Conquest (35 page)
He eased out of bed and went to his closet where he retrieved a Chicago Bears T-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants. He headed to the bathroom, brushed his teeth, and got ready for a run. After leaving Brandon a note, he left the apartment, started some preliminary stretches in the elevator, and walked to his car while stretching his arms over his head and bending to the side. He drove down to Grant Park, finished stretching in the parking lot, then hit the trails.
He set a faster pace for himself than usual. With each stride, his head pounded Evan’s name. Why did he feel like he betrayed him? He hadn’t done anything, and even if he had picked up a guy, so what? Evan was the one who dumped him. It was time he moved on. So why did he feel guilty? Why had he felt during the drive to Boystown that he was making a mistake?
He had wanted to prove to himself he could do things like he used to, that he was the same person he was before Evan. But he wasn’t. It was all different now. He could never go back. He wished he could. He wanted more than anything to be able to flirt and hook-up without conscience, without regret.
He let out a hard breath as he ran. That wasn’t true. What he really wanted, more than each breath he took into his body, was to be held by the same man every night, to know his body, his voice, his movements, his thoughts, better than his own. He wanted Evan, and only Evan. The one person he couldn’t have, would never have again.
The realization hitting fresh made his stomach roil. His vision blackened for an instant, and he stumble hard. He tried to catch himself, knowing he couldn’t, and crashed to the sidewalk, skinning the heels of both hands and left elbow. He lay still, fighting back threatening tears. He drew his knees under himself and leaned his weight forward on his shaking arms, sweat dripping from his hair.
Something soft brushed against his right arm. He startled back, whipping his head in the direction of the touch. A puppy skittered away from him, looking at him with wary eyes. Jesse stared at it. He shook his head and sat back on his heels to inspect his injuries. He gazed down at his scraped hands, then out the corner of his eye, saw the puppy’s shadow inching closer to him. Cautiously, the dog stretched its neck out to sniff him.
Jesse slowly moved his right arm toward it, stopping a halffoot away. He remained motionless and was rewarded by a wet nose bumping over his hand and arm. He couldn’t help but smile when its bushy tail wagged. Then as if it had instantly decided it liked him, the puppy marched forward and stood staring at him with an expectant look.
Jesse laughed softly and reached to pet it. As soon as his hand touched it, it leaped onto his lap. Jesse laughed louder. He picked it up and held it out in front of him in both hands, looking at its tawny eyes. The dog was covered in dirt and grim, its coat a nest of mats and tangles. It had a white belly, legs, and chest, tan on its head and sides, black tipped ears, and a black saddle marking on its back. He guessed from the fluffy Collie coat but German Shepherd head it was a mixed breed. He determined it to be male, and it didn’t look much more than three months old. From its condition and the fact it wasn’t wearing a collar, he assumed it was a stray.
“You’re pretty bold, aren’t you?” Jesse cradled him to his chest and stood up, heading back toward his car. “I’m not sure what to do with you, but if I leave you on your own, you probably won’t make it very long, so I guess I’ll take you to a shelter.”
He reached the F430 and stopped. He looked at the immaculate black leather seats, then down at the little dog that smelled like a garbage can.
He climbed in and set the puppy on the passenger seat. He glanced over at it as he pulled out of the parking lot, watching drool drip on the leather seat while it panted, and tried not to cringe, thinking to himself a couple more times, it didn’t matter, he was getting rid of the car. He turned his eyes to the road.
“Now I just need to figure out where there’s an animal shelter.”
The puppy laid down, its eyes on him.
Jesse looked at it as he shifted the car. “Don’t look at me like that. I can’t have a dog. I’m getting ready to go on tour. You shouldn’t have found a singer to save your scrawny ass.” He turned his eyes back to the road, softening his voice. “Believe me, I know what it feels like. You probably thought you had someone who loved you too until they tossed you out.”
The dog crawled across the center console and laid its head on Jesse’s thigh. Jesse took his right hand off the steering wheel and stroked the dog’s head.
A puppy raced around the corner of the doorway and into the chill-out room.
“Oh my god!” Trish squealed as she picked him up.
Jesse walked in after the dog holding a leash.
“Not exactly. I found him this morning. I was going to take him to a shelter, but...” Jesse shrugged, leaving that for his answer.
When he’d left Grant Park, he called information to find the closest animal shelter, but as the operator relayed the information, he gazed down at the little dog trying to crawl onto his lap and snapped his phone closed. The next thing he knew, he was walking into a pet shop with the puppy under his arm. Forty-five minutes and a cartload of food, supplies, toys, and treats later, he was on his way back to Brandon’s, which had been quite a surprise for Brandon when he came home from grocery shopping and found him kneeling outside the bathtub trying to keep the puppy from shaking water and dog shampoo all over. Fortunately, Brandon recovered from his shock and jumped to help.
Julian fingered the black Lupine collar patterned with silver paw prints over crossbones around the puppy’s neck. “Once you buy a collar it’s official. Are you taking him on the road with us?”
Brandon said he would keep him until we come back.” “He can be our mascot!” Trish said. “What’s his name?” “Achilles.”
Kenny startled at the name. “Achilles? Why’d you name him that? What ever happened to names like Spot or Rover?”
Trish put Achilles on the floor. He galloped to Jesse and hopped on his back legs, pawing up at him.
Jesse bent down and ruffled the thick, soft fur around his neck, speaking to the dog in a babying voice. “Because Achilles was a great warrior, wasn’t he? And you’re a big, tough boy, aren’t you?”
“With identity issues then,” Julian chuckled.
Achilles started barking and shot out of the room.
“Look!” Kenny laughed, pointing after him. “He’s as much of a spaz as Jesse! Don’t they say dogs take after their owners? And he’s only had him since this morning!”
