Crave the Darkness (29 page)

Xander’s hands wandered from my shoulders to my back as he pulled me close to him. The warmth of his body did nothing except remind me that Anya would never know that comfort from her husband ever again. He cupped the back of my neck and cradled me against him. He laid his lips to my temple and moved lower, next to my ear and then down my neck. I pulled away, unwilling to let the moment progress and Xander whispered in my ear, “You need to forget for a moment and be free of these damned thoughts that torture you so. Let me comfort you.”

“No, Xander,” I replied, choking on the words. “Please.”

He held me tighter. “I love you.”

“No.” Panic rose in me. This wasn’t what I wanted. I couldn’t bear for him to say those words to me.

“Darian,” Xander’s distressed tone served to further tear my composure to shreds. “Don’t push me away.”

“I just can’t . . .” The words died on my tongue. So many words could finish that sentence.

“What?” Xander demanded. “You can’t bear to hear me tell you how I feel about you? You can’t acknowledge the fact that you belong here, with
me
, with your own kind?”

I didn’t belong anywhere. Even among Shaedes I was an anomaly. Why couldn’t Xander see that?

“I want you.” Xander stressed the words as if trying to pound them into my head. “Not just for the night or the moment. I want to be there for you. To comfort you, to protect you, to cherisou, to ch you. Why is that so hard for you to comprehend?”

“I think we both know I’m not the one who needs comfort right now.” I pulled away from Xander’s embrace, though he kept my wrist firmly in his grip. “Anya needs you.
She
needs your protection and support. She’s going to need you for weeks to come, too.”

“You’re deflecting,” Xander said, his tone becoming more agitated. “This isn’t about Anya. This is about you and me.”

“There is no you and me,” I murmured. “There can’t be.”

“Why? Tell me, Darian. I’d like to hear your list of excuses, your denial that you feel anything for me.”

Of course I felt something for Xander. How could I not after the weeks we’d spent together? He’d grounded me. Gave me permission to let go and release the choke hold I had on my life. He’d brought me back from the precipice of self-destruction and helped me to move forward when I thought my heart would permanently break. But I didn’t love him. And I knew that deep down, he didn’t love me either.

A timid knock came at the king’s door, saving me from any further conversation, and Xander’s body slumped as he released his grip on my wrist and took a step back.

“Your Highness,” a voice said from the other side of the door. “Anya is asking for you.”

“You should go check on her,” I said. “You promised her you’d come back after I left.”

“I’ve called in my physician to see her,” Xander said with a heavy sigh. “With her recent distress, I want to be sure she and the baby are all right. He should be here in a few minutes if he’s not waiting for me in my office already. I suppose I should go.” Before he turned to leave, he added, “There never seems to be enough hours for us, Darian. How can I possibly prove myself to you when we have so little time? I hope that changes. Soon.” He pulled open the door and said, “You should sleep. You need to rest your mind and clear your thoughts.”

My heart sank into my chest at Xander’s dark tone. I didn’t know how much more heartache any of us could take. “You should apologize to her,” I said. “For bursting in and reprimanding her earlier. I could have handled Anya’s temper on my own.”

“To insult you is an insult to me,” Xander replied. “I will not abide any of my subjects’ mistreatment of you. No matter how beloved.”

I was too exhausted to reply. Besides, it would only encourage him to stay and argue the point. I watched as he pulled the door closed behind him. Xander’s words weighed me down with anxiety that made my stomach twist and my chest burn with suppressed emotions. Xander was supposed to be safe. Too arrogant and frivolous to form emotional attachments to anyone or anything. I couldn’t let this go on. Not while I still loved Tyler with all of my heart and soul. I refused to be responsible for any more sorrow and Xander di
dn’t deserve to be played.

I was tired of playing games.

