Crave Me (The Good Ol' Boys #4) (31 page)

To save one fucking person in my life.   

I knew what he said was out of anger. That he didn’t mean it. I could see that he regretted saying those hateful things to me immediately. I knew he was hurting. I knew he was sick and maybe I was sick too.

I had become as co-dependent on him as he did with his drugs.

At the end of the day, I didn’t know if that was right or if it was wrong, all I knew was that I fucking loved him. 

I was honestly just so fucking devastated that he let that little girl come into the party. It burned into all my insecurities of what I didn’t want to be true. As all the lies I told myself for years came tumbling down on me. Suffocating me in ways I never thought possible.

When one a.m. turned into three a.m. and three a.m. turned to four a.m. and four a.m. turned into the next afternoon, and the next evening, and then the next day…

No Austin.

He had never, not come back to me. It didn’t matter how late it was, how fucked up he was. I always went to sleep with him in our apartment. For five days, five fucking days I didn’t see him. I didn’t hear from him.

I didn’t know if he was dead or alive.

I wanted to call my uncle to ask him if maybe he sent him somewhere or Austin requested to be sent somewhere. But I didn’t. The last thing I needed was to bring my uncle into this fucking havoc. I called local hospitals instead. I drove and walked around places I thought he could be. I left voicemail after voicemail on his phone. I was so desperate to find him I even called Jon and Mitch’s phones as well.

I didn’t sleep fearing I’d miss his call. I sat up waiting for the call or the knock on the door that thankfully never came.

After five days. I finally heard the lock on the door turn at almost eleven at night. I wanted to run to him, to hold him, to have him hold me. To have him kiss me, call me his girl, and tell me that he loved me. I was just so fucking thankful he was alive and had come home to me.  

I didn’t.

I stayed seated on the couch, watching the doorknob turn and him walk in. Almost expecting what I was about to see but even that didn’t prepare me. He looked like he hadn’t slept or showered since he’d left. His eyes were bloodshot, and his pupils were non-existent in a way I’d never seen before. Dull blue eyes stared back at me with no familiarity behind them.

No Austin.

He walked toward me, wearing the same clothes he had left in. The sleeves now rolled down his arms but not buttoned.

My heart dropped.

It was loud.

It was clear.

It was everything that was left of me.

Of us.

Tears instantly pooled in my eyes. I couldn’t believe I still had some left after all the crying I had done since he left me. Begging him not to go. Not to do what I knew he was going to.

He stood right in front of me, peering down with dead, glassy, soulless eyes. The haze clouding all around us, he was still clearly high as fuck.

My eyes fell on the blood seeping through the forearm of his dress shirt.

“What did you do, Austin? What did you fucking do?” I whispered so low, scared that if I said it any louder then it would be true.

His head leaned back a little, barely able to hold himself up.

“Let me see your arms. Roll up your sleeves.”

He followed my gaze down to the blood, blinking a few times before he realized what I meant. I already knew what was lying beneath the stained fabric, but I needed to see it with my own eyes, if I saw it I couldn’t make excuses anymore.

He cocked his head to the side, slowly starting to unbutton his shirt. He let it slide down his shoulders, to his hands and threw it on my lap. I held his blood-stained shirt in my hands and saw the dried red marks on his veins.

Tears slid down my face, one right after the other.

“Why? Why would you do this?” I cried, not understanding.

He narrowed his eyes at me and spoke with more conviction than I had ever heard before, slaying the last bit of will I had left.

“You decided to kill a part of me, baby, without even telling me… so I’m just finishing what you started.”

My body felt like it weighed two hundred pounds, sinking into the mattress. My head was fucking throbbing. All I could hear was a wah wah sound echoing all around me.

“Daddy! Daddy! Wake up! Please wake up!”

I felt little hands poking me, opening my eyes to a beautiful baby girl with a halo of light shining behind her long brown hair. Bright blue eyes that mirrored Briggs’.

“Austin! Austin! Wake up! Please wake up!”

“Daddy, you need to wake up. Mommy needs you now. Come on, sleepy head, get out of bed. Go back to Mommy. She needs you more than I do. I’m fine. We will meet one day. I promise.”

I tried to talk to her, to reach for her, but every time I did my baby girl would move further and further back into the light. Away from me. Always leaving me without my consent, without my approval.

This was the closest I had ever been to her. Usually I just saw her bright blue eyes staring back at me. Sometimes she would be twirling around, playing, laughing, and smiling.   

I didn’t want her to leave me. I wanted to take her in my arms and never let her go.

“Come on, Austin, don’t do this to me!” Briggs yelled from above me, clapping her hands in my face.

