Crash (13 page)

“This is incredible.”

Will blinked in the sunlight and smiled at me. “I told you.”

We walked through the tunnel into the heart of the town. According to a placard in front of it, the tunnel was erected after a disastrous flood in 2010. My suitcase rolled and bumped on the cobblestones. Ahead of me, the stone path lifted and snared around the hill, which would lead to the next village, but Will and I turned left to find our bed and breakfast. There were markets and restaurants, tourists lifting heavy cameras from their necks to document every spectacular angle. My eyes moved restlessly from detail to detail. There were just a thousand things to look at and my brain couldn’t process them fast enough.

The street became steep and my legs strained, until finally there was a sign, “Villa Steno.” Lemon trees surrounded the cheery, yellow building and we rolled into the tiny lobby.

“We’re excited to have you here, Mr. Pardini.” The receptionist handed him the keys to our room and she showed us the way, with only the slightest hesitation at the cat sitting on top of Luke’s luggage.

“Breakfast is from seven to nine, we also serve drinks in the lobby after seven. There’s a terrace on the roof where people like to have drinks. Here’s your room.”

The sunshine-yellow room had a double bed. She walked across to open the patio doors and we received a magnificent view of the town and ocean.

“Here are trail maps for hiking. If there’s anything else you need, please don’t hesitate to ask.”

Will nodded at her, looking pleased with the arrangements. There was a safe in the closet, a desk, several chairs, but for me the greatest thing was the patio, which overlooked the tiny village and the sea. Tom jumped out of his cage the moment he was freed and dashed outside to perch on the patio wall. The door closed softly and finally Will and I were alone.

“What do you think?”

He slid up behind me and curled his arm around my waist. After seven days of rainy, cloudy British skies, the sunshine pouring over my face was a welcome reprieve. I turned into Will’s arms and nestled my head under his chin.

“I love it.” I played with the fingers wrapped around my waist and felt his chest swell and exhale a long breath. “It’s amazing.”

I watched Tom bathe himself on the wall, his fur gleaming in the sun. Surrounding the patio were dozens of lemon trees and brightly colored homes, which faced the rolling ocean.

My body relaxed in Will’s arms, but at the same time my heart was galloping forward. “This is nice.”

A deep sound of assent rumbled through his chest. “Yeah, it’s beautiful here.”

“No, I meant being held like this.”

I turned around in his arms and looked up at his face, which stared down at me with unhidden longing. I lifted myself on my toes and kissed him softly, with a hint of my tongue sweeping inside to make him long for more.

His breath shuddered when I pulled back sharply, his fingers kneading my back. The battle raged behind his eyes. “Natalie, I want you, but—”

“But nothing. I want you, too. So why can’t we?”

His eyes blazed and then they clouded, as if he had been dealt a serious blow. “I don’t deserve you.”

I was worried by the expression on his face—he looked really low. Even his voice sounded as if he’d lost all of its energy. “Why not?”

“I’m a terrible person and I don’t deserve to suck down the same oxygen as everyone else.”

Everything slammed to a screeching halt and I looked at the broken man standing in front of me.

“
Jesus,
Will! Have you been taking your medication?” I slipped from his arms and charged towards the bed, where his bag sat. I rifled through it and found two empty prescription bottles. A hollow feeling swallowed me as I held them in my hands.

“I dumped them in the toilet,” he admitted, crossing his arms.

“Why the hell would you do that?”

“Because I was numb—I couldn’t feel anything. Grief, remorse, guilt—they’re all normal, human emotions and I can’t just take a pill to shut everything out. I have to deal with it.”

Not again
, I thought desperately. Images of Jessica lying in a pool of her own blood from her slashed wrists burned in my mind. “But suicide, Will—”

“I don’t want to kill myself,” he said sharply. “I just sometimes wish that I were dead. Don’t you?”

I shook my head violently. “No! Will, that is beyond fucked up. You need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to feel better. Making one mistake doesn’t mean that you deserve to be tortured forever.”

 He smiled humorlessly. “One mistake,” he said blackly. “It was more like three.”

Three? What does that mean? Three people?

