Confessions of an Ugly Girl (14 page)

“It doesn’t seem fun to me,” I grumbled. I knew I was sounding like a bitch, but it’s hard to turn off the actuary in me.

Sam leaned forward and kissed me on the nose. “Well, maybe I need to
show
you why it’s fun.”

I doubted I’d ever be able to find fun in something as pointless as gambling, but then again, everything I did with Sam was pretty fun.

We made arrangements to fly to Vegas. Sam really wanted to drive, but it was just way too far for a weekend trip. He told me when he gambles, he usually goes to Reno, which is closer, but he really wanted me to see Vegas. I found it mildly disturbing when he said how often he’d been to Reno. I had no idea Sam gambled so much. Among the pack of losers I dated in the last ten years or so, several of them appeared to have gambling problems. One of them was calling up his bookie in the middle of our second date. If you can’t get through a two-hour date without placing a bet, that’s a problem.

We booked tickets to fly to Vegas after Sam looked at a map and couldn’t figure out any way to drive there in a reasonable amount of time. He loves to drive, which is weird to me, since that’s how he got hurt, but I also sort of understand. California is so accessible to cars, but not so much to guys in wheelchairs, so when he’s driving, he doesn’t have to worry about looking for ramps or little blue wheelchair signs. I kind of feel the same way about driving, since nobody can really see me or knows what I look like.

(Yet I still don’t love to drive. I think it’s because I have terrible hand-eye coordination.)

I convinced Sam to let me pay for my own plane ticket. It wasn’t easy because he really wants to pay for everything. I think he dated a lot of girls who didn’t have much money, but I can pay for my plane ticket and my food and it’s not a big deal. I make good money.

When we got to the airport, I found out why Sam hates to fly so much. He basically has to check his wheelchair like luggage. The stewardess ended up having to wheel him to his seat in this narrow little chair called an aisle chair. I asked Sam if they ever lost his wheelchair during a flight, because I’ve lost my bags a bunch of times, and he just made a face at me. Finally, he admitted that a few years ago when he was coming back from Ohio to visit his parents, his wheelchair went to Alaska. “That really sucked,” he added.

Sam was stuck in his seat through the plane ride, but luckily, it was a very short ride. We caught a cab to our hotel and I almost died when I saw the room. Whatever money Sam had saved by not paying for my plane ticket was clearly sunk into this hotel room. It was
amazing
. Sam grinned when he saw my face. “Nice, right?”

“Oh God. What did this cost?”

“Don’t worry,” he said, “if I lose enough money at the poker tables, I’m sure they’ll comp us the room.”

It was time for dinner, but I had to go around and admire the room for a little while. It was gigantic, with a view of the entire Vegas strip from the window, and there was a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. I’ve never been in a Jacuzzi and the thought of going in there with Sam made me all tingly.

We skipped past the buffet dinners and Sam took me to a fancy restaurant, which was also achingly expensive. Sam doesn’t take me to cheap restaurants most of the time, but these prices literally made me gasp. But it was so romantic, getting a little private table with candles on it. Sam looked so cute in the candlelight, all pleased with himself for picking the place.

“You should get the lobster,” he told me. “I read the reviews for this place and they said it’s unparalleled.”

“Are you getting a lobster?”

“Me?” Sam snorted and held up his hands. “You really want to see me attempt to crack open a lobster? I don’t think so. Besides, I’m a man. I have to get a steak or else you won’t respect me.”

I looked around the restaurant, at all the candles and couples slobbering all over each other. And a thought hit me: is Sam going to
propose
?

He’d been making so many hints about the future and now we were here in romantic Vegas in this super romantic restaurant. What if he was planning to ask me to marry him? This was definitely the place to do it. My stomach turned into a little knot.

The lobster was delicious. And Sam declared that his steak was pretty good as well. But it was hard to enjoy the food when I kept wondering if my boyfriend had a ring tucked away somewhere. He was looking at me like maybe he did.

