Crash (24 page)

His deep voice rolled over me with all of the words I wished he said days ago. “You tossed me out of your apartment and said you didn’t care anymore.” The memory of that horrible moment throbbed in my chest.

Will looked like he was in pain. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yes, you did. I’m not going to sit here and listen to you talk about how you don’t want to exist anymore.” I ripped his hands from my face as tears streamed down my face.

Will looked stricken. “I’m willing to get help. Don’t give up on me, Natalie. Please.”

I shook my head, unable to prevent Will’s arms from wrapping around me, holding me against his bare chest. My body went rigid, as if I could prevent it from feeling anything good.
God, I miss him
.

“Thank you for coming with me today. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without you.”

I wish I were more than that
. My heart sank as he gently disengaged his arms from around me. “Yeah,” I said without looking at him. “No problem.”

Grabbing for the doorknob, I wrenched it open and left before he could say another word.

Chapter 12

I woke up at five and it took me hours to peel my body from the bed. One week passed since I visited the families with Will. Over the next few days, articles started appearing about the Metsky family forgiving Will, with pictures of them embracing. The storm was dying. Everything was slowly getting back to normal.

Except that I still felt like crap. My phone was off. Will called twice, but I let it go to voicemail along with my parents’ attempts to reach me. Every time I thought of them, dread pounded my heart and I felt like I was going to pass out from panic. Thanksgiving was this Thursday and Jessica was nowhere to be seen. I was pretty sure that she was avoiding me, or maybe she was trying to give me space, but all it succeeded in doing was making me feel abandoned. I completed the mock-up of Will’s website, but I still hadn’t showed him.

Even my new job couldn’t drag me out of this depression, and the new workplace was amazing. At every meeting there were banquets of free food, cocktail parties every Friday starting at three, but every day I passed Will’s empty office and felt the void in my chest ache. I heard that he would come back next week and felt worried about it.

It was like I absorbed his depression and rage. He might have healed, but I was still broken. I gave too much of myself to him.
This happens all the time. I always help other people, and in the end I’m left with nothing. I’m empty.

In the kitchen, I started a pot of coffee, not caring about the mountain of dishes piled in the sink, or the dirty floors. My stomach rumbled with hunger, but I couldn’t be bothered to fix myself breakfast. All I could do was sit there alone and listen to the clock. Everyone at work had the week off because of the holiday. I couldn’t bear to listen to another voicemail of my mother threatening to invite Ben over if I didn’t bring Will. I couldn’t bear to tell her that he wasn’t coming.

 A surge of anger leapt in my chest and I decided that I was going to send the mock-up of the website to Will. I wouldn’t send a message, just the image. And that would be the last time I did anything for him. I was tired of being used. I charged over to my room and sent it to his email. I smiled with a grim satisfaction as it sent to him.

Then I just felt small
. You’re being petty
.

The doorbell rang and I walked to the front door, having no clue who it could be. Astonished, I opened the door to see Jessica.

Luke stood beside her, looking unusually radiant. Jessica, on the other hand, looked miserable. It was strange to see their conflicting emotions.

Whatever.
I walked away from the door, leaving it hanging open. I was being rude, but I didn’t really care about manners anymore. I returned to my perch on the kitchen table and watched as Luke walked in a beeline straight towards me.

“Natalie, we tried calling but it kept going to voicemail.”

“I turned off my phone,” I said miserably.

“Well, I wanted to thank you for what you’ve done for me.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Um—which is?” I had no idea what he was talking about.

He bounced on his feet and gave me a playful smile. “Oh, come on! Uncle Dominic gave me all my shares back. He said it was all down to you. I don’t know how you swung it, but I am really grateful.” He stooped down on his knees and actually grabbed my shoulders so that he could hug me.

I completely forgot about the bargain I tried to make with Will’s dad. I stared at Jessica over his shoulder, both of us sharing looks of complete shock.

“Natalie, what’s happened?”

Unlike Luke, she knew immediately that something was wrong with me. I could see her looking at the dirty and the dishes. Luke’s arms were still tight around my back and it reminded me of Will somehow and then I burst into tears, clinging to his shoulders.

