Cornerstone (2 page)

“It already is something, Nali.” She tried to smooth my hair behind my ear but I moved away.

“I mean a whole story this time. Can you write this one? For me?”

“Sure.” She smiled the lie. “It will be a story. I promise. But it’s important that I write all of them in my head. I have to make sure I don’t forget anything.”

“Who cares about whatever else there is?” I’d said, grabbing a handful of sheets and holding it out to her. “What good will a million great ideas do if you never even finish one? If you’re not going to use any of these, why don’t you just let me throw some of this away?”

She shook her head and frowned.

“You can’t throw any of it away. Not one sheet, Nali. Promise me.” She searched my face as if recognition just needed a minute more to surface. I dumped her paper back on the nearest pile.

“Oh, God bless it!”

“Exactly.” My mom chuckles as she drops a reassuring arm around my shoulders and gives me a tiny shake like I’m a really good sport. “At some point, you’re going to understand your old mother. And why I do what I do. I promise you that.”

“What’s there to understand?” I’d grumbled, but I loved the warmth and strength I felt when she was near. I could never stay angry with her.

“Mankind.” she’d said and I had to nod and laugh.

She’s told me all my life that hoarding all this paper is important, but it wasn’t ever my mom’s rationalizations that actually made things okay with me. It was what one cranky, overworked social worker had once told me, as he looked through our thick file with a disapproving sigh.

“I guess you can make ‘normal’ out of any old thing, if you’ve got enough of it.” he’d said. At the time, I’d had a mental picture of my mom and I sewing our clothes, cooking our food and building a new house, all out of paper.

Although I get how McCranky really meant it, I still think he got it right. We spend a lot of time coming up with plans together to deflect visitors so we don’t have to invite them into our paper cave. We compete in figuring out new ways to scrimp so we can pay for storage units that handle the overflow. We laugh together when a pile of paper teeters over and crashes to the floor, reporting it to each other as ‘an upheaval of mankind’. We’ve gotten used to living in the tight spaces between all the paper stacks. This is who we are. And I get that it’s entirely possible that if my mom began finishing stories, it could change everything about us.

Understanding that is why, on the night I asked my mom to finish a story about the little girl, I also ended up vowing to myself that no matter how much I couldn’t stand our paper-stuffed life sometimes, I would never ask my mom to finish any of her stories ever, ever again.

We have bologna sandwiches and cookies, everything right out of the packages and eaten over our laps, for dinner. As usual, we eat in silence because I don’t want to talk about how my day was at school. When all the stories were about how I found The Waste written on my locker in permanent marker, in my textbooks, and even across the butt of my gym shorts, my mom threatened to go down to school and find these kids herself to have a word with them. That probably would’ve gotten me killed, so out of pure self preservation, I did the smart thing and just stopped telling.

When we first moved here, I begged her to let me be homeschooled to avoid this. Mom refused, saying I needed to be out in the real world away from her, to get more socialization. She’d be horrified if she knew that all my interactions consisted of stuff like walking into homeroom and finding THE WASTE gouged into my desk. When she used to ask about the friends I’d made, I just said I take after her. She hated that.

“Then don’t take after me, okay?” she’d say. It’d sound like a joke out of her mouth, but the little worried crinkle between her eyes would sink even deeper.

“Nope, I want to be just like you.” I’d say, but I’d always add what made her happiest to hear, “Minus about fifty tons of paper.”

Then she’d squeal,
Perfect!
and throw her arms around me. “Mankind’s already got enough writers.”

When I was in elementary school, she used to tell me she was sorry there was no place for friends to come over and play. In middle school, she tried to explain the importance of her writing, saying it was something bigger than just us, something that the world
needed
. But now that I’m finishing my Junior year in high school, I can’t help feeling like the world could do without another storage shed stacked with her story lines and we could do without the bill. Still, when my mom talks about the importance of every character she writes down, her belief is so super charged that it’s easy to get lost in her fog. Whether or not I can see the real importance doesn’t matter when her eyes get that clear and the worry line between her eyebrows vanishes. All I can see then is her belief in what she’s doing and I can almost forget the food stamps and The Waste and single-file paths through our apartment right along with her.

“Are you going to go run the track tonight?” she asks when we are through eating. I run almost every night even though I’m not on the school team. I’m not looking to win any medals. I just do it to be out of the house. She slides the bologna back into its plastic bag.

“Library.” I say. She doesn’t ask if I’m meeting anyone because we’re both painfully aware that I’m severely lacking in the friend department.

The only place in our house for me to study is on my bed and sitting there, slouching over my books, gives me a backache. I had a hand-me-down desk once, but when her paper stacks began seeping into my room, I was still too little to understand everything I was giving up when we got rid of it. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if she’s considered how much more space there would be if we could rig up our beds on the ceiling.

She kisses me on the forehead when I pick up my backpack. I can smell the lavender-vanilla soap that I buy her every Christmas.

“Have a good time.” she says.

“Yeah right.” I tell her.

“Well, we both have a lot to do tonight, I guess. Might as well get to it.” She pats my arm although her voice grows serious. “Just be careful out there. Take a flashlight and don’t talk to anyone you don’t know.”

She says this almost every time I leave the house. Like a mantra is as good as pepper spray. All I say is, “Uh huh.”

~ * * * ~

I don’t bother to use the flashlight because most of the way to the library is lit at intervals by streetlights or houselights and I don’t mind the dark parts anyway. I like the idea of passing through the shadows without anyone seeing me.

