Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) (20 page)

Julian noticed that everything he was looking at was tainted pink. The mist from the vampire’s exploding body still hung stagnantly in the air. It neither dissipated nor coalesced into droplets. It merely hung in the air, as if waiting. It made Julian feel uneasy.

“I’m sorry about Millard,” Tim said to his sister.

Katherine smiled at him. Her fangs, while not as pronounced as Millard’s had been, were still unnerving. “Don’t be,” she said. She shifted her gaze from Tim to… well, to nothing in particular. She just stared into the heart of the mist cloud. Her irises flashed yellow. “Millard, honey. Don’t be gone long. I can’t eat all of this by myself.”

A cavernous laugh echoed all around them. It seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Julian could feel the laugh inside his ears, in his nose, even in his eyes.

“You miserable little worms,” said Millard’s disembodied voice. “You didn’t think you could come into my house and destroy me so easily, did you?” The pink mist swirled around them.

Cooper staggered, and Julian put an arm around his waist to support him.

“When I return, I’ll be completely restored, unlike your orc friend here.” A higher concentration of mist formed a pink whirlwind around Cooper. He feebly attempted to wave it away.

“Don’t worry, though,” the mist laughed as it spoke. “He won’t be nearly so weak once he is reborn.”

A wave of pink mist rushed toward Dave. “And you, my good holy man,” The mist swirled around Dave’s beard. Dave waved his arms around like he was being attacked by bees, but it made no difference to the mist. “How much more healing will your god grant you before the well runs dry?”

The densest part of the mist abandoned Dave’s beard and flew over to Chaz. “Did I tell you to stop playing?”

Chaz nervously gripped his lute and picked up where he’d left off on the song.

The air cleared as all the mist in the room concentrated itself before Katherine. Pink darkened to red as it took on a vague human form, but was still nothing close to solid. “Sweet Katherine.” The cloud form looked down at her. “Wait for me. I shan’t be long.”

Katherine opened her mouth to kiss the head of the cloud. Just as the tip of her tongue made contact, the form exploded back into a pink vapor.

The mist then took the shape of an arrow, or a rocket, or some kind of pointed missile, and flew down the hall and out of sight.

“He’s going back to his coffin!” said Dave. “He’ll be back to full strength in a matter of minutes if we don’t get to him. We have to destroy it.”

Katherine moved like a striking cobra. One stride off the floor, the next off the wall, a back flip through the air, and landed on her feet between Dave and the hallway. She hissed at Dave and bared her fangs.

Dave stepped back. “Katherine,” he said. “I’m sorry we have to do this. I know you’re confused, but –”

“No!” said Katherine. “I won’t let you kill him. He’s been nothing but gentle to me this whole time and…” She took a moment to glare at everyone in the room. “You are the ones who have been acting like assholes. It’s no wonder he wants to kill you all.”

“She’s right,” said Cooper in a raspy voice.

“She’s what?” said Dave.

Cooper lowered the giant dildo in his hand. “It was an unfortunate misunderstanding.”

Julian looked at Cooper quizzically. The big guy didn’t have the brainpower to be plotting a ruse.

“Cooper,” said Dave. “Look at what he’s done to you. You look like somebody’s deformed grandfather.”

“The guy’s sensitive about his limp dick, and we attacked him with a dildo,” said Cooper. “I’d have attacked us, too, if I were in his place.”

“Cooper’s right,” said Tim. “We should just leave before he… um… recharges or whatever.”

“I don’t believe I’m hearing this!” said Dave. “We’re so close! Tim, this guy killed your sister. Cooper, you were so intent on killing him that you concealed a two foot wooden dick in your ass all day. Think of the Experience Points we could get. Think of the treasure he must have hidden around here somewhere. We could have the money to pay off a wizard and get back home. Isn’t that what we wanted? What about the plan?”