After the waiter took away our plates, Sam smiled at me. “Millie,” he said. “Would you...”

My heart started to pound. My mouth felt dry. I could almost hear him saying the words. If he asked me, would I say yes? I think so. But there was still a small part of me that wasn’t completely certain.

“Would you like to get another glass of wine?” he said.

Relief flooded through me. “Yes,” I said. “Definitely.”

One more glass of wine turned into two. When we got to the hotel room, Sam and I were both pretty buzzed, and we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, even more than usual. I rode in his lap down the hall and he was so anxious, he couldn’t get the keycard to open the door to the room. He kept dropping it. I gave it a try and finally, on my fourth attempt, we got in.

We ended up having the most intense sex of our entire relationship. Sam wanted me so bad that when he was faced with the buttons on my shirt, he ripped through them with his teeth. That was a first. He laughed and told me sorry, but then went back to licking and sucking on my skin and getting under my bra. On my part, I focused on the things Sam loves, like sucking on his earlobes. Sam goes totally wild when I suck on his earlobes.

When I say we had sex, I mean he went down on me and I did things for him. We do have regular P-in-V intercourse, but not as much as the other stuff. It seems to frustrate Sam a little bit that he doesn’t have much control, and as I’ve said before, he gives amazing oral sex. I came harder than I’ve ever come in my entire life.

“You want to go again?” Sam asked me afterwards, as he lay beside me. “I think there are a few old deaf people in the casino who might not have heard you.”

I smacked him and he laughed at me. Then I took him up on his offer.

The next day, Sam did a little gambling. He played poker in the casino of our hotel and I hung around and watched. I was worried that I might cramp his style, but he assured me he wanted me to stay. “You’re my eye candy,” he said.

He seemed pretty good. I don’t know anything about poker, but he looked like he was winning money. As far as I know, he hadn’t been to a casino while we were dating, but he seemed pretty experienced at the game. I suspected he’d played a lot. “You ever lose your shirt?” I asked him.

“No, believe me, nobody wants to see me with my shirt off,” he replied with a grin. More seriously, he said, “I don’t bet what I can’t afford.”

It seemed like Sam was more interested in having fun than anything, so I concluded he probably didn’t have a gambling problem. Actually, what he was even better at than poker was flirting with the waitresses. I wouldn’t say that Sam is a huge flirt or anything, but he always flirts with waitresses and they always flirt back. It’s like his biggest weakness. I remember him saying that Holly was a waitress and that doesn’t surprise me at all. I tried not to let it bother me, even though the waitresses at the casino were really attractive.

That night, Sam suggested we give the Jacuzzi a go. I’ve never been in a Jacuzzi before. I was psyched, but I was also kind of nervous. I had been fiddling with the light switch in the bathroom and I couldn’t get it to dim. So there were only two options: bright lights or complete darkness. We couldn’t exactly be in the Jacuzzi in complete darkness, so we were stuck with bright lights.

It’s not like Sam and I hadn’t seen each other naked a hundred times before, but not in that kind of harsh light. It made me nervous. When I look at myself naked in the light of my bedroom, it’s not flattering. I didn’t want Sam to see me like that.

Also, I have put on so much weight recently. When I think about it, I honestly want to cry. I actually bought my first pair of plus-size jeans last week. It’s getting harder and harder to believe his story about how he thinks my body is beautiful.

My solution was to get undressed really quickly while Sam was in the other room and lower myself into the water before he got in. Even with the harsh lights, most of my body was concealed and distorted by the water. “The water’s ready,” I called to Sam.

He wheeled into the bathroom and he was naked too. As I said, I’ve seen Sam naked a hundred times before, but never in this kind of light. When he’s sitting in his wheelchair, fully dressed, he more or less just looks like a normal guy in a wheelchair. But sitting there naked, his body completely exposed from his curled hands to his atrophied legs, he really looked crippled. I remember in grade school, there were some kids in the special classes who had cerebral palsy, and I couldn’t help but think of that. I had to look away.

