Crave (The MacKenzie Family #11) (3 page)

“Cut the bullshit, Evie. You know how many meals I’ve sat through hearing about awards you received, milestones you made, and boyfriends that would never be good enough for the daughter of Robert Lockwood? You’re that man’s world, and you’re living in a fantasy.

“Which is the second reason I’m doing this. I remember the little girl with the curious eyes and adult brain who followed me around like a puppy. And the teenager with braces and an infectious laugh. You’re doing yourself and everyone who knows you a disservice. So yes, I’m going to fix this for you, but you’re going to do it on my terms. My rules.”

“Go to hell, Cal.”

Her eyes flashed fire and defiance, and the heat under his skin had nothing to do with the temperature inside the room. He shook his head to clear it and his anger turned toward himself. What the hell was wrong with him?

“My rules,” he repeated. “You have ten seconds to make a decision. Then I’m going to turn you over to the team.”

Her eyes bored holes into him as he counted down the seconds. He wasn’t bluffing. And she wasn’t budging. He was about two seconds from saying to hell with it all and throwing her over his shoulder when she nodded her head.

“Fine. Your rules.”

“The Black Lily dies tonight,” he said. “Every trace of her will be wiped from existence. Game over.”

Her mouth dropped open in shock. “You can’t do that,” she argued, her voice getting louder. Her hands fisted and he wondered if she was going to take a swing at him. He couldn’t blame her if she tried. “She’s everything. The best part of me. You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“I know exactly what I’m doing to you. And you’re wrong. She’s not the best part of you. She’s a criminal. Evangeline Lockwood runs circles around her, and she’ll always be the better of the two in my mind. You relinquish everything having to do with The Black Lily. Not even a whisper of your presence in any of the underground circles. I’ll be watching.”

“You’re taking everything away from me. I’d almost rather die.”

“That’ll be your choice,” he said harshly. “Or you can grow up and put your talent to use. Finish college. Do something worthwhile instead of being hell bent for your destruction and everyone else’s. You think I don’t understand the pull? The power that comes over you when your fingers touch the keyboard? The lust to walk on the wild side anonymously from the comfort of your bedroom? I was you. And I can tell you as sure as I’m standing here that if your father hadn’t shown up on my doorstep then I wouldn’t be here today. So yes, I know
exactly
what I’m doing to you. And for you.”

“Fuck you, Cal. I don’t need the lecture. I agreed to your terms.”

“The lecture is free. Right now you’re thinking The Black Lily is your true identity. The part of you no one knows and no one really understands. She’s more interesting and smarter. But that’s nothing but a bunch of lies.

“I know Evangeline Lockwood. And she’s not this person. She’s good. And kind. She makes cookies for teenage boys who find themselves at her dinner table for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and she talks to animals when she thinks no one is listening. She’s strong and smart. And
interesting
. And believe me when I tell you I can count on one hand the number of women I’ve met who fit that description.”

Tears streamed down her cheeks, smearing the heavy eye makeup she wore. She was a pretty girl. And one day she’d be a beautiful woman for someone else to handle. Thank God. Because she had more spirit than anyone he’d ever met. She was only a little misdirected. And he had to get the hell out of this room and away from her because she was scrambling his brains. Maybe it was her eyes. They’d always haunted him. Only now when he saw her in his mind he’d be seeing those luscious curves and fuck me smirk.

Between the adrenaline rush and his need to take care of her—out of a sense of guilt or camaraderie he couldn’t be sure—he felt himself being tangled in a web that would be hell to get out of. Her mind fascinated him. Her talent challenged him. And her body made him have thoughts he had no business having. There was only six years between them in age, but those six years seemed like a lifetime.

“I hate you for this,” she finally said. “I’ll do it, but I’ll hate you forever.”

He was almost relieved. “I can live with that. Plenty of people have hated me before.”

“Then what are you waiting for? It’s time for The Black Lily to die.”

Surrender, Montana

Six Months Ago…

S
hane MacKenzie was a man who’d always had a purpose in life.