“We’ll find another way,” said Tim. “Katherine is right. Millard’s been a decent guy. Katherine’s decision to let him turn her was hers to make. We’ve acted like dicks.”

Dave sighed in resignation.

“We’ll just go back to the Whore’s Head for now,” Tim continued. “Give it some time, send an apology, and –”

A howl of pain exploded out from the hallway and echoed off the stone walls of the dining room. A second later it was joined by Katherine, also howling in pain. She cupped her hands over her temples and dropped to her knees. As quickly as it had started, the howl stopped, and Katherine fell into a catatonic trance.

Chapter 20

Dave’s armor rattled as he trembled inside it. He wasn’t sure if he was more unnerved by the howls or by Katherine’s dead, glassy-eyed gaze.

“The fuck was that?” said Cooper. He stepped past Katherine into the hallway.

“Wait,” said Dave. Cooper, as usual, ignored him.

“Shit,” said Tim. He leaned Katherine’s dazed body against the wall. He looked up at Chaz. “Keep an eye on them, would you?” he said, gesturing to Katherine and Stuart.

Tim and Julian hurried after Cooper. Dave, against his better judgment, stomped off after them.

“It’s locked,” said Cooper, standing before a solid wooden door.

“I don’t have my lock picks on me,” said Tim. “Does anyone have a toothpick or a paper clip or something?”

Cooper coughed. It was a wet cough that sounded as though it had come from the very bottom of his lungs. “Fuck it,” he said. He punched the door, and it swung open.

Pop! Pop! Click! Thwang! Snap! Clatter.
The final sound was the dildo falling out of Cooper’s hand onto the floor. Cooper soon followed, collapsing backward. He had three crossbow bolts sticking out of his torso, and one more in his thigh.

“Shit!” said Tim. “Booby traps! Everybody back up!” Dave and Julian took a step back from the doorway.

Tim moved cautiously to the door frame and scanned it closely from top to bottom. He licked his lips and slowly nodded his head. Then he reached inside, grabbed the doorknob, and quickly pulled the door shut. Two more bolts thunked into the wood from the other side.

“Dave,” said Tim. “Heal Cooper.” He dropped to his knees and plucked the bolts out of Cooper’s chest and leg.

“It’s my last one for the day,” said Dave.

“Good.” Tim glared up at Dave. “Well fucking use it already.”

Dave knelt next to Cooper. “I heal thee,” he said without much enthusiasm.

The holes in Cooper’s body closed up, but he barely twitched at all. He opened his eyes.

“How you doing, big guy?” asked Tim.

“I’m having a rotten fucking day,” Cooper groaned.

Tim and Julian helped Cooper to his feet.

“Nudge the door open a bit, would you?” Tim asked Julian.

Julian pressed his back against the wall as flat as he could and reached out sideways to push the door open. The hinges whined as the door inched into the room.

“That’s enough,” said Tim when there was a four inch gap to look through. “Jesus Christ!” Tim whispered.

Dave stepped behind Tim. Being a good foot taller, he had a good view over Tim’s head. Through the gap in the doorway, he could see crossbows mounted all over the wall, attached to a series of strings, wires, and pulleys.

“Can you disarm them?” asked Dave.

“Sure,” said Tim. “If you feel like waiting around a few weeks. I’ve got a better idea.” He stopped the door where it was with his foot and looked at Julian. “Can I borrow your serape?”

“Sure.” Julian pulled the garment over his head and handed it to Tim.

“Thanks,” Tim said, wrapping one end of the serape around his hand. He picked up the dildo.

“Hey, man!” said Julian. “I have to wear that.”

“Sorry,” said Tim. He threw the dildo deep into the room and pulled the door shut.

Julian and Tim put their ears to the door and listened. The expressions on their faces gradually morphed from hopeful anticipation to disappointment.

“Did it work?” asked Dave.

“I sprang a few traps,” said Tim. “But not enough to make all that big a difference.”

Julian patted Tim on the shoulder. “It was a good idea.”

