Cowboy Cool: Book 5 (Cowboy Justice Association) (24 page)

K
aylee recoiled in horror at Reed’s bald statement. His words were bleak and filled with anguish. He’d been put in an impossible situation. Wanting the woman he loved to live and yet being asked to help her die. Kaylee had no idea what she’d do in the same situation.

“I’m sure she didn’t mean that. She was probably just upset by her prognosis,” she said desperately. Reed’s eyes were shiny in the low light of the room, his features haggard as if he’d aged twenty years since this morning. The cool, suave cowboy cop she’d met a week ago was replaced by a man in an incredible amount of pain. He’d been hurting for so long he’d simply stopped trying to live. But he hadn’t stopped the pain, he’d only masked it.

“She meant it,” he replied grimly. “But there was no way I could shoot the woman I love in the head. No way. Then she suggested that I help her take a bunch of pain pills. She would go in her sleep supposedly. God help me, I just couldn’t do it. I kept thinking there would be a miracle or something. Some procedure or drug that would save her and everything would go back to the way it was before. But it never happened, and I watched as she did suffer. In those last months she never let me forget that I’d let her down.”

Reed may have been a married man but he’d also been a
young
man. Very young for those kind of adult responsibilities. Of course he’d been hoping for a miracle. If Kaylee had learned anything about Reed this week, she had seen how he valued life. He was willing to protect hers and he barely knew her. He protected his town and heck, had agreed to stay in her home so that Ava’s blood pressure wouldn’t go up.

He cared. Whether he liked it or not.

Kaylee took a few breaths to slow her pounding heart that ached in sympathy for what Reed had been through.

“Reed,” she began carefully, “it wasn’t fair of Julie to put all that on you. And it wasn’t fair to blame you when you couldn’t do it. Why didn’t she ask anyone else?”

He reared back in surprise. “Anyone else? I was her husband.”

“Yes, but it sounds like she had lots of people around to support her through this. What about her brothers? Or her parents? Or even her friends? Why did she lay all this on you?”

He seemed confused by her questions. “I was her husband,” he repeated as if that explained it all. But it didn’t.

“Did she ever try to do it herself?”

Reed frowned. “No, of course not.”

“Do you think maybe…perhaps…she asked you
because
she knew you would say no? If she’d known you that long, she would know that you couldn’t help her take her own life, Reed. Maybe there was a part of her that deep down wanted to live and hope for that miracle you talked about. Maybe that subconscious part of her knew you’d say no. I’m sure she was terrified of what the cancer was going to do to her and that despair made her just want to end everything. But she was young and in love. Surely she had some hope. Deep inside? If she really and truly wanted to die, I’m sure there were ways for her to do it. But she didn’t.”

“I–” Reed shook his head. “I don’t understand what you’re saying. Are you saying she wanted me to say no? That she really didn’t want to die?”

“I don’t know for sure,” Kaylee said helplessly. She was a writer, not a psychologist, but she’d made a study of people’s hopes, dreams, and motivations. “But isn’t it worth thinking about? She was depending on you to make sense of something that was incomprehensible.”

Too agitated to keep still, Reed levered from the couch and leaned against the fireplace mantle. “If she wanted me to say no, then why did she hate me for it? She said I didn’t love her.”

“Maybe she hated herself because she believed she lacked the courage to go through with it. I don’t know why she said the things she did but I do know that you loved her. If you didn’t you sure as hell wouldn’t be ripping yourself up like this. You wouldn’t have given up your entire life to her memory as if you don’t have a right to be happy.”

“I don’t have a right to be happy. I ruined what was left of her life.”

Dear God, he’d been torturing himself for so long. Logic and common sense had long fled and only pure emotion and regret were driving him.

“I don’t believe that for a second. Knowing you, you stood by her every day that she had left. Didn’t you, Reed?”

His forehead was resting on his arm and she couldn’t see his face but she saw his head nod. “I stayed with her night and day. I quit school and tried to spend every moment I could with her, making things as good for her as I could.” He paused. “She liked banana popsicles.”

A good memory. That was a start. “Is that what you would bring her when she wasn’t feeling good?”

He nodded again. “Popsicles helped her stomach. The pain medication they had her on was strong and she was sick to her stomach a lot. I would rub her forehead when she got bad headaches. She liked that.”

“What else did you do to care for her?” Kaylee asked softly, afraid to break the spell. Reed was remembering how he’d cared—loved—Julie.

He straightened and moved to the front window, his shoulders stiff with tension. “I’d do silly stuff to try and make her laugh. You know, sing or tell bad jokes. I’d bring her books at first, but her headaches got too bad for her to be able to read so I would read to her, anything she wanted. Towards the end she couldn’t do much for herself so I would help her in the bath, washing her hair and then combing it smooth. She wanted to look nice even when she was sick.” He turned and two small silver streaks of tears ran down his cheeks. “I held her every night. She was the most scared then, always saying she was afraid she wouldn’t wake up.”

Kaylee’s throat clogged with emotion and she had to blink to keep the tears from falling. How terrified Julie must have been. Sick and in pain. Dying young and leaving behind her husband and family. Her future. It was no wonder she had lashed out in anger and frustration.

But Kaylee wasn’t convinced Julie had been mad at Reed.

Reed had simply been
there
. And if Julie knew she was loved unconditionally, lashing out at him would have been the safest thing to do.

“That sounds like the most wonderful kind of love to me. I would die a happy woman if someone loved me that much,” Kaylee said simply. She meant every word. “Your Julie was a lucky woman to have you love her like that.”

The pain and anguish in his expression was too much. He might not welcome her touch but she needed to hold him. She went to him and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist, so solid and strong.

