Constant Fear (8 page)

CHAPTER 12

J
ake bought his 2007 Chevy Tahoe because of the aggressive tires, towing capacity, and ability to traverse most terrains. He didn’t know how he’d get to his bug-out location when TEOTWAWKI (The End of the World as We Know It) came, so the car offered an option if the woods behind his trailer were impassable.

Jake saved all year for the expo. Normally, he would have stocked up on supplies—freeze-dried foods, seed, communication equipment, medical kits, and homeopathic medicine—and the Tahoe was a good way of hauling it all home. But Andy had demanded they leave the expo early. Jake didn’t argue, so the back of the car contained only the camping gear they’d brought and some clothes.

For the first hundred miles of the trip home, Andy had been silent. Jake did his best to coax some words out of his son, but Andy retreated into himself, with his thousand-yard stare fixed firmly on the scenery rolling past his window.

Jake wasn’t angry with Andy. His son’s passion and conviction had impressed him and he’d said as much, but something was still bothering Andy. Whatever it was, he was keeping tight-lipped about it.

They were about an hour outside Winston when Andy finally broke the quiet.

“I’m going to stop, Dad,” Andy said. “I can’t drill anymore. I can’t prep, either. I’m done. And I mean done for good. I’m out.”

Jake took his eyes off the road to give Andy a measured stare. This wasn’t a complete surprise. Jake had felt Andy pulling away for the past year. But something about the way Andy had announced his intentions felt final, nonnegotiable. The words hurt.

Jake bit his tongue to hold back what he really wanted to say. “You’ve got to do what you think is right for you, I guess,” he managed.

If he got angry with Andy, or tried to scare him the way Richard Weismann had tried with his EMP scenario, it would only push his son farther away. But to Jake, this was like hearing his son announce plans to go skating on thin ice. The end of civilization was as real to Jake as if he’d seen an army of advancing soldiers. It was coming; and if they were not prepared, it would level everything in its path—including his son, the most precious person in his life.

“There’s more,” Andy said.

Jake appraised Andy anew. “More than deciding to give up every advantage you can have when the day comes? That’s what the drills are for, son.”

“No. This ‘more’ is about you.”

“Look, no matter what, I’m not going to leave you behind. But you’re going to make it a lot harder than it needs to be. We’re a team here, and if you don’t drill, your skills will rust. You know that, don’t you?”

“I want your skills to rust, Dad,” Andy said.

Jake jerked the wheel. The car veered a little to the left, but he quickly recovered the steering.

“Last I checked, I was the parent here and you were the kid. I can tell you what to do, but it doesn’t work the other way around.” Jake did a poor job of tempering the anger in his voice.

Andy retreated to his view out the window. When he turned around again, his face was red and he was on the verge of tears. Jake knew from experience how difficult it could be to confront a parent. Andy’s emotions had welled up, and they needed a place to escape.

“You know, Dad, just because you think the world is going to end, it doesn’t mean that I do. I’m tired of living your fear. It’s yours, not mine. Don’t you get that?”

“It’s not science fiction. It’s all proven fact.”

“Maybe so, but I happen to think the world is going to be just fine,” Andy said in a tone he’d never used before with his father. “I don’t think there’s going to be an EMP attack, or a solar flare, or a super volcano, or a biological agent, or freaking all-out nuclear war. It’s not going to happen in my lifetime. If it does, fine, but I don’t want to live like it is, because it’s
not normal.
”

“We are
not
abnormal,” Jake protested. “We’re prepared. There’s a difference.”

“Growing up, I had more gas masks than toys,” Andy said. “That’s not normal, Dad. Not by a long shot.”

They had just driven over a hilly rise. On the descent, the Tahoe picked up speed, going eighty-five before Jake noticed. He eased up on the accelerator.

“This is about Pepperell Academy, isn’t it?”

“No, Dad, it’s not.”

“It’s your friends, isn’t it?”

“No.”

“I bet it’s Hilary. Are you two dating? Because sometimes love can skew your thinking.”