“What’s wrong?” Sam asked.

“Um,” I said. I couldn’t tell him the truth.

I think he knew, though. He had an idea what he looked like. “Do you want me to get dressed?” he asked. “We don’t have to do this.”

I instantly felt really guilty. Sam is always going on and on about how sexy I am, even though I obviously am not sexy at all. What would it say about me if I couldn’t overlook some flaws in his body?

“No, come on in,” I said.

Sam grinned at me and carefully lowered himself into the water, feet first. Submerged in the water, he looked like his usual very adorable self again. I crawled across the Jacuzzi and lowered myself on top of him. And let’s just say, I can cross “sexy time in a Jacuzzi” off my list of things I’ve never done.

On our last day in Vegas, Sam and I went to the wax museum. I don’t remember too much of it, considering Sam kept pulling me into his lap to make out. Honestly, I’ve never dated a guy who couldn’t keep his hands off me like this. He’s so affectionate. It’s really flattering.

The crazy thing about Vegas is the number of wedding chapels. It’s almost hard to get out of Vegas without getting married. Sam noticed me eying the chapels. “Getting any ideas?”

“No,” I lied.

“Too bad,” he said. He was smiling, but there was also something serious about him. Despite my reservations, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside that he actually was thinking about marrying me and sharing a future with me. This was all a first for me. All the guys I’d been out with before just acted like they were killing time with me, trying to get laid on the way. Sam isn’t like that. Even from the beginning, he always let me know that he was very serious about me. About us.

Sam drove me to my apartment from the San Francisco airport and here I am, gushing about my trip instead of getting a good night’s sleep.

December 27:

I couldn’t tolerate another holiday with my parents so I let Sam talk me into coming to Ohio to see his parents for Christmas (plus I’m Jewish so it’s not like Christmas is a big deal). I’ve never been to Ohio before. In fact, I’ve never been anywhere in the Midwest. I’ve been to New York and once to Boston and then DC, but other than that, I’ve stayed around California. Most people think it’s weird that I’ve traveled so little, but I just don’t get that excited about traveling. However, even if I did travel a lot, I don’t think Ohio would have been high up there on my list of places to visit. Sorry, Ohio.

We flew in together and Sam rented a car, but he couldn’t get one with hand controls. I get this feeling that they don’t make cars with hand controls in Cleveland. (Okay, I’ll stop bashing Ohio now.) Don’t laugh at me but I’d never driven in snow before and I was terrified. At one point, I attempted to stop at a light and the car just kept going. Sam tried to reassure me, but he seemed nervous too. Thank God we got in really early and there wasn’t much traffic.

When we made it to Sam’s parents’ house alive, we made a pact not to drive again for the rest of the trip. We were only going to be there for two days, so we decided we’d just stay at the house.

The Webbers’ house was huge. In Silicon Valley, it would cost a fortune to get a house like that, but around here it was probably pretty reasonable. I don’t think they’re rich or anything. There was a ramp installed to get to the front door, and there were little white pellets on the ramp which Sam explained to me was salt to melt the ice. I read once that more than 10% of the world’s salt is used to de-ice American roads, but I’d never actually seen it in action.

Sam was amused I knew so little about snow. He made a few cracks about California girls. Hey, at least I’d
seen
snow before and I know what it is. I didn’t say to him, “Hey Sam, why are there mashed potatoes all over your parents’ yard?”

Sam’s mom Jean looked so incredibly happy to see me. She hugged me and kissed me, and gushed about my outfit, which was nothing special. She asked me if I had lost weight, which was so untrue it was almost embarrassing. Still, it was nice of her to make me feel so welcome.

The other thing I found interesting is that when we got there, Sam’s dad just led us to “our” room. He didn’t ask if it was okay for us to share or look worried about it... he just assumed we wanted to share a room and that was that. Yes, Sam is 34 and obviously an adult, but my mother would rather slit her wrists than let the two of us share a room in her house.