Connection (Le Garde) (4 page)

I let out a breath, forcing myself to focus on my original task. Finding Aaron. He was nearby. I walked past the young adult books, past an art display of clay sculptures, and his presence slowly grew stronger in my mind. His nervousness about the meeting today, his excitement to see me, and a lingering sense of something else.
 
.
 
.regret?

I found him sitting at a table next to the water fountain, looking down at a worn copy of
1984
. Sometimes, I snuck up on Steven and scared him, but that would never be possible with Aaron.

He looked up and smiled at me. “Hey.”

I set my bag down on the table. “That was easy.”

“
What was easy?”

“
Finding you.” I sat down.

“
What do you mean?” Aaron asked, pushing his brown hair out of his gaze.

I shrugged. “I practically walked straight here.”

He smiled, and I could feel his rush of pleasure from that news. I dug
1984
out of my bag, avoiding his eyes.  “So.
 
.
 
.” I trailed off. “How do you want to do this?”

He thumbed through the school book, the smile still on his face. “Well, it’s already making a difference, you being here.” He pulled a folder out of his backpack and found Mrs. Hart’s weekly questions.

I tucked a stray curl behind my ear and pursed my lips. “Weren’t you supposed to turn that in today?” 

“
Better late than never. And I haven’t turned in the last two.”

“
Have you read the book?”

He shook his head as he tossed away a pen that didn’t work. “Only bits and pieces. But I don’t need to when you have.
 
.
 
.three times?”

I frowned. “But you really should. You should experience it for yourself, you know. What if she calls on you in class?”

“
I’ll take lots of notes,” Aaron said.

“
But it’s an amazing book.” I looked at my copy of
1984.
My own copy was marked up and dog-eared and everything. “It’s a classic for a reason.”

I felt Aaron’s annoyance grow before he sighed and said, “Fine.” He picked up the book, flipping to the last page. He frowned, and his shoulders drooped. “268 pages.” 

“
That’s not very long at all.” I paused. There had to be a compromise because he really didn’t want to read it. Why wasn’t my love for books transmitted to him? It didn’t work that way. I couldn’t make Aaron like something he didn’t; he just knew the things I knew, knew what I was feeling. “Why don’t you just read this week’s portion? It should all make sense, since I know what’s already happened.”

Aaron hesitated.

“
Think about the band, Aaron.”

He met my eyes, his surprise emanating from him. I didn’t care about the band, of course, especially when Jordan was a third of it, but Aaron did. He cared about it enough to come to me. It kind of hurt, actually, that his slipping grades were the thing that had brought us back together after months of not talking.

He felt that hurt, and I could tell he was turning something over in his head, considering what to say, what not to say. He finally just mumbled, “Okay, I’ll read this week’s stuff.”

I tried not to show my disappointment—not that it mattered, since he could feel it, anyway. Maybe I could do my own homework while we were here. I chewed on my lip as he opened up to a certain page.

He glanced over at me. “What do you want to ask?”

“
I.
 
.
 
.well.
 
.
 
.” I really hadn’t wanted to do this, but I struggled with my Algebra 2 homework all weekend. And now, being in his presence, I realized what I was doing wrong.

“
Go ahead,” Aaron said, motioning to my bag.

“
Thanks,” I muttered. I pulled out my algebra book and graph paper.

We sat in silence as he did his Composition homework and me my Algebra 2 work. I could feel him in my head, asking about Winston and Julia, and I went searching for answers about sine and cosine. It was almost like we were back in middle school. If we weren’t older, if the work wasn’t harder, if he hadn’t grown more attractive, if I hadn’t turned him down, if I had never gone out with Jordan, etc., etc., etc.

It was about an hour later when I finished my math homework and part of my government homework. Aaron sat back with a satisfied feeling. “Nice. I did this week’s questions, too.”

I smiled. “Wow. I’m impressed. You want to do US Government and History?”

“
Seriously, why do we have to take that class?” Aaron asked, throwing up his hands. “Let’s just take a break.”

A break. Did that consist of us talking? I looked down at my government book, chewing on my lip. Probably feeling my uncertainty, Aaron said, “Why don’t you recommend me some books?”

I laughed. “You just argued with me about reading two chapters of that.” I motioned to
1984.

“
Well, it’s old, it moves slowly, it has words I’ve never even heard of,” Aaron said. “What about some modern books?”

“
All right. Let’s go over to the young adult section.”

We walked past the clay sculptures again, and Aaron looked on them with disdain. He thought he could do better art. He probably could, honestly. Nothing against the clay artist, but it looked too much like what Allie came home from school with.

“
Remember those piñatas we had to make in freshman year?” I asked.

Aaron’s face brightened. “Yeah! I made the boot, and you made the star.”

I laughed. “And mine lasted way too long because it was too hard.”

“
I remember Kaylie going red in the face trying to beat that thing.”

We laughed, and it felt good to feel his amusement blending with my own. It had been so long since I’d felt that. I remember the laughing fits we’d get into, how neither of us could stop laughing, our stomachs hurting, tears streaming down our cheeks.

I started to show him some of my favorite books that the library had. Some I knew weren’t his style, and I recommended others to him. He made fun of one cover, said another wasn’t something he’d read, but the third he took.

The fourth one was one of my favorites. I pulled it off the shelf and held it up. “This one is amazing, practically changed my life.”

“
Does she die in the end?” Aaron asked indignantly.

My mouth fell open. “You can—you know the ending?”