“Natalie—what?”

Luke cupped my cheek and I pulled away, sobbing like a baby. “No, don’t!”

He let me go and I collapsed into my hands on the dirty table, my neck burning from humiliation.

“Natalie,” Jessica muttered, approaching me with a wad of paper towels. “Don’t. Let me clear this off the table.”

“No!” I shouted, almost angrily. “Just leave it! Leave it! It’s fine the way it is!”

Jessica stopped with the balled up towels in her hand, looking frightened. “Okay.”

“I knew you shouldn’t have left her alone,” Luke said in a sharp voice.

They began to argue, but I didn’t listen to it. “Will,” I moaned.

“Will? What about him?” Jessica asked in a soft voice.

“He broke my fucking heart.” I almost wanted to laugh at how cheesy that sounded, but it was true. It was absolutely true and I couldn’t stop crying. I took the wad of paper towels from Jessica and smothered my face.

Luke stood up with balled fists at his sides. “I’m going to have a word with him!”

“NO!”

Both of us shouted in unison. I looked at my best friend and felt a rush of affection for her.

“I don’t want to see him,” I gasped. “I just want to forget him.”

Jessica’s hand soothed my back. “Okay. I’m sorry for leaving you here, I just didn’t know what to do.”

His hand tightened over his smartphone. He looked like he was dying to call his cousin. I knew that he would the moment he left my apartment and there was nothing I could say to stop it.

“Goddamn it. I knew this would happen. I knew it!”

Jessica and I stared at him. Luke rarely swore.
He must be really upset
.

“Natalie, I hate to do this but we have a flight to Chicago. We’re spending Thanksgiving with his uncle.”

My eyes widened. “Didn’t you just sue him?” I asked Luke.

He smiled thinly. “Yeah, but he said he wants us to be a family again. I don’t know, maybe we should cancel it.”

“No,” I said in a firm voice. “I’m happy for you. Just g—go.” I tried not to wonder whether Will would be there, too.
Go. Just leave me here to rot like everyone else.

Jessica leaned over me, in tears, and nearly squeezed my head off. “I promise I’ll make this up to you when we get back.”

I gave her a watery smile. “Don’t worry about me,” I said over and over.

And then they were gone, and I had nothing to distract me from my gloom.

* * *

The day before Thanksgiving, I finally decided to turn my phone on. I erased every message Will sent me. As soon as I recognized his voice, I deleted the message. One from his father made me pause.

“Ms. Porter, I’m calling because my wife and I wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done to help William and our family. The visit was quite a success and all of us can breathe easier. I don’t know how you convinced Will, but he’s finally seeing a therapist. Please know that you’ll always be welcome at our home. Thank you so much.”

Yeah, you’re welcome. Whatever
. The next few messages were from Luke and Jessica, wondering if I wanted to go out with them, thanking me for what I had done, and the last dozen or so were a cringe-inducing series of messages from my mother.

I can’t ignore them forever.

I stared at the phone, willing myself to call them, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to hear their disappointment on top of everything else. I’ll just show up tomorrow morning.

The next morning, I woke up with a happy phone call from Jessica in Chicago, wishing me a happy Thanksgiving.

“How’re things?”

“Pretty good, actually!”

She went on about how everyone was behaving well and I fought myself not to ask her whether Will was there. “Well, happy Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Her voice was a little subdued as we hung up the phone. She felt sorry for me. Whatever.
I better get going.

I delayed leaving for as long as I could, but I knew Mom would be furious if I showed up in the afternoon without helping her cook anything. As I drove down the freeway, I tried to practice what I would say to them. Maybe I should say that he wasn’t feeling well. I stamped my foot on the carpeted floor.
No! I need to just rip it off like a Band-Aid.

All thoughts of my parents’ reaction disappeared when I pulled into the long driveway and saw an expensive car already parked there next to my Dad’s Subaru. I know that car.

My heels clicked on the cement, the air catching in my throat as I walked around the sleek Audi and opened the gate to enter in the kitchen. A tall, dark-haired man wearing a beautiful suit stood in my kitchen as my parents flocked around him.
He came.

