Covet Not (39 page)

“There’s
videos of…that sort of thing? People in bed together?”

Raphe nodded.
“Not just beds. Anywhere you can think, people are going to be fucking there,
and showing the world.”

Shula was
half-scandalized. “Like in church?”

“Oh there are
a lot of those. Priests, nuns, rosary beads…really good times had by all.”
Raphe laughed a bit. “Start small though. The journey is half the fun.”

Clara walked
in from the kitchen and looked at the both of them. Raphe almost naked and
Shula holding a laptop to her chest. “You told her about all the sex on the
Internet, didn’t you?”

Raphe just
smiled back at her.

LXIX

When Jared woke every morning,
he opened his computer to see if Shula had emailed him back. She hadn’t. He was
disappointed, but he would've been surprised if she had. He told her everything
he needed to say, and he would contact her again that evening, no matter how
futile.

He also had a
forwarded email from Sophia. It was of the baby. Several of them with and
without Agatha Hildegard. He would have them printed in Dallas, and take them
to Josephine.

“Anything?”

“Nope,” Jared
said with a clipped voice.

Jude looked
at him for a moment to see if it was safe to continue. They were brothers, but
their recent closeness was born of tragedy. He really didn’t know much of
Jared’s temperament at all, even though they had both been quiet boys. “Raphe
says she keeps to herself. Doesn't leave her room except to get food. They want
to give her enough space, but they don't want her to feel like she's unwelcome.
They plan to draw her out more. If anyone can cheer her up, Raphe would be the
one to do it, but he’s a lot to take sometimes. She’s likely behaving as she’d
been taught when it comes to men.”

Jared sat
heavily and Jude sighed. He knew Shula would come around, but Jared was letting
this eat him alive. They had other immediate things to deal with. Things that
would determine if they’d ever see their loved ones again. “Look. This is you
telling father that he can't touch what doesn't belong to him. And that we're
willing to do anything to keep our families safe. This is bigger than you.
Bigger than me. This is poison. And we've got to suck it out of the wound quickly
before we have to chop off a vital limb.

And you are.
It will be difficult for you both to see it, but she will understand it, then
you can grovel apologies for your communications skills. Because that’s all
this is.”

“That’s all
it is?” It didn’t feel as simple as that. “Because I’m ashamed of myself.
That’s what I’ve settled into. How would I be able to purge something like
that, and feel worthy of her again?”

Jude smiled
at him. “You're going to have a tough time of it, but I think she's going to
enjoy all your attempts at pursuing her. It’ll be the fastest way of getting
her back.”

“I never
pursued her the first time.” Jared sipped his coffee and realized that he
wasn’t sure if that was a possible dynamic for either of them. She would come
back to him because she knew that was expected of her. But he wanted her to
want him.

Jude was
quiet for a moment. “It's a shame. I think we should both make it a priority.”
He looked Jared in the eye. “Don’t make her think for a second that you could
possibly go on without her. Clara never really believed that I could, but
Father got her in a moment of weakness, after she’d found out she was pregnant,
and she had no defense against such a thought. She had Raphe, and I will always
feel indebted to him for caring for her.”

Jared nodded.
He understood it, if he didn’t think too hard about it. “Two lovers. I don't
really envy that.”

Jude laughed.
“Well, one is shockingly easy...and he told me he loved me.”

Jared looked
at Jude to make sure a smile was appropriate. “I don't see myself with anyone
besides Shula, so I think it's interesting. How you all seem to fit together.”

“I still
don't quite understand it. I think I would've spent my life doing my best with
Clara, even though I don't really notice women. I love her. I do. And Raphe was
a gift from her it seemed. Sort of a 'I know I'm not enough, but maybe if I
bring someone who
is
enough, well, maybe I can stay' situation. It makes
me sad thinking it. She was terrified that he would leave when she lost the
baby, and again when we took Josephine. She thought he would leave.”

“Has he
hinted he might?”

Jude shook
his head. “He reassures her constantly. He tells her he would never leave her.
I think somehow, she has ensnared us both. One inclined towards men, and one
inclined towards everyone. It may not be healthy or even right, but I will
defend what I have, until I can’t.”

“So...” Jared
glanced at his brother quickly. He didn’t want his mood to bring his brother
down. “Sex must be exhausting.”

Jude laughed.
“We're young, Brother. If we're not exhausted, we keep going until we are.”

Jared:
I’m not going to tell you I love you
tonight. You know I do. But you deserve to hear how it beats for you.

Jared decided
to message her every night before bed. He’d be at his most vulnerable and
pathetic. Love was a poor excuse for his behavior. He wore it like armor, but
used it as a bandage. It was pitiful. But he was growing angry. It would be
easy to go kill Father. It was Sophia holding him back. She was holding them
all as they dangled down off their strings.

But he knew
she was entitled, too. And she was keeping them all safe. He had to trust her.

Shula waited
every night. She wanted to write Jared back, but she was still hurt, and she
didn’t know how private the conversations were, even on her own machine. She’d
already inadvertently seen a conversation between Raphe and Jude, and it made
her cheeks turn a ruddy red when she thought of it. She felt an intense
protection over what she and Jared were to each other, though she didn’t
understand why she felt it was different than the others. She might not have
understood the three of them, and Raphe was a bonafide pervert, but even she
could see their affection towards each other.

She felt
alone and afraid. She didn’t know her place in the world without him. It was
too big and too loud, and the muchness of it all was suffocating.

LXX

Raphe:
Just so you know, I'm about to fuck your
wife.

Raphe had
been without Internet for so long that he could appreciate the novelty and
convenience of it now.