Aaron tapped the side of my forehead and shocked me. “Ouch!” we said in unison. I raised my hand to my forehead; the shock was violent compared to most small twinges.

“
That was crazy,” Aaron said, shaking his hand. 

I put the book in his hand. Our fingers grazed each another, and another shock ran between us. “Ow, stop that!” I said.

He threw up his hands. “Oh, right, let me just turn off my static electricity.”

I rolled my eyes. “Anyways, it’s a great book. Even the ending. I think you’d like it.” I dropped my voice. “I better stop thinking about it, or you’ll know everything about it.”

Aaron looked at the cover with interest. “I think I already do.”

“
Well, that’s no fun.” I frowned. “I should just send you the titles in an e-mail or something.”

“
Can’t hide anything from me,” Aaron said with a playful tone.

I tensed. Like I wanted to be reminded of that. Like my connection with him didn’t totally freak me out. I started biting my lip again. I was going to cut my lip open if I wasn’t careful. “You want to get that Government homework out of the way?” 

“
Yep,” Aaron said, and he trailed behind me as we went back to the table.

Some time later, I took out my phone. “It’s five already?” I started to put away my books. Who would have thought you could lose track of time while doing homework? Our knowledge combined together, though, made the homework interesting rather than boring. “I should go. My mom will start to worry. I told her I’d be home by now.”

“
Want me to give you a ride?” Aaron asked, cleaning up his things.

I hesitated. I didn’t want to be too late, but another ride with Aaron? A lecture from my mom, or another twenty minutes with him? It wasn’t
him
, it was us, collectively, that made me uncomfortable. “Okay, sure,” I said reluctantly.

“
You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Aaron stood up and swung his backpack on his shoulder. I could feel his hurt like it was my own.

Gosh, how did I ever do this before? At times, it felt as natural as breathing, and other times, like right now, I swore I’d do anything to get rid of it. “No, it’s fine,” I said, meeting his eyes. “I’d like a ride.”

We walked downstairs, both of us checking out a book—okay, I checked out two—and we went to his car in the lot. “Mitch never uses this thing?” I asked.

“
Not before seven o’clock,” Aaron said before ducking inside and unlocking the door for me. Once I got in, he added, “Well, he picks up applications every now and then.”

“
He still doesn’t have a job?”

“
No, not yet.” Aaron started the ignition. A classic rock station came on, and he turned it down before pulling out of his spot. The Who played quietly as he left the library parking lot.

After a moment, for lack of something better to say, I asked about his older sister, Tara.

“
She’s fine,” he said with a shrug. “Living in San Francisco with her boyfriend.”

“
Oh, when did she move there?” I’d liked Tara. Well, not in middle school, when she used to think we were the most annoying people on the planet. But by the time she graduated and we went into high school, she’d chilled out.

“
Last summer. She visited for Christmas, of course. I was thinking about staying with her over Spring Break.”

“
Hey, that’s weird, Steven and I were going to go to San Francisco over Spring Break. We were going to visit his cousin and hang out for a few days.” I’d actually been trying to talk my mom into it. I think she was going to let me because she liked Steven and she was starting to trust me a little bit more. She wouldn’t let me get rides home with friends after school, but she’d let me go out of town for a few days with my senior boyfriend. Yeah, I didn’t get it, either.

The news disconcerted Aaron. He just nodded and said, “That’s cool.”

We fell silent for a moment, and I wasn’t sure what to say. He was thinking about me and Steven, wondering if we’d had sex. I crossed my arms and stared out the window. “That’s none of your business.”

“
What?” Aaron asked.

A small part of me was aware that that was another very specific thought—one that reminded me of the other day at the lacrosse game. But the rest of me was warm with indignation.  “I said it’s none of your business whether we’ve had sex or not. And if you’re thinking about it because of what Jordan said—”

“
What?” Aaron snapped. “Of course not!”

I didn’t think he was lying, but we’d lied to each other before and gotten away with it. “You could just leave a huge box of condoms on my desk, if you’re so concerned.”

“
Anna,” Aaron said, stung. But still nothing compared to how I felt when I opened the neatly-wrapped present and the things fell out, all over my desk, into my lap. “It was just a simple thought. It had nothing to do with the shit Jordan said about you.”

I let out a shaky breath. “Fine. I’m sorry.”

“
And I had no idea about that box,” Aaron added quietly.

“
But you didn’t do anything about it, either,” I replied, my eyes fixed on the window. I didn’t really see the buildings we were driving past, the cars passing us, I just stared at a small spot on the window. I could feel Aaron’s guilt, and it made me feel good. Was that wrong of me? I didn’t know.

It took him a moment to respond. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice just as quiet. “Carmen was a bitch. I’m really glad she moved.”

I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful for the apology or upset that he shifted the blame to Carmen. Of course, Carmen was the one who did it and the one who fueled the fire that Jordan started. But Aaron had been my best friend at one point, and he hadn’t done anything, just because I’d turned him down when he asked me to the Homecoming dance. Okay, I’d also dated Jordan for a couple months. But after we broke up, I was miserable because of Jordan and Carmen, and Aaron never stuck up for me. Not once. Not that I knew of, at least. I almost wanted to ask him, but I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I kind of wanted to get away from him now. I hated that he probably knew how I felt about all this.

At the same time I was feeling angry thinking about everything, he was feeling guilty and also a little angry, though I have no idea where the anger was coming from. As if my own feelings weren’t confusing enough, I had to deal with Aaron’s, too.