“No, Dad. We’re not dating. And Hilary didn’t put me up to this. Neither did David, Rafa, Pixie, or Solomon. They know I can hold my own in a fight, but they think it’s because I took karate lessons. I don’t talk about us, because I’m honestly embarrassed by it.”

“You’re embarrassed?” Jake said. The shake of his head was meant to show his incredulity. “Were you
embarrassed
when you kicked Ryan Coventry’s ass all over The Quad?”

Andy shrugged. “That’s different. I’m glad you taught me self-defense. But it’s the reason you’re teaching me that’s got me all bugged out.”

“Damn girls,” Jake muttered under his breath, but it was loud enough for Andy to hear.

“Don’t blame Hilary!” Andy snapped. “She’s done nothing to influence me. Nothing. If anything, you should be blaming Mom for making you the way you are.”

Jake sneered and cocked an eyebrow while glancing over at his son.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you became this way because Mom left you.”

Jake looked at the road once more. “You’re psychoanalyzing your dad now, is that it?”

Andy folded his arms across his chest. The posture was part defensive and part frustrated. “It’s not that hard,” Andy said. “I took Psych 101 with Professor Cooper.”

Andy exchanged looks with his dad and unfolded his arms when he saw the hint of a smile.

“Okay, boy genius,” Jake said, but in a challenging way. “You think you know me so well? Go for it. Analyze me.”

Andy shook his head. “You’re baiting me. You’re just going to get mad.”

“I’m not going to get mad. I’m being honest here. If you think you know me so well, go for it. Analyze me. Why do I prep?”

Andy didn’t respond.

“I’ll tell you why. Because of all those reasons you listed. EMP, solar flare, bioterrorism—it’s the law of probability. Something major is going to happen, and when it does, we’ll be prepared to deal with it. It’s not complicated.”

“That’s not why, Dad,” Andy said.

“Well, enlighten me.”

“You promise you won’t get mad?”

Jake waited until he passed a car on his left before meeting Andy’s stare.

“I already promised. Analyze away.”

Andy nodded.
Game on.
“Okay, let’s start with your life after high school,” he began. “You’re a hot prospect for the Boston Red Sox. Then what happens? Instead of going to the majors, your arm gets crushed in an accident.”

“Because I was drinking and driving.” Jake pointed at Andy. “And if I ever catch you doing the same, the only thing you’ll be driving will have pedals and no motor.”

“I don’t even drink.”

“Okay. Let’s keep it that way.”

“Then what happens after the accident? You can’t pitch. The dream is gone.”

“I thought you were going to analyze me. This sounds more like history to me.”

Andy drummed his hands against his thighs. He was enjoying this opportunity. “Give me a chance,” he said. “So after your baseball career comes to a crashing halt, what happens next? You find out your little boy has a serious medical condition. Now you’ve got two things going against you, but there’s a third headed your way. Mom leaves. She can’t take it anymore. She was dreaming of a big ballplayer’s salary and now she has a sick kid and a broken husband.”

Jake lifted his hands off the wheel for just a second.
You got me
. He wasn’t going to offer any defense. Andy knew his facts, and it was what it was.

“Well, that explains why I believe the EMP threat is real and you don’t,” Jake said sarcastically. “Come on, Andy. What’s your point? Why are you revisiting the past? I’ve always been open with you about Mom and what happened to us.”

“It’s not just about Mom. It’s where all your fear comes from, Dad.”

Jake furrowed his brow. His son was making as much sense as he’d expect from someone who had decided to stop prepping for the inevitable.

“Sorry, I’m not following.”

“Think about it,” Andy said. “One minute your life is headed in one direction and then it takes a U-turn, but not to backtrack. Instead, you’re on these unfamiliar roads, navigating in the dark. Everything that was secure to you is suddenly insecure. In Freudian psychology, it’s known as the displacement theory. It’s the unconscious redirecting of emotions from one thing to another. You lost your sense of security, so you replaced it with prepping. Now you feel secure again. It’s pretty simple when you think about it.”