He’d been the youngest of “those MacKenzie kids.” And he’d milked it for all it was worth, as anyone with three older brothers and four older cousins would have done if they’d been in his position.

But it hadn’t taken long for him to tire of trying to fight his way to the top of the pile or land the first punch. He loved his family, but he’d never been an individual. Just one of those MacKenzie boys, always looking for trouble, women, or a good fight. Not necessarily in that order. Of course, their reputations had changed since they’d grown up and started families of their own, but he’d always felt a little bit like an outsider. And he’d often wondered how it was possible to feel alone in a family of that size.

He hadn’t become his own person until he’d joined the Navy—where he’d found out brotherhood wasn’t bound by blood. Suffering through hell week and BUD/S separated the boys from the men and forged bonds stronger than DNA ever could. To know a team of men so well that it was as if his brain was wired to theirs.

Shane had excelled in the military, moving up the ranks quickly, and he’d become a commander of some of the best men he’d ever had the privilege of leading through some of the most horrendous experiences one could imagine. He’d lived for the next assignment and the thrill of doing a job that very few people in the world could do.

But just like that, in the blink of an eye—or in his case the flash of an explosion—his life changed irrevocably. His leg was gone. The other so severely damaged he almost wished it was gone too. The brutality of BUD/S had nothing on physical therapy and the doctor who was hell bent on making him do the exercises day in and day out, even though he sometimes thought he’d pass out from the pain.

And now he had nothing. He
was
nothing. Because his career had defined him as a man, and he was discovering that maybe he wasn’t quite the man he thought he was. He sure as hell didn’t like the man he’d been living with the past weeks.

He sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the bottle of whiskey. It was already three quarters of the way gone. Drinking numbed the pain a little, and it helped keep the monsters in his head from screaming too loud. The bottle of Percocet sat next to it, mocking him.

Doctor Shaw had told him to fight through the pain. To wait past the point of when he thought he needed the pills before he took them, just so he knew he could. So he didn’t rely on the hazy illusion of being pain-free. But now she was gone too. He’d managed to run her off, even though she’d vowed she wouldn’t give up on him, and he was alone once again.

He’d told his family to stay away, and he’d denied entry to his SEAL team—his brothers—when they’d tried to visit. How could he possibly allow them to see him this way? It was best they remembered him for what he’d been.

His good leg throbbed unmercifully and the stub of what was left of his other leg hurt more than it had a right to, considering there wasn’t anything there to hurt.

Maybe he’d run his course in life. Maybe he’d done exactly what he was supposed to for the time he’d been able. It had been a good life. A worthy life. But he didn’t feel like fighting through the pain. And in his wildest dreams, he couldn’t imagine what worth there was in the rest of his life. What purpose he could possibly serve?

He should have felt
something
—fear maybe. Definitely anger. But even that emotion was numbed to nothing.

Shane unscrewed the cap on the whiskey, his hand trembling, and he poured the remainder in a tumbler so it filled to the rim. And then he opened the bottle of pills and poured them all out into his hand.

“I never took you for a coward.”

Shane didn’t look up. He just kept staring at the pills in his hand. “I thought you quit,” he said.

“Nope. I told you I wouldn’t quit. I just had to take a walk in the cold to keep from strangling you. You need to work on your sweet talk, MacKenzie. I’m never going to marry you if you keep this up. Think what a great wife I’ll make. I’m already an expert at ignoring you and telling you to get off your lazy ass.”

Shane shook his head and let out the breath he’d been holding. Doctor Lacy Shaw was an enigma that he couldn’t begin to understand. His brother Declan had hired her to rehabilitate him. She was a tiny thing, maybe a couple inches over five feet. But there was a core strength in her that was deceptive. She could pick him up when he fell—which had been often at the beginning—and she could give him a tongue-lashing that would put any Navy brass to shame.

He’d put her through hell and still she stayed. And all he could figure is that Declan must be paying her a hell of a lot to put up with his shit. Why else would she care what the hell happened to him?

He hadn’t made it easy on her and had no plans of starting. The last thing he wanted was another person to see him at his weakest. To witness the worst of him. But she wouldn’t leave, no matter how hard he tried to push her away. Stubborn fool.

