Crazy Maybe (24 page)

I believe him when he says he will stand beside me during the uphill battle we have coming.  I also know he has no idea what kind of bloodbath this battle will soon become and I have to tell him.  I have to finish the story – for Luke as much as for me.  I stare deeply into his eyes while all of this is running through my mind and he just watches me, with a somewhat amused but loving countenance on his face.

“What’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours, sweetheart?” he asks with a warm smile.

“Luke,” I say on a whisper, “there’s one last thing I need to tell you about that bastard I stabbed.” 
Please, Luke, please don’t run from me.

“OK, baby.  You can tell me.”  He hasn’t moved or tensed a muscle in his body.  His heart is open wide to me.  I can feel it.

I nod and try to look down, away from him, but his finger gently tilts my chin up to maintain full attention.  I release a calming exhale and really talk to him.

“I may need you to
patiently
and
gently
remind me to let you protect me sometimes,” I state somewhat timidly.  “I know this will come as a shock to you, but I’m a little stubborn and independent in that area.”

His lips twitch and he really tries to keep the laughter in but it proves to be too much for him.  I glare at him with all my might.  And then he really loses his composure and is now laughing uncontrollably.

“Yeah, baby, that is a real shocker,” he dead-pans after his fit of laughing hysterics has subsided.  “I will
patiently
and
gently
remind you,” he adds lovingly.  So much so that I can’t help but smile back.  Then he takes his time as he kisses, licks and adores every inch of my body before making love to me, slowly and thoroughly, several times throughout the rest of the night.   He is so very thorough in his exploration of my body.  Every move, every thought and every touch was meant for my complete and total satisfaction. 

I’m so in love with him that I can’t imagine what losing him
now would do to me.  And this is so not me.  I’m not the needy, clingy, cry-baby female that requires a man to complete her.  But I feel different about Luke…..I think he could be the one man who could totally annihilate me if he left me.  And that realization scares the shit out of me.

LUKE

I’ve had
e-fucking-nough
of the paparazzi, the reporters and all these people they’re interviewing.  They fucking don’t even
know
Andi but all they’re doing is talking trash about her.  It’s been several weeks now and the smear campaign continues.  She told me she had something else to tell me about that bastard the night we got back together but I haven’t pushed her for the information.  I don’t even care what it is – she has my support no matter what.

Mitch is still doing a pretty decent job of keeping them out of the club so we can at least hang out with our friends.  And I get to watch my girl on stage singing songs to me – even if it’s not for the contest.  Like the other night when she sang Rihanna’s
Umbrella
to me, she let me know that no matter how bad things get all around us, our love will always shield us.  We will take care of each other and nothing will ever come between us.

She has an amazing voice but the songs she picks for me makes my chest, and my head, swell with pride.  Most every other guy in the club wishes he had her, but she’s all mine.  She tells me and shows me every night in every way imaginable and a few that defy imagination.  Hell, no, I’m not complaining.  I will take my little vixen any way she wants.

The media has been bugging the piss out of Mack and Shane about Andi, especially since Shane is so close to the light-heavyweight title fight.  They’re trying to make a big deal out of Andi’s involvement with his training so she’s tried to stay away to protect Shane’s reputation.  Shane has told her over and over that he wants her at the gym because she helps him.  She just keeps saying she’ll end up causing him more trouble than she’s worth.

Shane was madder than I’ve ever seen him about that.  All I could do was smirk as he explained to Andi that she was more important than any fucking news story.  She won’t be “the cause of his career’s demise,” as she puts it.  Shane still comes to see her at her house and at the club.  Only when we’re at the club, he does everything he can to get photographed
with
her – just to get a fucking rise out of her.  It’s hilarious.

I’ve been spending more time with her at the youth center lately….and not nearly enough time at the gym.  I haven’t talked to Andi about a major decision I have to make yet, mainly because I’m still trying to come to understand it myself.  After everything I’ve done to convince my family that I want to be a professional boxer, I’m not sure that’s where my heart is anymore.  I haven’t changed my mind because of Andi, but being with her has helped me see a few things about myself that I didn’t before.