And Jake did think. He thought a lot, falling silent, gazing out the window, but not really seeing the traffic. Everything Andy had just said hit him square in the heart—right where it counted.

“They taught you all that at school?” Jake said.

“And some.”

“We’re sure getting our money’s worth.”

“It’s free tuition, Dad.”

“Well, aren’t we lucky, then?” Jake held a serious expression, but soon it slipped into a wry grin. Andy relaxed enough to allow the corner of his mouth to lift a little as well. When it did, Jake slugged Andy’s shoulder in a loving, guylike way.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

Andy started to laugh. “Dad, I’ve been trying to tell you this for ages. You just haven’t been listening.”

“That’s not true. I listen to everything you say.”

“No, Dad, you want just to teach me about communication equipment, gardening, and self-defense—which, by the way, is the only thing I really like.”

“It’s not just about what you like to do,” Jake said. “It’s about having the skill set you need to survive.”

“You see? You see? You’re doing it again! You’re not hearing me.”

Jake held up his hands to show he wasn’t going to be defensive. “I’m hearing you! I’m hearing you! So you don’t want to drill anymore?”

“That’s right. No more three
A.M
. wake-up calls. It’s affecting me in a negative way.”

“Did you learn that in Professor Cooper’s psych class as well?”

Andy chuckled. “No, that’s my own personal observation. If you love me, and I know you do, we’re going to stop being preppers.”

“What do you mean ‘we’?”

“I want you to dismantle the bug-out location,” Andy said.

The mood turned sour in the time it took Jake to change lanes. Jake fell silent for several miles, and Andy let him think.

“You may want to hamper our ability to get out of Dodge, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to do the same. Stop the drills if that’s your desire, but the BOL stays. And I’m not going to stop doing what I have to do to protect us.”

Andy pondered the offer; then he extended his hand. “Yeah, I guess it’s a deal, Dad.”

Jake shook on it.

“But I want you to do something for me,” Andy said.

“Anything, but what I said I wouldn’t do.”

“I want you to
think
about dismantling the bug-out location. I’m not asking you to do it. I’m just asking you to give it some real serious consideration.”

“It’s not happening, son.”

“Just think about it, Dad. That’s all I’m asking.”

Jake gazed out the window and said nothing. Andy gripped his father’s arm.

“Please,” Andy pleaded.

Jake saw the desperation in his son’s eyes.

“Yeah, buddy,” he said. “I’ll think it over. Promise.”

 

The rest of the drive back to Winston was uneventful. They stopped at McDonald’s for a couple of shakes and some burgers, and made excellent time the rest of the way home. Jake kept the conversation light. They talked about music and TV shows, Andy’s classes and college, and Vines that his son found endlessly amusing. Little by little, Jake would goad Andy back into the life. He felt hopeful, because Andy’s decision put them both at risk.

The sun had nearly set when Jake turned onto the dirt road that led to the trailer a quarter mile away. The tough winter had left deep ruts in the road, and Jake imagined making a midnight dash to his bug-out location, driving right over those divots using his truck the way he intended when he bought it.

As Jake pulled into his driveway, the Tahoe’s headlights illuminated the figure of a woman sitting on the stairs at the trailer’s front door. Jake came to an abrupt stop and cut the engine, but he kept the headlights on so he could see the person clearly.

His jaw dropped.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said.

Andy followed his father’s gaze, and his eyes went wide as well.

The woman sitting on the front steps smoking a cigarette didn’t look all that different from her pictures—the pictures in the memory book, the pictures seared into his consciousness. The years hadn’t aged her beyond recognition. Andy knew his mother.

He’d know her anywhere.

CHAPTER 13

Jake shut off the Tahoe’s headlamps, but the spot over the front door shone down on Laura as if she were the focus of some play.

On the pitching mound, feelings didn’t matter, actions did. After baseball, Jake had continued to use actions to dampen his feelings. In this instant, all that changed. Emotions came at Jake so hard and so fast, he had to sit in the truck a moment to get his bearings.