My thoughts became muddled as sleep tugged at my mind. Xander was right about one thing: I needed rest. Both physically and emotionally. I couldn’t afford to worry about my own problems or insecurities right now. Dimitri’s funeral would take place at midnight, and I didn’t want to be too tired or distracted to stand guard.

width="
Nothing more than a breath of shadow, I left Xander’s suite. By the time I made it to my room, my eyes had begun to drift shut of their own volition. I flopped down on the bed, and as I raced toward the oblivion of sleep, I tried to block out the sound of Anya’s sorrow as she began to cry once again. There were times when supernatural hearing definitely had its drawbacks. I hugged a pillow over my ears and prayed for the strength to bring Kade to justice. Because right now, I felt so,
so
weak. “I wish . . .” My voice was nothing more than a whisper as the words dreamily crept to my lips. What? What did I want? “I wish life wasn’t so damned hard and complicated.”
A familiar energy tingled across my skin, so faint I thought I’d imagined it as I sloughed the last of my consciousness and found a deep and dreamless sleep.

Chapter 29

“W
hat will happen?” I asked Raif as I laced up my boots. I wanted to know what to expect so I didn’t disrespect Anya by coming across as a clueless idiot at her husband’s funeral.

“We will send Dimitri’s soul into the shadows of the afterlife,” Raif replied. “It is an ancient ceremony dating back to the beginnings of the Shaede lineage. The tradition has not changed for thousands of years.”

“I take it this won’t be a small-scale production?” Raif cocked his brow, and I wished I could suck the words back into my mouth. “You know what I mean.”

“Xander owns a large amount of acreage near Snoqualmie where the ceremony will be performed. As you’re there to protect Anya, you won’t be expected to participate.”

I threw on my duster, feeling suddenly awkward about my street clothes. Like the rest of the Shaedes attending tonight’s ritual, Raif was decked out in an ancient-looking, jet black ensemble: loose-fitting pants and a strange robelike tunic that was held in place with a wide black leather belt. Everyone would be wearing black from head to toe, more for the symbolism of our shadow-selves than for the somberness of the color.

Anya passed the doorway to my suite just as Raif and I were leaving. For the second time since I’d met her, she’d abandoned her usual leather outfit. If I’d thought she was stunning in her evening gown, it was nothing compared to the tragic beauty of the flowing black robes that swirled around her body as if they were made of nothing but weightless shadow. She looked thinner, more vulnerable as the fabric appeared to swallow her lithe frame. Her violet eyes stood out in stark contrast to her dark hair and robes—puffy and bloodshot from hours of crying—haunting in their beauty. She passed me without so much as a sideways glance. Understandable since she was still grieving, and emotionally raw, and blaming me for the fact that there had to be a funeral at all. I tucked the nearly invisible ear bud into my ear and clipped the mic unit to my collar. In my right ear, I could hear the chatter of my team members as they prepared to load the various members of Xander’s court into the many SUVs parked in the circular driveway.

“Asher. Meet me in the foyer.”

The talk died down instantly as Asher answered, “Gotcha.”

“Problem?” Raif asked as we descended the stairs.

“With Ash?” I scoffed. “Probably.” A couple of nights ago, I’d wanted nothing more than to wash my hands of the cocky Shaede. But Asher was valuable. Though I still didn’t know how he could make himself virtually unnoticeable, I needed that stealth factor in case shit went down. Not even Kade, with all of his stolen power, would see Asher coming. “I just want to check in and see how things went at Tyler’s last night.” I hadn’t been able to get an update the night before because I’d gone straight to Xander’s suite.

Asher was waiting for me in the foyer, and I almost couldn’t believe the kid had actually followed orders for a change. Raif excused himself to find Xander since they’d be riding with Anya. I fixed a stern eye on the young Shaede as he leaned against the archway that led from the foyer into the sitting room. I couldn’t help but wonder if he’d adopt such a comfortable position if Xander happened to walk by. “What happened last night?” I asked.

“Well, you were right about Tyler not wanting a babysitter. He didn’t like having Liam and me hanging around. But I told him that my orders came directly from you and I didn’t feel like pissing you off.”

Whatever
. He
loved
to piss me off. “What did Tyler say?”

A lazy grin spread across Asher’s face and he shrugged. “He said something about how you always had to have your way and then he slammed the door in my face.”

That, I believed. “Any idea how Adira is doing?”

“The female? I think she was all right. I could hear them talking, anyway.”

“Any idea what they were talking about?”

