Cosmopolitan Girls (18 page)

Chapter 37

Sobering Thoughts

To my unborn child . . . I pray today for you, and I ask not only that God forgive me, but that your spirit does too.

I waited until the last minute to go through with the abortion. The only comfort was Charlie being here with me.

“Charlie, I'm sorry about the things I said that day at the apartment.”

“Girl, it's cool. When you're good friends, you're not out of line when you're telling the truth.”

“You're getting good at this female bonding stuff.”

“I know,” Charlie said, rolling her eyes and smiling. “So, how are you holding up?” she asked.

“Tired, out of breath, and scared.” I was reconsidering having my family help me raise the baby. But was that what I really wanted? To raise a child and be tied to Troy forever?

“What if I don't want to do it?” I asked.

“Surely you're not getting cold feet?”

“Look, I'm just worried. You know all this stuff in the media about career women and waiting too late to have kids. What if this is my only chance to have a baby and I blow it?”

“Lindsay, I'm not happy about being here either and believe me I feel your pain. I've been where you are.”

We clasped hands tightly.

“I don't think you're ready for this. I've gotten to know you pretty well, and I know you're not ready for this yet. I also know you deserve someone who's gonna love
you
for
you,
” Charlie said, trying not to sound preachy. “If I'm not ready, I'm not having it. Simple as that. But you have to do what's best for you. Raising a child is hard work, more than a notion, whether they are yours or not. Believe me. Every other weekend with Michael's kids was no picnic.”

“I just want the best for my child. I want things to be perfect,” I said.

“And they can be, Lindsay. Don't settle for being just another baby's mama. More importantly, don't settle for being eternally attached to an unworthy man.”

Charlie made sense. I didn't want to punish a new life and bring it into a world that I hadn't conquered enough on my own.

As the anesthesia took effect, I closed my eyes and prayed it would all be over soon.

I woke up in a violent state, screaming, “No!” I balled up my fists as my body jerked forward. Bile disgorged from my mouth.

“It's just the anesthesia,” the nurse informed Charlie. “She'll be fine.”

Charlie was right there holding my hand.

My two-way pager went off. “Lindsay, your butt better be on the way to Ian Schrager's latest venture. The Hudson Hotel. Dinner in the Cafeteria. Drinks in the library, fire-side.” Judy always cluttered it with too much info. Unlike Tara's simple voicemail: “See you tonight. The Hudson. Fifty-eight and Ninth. Smooches.”

Tara and Judy both had started questioning why I hadn't been hanging out as much lately. I wasn't intentionally trying to shun them, but I needed time to heal and get over Troy. I was also feeling like my friendship with them had come to an impasse.

I entered the library bar. The room was opulent, yet warm. Dark wood, the antique pool table, and large leather chairs evoked the character of a nineteenth-century social club. Tara and Judy lounged in front of a blazing fire. The panic of being a half hour late was all over my face. It had only been a week since the abortion and I still had to take it easy.

“Lindsay, I'm starving! You know I'm hypoglycemic. What took you so long?” Judy whined.

“I love you too,” I said, ignoring her bitching.

“Enough already. Ladies, no cat fights,” Tara said, briskly walking over to the main bar, leaving Judy and me bringing up the rear. She wanted to examine the Who's Who pit: a collection of people huddled around cocktail tables, some sat on Plexiglas stools, others in gilded Versace-like chairs. The eclectic design and fantastical murals made this place the hot ticket in town.

“Nobodies!” Tara casually remarked as we continued into the dining room.

The Hudson Cafeteria was quickly becoming my favorite chow spot. I loved the haute-comfort food. The open kitchen, with chefs tossing the contents of their skillets over raging flames, was a sight to watch. I especially loved the unpretentious communal seating arrangement.

“Did you guys see the cover of
Us
magazine? Lindsay, you remember your boy Shake? Well, I hear he's having another baby,” Judy said. I almost gagged on my chicken. Thank God, I never told them about me and Shake.

“Yes, and Miss Thing already gets ten percent. That's what I'm talking about! Who cares if the man is around or not? It's about a check!” Tara said, stuffing her face with turkey meatloaf.

I'm
really
glad I kept my mouth shut.

“What kills me is that she is some gold-digging video dancer. I mean, why am I killing myself working so hard? I think we should stop trying to be high-powered bread-winning chicks. Let's be dumb, unambitious, and get the money!” Judy interjected. “What do you think, Lindsay?”

I wanted to stay away from the baby subject. “Oh, who cares about that stuff. Remember how much fun we used to have when we didn't have decent bank accounts,” I said, abruptly changing the subject and giving the conversation an upbeat twist.

Tara and Judy looked at me as if I wasn't speaking English.

“What are you talking about, Lin Lin?”

“Come on, Tara, remember when your lights got cut off and we came over with candles,” I said, “eating pizza and making our own music by singing our favorite songs. Tell me you don't miss our sleepovers?” I tried to take Tara and Judy with me, but they were not going there. “You can't buy good memories like ours.”

“Well, I'll pay you to forget them,” Judy said.

“I hope you don't go around telling others,” Tara said. “That's what you do when you're broke and busted. We're not either of those anymore, so no more walks down memory lane, please.” Tara was pissed. I felt like I was sitting with a total stranger.

I didn't know what to say next. I was lost. Here I was remembering our best times, times that I thought were the foundation of our friendship, and all Tara wanted to do was trash them. Something was happening to The Supremes— one of them wanted a solo act: me.