Seeing a
forwarded email from Sophia that contained photographs of Josephine with her
new family brought him joy. He looked closely at Agatha, and her cheeks were
pink and her eyes were red-rimmed, but she was less careful with her smile and
so pleased. It must've been difficult traveling all this way and not quite sure
if it might be too good to be true. There must've been moments of doubt and
holding onto it so it would hurt less.

But looking
at Agatha, Raphe knew he could've destroyed her. And while he loved the baby in
a way he wasn't quite familiar with, because it wasn't like anything else, he
knew he did the right thing.

The ache in
his chest wasn’t just for Jude.

It felt odd
to love a child. And maybe he should let his parents know he was safe. They
loved him like that once. He must've really been a trial. He allowed himself to
wallow in guilt, but only for a moment. He hoped the baby was spared his
disposition and took after her mother.

He kind of
doubted it, though. And by nature, Josephine was an Agnesson, and had proven to
be ambitious knowing she wasn’t long for this world.

It was
useless to guess. Nurture might win this one, and by the looks of Agatha
Hildegard, it looked like a very good thing.

He sent a
message to Jared asking to have them printed when they went to Dallas to be
with Josephine. He knew she would be beyond relieved to see them. Jared was
already one step ahead.

Jude:
You'd better. I love you both.

Raphe:
Love you.

Some days
were going to be hard without him, but he and Clara had practice having just
each other and he knew that even their hardest days would be nothing to
withstand the loneliness Jude would suffer.

Jude:
I don't know if I'll ever tire of hearing
you say that.

Raphe:
I love you. I love you. I love you.

Jude:
Save some for Clara.

Raphe:
I never neglect Clara. Do you think she
would wear a strap-on?

Jude:
A what?

Raphe:
A fake penis.

Jude:
How does that even remotely feel good?

Raphe:
It'll feel good to me.

Jude:
I'm half scandalized and half turned on.

Jude:
But NO. Clara is a lady. You will treat
her as such.

Raphe nearly
choked with laughter.

Raphe:
I can send you video of me fucking your
wife.

Raphe:
In her ass.

Jude:
Quit. He's looking at me.

Jude:
Wait. You can do that?

Raphe:
Is Jared going to let you pine away on
his computer all day? Of course I can. I’ll have you addicted to homemade
pornography before the week is out.

Jude:
He's pining, too. Oh! We picked up phones
on our way out. They are charging. Clara may not let you make an obscene video
of her.

Raphe:
Ah. Clever. AND CLEVER! She’ll jump in
pussy on fire if you tell her she *wouldn’t*. I think I’ll relay the message.
Should be a good time for me.

Jude:
You are…I don’t even know.

Raphe:
Don't I know it!

Jude:
I miss you. Terribly.

Raphe:
I don't want to do this. Just tell him
where I am. Or just shoot him in the head. Even in safety, he is controlling
us.

Jude:
I know. I'm sorry. Sophia wants it
airtight. She can't access any legal information, so she's going for what she
knows. Likely Father has different clauses if he winds up dead. He would need a
living wife to nullify those. And the baby makes him foolish.

Raphe:
I appreciate her fixing this all for us,
but I want a satisfying end. My behavior might make you think less of me, but I
want to celebrate it when he takes his last breath.

Raphe bit his
lip.

Raphe:
Are you sure we can trust her? She has
her own agenda because of her sister.

Jude:
I know. Jared and I talk about it. He
trusts her implicitly. I’m trying. She’s ruthless. She’s having his baby, and
to me that’s taking it too far. But Jared said it’s like she’s on a crusade and
seeing us all as trapped. She sees how Father enjoys it. She wants to take that
all from him.

Raphe:
And that’s why he has to live. I get it.
For now. If he’s not around to see his destruction, then what good was any of
this? Well, for her. We’d be free, but she needs this. I understand needing to
punish him.

Jude looked
behind him to see where Jared was, and turned back to the screen.

Jude:
Where do you see us when he’s gone?

Raphe:
What do you mean?

Raphe was
tired of Jude and Clara doubting him.

Jude:
Where do you want to live? In Texas or
Mexico, or somewhere else?

Raphe:
Well, where do you want to live?

Several
minutes went by.

Raphe:
Jude. Where do you want to live?

Jude:
I just want to be with the two of you.
Where we go is irrelevant.

Raphe
exhaled.

Raphe:
The farm will be yours. Or Sophia’s,
rather. You love it.

Jude:
I love you.

Raphe:
And I like the farm just fine. The
working bit isn’t much fun, but you make it up to me. I think the city would
make you restless, though a visit every now and then would be sufficient for
me.

Jude:
If you’re sure.

Raphe:
I’m sure that I want to be with you and
Clara. Wherever that takes us. I have nothing except the two of you and I don’t
want anything more than that.

Raphe:
Please don’t fucking doubt it. Don’t
doubt me.

Jude:
I’m sorry. Having the both of you is a
gift I feel I don’t deserve.

Raphe:
Then fight for it.

Jude:
This is less of a fight and more tortuous
limbo.

Raphe:
Until the baby. Then it will be straight
up debauchery. 

Raphe could
smell breakfast cooking, and he could hear Clara talking a mile a minute. She
was doing her best to keep Shula from being sad, even though Raphe knew she
would be for a while.

Raphe:
How is Jared?

Jude:
Quiet. In his own head. Coming to terms
that he didn’t leave her there because he was scared for her, but because he
felt useless and weak with her close, but feeling useless and weak that he
wasn’t strong enough to overcome his uselessness and weakness.

Raphe:
That’s normal for anyone, and even if it
wasn’t, he’s just overcoming the gravity of your father.

Jude:
As we all are.

Raphe:
As we all are.