Which is pretty damn hilarious considering I have an advanced degree in psychology.  Guess my psychoanalysis skills work on everyone but myself.  Working on the landscaping at the youth center has had an unexpected benefit.  I’ve found that I actually enjoy building things with my hands.  Even helping with building my mom’s back yard sanctuary, despite her Hitler-like tendencies, was constructive.  That’s when the realization hit me – constructive feels better than destructive.  Yes, that’s me, the guy with the life-changing epiphanies, also known as the Dalai Lama.  

“Hey baby,” Andi gives me a kiss before she sits across the table from me.  “How was your day?” 

“Much, much better now that you’re here,” I say as I take her hands in mine.  We decided to meet for a casual dinner at a small Italian restaurant where we’re less likely to be hounded by people who recognize her.

She looks apprehensive.  “Baby, what’s wrong?”  Translation: 
Who do I need to beat the crap out of?

She takes a deep breath and says, “Remember I told you there was still something I needed to tell you about the bastard?”  She doesn’t need to say more –
the bastard
is his moniker now.  I nod and let her continue uninterrupted. 

“I tried to give it time to see if he would leave me alone.  I haven’t talked to the press or anything.  Bill called and told me
the bitch
,” also known as the foster mother, “is involved and they’re doing a joint press conference about this – to solidify their position and paint me as the emotionally disturbed one.”

My hackles are instantly raised in defense.  “When is this press conference?”

“Sunday morning,” she says cautiously. 

The last thing I want is for her to be afraid to talk to me so I visibly relax my shoulders and my jaw muscles.  Which fucking hurt right now from being clenched so hard.  I rub my thumb across the back of her hand, pick it up and kiss her palm.  “I’m here, baby.  I’m not going anywhere.”

She suddenly looks fearful, “I need to tell you who he is, Luke.”  It comes out less of a definitive statement and more like a confession after a torturous session of waterboarding.

“You can tell me he’s the fucking President of the United States and I’m still not going anywhere, Andi.”

She winces and looks down at our hands as she says, “You’re close, actually.  He’s the current Speaker of the House.  Congressman Jackson Rhoades.”

The
Speaker of the House?  The person third in line for the presidency and second only to the vice-president in case of a disaster.  That man is
the bastard? 
Andi is fidgeting and her eyes keep darting to the door.  She pulls one hand away and reaches for her purse.

“Where are you going?”  I ask her pointedly.

“You didn’t sign up for this, Luke.  Let me deal with this and when it’s over, we can try this again.”  She’s fucking serious.

Remembering our conversation a few weeks back, I pull her hand back to my mouth and kiss it repeatedly.  On her palm, on every knuckle, and then on every finger.  “Sweetheart, remember you wanted me to patiently and gently remind you to let me protect you?”

She won’t make eye contact with me but she nods.  Then I see a tear escape from her eye and she quickly wipes it away. 

“I’m not going anywhere, Andi.  I’m with you, remember?  We’re under the same umbrella.  We’re crazy about each other.  And I can’t even sleep without you now – much less live without you.  We do this together, my love.”

Andi smiles hesitantly and takes a deep breath.  I know she’s weighing her options right now.  Argue or accept what I said?  Go off on her own and figure it out?  Try to avoid me and keep me from kidnapping her again?

“None of those ideas will keep me away from you, Andi.  Just accept it.  You know I’m not above kidnapping you again,” I say matter-of-factly.

This earns me a laugh, because she really does know it, and she finally relaxes a little. 

I’ve been staying at her house every night and only going by my apartment to get my mail.  I’ve tried sleeping without her but it doesn’t work.  Later at home, I’m sitting on the couch watching TV and Andi crawls into my lap and
curls up in my arms.  I love it when she does this.  She lays her head on my shoulder and wraps her little hands around my neck.  Sometimes she falls asleep in my arms like this and I carry her upstairs to bed.

She’s nervous tonight, though, and me holding her like this helps calm her.  She surprises me when she whispers, “Thank you for not leaving me,” as she closes her eyes and lays her head on my shoulder, nuzzled into my neck.

I’m so stunned I can’t speak for a minute.  I rub her arm gently and ask, “What do you mean, baby?”

“When I told you who he is.  Thank you for not leaving me.  I would understand if you change your mind, but I just want you to know that what you said means a lot to me.” 