My mother spotted me standing outside, and I backed away in horror, hoping that I could escape back to my car.

She opened the sliding glass door and beamed. “Natalie! Your boyfriend just got here. Come inside, already!”

I never saw my mother look so happy. Tremulous, I entered the kitchen and swallowed hard as Will turned around, looking immaculate and gorgeous. He gave me a sad smile behind my parents’ backs.

“Look at what he brought us!”

My father gave me a one-armed side hug as my mother gestured excitedly towards the giant bouquet of flowers sitting on our dining room table. I lifted my arm, which held flowers that I bought from Safeway. My mother waved them off with a look of disgust.

“Oh, Natalie, why did you buy those? They won’t look good on the table.” She frowned as she took them from me and searched around the house to find a suitable vase.

How the hell did he find out where they lived? I shot Will a seething look. “You couldn’t tell me you were coming?”

“I tried calling,” he hissed back. “Many, many times!” His face shone with a bright smile as my mother came back into the kitchen. He looked good, as though everything in the past weeks had never happened.

“Natalie, why do you look so depressed? Do you hate coming here that much?”

I blinked. “No, Mom. Sorry, I just—”

“She’s been busy with her new job, that’s all,” said Will.

“New job?”

My eyes narrowed. Thanks. “Yeah, they really liked my designs at Pardini Worldwide so they hired me.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” said Dad, clearly not listening to a word I said. “So, Will. Tell me more about your job.”

They talked as I moved into the kitchen and began to help Mom with the cooking. I couldn’t believe he showed up. I took the boiled potatoes out of the pot and mashed them with more force than was necessary. Looking over my shoulder, I snorted in disgust as they hung on every word Will said.

“Want to take a ride in my car?”

I watched as Dad’s face lit up with transports of delight. “Sure! If it’s not too much trouble.”

“’Course not.”

The kitchen door slid open again as they both left and soon I heard the roar of Will’s car. The potatoes splattered on my dress as I slammed them with the masher.

“Natalie, you’re making a mess!”

I looked at her thin face and wanted to cry. He had them both eating out of his hand and it had only been thirty minutes. For twenty-six years, all I wanted was their approval. I wanted them to look at me the way they looked at him. The smell of baking turkey and yams made my stomach growl in hunger, but I felt no desire to sit down and eat with my family. I thought of my apartment with longing.

Why did he come here?

Did he feel bad about how he treated me, or did he just feel pity for me? I grabbed the bottle of Port and poured myself a small glass. It was going to be a long day. Twenty minutes later, they both returned to the kitchen. My dad talked loudly about how fast the car was, and did Will have any other cars and what about his father? Will listed off the cars in his family’s garage and I heard my parents’ gasps when he told them he only had one.

“I don’t like excess.”

“Well, neither do we!” My dad boomed.

I met Will’s gaze and grimaced. I hated them both and their disgusting, almost worshipful attention to my “boyfriend.” This is so much worse than Ben. Most of all, I hated the pride I felt for having him.
We’re not together! This isn’t real!

After hours of this, all my desire for the food evaporated and I only wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. In my opinion, it was all Will’s fault. He shouldn’t have come here. The pangs of jealousy made it impossible for me to enjoy anything. Finally, we sat down at the table as Dad carved the turkey. Mom beamed as she looked at Will, who sat across from me.

“You’re so handsome. Isn’t he handsome, Natalie?”

“Mom, stop it.”

Will grinned, looking picture-perfect over the decorated table. “So I’ve been told.”

“He’s much better looking than her last boyfriend.”

“MOM!”

“Natalie, don’t yell!”

I clenched my fists on the table, my fingernails scouring my palms. Even Will looked a little uncomfortable.

“I need to go to the bathroom.” I excused myself to the bathroom, breathing rapidly as I locked myself inside. I shook with rage as I saw the flowers I brought, which my mother found suitable for the bathroom. I wanted to smash them. They weren’t even that different from Will’s, they were just smaller. The injustice of it raged inside my blood.