“Well, since they knew Liam and I were outside, they didn’t let much slip,” he replied.

Of course. When your unwelcome guards have superhuman hearing, it was always best to keep your mouth shut. “Great. I was hoping Adira would have said
something
about Kade.”

“It was all sort of sobby apologies on her part and Tyler doing the typical sappy bullshit.” Asher lowered his voice as he imitated Ty.
“Everything will be okay, baby. I promise.”

I could do without the sappy bullshit.

“No sign of Kade, then?” I opened the front door and waited for Asher to follow.

“Nope. The dude is like a motherfucking ghost.”

“Sort of like you,” I remarked as a reminder to Asher that I hadn’t forgotten about his own little
quirks
.

“No,” he said solemnly. “Nothing like me.”

* * *

The drive to Xander’s property took about an hour. The surrounding landscape was nothing but dense forest. Eleven thirty, and the cloudy sky made the night seem impenetrably dark. No stars or moonlight would grace Dimitri’s funeral. It was fitting, somehow. As if the very sky mourned his death.

We pulled off the main road and took a trail that was little more than a couple of tire tracks where the vegetation had been mashed down. Brush and tree limbs scraped across the doors of our vehicle as we drove deeper into the forest. We came to what looked like a man-made—or, I made—oguess, Shaede-made—clearing. It was obvious that the copse of trees had been cut back and the area manicured to shape the clearing into a perfect circle. I couldn’t help but wonder what it was about the supernatural community that they loved to hold ceremonies in meadows, clearings, or any open spaces out in the middle of nowhere. It must have had something to do with their long lives and ties to their pasts and traditions. All Fae creatures—and the Shaedes perched on a branch of that family tree—seemed to have an affinity for all things nature-related. Made sense. After all, most of them had been alive before the dawn of Christianity, worshipping ancient gods in sacred forests, where civilizations were few and far between.

Hundreds of lit torches lined the outer perimeter of the circle, and in the center was a tall wooden structure that looked suspiciously like a . . . “Raif, is that a pyre?” I asked, in disbelief.

“It is,” he said in that infuriating way that let me know he found my questions exhausting.

“This is standard when a death occurs?” Shaedes didn’t die often, but Jesus Christ, it was easy for someone as wealthy as Xander to procure a site for a funeral pyre, but how in the hell would an average Shaede family take care of a funeral? Burn the body in their backyard?

“Not always,” Raif said. “But I told you, this is an old tradition, and Dimitri was held in high esteem. It is an honor to send his soul to the shadows in this way.”

More vehicles arrived to join Xander’s own extensive motorcade, and the mourners milled about the clearing, taking their places at the edge of the circle by the burning torches. Dimitri’s body had already been placed on the top of the pyre and had been swathed in more of the same black fabric that Anya’s robes were made from. I coordinated with my team, setting them a few feet from the clearing, out in the trees surrounding the area. I wanted to see, but not be seen. No need to further distress Anya by reminding her just what had brought about her husband’s death.

I stood at the opposite side of the circle from Anya and watched as the sacred ceremony began. A priestess of some sort, garbed in the same flowing robes as Anya, stood before the pyre and spoke words in a language probably older than anything spoken in the world today. I couldn’t take my eyes off of Anya and watched as tears slid silently down her face. She looked upon her husband’s body with her chin held high, so proud and beautiful and devastated all at once. Xander stood to one side of her and Raif at the other. At one point, the priestess paused, and Anya spoke through her tears, repeating the words in the same haunting cadence. Then, the funeral attendees took their turn, reciting the same words, their many voices echoing into the dark night.

One by one, they each took up a torch. Anya, Raif, and two Shaedes—a male and female that I didn’t recognize—joined the priestess at the pyre. Anya stood at her husband’s feet with the priestess while the remaining three surrounded the pyre in a sort of triangle. Anya was the first to set her torch to the straw at the base of the structure, and then Raif and the others. Once they stepped back, the other Shaedes moved in, each touching their torch to the structure to add to the building flames. Once the pyre burned bright, illuminating the entire clearing, they retreated, but only enough to give Raif and the other three Shaedes surrounding the pyre a little room.

