Creed of Redemption (S.I.N. Rock Star Trilogy #2) (10 page)

I turn away from him and take the pills. I’m so damn embarrassed. “Thank you,” I whisper. “I just need to go pee.” He turns me back to face him and lifts my chin.

“I’ll help you,” he offers. Like hell he will. “I won’t look, even though you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before. Who do you think held your hair last night after you puked all over yourself? Who cleaned you up and changed you into something to sleep in?” I’m even more embarrassed now.

“Ugh,” I moan. “Sorry you had to do all of that.”

“I’m pissed that you put yourself in danger with that asshat last night, but never apologize for me taking care of you.” The details of last night are muddy. I only remember bits and pieces, but suddenly I have a flash back of calling Ivy a cunt. “What’s the matter?” he asks when I groan for the millionth time.

“Did I really call Ivy a cunt last night?”

“Among other things,” he informs. “You were in rare form last night princess. It would appear that you can’t contain your jealousy when you’re intoxicated. You blew our cover to fucking pieces. Thank fuck the guys weren’t around to hear your little rant.” He smirks and the sexiness of it sends a tingle straight to my core.

“I don’t want to hear anymore. I’m going pee before I embarrass myself even further.”

“Oh, I’m sure you haven’t heard the last of it. Wait until Xander gets a hold of you. He already laid into Lily this morning. He was fucking pissed. He doesn’t know I stayed in here with you last night or I would be in the line of his wrath too,” Diesel warns. “You’re safe for now. Everyone got off the bus to go get breakfast.”

“So why didn’t you?” I ask as I head to the bathroom. There is no answer. I close the door behind me and finally empty my bladder. I don’t even care if he can hear me. I’m past caring at this point. What can be worse than him witnessing me vomit on myself.
Gross.
I finish my business and start the shower. Need to wash my hair, and maybe the hot water will soothe my aching body. I realize I didn’t bring any clean clothes with me after I’m already in the glass shower. Oh well. I’ll wrap myself in a towel when I’m done.

The stream of hot water flowing down my body is exactly what I needed. It soothes my pounding head. I close my eyes and let the water run through my hair. I don’t know how much time passes before I feel his presence. He opens the shower door and I’m frozen in place. Diesel grabs me by the hips and I feel powerless. I know I should kick him out, but right now, I just want to feel him. I need to feel him
. Fuck.
He fucked Ivy.
He fucked Ivy
. I repeat this over and over to myself, but I’m getting wetter by the second.

“Look at me, Lourdes.” The warmth of his breath is mere inches from my lips, but I’m scared to open my eyes. I
stubbornly leave them shut. “Have it your way, baby.” It’s the last thing I hear before his lips are on mine. I hate myself for giving into him so easily. My tongue swirl with his as I let him in.

“Mmmmm,” I moan into his mouth. Headache completely forgotten. He lifts one of my legs and the hardness of his cock caresses my folds. It’s been too long. I rub my pussy against him, desperate to dull the ache there.

“Tell me what you want, Lourdes,” he says before resuming his assault on my mouth.

“You fucked Ivy,” I say shamefully, resting my head on his shoulder.

“But I want you right now,” he assures, evading my statement. “We can’t go back to the way we were, but I can make your pussy cream. Let me make you feel good.” He nudges his dick at my entrance, but it feels like he has doused me with cold water—a slap to the face with reality. I push him away.

“I can’t do this. You’re right. We can’t go back to the way things were, but I can’t be just your fuck either. I’m sure Ivy is up for the role, though.” I will not cry. What the hell was I thinking? I’m so fucking weak. I get out of the shower and grab a towel. I need to put some distance between us. I watch as he runs his hand through his hair in frustration, but doesn’t leave the shower.

I go into the bedroom and find some jeans, a shirt, and a hoodie. I’m dressed and off the bus in record time. I need some time on my own. I’ll find somewhere within walking distance to eat.

I fucking caved and now she’s running
again
. I had the will of a saint last night while I took care that she was cleaned up and changed. Her vulnerability in my hands unraveled something in me. It took me to a place I promised I would never revisit. I just wanted to hold her in my arms and know that she was safe. I didn’t even care if Xander got up in the middle of the night and found me snuggled with her. His priority was Lily and Lourdes was mine. She will never know the level of guilt that wracked through me with each beat of her heart against my hand. I was sorry that I fucked Ivy. I was sorry that she saw us together and that it hurt her.

There’s no denying that she holds my fucking heart in the palm of her petite fingers. She isn’t aware of the power that she has. I don’t want to be this man. I don’t want to be weak for anyone. I have to let her go. I need to rebel against what she represents—my weakness. First I need to find her. I know my admission that we can’t be more cut her deeply. If only she knew just how much I was ripping my own fucking heart out in the process. It’s just the way it has to be. The one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, broke me. I wasn’t good enough so he threw me away. Lourdes was the first person since high school that I allowed to see me—the first person I put my heart at risk for and she stomped on it when she left that day. I had to pick up the shattered pieces without a chance to explain.