Tim shrugged. “Thanks.” He gave Julian his serape.

“Let me try.”

“Try what?”

Julian pushed the door open just a couple of inches and looked inside.

“Julian,” said Tim. “What the hell are you doing?”

“You guys may want to turn around,” said Julian. “And maybe cover your ears or something.”

“What?” said Dave.

“Oh no!” said Tim. “Julian, don’t!”

“Horse,” said Julian. He pulled the door shut.

Dave, Cooper, and Tim winced. They didn’t need their ears to the door to hear the cacophony of snaps, clicks, thwangs, thuds, clatters, smashes, crashes and tortured equine screams. It all came as a sudden explosion of noise. Thankfully, the horse noises only lasted a few seconds. The crossbows continued snapping and popping like the three-minute mark on a bag of microwave popcorn. Then five or six more residual traps fired off at greater intervals. And then nothing.

“Dude,” said Dave. “What have you got against horses?”

“It had to be done.”

“And that,” said Tim, “is how you disarm a room full of traps.” He cautiously pushed the door open, just an inch at a time, until it was wide enough for everyone to walk through. At one point, a crossbow on the far wall, dangling on a web of strings, fired its payload straight into the floor. The malfunction likely had something to do with the four bolts that were sticking out of it.

“That’s one hell of a security system,” said Dave.

Crossbows covered the walls from floor to ceiling. Nearly half of them were damaged beyond repair, having been struck too many times by their fellows. Their spent bolts lay all over the floor. There was a conspicuously dense concentration of them marking the spot where the horse had been summoned. At least two dozen more bolts stuck out of the back of the door. The only area unaffected was a six inch perimeter around the coffin at the center of the room.

“None of this shit was in here thirty minutes ago,” said Cooper.

“What are you talking about?” asked Tim.

“Well,” said Cooper. “I mean, the coffin was here. And the hooks and braces were mounted on the walls already, but I didn’t know what they were for. All of these crossbows, and all this string and shit. They weren’t here.”

“That’s impossible,” said Tim. “All this shit had to come from somewhere. There aren’t any closets or cupboards in here. You must have been in a different room.”

“I’m telling you, man,” said Cooper. “I was in this room, and it was empty, save for that bag over there, and this coffin. I know, because I pissed in it.”

“You did what?” Tim sighed. “Never mind. Let’s just get this over with. Get the stake ready.”

“I thought we agreed not to kill him,” said Julian.

“Yeah, well he might not be too keen on conversation after recuperating inside a piss-soaked coffin. If he jumps out and starts attacking us, I’d like to be ready for that.

Tim made a good point. Dave picked up the stake and pulled five bolts out of it. It was so slippery that he could barely hold onto it. He forced himself not to speculate as to what the oily substance coating it might be. He stood over the coffin and looked at Cooper.

“Ready?” asked Cooper, his fingers on the edge of the lid, ready to lift.

Dave shook his head. He concentrated on his breathing until he got it under control. His heart was beating so hard he thought it might punch through his breastplate. “On three.”

Cooper nodded.

“One, two… three!”

Cooper lifted the lid, and Dave was knocked back by a waft of putrid-smelling air. It was unlike anything he’d ever smelled before, but if he had to guess, it was probably a combination of rotten corpse and half-orc piss.

He dropped to his knees and vomited on the floor.

“Jesus!” Tim cried. “What is that?”

Dave wiped his mouth with his leopard-furred forearm and got to his feet. Through watery eyes, he looked into the coffin. He only recognized Millard because of the clothes the body was wearing. The flesh was charred and cracked. The withered black arms were twisted over its face in a defensive position, covering everything but the fanged mouth, still wide open from the poor bastard’s final scream.

“For fuck’s sake,” Julian choked out the words. “Close it already!”

Cooper appeared to be unaffected by the odor. He closed the lid. The smell of death and piss remained strong in the stagnant air.