I know she was in foster care.  I know she was legally emancipated at sixteen and has been on her own since then.  My mind
knows
these things but I don’t think I’ve ever fully thought about what that includes.  But when she says something like this, I’m forced to consider what that really meant for her, how scary it had to be for her, and how lonely. 

She would still let me off the hook if I wanted to walk away until she dealt with this.  What other choice has she had her whole life?  None – she’s had to face everything all alone.

I squeeze her tighter to me and reassure her, “Baby, you never cease to amaze me.  You never have to thank me for not leaving you.  It’ll never happen – I would never make it without you.  I don’t even want to think about it, much less try it.”

My relationship with my parents is still a little strained.  We haven’t been back to their house together since that night and I haven’t been back since they confessed to everything, except to work in the yard when they’re not there. 
And that’s really only because Andi went to the trouble of buying all that for them and I want to see it finished.

My thoughts drift back over every major event in my life and there’s not one single event I can think of that my whole family wasn’t there for me.  Mom, Dad, Brandon, and Alicia – they’ve all be so invested in my life and shared every mile
stone and major event with me.

Andi’s had no one considered family to be there for her, to show how proud they are of her, to support her or to even hold her when she was scared or sick.  It brings my betrayal back to the forefront of my mind and I feel guilty all over again.  She’s told me over and over that it’s forgiven and forgotten.  She doesn’t want me to dwell on it or bring it up anymore. 

It’s just that she asks so little of me……so naturally, I want to give her everything.

I think maybe she finally understands why I want –
need
– to be the one to protect her.  I get that she’s capable and she’s proven that over and over.  She has to let me in, she has to let me help her.  I love her independence and strength – I would never try to take that away from her.  But she also can’t take this away from me.  We can do this together, side by side, as one.  We can’t work as a couple any other way. 

ANDI

Saturday night at the club, we’re all here and the contest continues.  I’m still in the running even though I haven’t practiced any songs.  Just as well since Mitch decided to change the rules on us when we got here tonight.  He claims that since we’re in the “playoffs,” he can change the rules at any time.  So instead of getting to pick our own songs tonight, he’s assigned us songs.  And they’re in a completely different genre than the 5 remaining contestants normally sing in.

For example, my song tonight is by Disturbed.  Don’t get me wrong – I love the song – but my voice is not accustomed to this style of singing.  I probably won’t be able to speak for a while after the song.  But I have a few ideas for playing up to the song lyrics, so I’m not worried about it.  Luke may actually enjoy a little silence when we get home tonight.

Home – I don’t refer to it as my
house
anymore.    I’ve tried to talk Luke into just moving in with me and giving up his apartment lease.  He’s been living off a trust fund his parents set up for him when he was born while he’s pursued his boxing dream.  There’s no reason for him to keep paying for that apartment when he sleeps in my bed every night.  I guess it’s a way to hold onto his bachelor pad….just in case.

I hit the costume rack backstage and look for something to fit my vision for the song tonight.  After a few alterations, and by that I mean I found the scissors, I think I have a winner.  I took a camouflage t-shirt and cut it off just below my breasts.  I also cut the shoulders out to make it a tank top and make it a low plunging neckline.  It’s a size too small so it fits my B-cups very tightly.  I also found a pair of tight, black Yoga shorts that will work nicely with my soldier theme.  I use the bottom part of the t-shirt material to fashion a camouflage headband.

I’ve added the pink highlights back to my blond hair and I decide to leave it down.  I thankfully wore black high-heeled boots tonight, so they will complete my look.  I wait backstage as the guy before me, who would normally sing something closer to Disturbed, finishes a Kelly Clarkson song.  I can’t help but smile – he has multiple facial piercings, tattoos everywhere and he looks scary as hell, but he’s singing one of Kelly’s slow songs and crooning like a heartsick fool.  I love it!

My turn now and I take the stage.  As the sirens start at the beginning of
Indestructible
,
Mitch puts the red lights on spin to add to the overall ambience of everything that is war.  I march to the microphone and stand at attention with my hand at my face in a salute like a good soldier until the music begins.  Then I take the microphone off the stand and begin the song.