I held my breath as I watched Raif’s eyes drift shut. He bowed his head and exhaled a deep breath. The priestess began chants began ing again and the other two Shaedes bowed their heads with Raif and exhaled their breath. Glistening tendrils of shadows—known as soul shadows—crept from their mouths like mists of delicate ribbon. The soul shadows searched and twined like graceful serpents, winding and crawling up the pyre as it burned. As the shadows merged with the flames, they darkened from bright orange to red, and then from crimson to black. I gasped in surprise as the black flames flickered, their tips lightening to gray.

Lightning streaked a path across the sky, followed by a peal of thunder. Moments later, the patter of raindrops echoed in the clearing but did nothing to tame the black flames raging from Dimitri’s pyre. Above the din of the rainfall, the priestess chanted, and the Shaedes left their corporeal forms. They swirled and circled the pyre as it burned, climbing high in the sky with the smoke and ash that rose above the flames.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

Tyler came up beside me, no doubt appearing out of thin air. He could always find me, no matter where in this world I happened to be. We were bound by magic, blood, and at one time, love. Nothing could compare to the bond made by love. Did any of that love remain? My gaze fell on Anya. She stood by her husband’s funeral pyre, her shoulders shaking as she wept. She alone couldn’t leave her body behind to help elevate Dimitri’s body and soul to the heavens, and my heart broke for her. “It’s very beautiful,” I answered through my own grief. “What are you doing here? I would think you’d be with Adira right now.”

Tyler tipped his head toward the clearing. “I came to pay my respects. And also to tell you that I don’t want you to go after Kade. He’s become far too dangerous.”

“Doesn’t matter.” I refused to look at him. “I’m going to kill him.”

Tyler turned me to face him. “What if I begged you to let this go?”

“First, you pay me to kill Kade. Now you’re begging me not to?”

“I can’t protect you, Darian. I thought I could, but this is just too far out of hand now. If something happened to you . . .”

“Like what happened to Dimitri?” My anger mounted, the sight of Anya standing alone among the swirling shadows as she cried weighing heavy on my conscience. “Maybe I
will
die taking Kade out. But it’ll be worth it. I owe Anya, anyway. She’d be safe, Adira would be safe. It’s a win-win.”

“I can’t let you risk your life, Darian. I
won’t
let you.”

I looked away, focusing my attention once again on Dimitri’s death rites. The fire burned hot and fast, unnaturally so, and the pyre collapsed, the black flames dying down. But the shadows of the many Shaedes still swirled high in the sky, continuing to lift smoke, ash, and the soul of Anya’s husband to the heavens. “Why are you saying this now, Tyler?” Lord, I wanted off this emotional roller coaster. “Do you know what the past few months have been like for me? I’m barely keeping my head above water. And just when I feel like I can start to think about getting on with my life, you show up here and beg me not to risk it. Why, in the midst of all this sadness, after I just told you that I needed to separate my personal life from this job, are you saying this?”

“Because I still love you.”

His words cut straight through mght throe, twisting my heart into a tight, unyielding knot. “You left me for another woman.”

“Darian.” Tyler took a deep breath and held it for a moment before exhaling in a sigh. “I l
eft because I was hurt. I needed to take a step back as much as I needed to give you space. Our relationship was slowly suffocating, and I couldn’t bear to see us self-destruct. Damn it, I regretted leaving you the moment I walked out the door. I never meant to be gone as long as I was. Adira needed help. She needed me. And you didn’t. As for my relationship with Adira, it’s not what you think. It’s . . . complicated.”

As the pyre folded in on itself, Anya went to her knees. I took a step forward and Tyler grabbed me by the arm, hauling me back. “I can’t deal with this right now, Tyler.” I tried to jerk away, but he held me tight.

“Are you in love with him?”

My shoulders slumped. “This is not the time or the place to talk about us. Go back to Adira, Tyler. Protect
her
. You said it yourself. She needs you. She needs your protection more than me right now.”

“Darian—”

“Go, Tyler. Before I wish you out of here.”

I stalked out of the trees toward Anya. I refused to turn back to look at Tyler, but I felt a familiar ripple of energy in the air signaling—I hoped—his departure.