Country (30 page)

“And you stayed because of us?”

“In part, and also for me. I finally realized that recently. I was scared to leave with three kids, on my own. So I stayed, and I guess I shouldn't have. I never forgave him. I just lived with it. That makes for a lousy marriage. We stayed pretty much away from each other after he came back.” Louise nodded.

“Do the others know? Michael and Char?”

“No, I never told any of you. You didn't need to know. And I hope I'm not wrong to tell you now. It doesn't matter what we did. Your father loved you very, very much.”

“He loved you too, Mom,” she said quietly, “He told me so, a bunch of times, about a month before he died too. He said you were a really good woman, better than he deserved, and he loved you.” Tears sprang to Stephanie's eyes as she said it. “I guess he didn't know how to show you.” Stephanie nodded. He didn't.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said, and blew her nose as Michael walked in with Sandy. Louise put an arm around her mother then and gave her a hug.

“Thank you, Mom, for telling me the truth.”

“About what?” Michael asked, happening on the scene in the kitchen, and Louise turned to Sandy.

“Sorry I was such a bitch last night. I do that sometimes. Ignore me. Everyone else does. Every family needs one,” she said, smiled at Sandy, and grinned at her brother, as he looked at her in amazement.

“Wow, what happened to you?”

“Mom put marijuana in my cornflakes. It really helps.”

“Yeah, I'll say.” Michael looked stunned at Louise's change of attitude.

They chatted easily over breakfast, and Louise and Stephanie exchanged a long look across the table. Something important had happened. Stephanie wasn't sure what yet, but something had definitely changed. And Charlotte looked happy as she bounded into the kitchen too. They all took a walk on the beach together that afternoon, and made plans to go out to dinner together. Stephanie told Chase all about it when he called her, and she assured him that Sandy looked like she was having a good time.

And that night she went to see Alyson, who was a total mess, sobbing and crying. Brad had tried to see her that afternoon, and she wouldn't let him in the house. And Stephanie was sad for her when she went home. She drove across the bridge thinking about them, and what a fraud Brad had been. Poor Alyson, but at least she wouldn't be living a lie, or pretending to forgive him. She said she never would, and Stephanie believed her. And as she thought it, she realized where she and Bill had gone wrong. She had pretended to forgive him, and he had pretended to still love her. He didn't, despite what he'd said to Louise, and she knew it. And she hadn't loved him either. Not for the last seven years of their marriage. It had been dead for her then. And as she thought it to herself, she felt free as she drove across the bridge. She could admit it to herself now. She had stopped loving her husband seven years before he died, and maybe long before that. She felt sorry for him now. But she didn't love him.

In the weeks between Thanksgiving and Christmas, after the kids left, Stephanie did a lot of thinking. She went on long walks with Pedro, who was great company and the silliest-looking dog on the planet, everyone agreed. She had found a big piece of herself after talking to Louise over Thanksgiving. It was liberating to admit to herself that she hadn't loved Bill in years. It didn't make her feel awful about herself. It was honest. She just didn't. And she had stayed with him and betrayed herself by not having the guts to leave him. Instead, she pretended to be noble.

She went to see Alyson several times, who had filed for divorce as she said she would. She would only speak to Brad through lawyers. The love story of the century had been a fraud while he slept with their au pair and had a baby with her. He certainly wasn't the first man who had done that, or the last. But Alyson's fantasies about their marriage had all been lies. She had given up her identity for a marriage that had been a sham and a man who had been a liar. Stephanie knew it would take her years to figure out why she'd done it.

Stephanie and Jean talked about it a lot and felt sorry for her. And Jean reminded her that she had never trusted Brad, nor any other man. She believed that given the opportunity, they were all cheaters. Her father had been, her brothers were. Bill had been. But in spite of that, Stephanie trusted Chase and was sure he was a good person.

He had been fiercely busy between Thanksgiving and Christmas. He had a Christmas album out and was promoting it, and had sent it to her. It was beautiful and made her cry when she listened to it. They had no plans to see each other, although they said they loved each other. But she knew she had hurt him badly when she came back to California to sort out her life. And she hadn't figured it out yet. She didn't know what she was waiting for, but she hadn't tried to find a job, and working at the homeless shelter for a few days over the holidays wasn't enough to keep her busy, not after a husband and three kids.

And she was torn between keeping old traditions and making new ones. She put up their Christmas tree with all their familiar decorations on it, while listening to Chase's Christmas album, which was the number-one hit in the nation. She decided to give the Christmas party that she and Bill gave every year, two weeks before Christmas, and was sorry she did it. It was depressing. Half the men there, all of them married, either hit on her or implied it, and would have been more than willing to cheat on their wives, which made her feel slightly sick.

And she still spoke to Chase almost every day. But he didn't ask if or when she was coming back, and she didn't say. They avoided the subject so it wouldn't be final. She didn't know, and she had been back in San Francisco for six weeks, which felt like an eternity to both of them. And they were both afraid that it was over between them, but they were too afraid to ask, and didn't want to know.