I cut through the cluster of apartment buildings behind us, across the gap of a strip mall and follow the sidewalk that goes into what I call ‘the old sub’. The houses in the old sub were built in the 1920s and they fill up their yards with add-ons and wrap around porches. Every single one looks either sparklingly restored or totally haunted, but all of them reek of stability, unlike our apartment complex, which is as transient as a birdhouse. I miss our old house, the way it could’ve been if it wasn’t jammed with my mom’s mounds of one-line novels. I wonder if any of the houses here are filled with useless, unfinished stories as I jigsaw my way through the entire subdivision.

There is a shortcut to the library through the backyard of the creepiest looking house in the old sub. The place sits at the very end of the last street. The windows are only covered with a film of milky dust and the porch is as rickety as an old man’s mouth. No one’s lived there as long as I’ve been passing by it. There is a florescent orange sticker on the door warning trespassers that they could fall through the floor inside. This is the house that the neighbors want torn down and that little kids come to when they have to prove to each other that they’re brave. The rest of the traffic back here is from people like me who want to use the shortcut that runs along beside the place, ducking through the tree line in the backyard, to the rear parking lot of the library.

There’s about three yards of woods in between the house and the library. I should probably use my flashlight, but in the twilight, the woods are lit enough that I can make my way.

Tonight, I run all the way through the woods, across the parking lot, and up the front steps of the library just because it feels good. I’m proud that I’m not even breathing hard when I dump my books on the table in my favorite back corner.

This spot should have my name engraved on the chair. I’m buried at the end of the Ancient Ruins aisle where no one ever comes unless they are lost or want to make out. I’m almost guaranteed to never be disturbed.

The library is dead tonight too, just the way I like it. There was no one at any of the tables up front when I came in. Ms. Fisk, the head librarian, was perched on a stool at the circulation desk, trying to shield the cover of her Fabio romance from me. The only other person I saw on the way to my hideout was Julienne, the assistant librarian. She is always stuck with the crap job of wheeling around the return cart and re-shelving the books. True to the librarian code of silence, neither woman ever says much to me except a smile on my way in and a “Find everything?” on my way out. It’s going to be a peaceful night.

~ * * * ~

I’m hunched over my history book, re-reading a paragraph that just won’t sink in, when something catches me from the corner of my eye. I glance up, figuring Julienne has come to replace a book, but instead, there is a boy with a backpack over one shoulder, walking right toward me, like he knows where he is going.

I’m a little confused. My oasis is the only thing at the end of the aisle and he seems to be on a collision course. A boy like this, tall and thin with perfectly messy, jet black hair has got to be coming to rendezvous with his girlfriend. He’s probably going to ask me to leave so they can have their privacy. It’s not the first time someone’s asked. The closer he gets to me, the more I brace to defend my sanctuary.

When he reaches my table, he momentarily disarms me with a grin.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” he dumps his backpack on the table before I can say it isn’t and pulls out the chair that is diagonal from mine.

“I’m not leaving anytime soon.” I say. He smiles at me. His teeth aren’t perfect but the way his lips frame them, they are. His eyes are bright and amused, like he wants to hear something I didn’t even say. I push my books out an inch, making the circle a little wider around myself. I don’t care if he looks like a homecoming king plucked from the Varsity basketball team. If he thinks he’s charming me into moving, he’s wrong. But instead of looking annoyed, he lets an amused chuckle escape from behind another smile. I hate that he keeps doing that because it makes me want to keep looking at him.

“That’s fine.” he says and takes the seat.

“If you’re waiting for somebody,” I whisper over the table, “there’s not going to be room for her.”

“What makes you think I’m waiting for a
her
?” he whispers back.

Oh. He’s gay. My heart sinks and I wince inwardly. I was hoping he wasn’t waiting for a girl but I’m embarrassed that it ever occurred to me that his sitting here might somehow be connected to an interest in me. I hadn’t even thought beyond that.

“Whoever you’re waiting for.” I correct. “There isn’t going to be enough room for anyone else and like I said, I’m going to be here for a while.”

“Good.” He nods and unzips his backpack, like this is finished business. He fishes out a worn copy of Brave New World that looks soft and gray at the edges. He leans back in his chair, opens up the book and starts reading. There’s a whole library full of empty tables up front, but this boy, with hair that would probably feel like soft twine between my fingertips, has to sit here.

I try to find the passage in my history book that wasn’t making sense before, but I can’t even tell which paragraph it is now. Without meaning to do it, my eyes flick to his face. He’s concentrating on his book. I go back to mine, but all I can do is skim and the sentences run through my head like annoying news feed at the bottom of a TV screen.

I blink and I’m looking at him again. I quickly pull my eyes down to the bottom of the page in front of me. His skin is smooth and tan, like maybe he’s outside a lot. Maybe he’s in Track. This image of the two of us warming up and running side by side, drifts into my brain. I shut down the thought immediately. He’s got to be popular and therefore, he’s got to know that I’m The Waste. I shove the fantasy out of my mind and stare hard at the words on the page in front of me.

Besides,
he might be gay
.

Or maybe that’s not what he meant at all. Maybe he’s sitting with me on a dare. Or maybe he thinks he can make me leave just by sitting here too.

I don’t know why he’s here, but I force myself to go over the sentences in front of me again. I still don’t register one lousy word. Four more times I try, but the only thing in my head is me, telling myself not to look up at him again.

I fight to keep my eyes glued on my history book until they feel dry. It’s the same kind of ache I get as when I’ve been smiling too long. This is stupid. He’s just a boy sitting across from me. I tell myself to forget that he’s even there. Ignore him. He’s nobody. I’m nobody to him. But the second I let myself relax, I do a quick glance up and my breath catches in my throat because our eyes meet.