There is no amount of love that will make me relive that feeling of unworthiness. I fuck. I move on. Period. I throw on some clothes from my bag and leave out the door. She left on foot so she couldn’t have gotten too far. I search for at least half an hour before I find her in a small mom and pop diner. She is sitting toward the back with her head down. A plate of uneaten pancakes and sausage is next to her.

I slide into the booth directly across from her. “Lourdes,” I say gently but she doesn’t lift her head. “Look at me, please.” Still nothing. I reach my hand under her folded arms until I find her chin. When I lift her head, I’m fucking rocked yet again. Tears stream down her face. Her eyes are red and swollen. I did this and I can’t fix it. I’m out of my seat and next to her within seconds. I just need to hold her. She needs to know how hard this is for me too. I will give her comfort. I just can’t give her me. Not anymore. She cries in my arms and I’m defenseless. We get the nosy stares, but they can all just fuck off. We will sit here as long as she needs. She finally pushes away from me and wipes her eyes.

“I’m sorry, Diesel. That won’t happen again.” She wipes her eyes with the back of her hands before throwing a twenty on the table. “I’m ready to go now.”

“Lourdes—”

“Don’t. Please. I needed a moment and now I’m done. Let’s not talk about it. Okay?” she says, cutting me off.

“Okay,” I agree reluctantly. I can’t give her what she wants so I respect her need to let this be forgotten.

We walk the ten minutes back to the bus in silence. I need to work on some lyrics or something. I need a distraction. This whole situation is a fucked-up mess.

When we get back on the bus, Lily and the guys are already lounging around. We’re supposed to be pulling off in the next hour to head toward our next tour stop. We would have left last night, but the other band needed to get some things done here in Los Angeles before we left. Their bus will be following behind ours for the remainder of the time. Xander seizes the moment Lourdes gets on the bus to let her have it. He’s yelling how irresponsible she was last night and that he didn’t invite her on this tour to play babysitter. The jackass is so full of his own anger that he hasn’t noticed the fragile state she is already in. A few sniffles come from her and he goes quiet. She then starts sobbing uncontrollably, just standing in the middle of the room.

“Oh my God, Lourdes. I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean it like that,” he apologizes. I put my hand up then I put my arm around her and lead her to the bedroom. I’m so mad at his unobservant ass that I don’t give a shit what he thinks about me comforting her. I bring her into the room and put the lock on the door.

“I’ll be okay,” she tries.

“I know. I’m not going anywhere so it’s just me and you.” I crawl into bed and pull her in with me. We’ll figure this shit out later, but for right now we have each other. This room is our bubble. We don’t have to deal with the reality in here. In here, it’s just us.

“Okay,” she agrees. She snuggles against me—her back to my front and we give each other comfort. It’s not long before sleep finds us both.

I don’t know how much time passes. I wake up in Diesel’s embrace and the bus is now moving. I’m ashamed to say I had a relapse today. I wanted Diesel to take me in that shower, but his words crushed me. He was okay with just fucking me—just like he fucked her. That’s all I’ve come to mean to him. No matter how much I tell myself that I’m done with him and that I don’t care what he does, I know that I’m just lying to myself. He’s still passed out, but I’m content to lay here. I’m not ready for us to leave our bubble. He mumbled about this room being our bubble as he drifted off to sleep. If this is all I can have with him, maybe that is okay.

I feel myself dozing back off to sleep, when there is a steady knock at the door.

“Why is this door locked?” I hear Xander question from the other side. “Diesel, open the door, man. Ivy’s here for you.” The bus must have stopped at some point during our nap. I cringe at the thought of her being here to see him. She’s bringing reality to our fucking door—literally! Diesel sits up startled at the intrusion.

“Ivy is out there for you,” I whisper. I’m afraid that any more words than that will get stuck in my throat. I attempt to get out of the way so that he can go to her, but he pulls me back down and kisses my forehead.

“Stay here,” he insists. I’m not going to hide in here if that’s what he’s thinking.

Before I can object, he puts a finger to my lips to shush me. “Please. Okay?”

He gets up and opens the door and I can see Ivy and Xander standing on the other side. He walks out and closes the door behind him. I hadn’t agreed to stay put, but when I hear arguing coming from outside the door, I decide not to move. Diesel is arguing with Xander. “I’m not fucking her, man,” I hear Diesel growl. He tells him that I’m not feeling well and that I already feel bad enough about last night so there’s no need to keep chastising me like a child.

“Don’t get any ideas about my sister. Sorry, Ivy. But you fucked this girl last night and then you’re locked in a room with my sister today?” Xander’s tone has come down an octave, but is still stern. “Excuse me if I come off a bit protective, but wouldn’t you.”

“Look. I care about Lourdes. She needs someone too. When shit went down last night, you were quick to grab Lily, but you left your sister hanging. I was the one there for her when she needed someone. And I’m the one here for her today when she needs a friend. I don’t see any one else taking on that role at the moment. You?” There is complete fucking silence. I have no idea what’s happening now. “Okay. Then don’t give me any hypocritical bullshit. If there’s nothing else, I’m going back in the room. Ivy, we’ll talk later. Please, in the future, call first.” I can faintly make out Ivy responding, but I can’t make out what she’s saying.