The children were coming home for Christmas, but Michael wasn't bringing Sandy this time. She had to be in Nashville with Chase for Christmas, since they had a Christmas concert. But Michael was meeting her in Las Vegas for New Year, where she and Chase were playing a big concert on New Year's Eve. Michael had promised to be there.

The morning the kids came home, Stephanie got a package from Chase. It was a beautiful simple gold bracelet with “Carpe diem” engraved on it. Seize the day. And on the other side, his initials and the date. She cried when she opened it and put it on. She had a present for him, but she hadn't sent it. It was a long gold chain with a medal with an angel on it, to watch over him, with her initials and the date on the back. She hadn't had the heart to mail it to him, but she did after she got the gift from him. She put the bracelet on and was wearing it when the kids came home, but no one noticed. She never took it off.

And predictably, Christmas Eve dinner was hard without their father. Everyone cried, even Stephanie when they toasted him. But they were happy to be together. And Louise seemed in better spirits than she'd been in a long time, and she spent most of the holiday with her mother, while Charlotte ran around seeing friends. She was going skiing with some of them at Tahoe, and Louise was going back to New York for New Year's Eve to celebrate with friends. Michael was going to Las Vegas to be with Sandy and Chase. Stephanie was going to spend New Year's Eve alone at home, with Pedro.

“What are you punishing yourself for?” Dr. Zeller asked her when she told her.

“I'm not punishing myself. I don't care about New Year's Eve. Besides, I don't have anyone to be with.” Jean and Fred had gone to Mexico, and Alyson was staying home.

“Yes, you do,” her therapist corrected her. “You have Chase.”

“He didn't ask me. He's playing a concert in Vegas.”

“Why don't you go? He'd be happy to see you, from everything you tell me.”

“I'm not ready.” She looked frightened as she said it.

“Do you suppose you're punishing yourself for staying married to a man you didn't love? And you didn't love yourself enough to leave him? Don't you think that was punishment enough?” Stephanie said nothing as tears filled her eyes, and the last piece of the puzzle fell into place. She felt as though she were choking and couldn't breathe. It was hard to hear, but it was true. She hadn't loved him in years. And now she was paying penance. Depriving herself of a man she did love, and who loved her. It was terrifying to hear. And she was still thinking about it when she was driving home.

All of the kids left the next day, the day before New Year's Eve, and Michael asked if she wanted to go to Las Vegas with him.

“He'd love to see you, Mom. Sandy said Christmas was really rough.” She just shook her head and tried not to cry.

“I want to stay here.” She really didn't, but didn't know what else to do.

She spent the night alone in the empty house, as she had for two months since she got back, with Pedro. And when she went to bed that night, she carefully took her wedding ring off and put it in the jewelry box on her dresser. She was done. At last.

New Year's Eve dawned bright and clear. It was a perfect day, and she took Pedro for a long walk. She hadn't heard from Chase in two days, and she knew he was busy. Their New Year's concert was a big deal. Michael was staying at the Wynn with Sandy and Chase.

And that afternoon, when she got back to the house, Stephanie opened a bottle of champagne and poured herself a glass. She planned to be asleep long before midnight. Jean called her from Mexico to see how she was, and Stephanie said she was fine.

She was playing with the dog in the kitchen, as he batted the gold bracelet on her wrist. It was bright and shiny and new, and she loved it. And Chase had sent her a text to thank her when he got the angel on the chain before he left Nashville. He said he loved it too and needed an angel in his life.

The dog kept playing with the bracelet, and as she pulled her wrist away from him, she read the words again. Carpe diem. Seize the day. It was everything Chase believed about life. It was how their story had started, and why she had gone to Nashville in the first place, and how she had fallen in love with him. They had seized the opportunities they'd been given, and suddenly she knew what she had to do. She didn't have to punish herself anymore. She had a right to this. And so did he. She grabbed the dog and ran upstairs. It was four o'clock, and she could get to the airport by five-thirty, if she could get a seat on a flight. They had one on a six-thirty flight to Vegas, and she booked it online. She threw the sequined jumpsuit he'd given her into a bag, with some jeans and sweaters and shoes, underwear, a nightgown, makeup, and toiletries, and ran out of the house at five. She stopped at a pet store and bought a traveling bag for Pedro. He was wearing his red sweater, and she bought him a tiny Santa hat at the pet store, and was on the highway to the airport by five-fifteen, and at the airport at twenty to six. And she made her flight. They were due to land in Las Vegas at seven-thirty. Jean called her as soon as they did.

“You sound breathless. Where are you?” Jean sounded a little drunk.

“I'm at the airport…in Las Vegas…”

“You go, girl!” Jean said, beaming. Finally, something decent was happening in someone's life. She was so pleased, she gave Fred a kiss on the cheek when she hung up.