“Julie’s out of her pain, Reed. But you’re not. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you’ve done wrong. I guarantee you Julie has. You don’t have to carry this around with you anymore.
You loved her
. You are a man capable of loving deeply.”

Her tone was fierce but she had to get through to him. If he was capable of hurting this badly for so long, he was capable of loving for a lifetime. He deserved to be loved more than anything even if it wasn’t Kaylee he chose to do it with.

Because she loved him, his happiness was paramount. If she couldn’t make him happy, she wanted him to find someone who could.

His long thick lashes were wet and his arms held her so tightly she could barely breathe. “I want to believe that. I really want to.” He shook his head. “But I don’t know how anymore. I’ve been this way for so long…I don’t know if I can change or if I even want to.”

She was asking him to give up a belief system that he’d carried around for more than a decade. The pain he felt every single day had become such a part of him he thought he’d miss it when it was gone. That pain had become a shield that kept the rest of the world out and made him feel safe. How could she make him see that he could fill himself with so much joy and love if he would only let go of the past?

“You have to want it. You have to want a future more than you want to hold on to the past.”

The pain in her heart felt like it was ripping her in two. Despite all her protests and declarations to the contrary, she wanted a future with Reed Mitchell.

It was a future she wasn’t going to have. He loved Julie. Maybe if he loved Kaylee too he might want to let go, but he didn’t.

And just like Reed all those years ago, Kaylee would take whatever time he had to give her. She was greedy for every moment and every day. She’d make the most of this and build memories that would last her a lifetime. Because she had that same hope in her heart for a miracle. But in her case, she would hold on to the joy and not the disappointment and sadness.

“I don’t know what I want,” Reed said heavily. “Talking about this has been fucking exhausting. Now I know why I haven’t done it before.”

“You did good tonight. I’m proud of you.”

“I thought you might hate me,” he admitted, rubbing his chin on the top of her head. “I thought you might think I’d let her down.”

“Never,” she stated. “I’d never think that. Forgive yourself. No one is holding on to this but you.”

“I am so fucked up, honey. So fucking damaged. I can’t think why you’ve stood here tonight and listened to me.”

She opened her mouth to tell him of her love but quickly snapped it shut and pressed her lips together tightly. Telling him would be about her needs, not his. He was clearly in no shape to deal with someone else’s emotions and wants. He could barely deal with his own. She couldn’t burden him like that, couldn’t be that selfish.

“I think you are an amazing man,” she said instead. “I think it’s amazing how you’ve carried this all these years. There’s a lot of strength inside of you.”

“I don’t feel that way. Shit, I don’t know how I feel.”

“Don’t pressure yourself to feel anything for awhile,” Kaylee offered. “Just…be. See how that feels.”

“Just be, huh? That’s a novel idea.” His hand stroked her hair and she burrowed closer to him, rubbing her cheek on the cotton shirt covering his chest.

“It’s been a long day. Maybe we should go to bed and get some sleep. That always makes me feel better. You don’t have to decide the rest of your life tonight. In fact, I’d advise against it.”

All she wanted to do was curl up next to him and hold him all night long to keep the demons away.

“That’s the best idea I’ve heard all day.” He tipped her chin up so she was looking into his eyes. “Thank you, honey.”

“For what?” she said, cupping his face in her hands, his beard rough against her palms. “I didn’t do anything.”

“You believe in me. Even though I don’t believe in myself.”

She bit back the urge to tell him she would always believe in him, always love him. Instead she linked her arm in his and led him towards the stairs. Hopefully he could find some peace, not just tonight but forever.

*   *   *   *

Kaylee’s lids fluttered open and her gaze took in the morning sun beginning to peep through the curtains. She was stretched out against the long length of Reed’s body, her sleep as undisturbed as it could be under the circumstances. A few times last night she’d stirred, but he’d settled her into the crook of his arm and she’d fallen back to sleep feeling safe and warm in his arms.

His eyes were open and it looked as if he had been awake for awhile. “Morning.”

“Good morning.” She scraped her wild hair out of her face. “Did you sleep at all?”

“Some.” He nodded. “Enough.”

Lifting up on her elbow, she rested her chin on his chest. “Too much to think about? Did you come to any conclusions?”

Her fingers traced the ridges of his stomach idly. “Sure did. I decided about five this morning that I don’t want to think about it for a little while. I’ll worry about it tomorrow or maybe later today. I was thinking I’d try that ‘just be’ thing you were talking about.”

He rolled her on her back, hovering above her. His face was covered with dark stubble and his hazel eyes were blurry from sleep or the lack of but at that moment he was the most beautiful man she’d ever seen.

That man proceeded to make love to her very softly, sweetly, and slowly as if she was the most precious thing on this earth. His lips were gentle on her own, coaxing and teasing a response before he nipped and licked a trail down her jaw and to her ear, giving it a bite and then soothing it with his tongue.

Her heart tripped in her chest and arousal began building in her abdomen as his mouth traveled down her neck and over her shoulder. Her body arched in invitation and he accepted it without a word. They’d said so many last night and there weren’t any that were going to make this situation better. Kaylee would let her body do the talking for her this morning.

His tongue traced a damp line to her nipple and lapped at the tip, running circles around the areola before softly blowing on the hard bud. She moved restlessly under him but he was in no hurry, repeating the torture on the twin until she was gasping, her fingernails digging into the muscles of his shoulders.

Her eyes closed in ecstasy when his lips kissed a wet trail down her quivering belly. He pushed her thighs apart and bent his head, the tip of his tongue lashing at her clit over and over, her entire body tensing and on the edge. He gave her no mercy, teasing her, her fingers clutching the sheets for dear life as she moaned and panted her approval.