My body seized as he walked past me, his face suffused with so much hatred that for a moment I was terrified. He slammed the bathroom door shut as I sank on the bed, numb with shock.

* * *

Will found me on the terrace an hour later, drawing more sketches. He said nothing about what happened earlier, he only threw a backpack at me and told me that I was expected to hike with him.

My mind reeled with what he told me—and the things he hadn’t. I resolved myself to ask him what happened when we got back from hiking.
He needs help. I doubt anyone knows what he's going through.
I thought about calling Luke, but I knew that Will wouldn’t want anyone to know about his issues. From the tense look on his face, I knew that he regretted the meltdown in our hotel room.

I really understood why Luke warned me about him. He wasn't stable. He didn't take his medication; he was completely fucked up with guilt. Borderline suicidal. I already went through that with Jessica, and I knew that I didn't want to spend years trying to fix someone, but that didn't mean that I had no sympathy for him.

Will and I walked along the uneven path, saying little and quietly appreciating the spectacular scenery. Every so often I would glance to my right and just stop to gaze at the endless deep blue water that shifted into a vivid turquoise when it approached the shore. Combined with the bright green grape vine-covered hills and the colorful houses, it all looked like a highly colored, vivid dream. None of it seemed possible, and yet, I was here. I walked on the trails and observed it all with my eyes. We climbed high up the hill until our village was just a tiny handful of brightly colored boxes, shining like a beacon. Green, luscious vegetation surrounded our path; endless rows of grapes wound around the hills, reminding me of California. On the way up, a man-sized hole was cut in a chain-link fence, revealing a tiny wooden stand and a man crouched underneath. A crude wooden sign said, “Fresh Limoncello and Lemonade!”

Tired hikers stopped to buy small cups of fresh lemonade from the exuberant salesman behind the hole in the fence. The sun beating down on our backs made a cup of fresh lemonade sound very appealing, but I decided to try the limoncello instead. Cinque Terre was known for its lemon liquor and I still hadn’t tried it.

“Do you want to have some?"

He shook his head. “I don't drink."

Nevertheless, William entered the queue to buy my drink, refusing my offer to pay. He returned with a small glass of acid-yellow liquid and a plastic cup of lemonade for himself. He smiled as I took a sip. It was very sweet but refreshing. He laughed at me.

“What's so funny?"

“You're going to fall on your ass. That stuff is pretty strong."

I shrugged. “I don't feel anything." I took another swig of the almost sickly sweet beverage and smacked my lips.

“That's because you're standing still."

Sure enough, when I took a step and lurched upwards, I stumbled. My ears burned as William’s laughter rang out on the narrow path. It annoyed me, but it was so nice to see him smile that I didn't object. My mind swimming, I focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

I yelped as I collided with Will’s stationary body and would have fallen down if he hadn’t grabbed my arm.

“Sorry,” I gasped as I righted myself. “I wasn’t watching where I was going.”

“Lightweight,” he muttered. “Try not to kill us both, will you?”

I felt another wave of warm dizziness that had nothing to do with alcohol as he squeezed my arm. We continued up the trail and I drank the bottle of water to shake the warm sleepiness from my limbs. Gradually, the buzz from the limoncello melted away and we were rewarded with an incredible view of the next village, Vernazza. The pile of multicolored buildings sat directly on the beach below the green hills, wrapping around a tiny harbor where a half dozen boats rocked from the ocean waves.

We stood there for a while, taking pictures of the village and appreciating the view before we began the descent down. 

Gradually the path became level. Ahead of us was a picnic table with a sign and a blue bucket hanging on a tree. A tabby cat sat on the table, licking himself. The sign was in Italian. William moved his lips soundlessly as he read the sign and his face darkened.

“What does it say?"

“It just says to feed the stray cats with the food in the bucket."

We stood in a small clearing in a forest area. Several yellow eyes blinked at me from hanging, low branches. A black cat watched us from the arm of a tree, another one scratched its claws on the bark of a tree, and yet another dashed from bush to bush. Another cat leapt on the table and meowed plaintively at us. Will outstretched his hand and the cat immediately bumped its head against his knuckles.