“Blizzard’s coming. You’d better leave now while you can.”

“Sure. Get your ass up and put some clothes on. We’ll go for a drive before the roads close. The fresh air will do you good.”

He finally looked up and made eye contact. She wasn’t a beautiful woman by traditional standards, but that somehow seemed wrong to say. Because he found himself watching her more and more.

Her face was small and all angles—pointed chin and a sharp nose that was just slightly crooked. A square jaw that look like it could take a punch and skin like alabaster. Her hair was dark blond and hung just below her chin, and her brows were a shade darker, making him wonder if it was her real hair color. She wore jeans and a loose sweater, just like she did every day, and a smirk rested on her full lips.

“Anyone ever tell you you’re a pain in the ass?” he asked.

“Not since you did yesterday.”

“Jesus. Losing a leg wasn’t good enough,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve been cursed with you too.”

“There you go with the sweet talk again,” she said, arching a brow. “I’m getting all tingly with the romance.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, not that she had much of one, and leaned against the doorframe. She always wore an ugly black military watch around her left wrist, and the face was large enough that he could read the time from where he sat.

“Now that we’ve gotten all the pleasantries out of the way we’ll go back to my original statement. I never took you for a coward, Commander MacKenzie.”

His body jerked at the title he hadn’t heard in months, and rage unlike he’d ever known roiled in the pit of his belly. The blood rushed in his ears and his skin felt too tight for his body. His hands bunched into tight fists and he felt the tiny pills crunch and turn to powder in his hands.

He opened his hand and let them fall to the floor and then he braced his hands on the little table and pushed himself to a standing position, gritting his teeth through the pain.

“You’ve gone too far,” he said, his voice soft with barely controlled rage.

“Why? Last time I checked the Navy didn’t take back your rank when you were discharged. You earned your rank. Just because you don’t want to face it doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

“Don’t pretend to understand what the hell I’m going through.” His skull was pounding and the pressure behind his eyes made little black dots dance in his line of sight. “The last time I checked you didn’t abandon your team to some stranger they don’t know or trust to take command. If one of them dies while they’re on a mission it’ll be on me.”

Perspiration slid down his back and the side of his temples and his leg trembled with fatigue, but he didn’t give himself a reprieve.

“The last time I checked, Doc, you had all your limbs. You can shower and take a piss by yourself. You weren’t jerked out of your command and retired from the only life you’ve ever loved or been good at, only to be looked at with pity from everyone you come into contact with. So don’t fucking stand there and pass judgment on me if I want to look at a handful of pills or stare down the barrel of my gun. You don’t know what the hell is in my head and you sure as fuck don’t understand what I’m going through.”

Her face showed know reaction, not that he expected it to. He’d watched her long enough over the last weeks to know when she was really upset. Her face turned into a mask of polite disinterest, and he wondered if he’d finally pushed hard enough to send her away for good.

His knee buckled and he sat down hard on the edge of the bed. Neither of them acknowledged it.

“You’re right,” she finally said. “What the hell do I know about anything?”

She worked at the clasp of the watch at her wrist, and he felt a pang of guilt to see that her fingers trembled. He’d never once seen her shaken. He’d also never seen her lose her temper. She’d always fought his own temper with a smartass remark and a determination that never seemed to waiver.

Shaw jerked the watch from her wrist and hurled it as his chest in one smooth motion. He didn’t bother blocking it as it made contact with his sternum. He probably deserved it. And maybe he was too surprised. Because he’d seen the evidence with his own two eyes—the long, raised white scar on the interior of her wrist.

“I’m going for another walk,” she said, turning to let herself out. “I’ll be back in twenty minutes to pick you up for that drive. Don’t make me wait on you.”

Shane rubbed the sting from the center of his chest and wished the knot forming in his stomach would go away. Something between them had changed, and for the first time in a long while his problems weren’t at the forefront of his mind. But he had every interest in getting to the bottom of Doctor Shaw’s and finding out why she’d tried to take her own life.