Ignoring everyone’s snickering, Jesse threw Kenny a goodhumored dirty look and took off after Achilles. He jogged into the hall and slammed to an instant stop.
Evan stood up the hall with JJ and Greg. Achilles stopped in front of him and stared up at him. Evan gazed down at him with a contemplative look. He picked him up, watching the puppy’s tail wag so hard his whole body shook. Evan laughed softly and brought the dog to his chest, stroking his head.
Jesse tried to swallow around the lump closing his throat. It seemed like so much longer than a week since he last saw him. He noticed Evan’s face looked thin and pale. His eyes bore circles beneath, his head was covered by a dark blue bandana allowing just the ends of his hair to peek out, and he hadn’t shaved that morning, which wasn’t like him. But it didn’t matter. Even disheveled, he still looked amazing.
ONQUEST
297
Jesse shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He wanted to retreat, but he wasn’t about to skitter away like a coward. Besides, Evan had Achilles and he couldn’t turn his back without a word when it was obvious the dog was with him. He filled his lungs with a deep breath and stepped forward.
A chuckled slipped out of Jesse’s throat before he realized it. “That’s a good way to describe him.”
Evan smiled and raised his eyes to Jesse. “Have you named him yet?”
“Achilles.”
“That’s perfect with how much you love ancient culture. I still think it’s funny when we’re both reading on the couch, I’ll be reading a car magazine, and you’re always reading some long lost piece of literature that no one knows about.” Evan stopped his sentence short and averted his gaze again.
Jesse also turned his eyes the floor, the memory of such relaxed moments causing a suffocating pain in his chest. He cleared his throat, and said softly, “I didn’t think you were recording during the day anymore.”
“I haven’t left since last night,” Evan mumbled.
Quiet surrounded them. Neither looked at the other.
With each silence filled second that ticked by, Jesse felt as if his heart ripped a little bit more. How did it come to this, to where there was such strain between them? Had their months of happiness really been a dream? It seemed so now. Unable to handle the awkwardness, Jesse reached to take Achilles.
Evan caught sight of Jesse’s skinned hands and elbow. He snatched Jesse’s left arm and turned it to look at the scratches, his voice lifting with concern. “Jess, what happened to you? Are you okay?”
Anger sparked in Jesse at the concern in Evan’s face and voice. It seemed a mockery after the coldness he had showed him. He jerked his arm out of Evan’s hand. “What do you care?”
Jesse held Achilles close to his chest, fixing Evan with as harsh of a glare as he could muster, but he couldn’t hold it. He sighed and glanced away. “I fell when I was running this morning.”
“Jess, wait.”
Jesse stopped, his back to him.
“Do you…want to grab some lunch, or something?”
Jesse shook his head and continued to walk away. “I can’t. I don’t want to leave Achilles alone in a strange place so soon. Another time, maybe.”
Jesse walked into the studio, Achilles trotting at his side. He sipped on a Mocha Frappuccino from Starbucks, the caffeine already kicking in to help him be more alert despite the headache that seemed ever present. He rubbed one temple with his fingertips, wondering how long Evan’s wounded mien would haunt him. It managed to all weekend, popping into his head at moments it shouldn’t, like when he remembered how to laugh and smile while playing with Achilles, or when he and Brandon joked around when walking him. More than once he faced the mental image and felt such guilt over not going to lunch with Evan, he almost called him and asked him to dinner.
He held strong through the weekend, but now here he was at the studio at the ungodly hour of six-thirty in the morning under the excuse that since he couldn’t sleep, he might as well come in and dink around on the piano. Though under the excuse a painfully honest voice whispered he was there with the hope of running into Evan.
Jesse glanced in the vocal booth as he came upon it. His heart matched his stride in stuttering to a stop at seeing Evan. When it beat again, it was with a pain so deep his soul and body constricted in a strangled sob at Evan’s condition. He looked worse than he had the week before. The dark circles were more pronounced on his ashen face. By the pallor of his skin, the thinness in his face, the way his wrinkled shirt hung on his shoulders, it was clear to him Evan had lost weight. He noticed how Evan’s hands trembled as he pressed the headphones to his ears, as if that simple act took all his strength, then he saw another thing that sent a jolt through his heart. Evan’s fingers were bare of rings save for the alexandrite one he’d given him. Not even the precious eagle ring of his father adorned his finger.
“
Some people think I live a life of
Fairytales and dreams But…if…”
Evan’s voice faltered and cracked. His body swayed, he looked ready to collapse. He dragged the headphones off his head, dropping them to the floor, and sank down in a chair behind him, his head lowered, his hands buried in his hair.
Jesse opened the door to the vocal booth and stepped inside. Evan’s head remained down. Jesse skimmed the lyric sheet, noted the music and rhythm of the song, took the mic, and started to sing,
“
Some people think,
I live a life of fairytales and dreams. But if that’s true,
Then where is my happy ending? They don’t know what I’m really like, When all the lights go down.
And the tears I cry,
In the dark alone,
When no one’s around…”
Jesse stopped singing and glanced over his shoulder. Evan blinked up at him as if he disbelieved he truly saw him. Now that he could get a good look at his eyes, Jesse noticed the edges were red, the whites bloodshot, but what hurt him most was the light behind their radiant blue was gone. Jesse turned back to the sheet music and started making notes on it. He took a deep breath to steady his voice as he spoke.
“I think you’ll want to extend the second line by bringing a slight pause after fairytales. Then pause again after happy, and at ending, hold the ing sound for just a second longer so that line plays off the rhythm in the second line, because right now it sounds a little off unless you slow them both down and stretch them out. It sounds okay to pick the tempo up after the fourth line, though.”