Eventually Jake got out, but Andy didn’t budge. He looked weak, stunned, and could only stare openmouthed at his mother.

Jake approached Laura with caution, as if fast footsteps or a sudden movement might scare her off. The pounding of his heart drowned out all sound. Jake stopped a few feet from the front stairs and tried to relax his jaw muscles.

Laura took a drag from her cigarette and blew the smoke out the side of her mouth. Her head was tilted to the right, and her long, blond hair cascaded across her shoulders in a way Jake remembered and adored. It was brisk outside, and Laura was dressed for the weather in a thick green parka, jeans, and hiking boots.

Laura’s car was parked off to the side in the little pullout used to make a three-point turn. It made Jake sort of sad to see Laura driving a Chevy, a beat-up Impala, because she was always so proud of her fancy cars. Laura had left them with hope of having a better life. Up close, it was clear she had been chasing that dream ever since, and the years had been harder on her than they had been on Jake.

While Laura had smoked some in high school, she’d shelved the habit after they married, occasionally having a cigarette or two when they went out for drinks. It appeared that Laura had made it a habit once more. Jake could see where her skin had wrinkled and puffiness marred the underside of her eyes. But nothing truly dampened her beauty; and while Laura’s hair was less lustrous than he remembered, her mouth was the same as ever.

“Hi, Jake. You look good.”

Jake scratched at his head, trying to make sense of it all. His emotions went wild. He was exhilarated, dazed, and angry. He’d never experienced anything like this before. He could only imagine how Andy was feeling.

“What are you doing here, Laura?”

Laura stood and took a few steps toward him. Her eyes were like two warm pools, inviting him inside, pleading to forgive and forget.

“I’ve been thinking about you, about us,” Laura said.

She came closer. Every move—the dip of her shoulder, that playful upturn of her mouth, a slight list of her head to one side—it was all so Laura, so familiar to Jake. He could tell right away she was flirting, acting coy, and gauging his reaction to see if he, too, could pretend she had never walked away.

But he couldn’t play along. Jake folded his arms across his chest, closing himself off. Laura took another step toward him, and Jake turned his head to look back at Andy. His son was sitting inside the truck, eyes lowered. He couldn’t watch, and Jake couldn’t blame him.

“This isn’t right, Laura,” Jake said. “You shouldn’t have come around here like this. Better if you had called. Given us some warning.”

Laura was close enough to reach out and touch Jake’s shoulder. When she did, he didn’t flinch. He didn’t feel a spark, either, like he had when they first started to date in high school. Still, something was there, a little echo from the love they once had shared.

Laura said, “I didn’t want you to say no.”

It was exactly how Laura would think.

Laura peered over Jake’s shoulder at the Tahoe. “Is he in there? Is that Andy?”

Jake nodded. “He’s in there, but I’m not calling for him. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll open the door himself.”

Laura looked surprised. “He knows it’s me?” she asked.

The hopefulness in Laura’s voice again made Jake feel sorry for her. She’d missed so much of the good stuff. Andy had given Jake’s life shape and purpose, and Laura had spurned it all to chase down the hope of a better tomorrow. But what was she really chasing? An easier life? More money? Jake had never thought Laura stopped loving her son, but she did stop loving her life. For that, Andy had paid the heaviest price.

“I gave him a book of pictures,” Jake said. “You haven’t changed much, Laura. It’s still you.”

Laura gave an indifferent shrug, but her act didn’t fool Jake. She was clearly pleased by the compliment. “Has he talked about me much?” she asked.

“Your name has come up a few times.”

Laura smiled, and Jake broke away from her gaze. He couldn’t stare at her for long without seeing the past. Plenty of good memories offset the bad. Of course there were the fights, the blame and shame for the accident, dishes shattered against the kitchen wall, but time brushed clean the intensity of those memories—the good feelings that came from being in Laura’s presence were easy for Jake to recall.

