Contradictions (20 page)

After a shower and half a bottle of mouthwash, I felt like death wasn’t as imminent as I first thought when I woke up. I left the bedroom to find Trent sitting in the living room. I figured I probably had a few things to apologize for, besides the fact that he had to lug my stupid ass home.

I stopped in my tracks at the unusual sight of Trent sitting on the couch doing nothing. I say
unusual
because Trent never just sat. Normally, he was busy on his computer and the TV was always on. The living room seemed like a morgue without the distraction of background noise. I must have been more of a mess last night than I thought.

“Trent,” I said tentatively, edging closer to him.

He looked up blankly. Something else was wrong. This wasn’t brought on by drunk-ass me last night.

“Is everything okay?” The question was asinine. Of course everything wasn’t okay, but how else would I get to whatever was bothering him?

He looked at me for a moment. His mouth opened to answer, but nothing came out. He snapped it closed before dropping his face into his hands. Now I really felt reason to panic. Something was terribly wrong. I hurried to his side, ignoring the side effects of my hangover. All I cared about was finding out who had wronged the person I loved. I would make whoever it was pay for doing this to him.

Sitting down on the coffee table in front of him, I grabbed his hands, silently imploring him to tell me what was wrong. His hands lay in mine like dead fish. “Trent, what is going on?” I asked, trying to keep the hysterical edge out of my voice.

“Have you ever wondered what I did in my old school that got me in so much trouble?” he finally asked in a flat voice.

His words momentarily confused me. “You mean before you moved to Woodfalls?”

He nodded his head.

“Well, yeah, I guess, why?” We all had. In a town the size of Woodfalls, that kind of secret was practically against the law.

“I was kicked out for hacking into the school computer.”

I wasn’t surprised. I’d always suspected it was something like that. What I didn’t understand was why he was mentioning it now.

“What do you know about hacking?”

I shrugged my shoulders. I really didn’t know anything other than it sucked major ass when someone hacked my Instagram or Facebook accounts. It happened to me once and resulted in my entire friend base getting spammed with erectile dysfunction ads. “Someone hacked my Facebook account once. That sucked,” I answered.

“Right,” he said. It was strange to see so many conflicting emotions on his face.

“Okay, so you’re a hacker. You didn’t steal someone’s identity and ruin their life or something, right?” I thought I was making a joke, but mentally I was crossing my fingers. I didn’t know how I would handle it if he confirmed that fear.

I could see him mentally weighing his words before he answered. “I was a hacker, and no, I never did anything that bad.”

“You were a hacker, but not anymore? I guess I still don’t understand what the problem is.”

“At my old high school, I set up my own little enterprise. I’d hack into the school computers in our district and change grades for a fee.”

“Oh lord. No, you didn’t,” I laughed. Straight-as-an-arrow, Trent had done something illegal. I had myself a bad boy after all and didn’t even realize it. “And you got busted,” I stated as all the pieces clicked into place.

“It wasn’t funny, and I got busted all right. Shit hit the fan with the school district and my parents. I was expelled from school and they threatened to fine my parents and even send me to juvie. Luckily, I was a minor, so there wasn’t much they could do. Plus, it was my first offense. It is on my permanent record in the state of Missouri, so after that, it seemed I would never get a fair shake at any school there. My parents made the huge decision to move us out of state so I could start over with a clean slate. That’s how we ended up in Woodfalls. I promised I’d keep my nose clean and wouldn’t hack again,” he finished. His voice broke like there was more he wanted to say, but he wouldn’t look at me. I wondered again what I was missing.

“Okay, so obviously you wouldn’t do it again, right?” It scared me that the look in his eyes was already answering my question. “I mean, why would you do it if that was the case? What could possibly be worth risking your future?” I asked the questions, somehow expecting that this was some sort of prank. He was just getting back at me for last night. The expression on his face spoke volumes. I looked at him blankly.

“Trent, what does this have to do with me?”

“I wasn’t necessarily going to do anything; I was just checking.”

“Checking what? I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I wanted to make sure you passed your finals. I knew how worried you were.”

