Cowboy Wisdom (10 page)

T
he cowboy’s usually the one on top.

—
Way Out West
by J
ANE
and M
ICHAEL
S
TERN
1993
and my A
UNT
C
ANDY
1994

W
hen Roy dies, I’m going to have him stuffed and mounted on top of Trigger.

—D
ALE
E
VANS

J
ealousy’s a funny thing with women. A man gets jealous, he gets right to the bottom of it. He screams, yells, shoots, whatever
it takes to clear the air. But a woman, she just stews and plots and waits. It’s almost enough to scare a man onto the straight
and narrow.

—J
ACK
M
C
M
AHON
Casper, Wyoming 1946

I
fell in love with a very beautiful woman and married her, but I was tortured by the fear that she was unfaithful to me; so
one day, in order to satisfy my doubts, I told her that I would visit my parents in Magdalena.

That evening I went down and took the train, but at the first station I got off and walked back to my house. Sure enough,
there was a light in my wife’s bedroom and in great excitement I crept up and looked through the keyhole. But some clothes
were hung over a chair in front of it and I could not see. Neither could I see through the crack of the door.

I thought then of looking through the transom, but as you see I am a very short man and, as there was nothing for me to stand
on, I took out this eye and held it up to the transom. There, instead of another man, I beheld my poor wife sitting upon the
bed and weeping over my picture. This so agitated me that I ran from the house and clear to the railroad station, resolved
that she should never know of my suspicions. But in my excitement I still carried my eye in my hand, and when I reached the
station it was so cold and had swelled up so that I could never get it back in.

—E
L
T
UERTO

T
here was an unwritten law, recognized by the good women of the towns as well as of the country, that whenever a party of cow
hunters rode up and asked to have bread baked, it mattered not the time of day, the request was to be cheerfully complied
with. Not from fear of insult in case of refusal—for each and every cowboy was the champion defender of womanhood, and would
have scorned to have uttered a disrespectful word in her presence—but from an accommodating spirit and a kindness of heart
which was universally characteristic in those frontier days. I remember the many times that cow hunters rode up to my father’s
house, and, telling my mother they were out of bread, asked that she would kindly bake their flour for them. Everything was
at once made ready. The sack was lifted from the pack horse and brought in, and in due time the bread wallets were once more
filled with freshly cooked biscuit, and the cowboys rode away with grateful appreciation. These acts of consideration on the
part of my mother were entirely gratuitous, but the generous-hearted cowboys would always leave either a half-sack of flour
or a money donation as a free-will offering.

—L
UTHER
A. L
AWHON
San Antonio, Texas c. 1920

B
eing the only woman in camp, the men rivaled each other in attentiveness to me. They were always on the lookout for something
to please me, a surprise of some delicacy of the wild fruit, or prairie chicken, or antelope tongue.

—M
RS
. A
MANDA
B
URKS
Cotulla, Texas c. 1920

A
t every stopping place, the men made little fires in their frying pans, and set them around me, to keep off the mosquitos
while I took my meal. As the columns of smoke rose about me, I felt like a heathen goddess to whom incense was being offered.

—C
AROLINE
L
EIGHTON
en route to Puget Sound c. 1884

G
et down there and pick it up, you ignorant bastard. Haven’t you got any manners when you’re with ladies?

—B
ELLE
S
TARR
to her husband, Blue Duck, after losing her hat to a gust of wind
Fort Smith, Oklahoma Territory c. 1875

I
saw how a man meets his wife, this was in Oklahoma at a legion dance. The feller was standin’ with me and the boys talkin’
about horses mostly but also wimmin a little bit. There was a new girl in town from Texas I think or from Loosianna and all
the girls was watchin’ out for her but she knew what she wanted, that feller. She walked over to him and smiled and when he
smiled back she stuck a hook in the corner of his mouth. He didn’t feel a thing, he didn’t even see it go in. So then she
went back over to the bench where her girlfriends were sitting waiting for us gents to call on them for a dance. After that
she didn’t do much except smile and slowly reel the feller in until he was wagglin’ and thrashin’ around on her bank, wondering
what worm did he swallow and when. Now they have four boys and a half-section.

—E
LMER
F
ITCH
Northbranch, Kansas 1933

Y
ou must go down to the stream at twilight, sit on the bank, and wait for my niece to come down and fetch water. You will find
other young men waiting for her, and probably one or two of them will jump up and throw their blankets over her head and talk
to her. You must watch, and when you see the first sent away by her, and the second, and perhaps also the third, you will
try your luck. I am inclined to think you will succeed where others have failed. When you have thrown your blanket well over
her head, and popped your own beneath it, you can tell her all, and I will answer for it she will listen. You can tell her
you love her, that you admire her, and that if she will marry you, you will give her every comfort and necessary—in fact,
tell her all the nonsense young men tell girls when they want to marry. You will go down to the stream, go through the same
performance, repeat the same words, every evening for ten evenings. At the end of that time, you will return to me and report
the result. Go now, my son; I do not wish to speak to you on the subject until then, so be good enough not to refer to it
again.

—C
HIEF
S
POTTED
T
AIL
’s instructions to
John Young Nelson on the proper methodology for courting his niece, Wom-bel-ee-zee-zee
Platte River, Nebraska 1843

I
never thought I’d marry anybody but a cowboy. Maybe that’s why I’m still not married.

—R
OSIE
northern Nevada c. 1990

N
othing men do surprises me. I’m ready for them. I know how to whack below the belt.

—P
ATSY
C
LINE
Nashville 1960

S
unday, May 24, 1840. Rested well last night. Awoke about 4 o’clock a.m. Rather restless. Arose at 5. Helped about milking.
But by the time I had done that found it necessary to call my husband & soon the Dr. I had scarcely time to dress & comb my
hair before I was too sick to do it. Before eight was delivered of a fine daughter with far less suffering than the birth
of our son. The morning was pleasant. In the p.m. fine thunder shower. Babe very quiet. Think it weighs not more than eight
pounds.… Have been reading Mrs. Trollopes Domestic Manual of the Americans the past two weeks, find her disgustingly interesting.

—M
ARY
W
ALKER
Waiilattu, Oregon 1840

N
o English gals for me. Give me a Kentucky gal or a Texas gal or a Kansas gal every time, a gal who knows how to cook ol’ corn
bread and make good coffee. What them English gals want? Tea and white bread all the time. Where you all gonna find tea and
white bread in a cow camp?

—G
US
W
HITE
Wheeler County, Texas c. 1880

O
ur furniture consisted of a pioneer bed, made by boring three holes in the logs of the wall in one corner, in which to drive
the rails. Thus the bedstead required but one leg. The table was a mere rough shelf, fastened to the wall, and supported by
two legs. The smaller shelves answered for a cupboard, and were amply sufficient for my slender supply of dishes, which comprised
mostly tinware, which, in those days, was kept scrupulously bright and shining. My sugar bowl, cream jug, steel knives and
forks (two-tined), and one set of German silver teaspoons, I had bought with my own little savings before my marriage.