Slapping my cheeks.

Shaking my body.

“Daddy, I love you. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”

I reached for her again when she appeared right next to me. She didn’t leave me that time. For the first time since I started seeing her a year ago after the night I started my own demise. She let me hold her. I held her so fucking tight. I felt her soft baby skin against my arms. The smell of her baby scent surrounded me. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I loved her more than anything but my mouth wouldn’t move.

I couldn’t get it to fucking move.

“I know, Daddy. I love you, too,” she said as if she read my mind. “But it’s not your time yet. Mommy needs you now. Okay? So you need to wake up now. Do it for me, Daddy. Wake up for me…”

Her last words faded into the distance and she was gone. Torn out of my grasp.

I screamed, “NO!”

Over and over again but no sound came out.

My lips were moving to no avail.

“No, baby, don’t leave me again. No, no, no, come back to me, baby girl. I’ll change. I swear I’ll change. Just come back to me. I don’t want to live in a world without my baby. God, fucking take me now. I’ve been punished enough. I’m so fucking sorry…”

“AUSTIN! Please don’t do this to me! Wake up!” Briggs screamed.

I slightly opened my eyes, the light blinding me immediately. My baby girl was gone. But the same pair of bright blue eyes were now staring down at me.

“Babe, what the fuck?” I groaned out, my mouth dry as fuck.

“Oh my God! You stopped breathing! You fucking stopped breathing!” she shouted too close to my face.

Almost to the point of hysterics.

“What? No… I just closed my eyes for a second. I must have fallen asleep. Where is she?” I whispered, my throat burned.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I went to take a shower and when I came out, you weren’t fucking breathing, Austin! What did you take? What the fuck did you take? And who the hell are you talking about?”

I shook my head, squeezing my temples.

“Baby, my head is pounding, please stop screaming. I’m fine, okay? Look.” I opened my eyes, blinking away the fogginess to focus on her face. “See. I’m fine,” I repeated, closing my eyes again, unable to see her clearly.

Hoping she would come back.

My daughter
.

Our baby girl.

“Jesus Christ, Austin. I think you just OD’ed. What if I hadn’t been here? What if—”

“Briggs, I didn’t OD. Stop. I’m fine. I must have fallen into a deep sleep or something,” I reasoned, rubbing her leg as she sat next to me on the bed. “Relax,” I coaxed.

“A deep sleep where you stop fucking breathing? Really? What the fuck kind of sleep is that?”

“Oh my God, Briggs! Fuck! Cut this bullshit. I’m fucking fine. I’m breathing. I’m awake. My head is fucking pounding, so please just leave me alone.” I rolled away from her.

I knew she was glaring at me even though my eyes were closed. She was overreacting. I was fine. I didn’t do anymore dope than I usually did. I just wanted to go to sleep.

Our relationship had become strained over the last year or so. I was barely working anymore. Just disappearing more often than not. I didn’t know how hours turned into days, shit blended together more frequently. I loved Briggs but I couldn’t forgive her for what she had done, as much as I wanted to forget, as much as I tried to, and yet I couldn’t let her go. Feeling miserable with her was better than enduring life without her.

“Baby, come here. I’m sorry. I’m just tired. Okay? I’m sorry… come here. I love you. Where’s my girl? Come here,” I coaxed, pulling her into my arms.

She came effortlessly, she always did. It was like we both needed it, I needed to hold her as much as she needed to be held.

I rolled to my side, tucking her against my body, pulling her in tight so we were one. She curled up in the nook of my arm, her face pressed against her favorite scar near my heart. I felt her softly kiss it as I kissed the top of her head.

“I love you, Briggs. I love you more than anything. I would never intentionally hurt you. Tell me you know that.”

I held her closer, tighter, wrapping her up with my legs, not just my arms. Coming in and out of consciousness, I was still so fucking tired, so fucking out of it. I thought I felt her crying or maybe I heard her, fuck… maybe I was imagining that too.

I couldn’t tell the difference from reality or a dream anymore.

“You’re my girl. You’ll always be my girl. No matter what,” I softly murmured, letting sleep and darkness take over.

I dreamt all night of bright blue eyes, of our baby, of Briggs. Being happy, laughing, her smiling beautiful face as she held our daughter.

Holding onto the illusion that it was real, that it wasn’t just a dream. That was the best part of my day, when I was high, lost in the fog where my mind would play tricks, showing me the life I wanted. The life I could have had. The one I promised Briggs. It was the only time I was happy. The only time I felt whole, the only time I was sober.

The dreams in which I was a father, Briggs was my wife, we had a family…

Those were the best dreams I ever had.  