As I finish the chorus, I see him.  Him –
the bastard
.  He’s sitting in the audience behind Luke.  He knows exactly what he’s doing.  It’s a blatant threat that Luke doesn’t even know is there.  Jackson Rhoades is so dressed down tonight that I doubt his own wife would even recognize him.  He’s trying to blend in with the crowd but he also wants me to know he’s here.  He wants me to know without a doubt that he can find me and anyone I love.  I know this because he and his wife, Delia, have already threatened me with this multiple times.

I don’t deal with being threatened very well.

I’m glad I didn’t see him at first because the second verse of this particular song is fitting for him.  I move to stand directly in front of him and sing every word to him.  I even point to him to let him know that I will fight him with every fiber of my being.  During the chorus, I point to myself and tell him that I am the one who is indestructible – not him.  He is the enemy and he will be destroyed in the end.  Saying this to him feels fucking fantastic, liberating and empowering.  He damn well knows it, too. 

His face loses a little of the cockiness and smugness it originally had.  He must have thought I’d cower in the corner and beg for mercy.  Not a chance – I’ve been through too much to give him one ounce of satisfaction from seeing any apprehension in me.  I suddenly realize I have been blatantly staring a hole through the bastard when Luke’s movement catches my eye.  He’s turning around to see who I’m looking at.

I’ve never been so relieved to finish a song before now.  I have to get to Luke before he either recognizes Jackson or thinks he’s someone I’m interested in and makes a scene.  Even if Luke wants to protect me, he doesn’t need to go looking for trouble before we’re ready for it.  I jump off the stage from the front instead of going down the steps at the back.  I reach our table and sit across from Luke so his wide shoulders and back will shield me from Jackson’s view.

I immediately see the hurt in Luke’s eyes – he didn’t see Jackson or didn’t recognize him – but he knows something is up.  I take my cell phone back from
Katie and discreetly show it to him.  He nods in understanding and pulls his phone out.  I hold it in my lap, under the table and out of view, and send him a text. 

The bastard is here.  Behind u.  Don’t look!!!

Luke looks up at me and he is visibly furious.  He takes a few seconds to pound out a response on his phone.

L:  Y r u not sitting w/ME?

My eyes implore him before I send my response.

He’s threatening.  I don’t want u 2 b a target.

Luke’s blue eyes are almost black with fury now.  He pins me with a look of steel and I know exactly what he’s thinking – that I’m not letting him protect me.  So I send another quick text.

Element of surprise.  He may not no abt u yet. Trust me. PLS!

Luke’s staring down at his phone that’s in his lap.  His jaw is working again – grinding his teeth, clenching the muscles and muttering swear words under his breath.  He hasn’t answered my text or even looked at me.

My phone vibrates in my hand.

L:  I’m leaving.

While I’m reading it over and over again, and feeling positive that there will be more to the message that will come through my phone any second now, Luke gets up and walks out of the club.  Not another word.  No more messages.  Nothing to indicate he understood what I meant or that he would even just trust me until we were out of sight so I could explain my reasoning to him.  He just got up and walked away.

I’m now visible to Jackson and he’s intently watching me.  Somehow I mask the emotions that are threatening to take full control of all my faculties.  I can’t let him know I’m affected by Luke.  To keep at least some semblance of sanity, I have to hold to the notion that he doesn’t know about us yet.  I’m also desperately hoping that Luke is actually waiting for me in his truck outside.  I’m praying that he understood my message and is just putting some space between us so it will appear I’m here alone.

I wait a few minutes before I get up to leave.  I keep my eyes trained on Jackson’s but I let how much he disgusts me burn through my glare at him.  He takes a deep breath as I pass by him – he thought I was going to cause a big scene and get him busted for being in the club tonight.  I thought about it, actually, but I feel an urgent need to get to Luke right now.  I keep my pace casual until I get to the door and out of the bastard’s line of sight, then I run to the area where Luke parked.

No! 

Oh God, please don’t let this be true. 

He.  Left.  Me.

Again. 

  I walk around the parking lot for a few minutes to double check that he’s not really out here somewhere.  I just can’t believe that he would really do this after everything we just went through to get back together.  After everything he said to me.  After the way he made love to me. 

He wouldn’t really do this, would he?

Would he?