“You checked my final grades?” It was hard to keep the hurt from my voice. “Please tell me you’re not saying what I think you are,” I pleaded.

His silence was the only answer I needed. My chest felt like it was being squeezed. “You changed my grades?” Embarrassment and shame filled me. After all my hard work, I was still nothing but a loser? “I don’t deserve to be here,” I said, standing on shaky legs.

The dead look left his eyes. “Wait, Tressa, no! You misunderstood me.” He jumped to his feet. “I didn’t have to change them. You got those grades on your own.”

I shook my head in denial. “You’re lying.” I paced in front of the coffee table, jerking away as he tried to stop me. I felt so confused by the mixed feelings crashing around my head like balls on a pool table. What did this mean for Trent, or for me? Would I be implicated in this too? Did I work my ass off for nothing, and now I’d be kicked out anyway? In a way, this was my fault. If Trent had never gotten involved with me, this never would have happened. “I ruin everything I touch. I’m like poison.”

Trent stood in front of me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “Don’t say that. I’m not lying. You earned those grades fair and square. I should have made that clear. I’m the one who was wrong here. Not you.” His voice was louder than I had ever heard it.

“I want to believe you,” I said with a quiver in my voice.

“Then believe it. You will find out anyway when you see your actual tests.” I felt slightly relieved until I reminded myself of what had started our conversation in the first place. “If you didn’t change my grade, what is the big deal?”

“I tripped a flag when I hacked into the school’s mainframe. I should have known they’d have several safeguards in place. I underestimated their security. Obviously, I’m not a great hacker since I’ve been caught twice.”

“Do they think I had something to do with this too?”

“No, no, believe me. I made that crystal clear. It’s me who’s in trouble,” he assured me.

“How much trouble could you be in if you didn’t change my grades?”

His face turned grim. “That’s the problem. I hacked into a computer with the intent to change something. I didn’t destroy or harm anything, so it’s not a felony, but it’s still a class B misdemeanor.”

“What does that mean for you?” I asked, gnawing on my lip.

“Most likely a fine, and if a judge wanted to be a hard-ass, I could actually get up to six months in jail. I think a lot of it has to do with how far the school wants to take it,” he said.

“Holy shit, you could go to jail? What about the school? What are they doing?” I asked, flabbergasted. “Wait, I can call Professor N or my dad. Do you need an attorney?”

He sat back down on the couch, defeated. “Actually, Professor Nelson is helping me through this. Because of him, I’m fairly certain the school is going to drop the charges, but there are consequences. I’m out. They expelled me.”

“What?” I shrieked. “They can’t do that. What about your thesis?” Could they really make him walk away from all the hard work he had put in? The injustice of it all made me want to scream. What he did was nothing. I’d done pranks that were worse than this.

“They can do what they want, and they did. It could have been worse.”

How could it have been any worse than to lose everything he’d been working toward? I began to feel sick. If we weren’t together, he never would have done something so reckless, so careless.

“They could have pressed charges. Jail would have been a real possibility. They’re not doing that. Yeah, I’m no longer a Maine State College student, but at least they didn’t ruin my entire life. The fact that you aced your finals saved me. If I would have had to change your grades, things would have been a great deal worse for me. Any role they may have thought you had in this was quickly dismissed because there was a paper trail and all your teachers stepped forward to say how hard you’ve been working. So, you see? I should actually be thanking you,” he said, smiling like there was a silver lining on this black cloud.

“Oh, give me a break,” I stated indignantly. “You are seriously going to sit there and thank me? What kind of twisted-ass thinking is that? You were willing to give up everything for me. Was it stupid? Hell yeah. Am I furious that you would do something so incredibly dumb? Absolutely, but you are not going to act like a martyr and thank me for it.” I punched him in the arm for good measure. A small part of me was sort of relieved that he had proven to be human and capable of doing stupid shit. I was beginning to feel like I was the only one making all the mistakes.