“What's that for?” he asked with a look of surprise.

“Because you're cute, and I love your credit cards. Happy New Year,” she said, and he laughed.

“I love you, Jean, even if you are expensive as hell.” They went downstairs for dinner then, and he told her how nice she looked. She told him she should, her dress had cost him a fortune and was Lanvin. And they had a very nice dinner together.

By then, Stephanie had checked into the Wynn and had called the concierge. It was nine o'clock.

“I need a ticket for Chase Taylor's show,” she said, sounding desperate.

“I have two seats left for tomorrow's show at eight,” he said primly.

“I need one seat tonight, the eleven o'clock show, as close to the front as possible.”

“I'm sorry, we can't—” he started to say, and then paused. “I have a comp seat that someone is selling for five hundred dollars.”

“That's disgusting of them,” Stephanie said
disapprovingly.
“People who get comp seats should never sell them. They were a gift. But I'll take it. Put it on my bill.”

“Of course.”

An hour later, she bathed, did her makeup, brushed her hair, and put on the jumpsuit. Pedro was eating sliced turkey, and seemed to like the room, and had slept on the plane. And at the last minute she took him when she left the room. She put a sweater over her arm to hide him, and was at the theater at ten to eleven. It was the same theater where she had seen him perform for the first time, which seemed fitting, and an usher took her to a seat in the front row, and never noticed Pedro, who went to sleep on her lap. He still had his sweater and Santa hat on.

The show began fifteen minutes late. It was the opening band that had replaced Bobby Joe, and they were better than he was. She didn't see her son anywhere, and assumed he was backstage. And at twenty to twelve Chase came on, looking spectacular in black leather jeans and a black leather shirt she had bought him. He looked more beautiful than ever, and she just prayed he still wanted her. They had been apart for two months. The theater was pitch black as he started, and he opened with “The Country Boy and the Lady,” which she recognized immediately as one of the ones he had written to her. The audience was mesmerized and went wild when he finished. The fans were more excited than usual tonight, it was New Year's Eve, they'd had a lot to drink, and Chase was more on than she'd ever seen him. He connected with his audience and was electric on stage. He warned everyone as midnight approached and timed it perfectly. He sang one of his biggest hits as midnight ticked closer, and she quietly left her seat, holding Pedro, and approached the stage. Fans had already pressed closer, and a rim of people were standing right beneath him as he sang, and then as though he sensed her, he looked down, and saw her gazing up at him in the shiny black jumpsuit, with Pedro in her hands. At first all he saw were her eyes, and he almost stopped singing, and then sang right to her. He sang his heart out, and as the song ended and the clock struck midnight, she held Pedro up so he could see him, and he burst out laughing, and then told the audience that the next song was to the woman he loved. Stephanie just stood there and watched him. It was a beautiful song she hadn't heard yet. And his eyes never left hers as he sang it to her, while she watched him with all the love she felt for him in her eyes. The audience cheered at the end of the song, as an usher touched her shoulder and whispered to her.

“Mr. Taylor would like you to come backstage now.” He had taken a sip of water and must have signaled someone, and she followed the usher to the stage entrance, and into the wings, where Michael was standing, waiting for Sandy. His eyes grew wide when he saw his mother, and then the dog, and he grinned.

“I'm glad you're here, Mom,” he whispered and put an arm around her shoulders. “I'm not so sure about Pedro though.”

“I told him I'd spend New Year's Eve with him,” she whispered back, and they watched the rest of the show, both of them proud of the people they loved. His eyes never left Sandy, and she was listening to Chase with her eyes closed.

The applause at the end of the show was thunderous. He did four encores, and when the curtain came down, he came to find her, waiting for him, and holding the dog.

“That is the ugliest dog I have ever seen,” he said, smiling at her. He looked like a man who'd been starving, and had just seen his first meal in two months. “I love you, Stevie. That's all. I love you.”

“I love you too. I'm sorry I've been so stupid and took so long to figure it out.”

“You okay now?” he asked her, checking it out. He wanted to know now. The last two months had been the worst in his life.

“I'm fine,” she said, looking straight at him. “I'm not bringing you a damn thing except me, and the fact that I love you with all my heart, if that's good enough…and Pedro, of course.”

“That's all I ever wanted,” he said as he pulled her into his arms, put the dog down, and kissed her with all the force of the last lonely two months, when he had been terrified every day that he'd lost her. “I may have to get back to you about Pedro, though. I'll have to discuss that with Frank and George.”

“Tell them we're a package deal,” she said, as he looked at the Santa hat on the ridiculous dog with the blond mop of hair and laughed.

“Jesus, I love you, woman,” he said, as they walked toward his dressing room, and he smiled when he saw the bracelet on her arm. “You scared me to death.” Pedro was following them as though he knew this was where he belonged.