LUKE

“Why the hell are you walking around out here in that?”  Has she lost her mind?  I’m really trying to not be mad.  She’s still in her costume from her song earlier and it doesn’t cover nearly enough of her.  We’ve already had that one run in with douche-Brad in the parking lot and I don’t want anyone else getting any ideas about her.  I’m concerned about her safety with
the bastard
being here tonight and she’s running around alone and half-naked.

She turns and looks at me and her eyes grow wide.  Note to self:  she may be small
, but she is strong!  Andi just flew through the air and plastered herself to me.  Thankfully, I caught her under her ass just in time because her legs are now wrapped around my waist and her arms are around my neck.   And she’s squeezing the breath out of me.  Her reaction to seeing me is just now sinking in and my first concern is
who hurt her?

“Baby, tell me what happened.  Did someone hurt you?”  I keep my voice calm to try to calm her but inside my blood is hitting the temperature of the sun right about now. 

She shakes her head no but she’s still holding on to me with all her might.  She turns her face and buries it in my neck.  I rub her back with one hand while holding her up with the other.  “Sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong.  Why didn’t you meet me behind the club like I said?  What happened?”

She raises her head and I realize my neck is now wet.  I draw my head back to look at her and cup her face with one hand while holding her up with the other.  “Andi, tell me what’s wrong,” I demand a little stronger this time. 

“I couldn’t find you….I thought….I-,” her words are clipped and she’s trying to speak between gasps of breath.  “I thought you’d left.”

“What? 
Why?  I sent you a text – told you to come out the back door after you changed clothes.” 

“I don’t have a text from you – other than when you said you were leaving,” she says as she buries her face back into my neck and squeezes my neck tighter.

I remove my phone from my pocket and pull up my text messages. 
Failure to send.
  Son of a bitch!

“Andi, look at my phone, baby,” I coax her as tenderly as possible.  She doesn’t budge.  “Please, baby, just look for me.” 

She reluctantly takes the phone from my hand with one hand but the other hand grips my neck tighter, as her legs constrict tighter around my waist.  We need to settle this before I pass out from oxygen deprivation.

I can’t help but laugh – a little – when I see my phone disappear behind my neck.  She’s looking at it over my shoulder so she can still hold on with both hands.  I love her so fucking much.

“You thought I left you, Andi?”  I ask softly.  I know she does – I know her mind went back to the worst thing I’ve ever done, the day I left her at my parents when she needed me the most. 

“I’m sorry I thought that,” she whispers, “I didn’t at first.  But then I couldn’t find you.  I’ve been walking around looking for you.”

I squeeze her to me even tighter now and I really didn’t think that was even possible.  My arms are wrapped around her, supporting her and holding her to me, as I walk back to my truck parked behind the club.  After I open the passenger door, I place her on the edge of the seat but she’s still facing me so I can lean into her, between her legs, and talk to her.  She hasn’t loosened the hold she has on me with her legs yet, giving me no choice but to stay close.

Holding her face in my hands, I give her gentle kisses on her lips, nose, eyes and then all along her jaw.  “You have nothing to be sorry about, bab
y.  I will never leave you.  Never.  It was an honest mistake – I didn’t check the text and I was mad when I left the club.  But not at you, baby.”

She finally looks up at me and my chest squeezes like a vice is wrapped around me when I see her red-rimmed eyes, bloodshot and puffy from crying.  I still can’t believe how someone so completely beautiful inside and out could love me as much as she so obviously does.  How could I have ever doubted her?

“I was so afraid I’d….that I’d lost you again.  When I saw you, I was just so relieved and happy that you were really here.”  Her voice is so soft and I can see that scared, lost young girl behind the strong, independent woman she’s become.

“You will never lose me, Andi.  If you ever try to leave me, I will follow you.  Every day, Andi –
every
single day
– I think to myself that there’s no way I could be any more in love with you.  And every day, I’m proven wrong.”   

She lays her head on my chest as I draw her in my arms again and hold her tight for several more minutes.  We both just need this right now – the comfort of each other’s touch, the reassurance that neither of us is alone, and the warmth of our intense love.  This feels so right and so natural that it doesn’t even scare me anymore.  The
I’m-not-a-relationship-kind-of-guy
just found the one person in the world who could make him
want
to change that.