“Poor bastards,” he sighed.

On closer inspection, we saw that many of the cats had filthy, mite-infested ears. Some were limping badly, and others had sores in their mouths. 

“I wish I could help them.”

Apparently, he had a soft spot for animals. I wanted to roll my eyes at the whole thing, but Will looked upset at the state of the animals.

“Well, why can’t you? Just hire people to trap the cats and bring them to a vet in town. It’s a huge waste of time, but it’s obviously important to you. I can’t wait to see the headlines, ‘Foreign Billionaire Saves Cats of Cinque Terre.’”

Will looked at me like I had just sprouted an extra head. “You’re a genius.”

“What?”

“I’ll make a few calls later.”

You should fix your own problems, first
. My head boiled with it, but I said nothing. I would confront him about it later when we had more privacy.

Still, the cat situation seemed to pull him out of the well of depression and he talked excitedly about what he was going to do to help. He was going to set up a trap, neuter, and release program and pay locals to take them to the vets in La Spezia.

I already regretted mentioning my idea to Will. We needed to focus on completing his campaign. There were even more cats when we descended to Vernazza. They prowled the cobblestone streets and hopped on chairs to beg from tourists eating lunch. Will pet the ones that approached him, grief stirring in his eyes when they pawed his hand.

“I didn’t know you were such a bleeding heart,” I said as I stroked the yellowed, filthy fur of a white cat.

“I like animals. I feel like I ought to help them, especially when I have the means to do so.”

I stood up and brushed my fingers lightly over his hair.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
It added a sweet, sensitive side of him I’d never witnessed before. Will was always so abrasive that it was bizarre to see him obsess over a handful of stray cats.

“You can’t save every single cat.”

“I know.” He frowned at me and stood up, dusting off his hands.

“I think I’ve one more village in me and then I should head back to start working.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

The ascent to the next town made my thighs scream in protest, but the views were perhaps the most breathtaking. We were on the edge of the terrace, looking down at the inviting ocean stretched out as far as I could see.

“Let’s just stay here,” I said wistfully. “You can buy a place and we can stay here—you can rescue cats and I can sell my paintings to tourists. You speak Italian—it would be perfect!”

Will turned around with a happy, mischievous gleam in his eyes. “Oh, yeah? You’d be happy staying here, playing house? What about all of your ambition?”

Watching the rolling waves had me hypnotized. “All of that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.”

“You would get bored of it. And I would drive you crazy.”

William wiped the sheen of sweat from his brow with the back of his dark hand and squinted at me under the sun.

Why is he so determined to push me away?

"I don't think I could ever get bored around you. I can never predict what you’ll do next.”

“Why do you want me, Natalie?” he asked suddenly.

Are you kidding me?
I wanted to scream. “I want you for your money, that’s all.”

He smirked. “I would believe that, except that you haven’t asked me to buy you anything this whole trip.” He was looking at me as though he had never seen anything quite like me.

I gave him a faint smile. “Maybe I’m just waiting until we’re married.” I laughed out loud at his widened eyes. “Relax, I’m just teasing.”

He shook his head and scowled at me with a don’t-joke-about-things-like-that expression. “You really just seem like a normal, middle class girl. Why would you want me?”
Why would you want all of my baggage?

I brushed his hair from his face and fingered the back of his neck and ear. He closed his eyes. “You’re selling yourself short. You’re a great guy and you’re fun to be around. Maybe it’s because you make me feel like I’m special. You realize you could get any girl you wanted, right?”

The realization of that fact made my heart clench with pain. I was not a great catch—I was just normal. Even he admitted it.

“Yes, but when you’re constantly surrounded by people tripping over themselves to impress you, you start looking for something different. Someone like you. You treat me like you would anyone else. I’ve never met a girl who made me feel—normal.”

Normal? Was that a good thing to be? I always raged against being normal, hating my perfect background because it made my whole life seem so inadequate. To only reach so far with so much help and education seemed mediocre. And yet, William liked me because of it. I wasn’t the type to bend to his every demand. I didn’t take advantage of his wealth. Was it that hard to find someone who was like me?