purchased a set of clippers so I could give him his Sunday evening haircuts. Now you ask yourself, “How can a person mess up shaving another person’s head?” Easy—I was what you could call a beauty school drop-out.

For the sake of love, my soon-to-be husband suffered through my bad haircuts, gave up massages, and got even more heat from his commanding officers over his hack job haircuts.

But, I was not the only person who thought they could master becoming a barber without training.

Beenie told me stories of Lloyd trying to shave his own head. He insisted he could do as good a job as any barber. One Sunday he managed to electrocute himself and nick his ear—all in an effort to save six bucks.

You can usually tell a person’s MOS, the branch he serves in, or sometimes his rank, by the Jarhead style he sports. Many Marines had a unique style of Jarhead based on their personal preference.

There is the “Low Reg,” which is usually sported by Navy and Air Force personnel. This is clean-cut short hair with a very light buzzing around the back of the neck.

This haircut is also grown by a service man approaching his End of Active Duty Service date. And it is favored by retirees who do not want to let go of the glory days. When worn by a Marine, it is viewed by peers as a little slack.

The “High and Tight,” a Marine Corps standard, is an aggressive haircut—intimidating and non-approachable. It is the antithesis of the “low reg.” The High and Tight is also how most Marines like their women’s private parts, which is a little ridiculous. Like the Marines, it can only be pulled off by the few and the proud without looking extremely threatening.

My personal favorite is the “Med-Reg,” which my husband wore for years and is quite handsome. It’s a stately haircut, with definite substance on top and around the sides. It’s all about the fade with this style—clean and crisp sides and smooth shaven in the back.

It’s a less intimidating haircut than the high and tight. It’s approachable, friendly and yet it still demands respect.

Those working closely with civilians or the media usually wear this style of Jarhead cut since it makes the man appear approachable.

There is one style that I believe is out of control. It’s typically only worn by the most militant of service men—either Majors or above or those men who aspire to wear medals on their dress blues.

In the “Horseshoe” cut, the head is shaved from the base of the skull all the way up—stopping just past the crown. What remains is a horseshoe shape of hair around the front of the face. It looks like they placed a horseshoe on a Marine’s head and shaved around it.

This hair cut is technically forbidden in the manuals, but that doesn’t stop the fierce commitment to style sought after by those wanting their look to be “squared away” and “locked on.”

All Marines who have a Horseshoe cut are the same. Don’t shake their hands. They will crush your fingers with their grasp. Horseshoe Marines are a force unto themselves. They only speak in acronyms, so don’t even try to communicate with them. Horseshoe Marines think nothing is funny—unless they said it. It’s all business with these fierce fighters. Indeed that haircut could scare away the enemy from miles away.

The shaved head is sported by men on deployment who either cannot deal with stopping to get a haircut or men going bald. This is a focused Jarhead style and, to me, it’s a no-nonsense look.

While it’s not favored by wives, it’s much better than a Horseshoe. One last thought: make sure you have a nicely shaped head before you shave your hair off.

Now, when picking your style of jarhead flare, it’s also important to consider the barber. You may be able to control this, particularly if there’s a long line and a “churn and burn” system on the weekends.

Men, if you choose to have a delightful Asian woman cut your hair and give you a massage, you better keep it to yourself or that arrangement won’t last long once your wife finds out.

I have also heard horror stories of husbands taking the matter into their own hands. As we learned earlier from my failed attempts, it’s better to pay a professional. It’s only six bucks, for God’s sake!