“God, you asshole. I could puke right now that you lost everything you were working for.” My voice trailed off as I considered what this meant for our future. “What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’m still trying to wrap my brain around everything. I was sure you’d hate me and we’d be through,” he admitted, leaning his head against the back of the couch and closing his eyes. I couldn’t help noticing how exhausted he looked.

“When did you find all this out?”

“Well, yesterday is when I found out I’d been dropped from school,” he answered, not opening his eyes.

I couldn’t have felt any more like pond scum. I’d been out acting like a selfish bitch, trying to drink away my bullshit concerns, when Trent’s whole life had been unraveling at the seams. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I didn’t want to ruin your party. I knew how much you’d been looking forward to it. I was tied up in disciplinary meetings all afternoon anyway. Professor Nelson really went to bat for me. I owe him. He did everything he could, but the school just couldn’t allow me to stay.”

“I’m so sorry,” I said, sitting next to him on the couch. “What can I do?”

He reached for my hand. “You’re already doing it. Just having you here with me helps. I thought you would be gone for sure.”

“Never, I’ll always be here.” I meant the words. All my doubts and insecurities from the night before no longer seemed relevant.

We sat in silence and eventually Trent drifted off to sleep. I sat beside him, stroking his hand and wondering where we would go from here. One thing was certain—I needed to mend some fences. I pulled a blanket around Trent, leaving him to sleep while I left to handle some business.

I drove to my old apartment, mulling over what I needed to say. Cameo and Derek were in the middle of cleaning up the mess from their party the previous night when I pushed the door open.

“Tress.” The relief in Derek’s voice was tangible. He left his stack of discarded red Solo cups on the table and gave me a tight hug. “I was worried about you,” he whispered in my ear.

“Thanks. Do you mind if I talk to Cameo alone for a few minutes?”

“Sure,” he answered, releasing me before heading toward our room.

Cameo and I faced off, both too stubborn to be the one to speak first. In that way, we were like two peas in a pod. It was our similarities that had brought us together in the first place. Ironically, in a situation like this, they were also what wedged us apart.

For once in my life, I decided to swallow my pride and act first. “Cam, I know you don’t understand what’s going on with me. Hell, even I don’t understand it most of the time. All I can do is try to explain, so maybe you’ll get it a little.” The stubborn set of her shoulders eased a bit, which told me she was at least willing to listen.

The words poured out of me like a floodgate had been opened. I confessed everything I’d been feeling the last few months. My embarrassment over my grades and the staggering guilt I still felt over David’s death. Finally, I explained my struggle coming to grips with my feelings for Trent. I left out the bomb he’d dropped on me earlier.

“I know I’m different. I see it every day. It scares the hell out of me sometimes, but I don’t think I’m ever going to be the old me again. I tried last night, but that girl is gone. David’s death made me look at things differently, changed who I thought I was. And Trent helped me believe in myself. This is the new me.”

Cameo was silent for a moment. “You’re still a whore,” she said grudgingly. At least she was smiling now.

“And you’re still a slut.”

“Does that mean you’re never going to go out with me again?”

“Not at all. Just more in moderation, but you’ll have to start doing stuff this new me likes to do.”

“Like what?” she asked, grimacing dramatically. “Don’t you dare say going to the comic book store, or I swear I’ll strangle myself.”

I laughed. “Let’s not go nuts. I meant like vegging out, watching movies, or playing cards with us on Friday night sometime.”

“Friday is party night . . .” Her voice trailed off. “Fine,” she grumbled.

I reached over and gave her a hug. “I’ve missed you, slut face.”

“I’ve missed you too, whore bag,” she replied, returning my hug tightly.

We talked for a while longer and she confided her own fears and hurt over her breakup with Chad. She still wasn’t over him. I nodded sympathetically. I’d suspected all along that was the case.

“Maybe you guys will work it out, you know? He did have a lot of shit going on with the fraternity being shut down.”

“I don’t think so. He’s dating someone else,” she said in a small voice that was totally out of character for her.

“Oh, Cam, I’m so sorry. He’s a donkey ass face,” I said, hugging her.

“Did you two kiss and make up?” Derek asked, joining us.