Chapter 38

Food for Thought

Charlie and I met at the corner of Sixth and Forty-second and proceeded into Bryant Park. Charlie handed me a brown paper bag. Lunch. The public library made the area peaceful and serene. Our search for a seat began.

The park was packed. An adult recess for the business people taking in a little fun in the sun. Men with their ties undone and sleeves rolled up; women in skirts and sneakers instead of high heels. A smile was on almost every face.

We lucked out when a couple left a bench facing a bright colorful rose garden free. The warmth of the bright sun blanketed our faces. We both smiled at our good fortune.

I quickly grew comfortable with my sack lunch of a turkey sandwich and chips and got an urge to blurt out what had been paining me since leaving dinner with Tara and Judy the night before.

“I think me and my buddies have moved in different directions.”

Charlie stopped eating and shifted, taking her shoes off, crossing her legs Indian style.

“I've been feeling this way for a while, but I didn't want to deal with it.”

“Lindsay, I think we've both been getting a heavy dose of reality lately.”

“True,” I continued. “The last time I was at dinner with Tara and Judy I kept seeing it. We weren't on the same wavelength at all. I couldn't even have a conversation of substance with them. I spent an entire evening with two women who were supposed to be my closest,
no,
my
best
friends, and I walked away feeling vacant.”

“Lindsay, this doesn't mean you don't like them, you're just seeing that you're not them. Girl, life is about change.”

A lightbulb went off in my brain, and I felt like dropping logic I'd been harboring for months, maybe years. “At this point, Charlie, it's beginning to feel very important that I associate with people who are trying to
do
something instead of just talking about wearing a two-hundred-dollar thingamajig and being invited to the best whatever.”

“I hear you. It's about being intellectually and spiritually stimulated,” Charlie agreed.

“Indeed it is!” I was reminded of the discussion I tuned into after returning home from dinner. Tavis Smiley was moderating a panel discussion on TV about the state of black America. “Did you watch CNN last night?” Charlie was so overcome with enthusiasm she almost dropped her drink.

“Did I! I was hoping I wasn't the only one.”

“Honey, thinking about dinner and listening to what all the politicians had to say made me dig deeper. But what's up with the state of black women in general?”

“Lindsay, we have so much potential, but not many of us have it all like you. Your boss might be crazy, but he's looking out for you.”

“But I still have to fight. He isn't trying to give a woman his job.”

“You got a point!” Charlie nodded in agreement. “For the most part, I think we just get frustrated. I know I do. We have to fight for so much that we get confused and start fighting each other.
Essence
did a big cover story on the same kind of thing. Black women and white women in the workplace.”

“I know I read that!” I commented.

“It's funny, it made me open my eyes and rethink my entire view on Miranda and blond ambition. I'm sure they probably never grew up, went to school, or worked around anybody but white people. They honestly don't think we're qualified for the big executive jobs,” Charlie said, getting excited.

“Well, you can't fix that without reversing four hundred years of oppression in our society,” I sarcastically noted.

“Yeah, well, I'm going to do my best to make what we have to offer known. I'm going to stay on their asses to create more opportunities for other black women. Lindsay, history only repeats itself if you don't work for change.”

“Absolutely, but you know ‘we' black women can be hard on each other. So it's about rising above the negativity. I'm really going to go for it on my new show with Alix and push for black women to be hired behind the scenes too. And as far as Alix goes, I'm going to make sure her character continues to represent all sistas of the twenty-first century. God willing, I'm one black woman who is gonna open up some doors!”

“I've gotta represent in my scripts too. I want my female characters to be vulnerable
and
strong.”

We were speaking truth on a meaningful subject.

“When it's all said and done, I think it's just that I've graduated. I can't do things the same way anymore. I don't want to be forty and talking about who's hot and who's not, waiting on Prince Charming to sweep me off my feet and take me shopping.” I paused. “I know with Tara and Judy, there will always be a closeness between us, but they've got to understand that for me a lot of that b.s. we do is played out. I love them, but I can't keep sitting with yesterday.”

“Maybe you've just moved in separate directions, or maybe somebody ain't moved nowhere,” Charlie said, leaning back and taking a moment to do her own soul searching. “Girlfriend, you got me thinking now. I shut myself off too much to other sistas.”

“Charlie, I agree. It wasn't so healthy how in the past you always hung by yourself, with Michael, or just with your gay friend, not that anything's wrong with that. But you've allowed yourself to be too narrow.”

“I feel you. I want to broaden my vision too, Miss Lindsay.”

We laughed.

“No, seriously we have to be more connected to each other.” Charlie smiled and handed me a soda.

“It's about our making alliances with other women, and not just black, but white, Asian, Spanish, and Native American too. So you just make sure when that script of yours is finished, I get the first copy. I've got a girlfriend at Universal,” I said.

“Make it happen, Lindsay!”

“Girlfriend has the juice to green-light projects too!” We entertained ourselves for the rest of our lunch, plotting to make our own “girls' club,” politics for the entire hour. Our friendship hit a new high.

“Charlie, we always chitchat, but today was like an archeological excavation of the mind,” I said, finishing off my lunch.

“That's right, and our finds are the precious artifacts of knowledge, wisdom, and girl power!” Charlie smiled.

We exited the sanctuary of the park feeling as if we could save the world. We imagined all women, all sisters of color coming together, each feeling comfortable being who she was, instead of killing one another's spirits. After all, as a wise
man
once said,
Never underestimate the power of a
woman.