At the stadium, she had been a fixture in the stands—always cheering him on, her voice carrying above the others, filling him with encouragement. In bed, Laura had been inventive and uninhibited, and her touch was not easily forgotten. In a way, Laura’s sudden arrival made Jake fully aware of his growing feelings for Ellie. Laura was the past, whereas Ellie could very well be his future.

Laura reached for another smoke, but something made her put the pack away. “How’d you know I was here?” Jake asked.

“Facebook,” Laura said.

“Facebook?”

“I’m friends with Andy.”

“Oh, shit, Laura.”

“Of course I didn’t tell him it was me. I used a picture of a girl I . . . I know.”

From the way Laura paused, Jake suspected the picture was the daughter of a man she’d been with. Maybe her own daughter—what did he know?

“You’re going to have to tell him about the Facebook account.”

“I will,” Laura said.

There was a moment of silence that Jake wanted to fill, but he couldn’t find the words.

“Where have you been?” he finally asked.

“Around,” Laura said. “A lot of time in California. The last couple of years I’ve been living with my mom. She died a few months ago.”

Jake’s eyes became downcast. He’d always been fond of Laura’s mom and dad. However, after Laura left, they withdrew from Jake and from Andy, feeling it wouldn’t be fair to Andy to be a part of his life. He was too young to know them, and their presence would have been confusing and a reminder of his mother’s abandonment. Jake didn’t agree. Why deprive a child of his grandparents? But the decision was made and final. Laura didn’t just remove herself from the family; she took all the relationships tethered to her as well.

“I’m so sorry, Laura. Your mom was a wonderful woman.”

“My dad’s been doing okay, but he misses her.”

“Is that why you came looking for me? For us?”

Laura got a faraway look in her eyes. “I guess Mom’s passing put things in a different light.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

The silence returned.

“What do you want, Laura?”

Laura tried to swallow a sob, but her tight lips couldn’t hold it in. “I want to see my son. I want to see Andy. I want so much.” Tears pooled in her eyelids and fell freely, and her body convulsed as she gasped while weeping. “I’m so sorry. I’ve messed so much up.”

Jake took a step toward her. The instinct to comfort had not abated with the years. But he stopped and turned at the sound of a car door opening. He saw Andy approaching, hands stuffed into the pocket of his sweatshirt, eyes cast down.

Andy stopped a few feet away from Laura. “You think you can just show up here and start to cry and make me feel sorry for you? How about my tears? I don’t think you felt sorry for a single one.”

Laura brushed her eyes clear with the back of her hand.

“Please, Andy. Let’s talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Andy sprinted for the woods. Laura got ready to pursue him, but Jake lowered his arm like a barricade and held her in place.

“Where’s he’s going?” she asked.

“He wants to be alone,” Jake said.

“In the woods by himself? Aren’t you going to go after him?”

Jake couldn’t suppress a smile. “Trust me, Laura, he’ll be more than all right on his own out there. Where are you staying?”

Laura craned her neck to look back at the trailer.

“Any extra room here?”

Jake chortled. “You’re really something,” he said. “If the circumstances were different, I’d honestly be tempted. I won’t lie to you. I’ve always cared for you, and I’ve missed you. I want to know where you’ve been all these years, what happened to you. I want to know it all. But this is Andy’s home, too, and we’ve got to respect him.”

“You’re seeing somebody, aren’t you?” Laura asked.

“I am.”

“Do you love her?”

Jake thought a beat. “I do.”

Jake fished sixty dollars out of his wallet. “There’s a Motel 6 a couple miles down Route 120. I’ll give you my number. You can check in with me in the morning and we’ll see about getting you and Andy together. But it’s going to be up to him, not me, to make it happen.”

Laura nodded. She obviously wasn’t thrilled, but she took the proffered cash anyway. “Thanks, Jake. You always were a sweetheart.”

“Yeah, maybe so,” Jake said. “But you’re going to do something for me.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re going to unfriend Andy. Tonight. Find a computer and get it done. If you’re going to come back into our son’s life, you’re going to do it with honesty.”

Again Jake thought of Ellie, and he knew she deserved the same.