I wasn’t spinning out of control, fading in and out of love again, broken beyond repair.

I inhaled the smell of Briggs as I fell deeper into the spaces in between my drug-induced slumber and dreams. Feeling her run through my veins, my bloodstream, mixing with the demons that had taken over my body. She was floating inside me, etched so far into my soul.

I woke up the next morning, immediately reaching for Briggs, patting the empty space beside me. She wasn’t there and my heart dropped, panic set in. My eyes instantly opened, sitting up looking for her.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her, sitting on the couch watching me.

Our eyes locked.

She looked like she hadn’t slept all night. Her memory blanket wrapped securely around her shoulders, her knees pressed against her chest with her arms wrapped tightly around them. Holding the blanket in place, like she was barricading herself in to feel safe.

She looked so tiny.

So scared.

Her eyes were bloodshot red, tears streaming down her face. Like she hadn’t stopped crying all night.

“Baby… come here—”

She shook her head slowly, not breaking our eye contact.

“You almost died last night. You OD’ed, Austin.”

“I didn’t OD—”

“How would you know? You were practically dead. You stopped fucking breathing.”

“Briggs, stop. I’m fine. Look.” I lifted my hands in the air. “I’m alive. Nothing happened,” I reasoned with her, pulling the covers off of me.

Her eyes widened with a crazed expression I’d never seen before. I got out of bed, walking over to her.

She put her hands out in the air stopping me. “Get dressed.”

I cocked my head to the side. “What?”

“Get dressed, Austin. I’ll be waiting in the car.”

With that she got up and left. It was almost as if she needed to leave or else she wouldn’t go through with what the hell she was thinking.

“The fuck?” I said out loud as I watched her walk out the door.

It wasn’t like I could have gone after her. I was in my damn boxers.

My head was still fucking throbbing. No matter how many times I rolled my head around, popping my neck, it still fucking hurt. I made my way into the bathroom. Taking down four Oxys to help with the splitting pain. I threw on a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt. Grabbing a Red Bull from the fridge on my way out the door.

She was sitting in the driver seat, staring blankly out in front of her. Lost in thought. Not even acknowledging me as I got in the car. I lit up a cigarette and downed the drink in my hands in one gulp. I was finally starting to feel somewhat fucking normal.

The pills were finally kicking in.

“Baby, where are—”

She reached for my hand, holding it tightly in her grasp before placing it on her lap. As if she needed to feel my touch.

My warmth.

I’d never seen her like that. She was starting to scare me. I wanted to talk to her, to ask what was going on, but something told me she wouldn’t have answered. There was no getting through to her. She had fallen down a hole that I had never been down before.

I chain-smoked the entire drive to God knows where. When she got off at the Brooklyn Bridge exit, I really didn’t know where the fuck we were going. She parked the car on the side of the road once we hit the bridge. Swinging her door open and getting out of the car before I even said a word.

I followed close behind her as we walked up the pathway. She stopped when we reached the arches and it hit me. I had passed this bridge hundreds of times and never noticed what those arches symbolized. But seeing Briggs stand under them, it was the first fucking time I saw the angel wings within the arches above her head, mimicking the angel wings on her back.

“Baby, what the fuck is—”

Her intense glare over the edge of the railing made me stop talking. I watched with a captivated stare, wanting to know what the hell she was thinking. What the hell was going on in her mind…

I watched in horror as she stepped up onto the railing. I lunged into action, roughly grabbing her around the waist, spinning her to the ground in front of me.

I immediately pulled away needing to look at her.

“What the fuck are you doing? Are you on—”

She pushed me away from her. I stumbled back more from the unexpected shove than the force of her moving me.

She looked back over the edge and I swear to God I was ready to tackle her to the goddamn ground if she tried to step on the railing again. Instead, she peered back at me with a penetrating glare that resonated deep within my bones.

“What is going on in that beautiful mind of yours?” I asked, needing to know before she hurt herself.

She slowly stepped back and I quickly stepped forward, gripping onto her waist, tugging her toward me. Our faces were now a foot apart. I could feel her rapid heart beating against my chest, vibrating against my entire body.

Shaking me to my core.

She looked deep into my eyes and asked, “You want to die, Austin?”

My eyes widened in shock. Hers filled up with fresh tears as she continued, “Well then, here’s your chance. Jump. Stand on the ledge and fucking jump.”

She shook her head. Tears now falling down her devastated face.

“I won’t stop you,” she added.

I jerked back from the impact of her words, from what she was saying to me.

Letting her go.

She didn’t falter, stepping toward.

Roaring with execution, “Fucking jump, Austin, if you want to die. Because I can’t watch you kill yourself slowly anymore.”