“What happened?” asked Julian.

“Who knows?” said Tim. “Kat’s gonna be pissed.”

“The plan worked,” said Dave.

“What are you talking about?” asked Tim.

Dave shook his head and laughed. “The plan was for Cooper to smuggle in a weapon, right?”

“Yeah, so? We kind of botched it with the stake. That’s not what did him in.”

“No,” said Dave. “I’m not talking about the weapon he smuggled in with his ass. I’m talking about the one he smuggled in with his bladder.”

“What?” asked Cooper.

“Holy water,” said Julian. “Remember, you drank half the fountain at the temple of Rapha?”

Tim pursed his lips and nodded his head slowly. “I’m sorry he had to die. But I’ve got to hand it to you, Coop. That was brilliant.”

Cooper scratched his balls under his loincloth. “Um… thanks.”

“Julian,” said Tim. “Why don’t you do a quick Detect Magic scan of the room to see if any of these crossbows and shit are magical?”

“Okay,” said Julian. “Detect Magic,” he mumbled to himself. His eyes glowed white. He scanned the walls, but said nothing. He looked down at the coffin, and then at Cooper’s loincloth. “Ew.”

“What is it?” asked Tim.

“It’s like CSI,” said Julian. “Dave was right about the holy water. Cooper’s piss is glowing blue.”

He looked over at Tim, and then at Dave. His jaw dropped open.

“Shit,” said Dave, brushing his hands over his armor. “Did Cooper piss on me?”

“No, behind you!” said Julian excitedly. “That bag is magical! Or something in it at least.”

“This?” said Dave, picking up the bag. It didn’t look or feel magical. It was made of thick, rough leather. Loosening the drawstring, he looked inside. “There’s nothing in it.”

Julian switched off his Detect Magic spell, and his eyes returned to normal.

“Well I can only tell you what I saw,” said Julian. “It was glowing bright green when I had my spell going.”

“I will admit,” said Dave. “It is kind of heavy for an empty bag.”

“Give it here,” said Tim. “I think I know what this is.”

Dave lowered the bag, and Tim reached an arm inside.

“Gold,” said Tim. When he pulled his hand out of the bag, it was full of shiny gold coins.

“Holy crap!” said Dave. “A Bag of Holding!”

“What’s a Bag of Holding?” asked Julian.

“It’s a bag with extra-dimensional space inside it,” Tim explained.

“Okay,” said Julian. “What the hell does that mean?”

“You can put as much shit as you want in there, and it just disappears into the bag. The bag itself doesn’t get any bigger or heavier.”

“Like Mary Poppins?”

Tim shrugged. “Yeah, pretty much exactly like that.”

“Chim-chiminey!”

“Well,” said Dave. “I guess that explains where all the crossbows and shit came from.”

“Gold!” said Tim, and pulled out another fistful of coins. “Do you guys know what this means? We can buy our way back home!”

“We’ve got to get out of here first,” said Dave. “Horace and Boris are still out there. They’re likely to be suspicious if we try to walk out of here with Katherine and Chaz.”

Tim frowned. “Shit. You’re right.” He looked around. “Any ideas?”

Julian shook his head. Cooper barely seemed to have heard the question.

“Let’s go check on the others,” said Tim. “We’ll brainstorm.”

Back in the dining room, Stuart still lay on the floor, groaning in pain. Katherine knelt beside him, licking his spilled blood off the floor.

“Kat!” shouted Tim. “What the fuck?”

Katherine whirled around and hissed, baring fangs and fingernails. She had a bright red circle on the tip of her nose, and her mouth and chin were completely covered in blood. After the initial surprise wore off, she lowered her hands and her head and covered her face.

“I’m sorry,” she said between sobs. “I couldn’t help myself.”

Tim walked up to his sister. “I know, Kat. It’s okay so long as you don’t actually take any out of his body.” He cleared his throat. “Listen. I’ve got some more bad news for you. I’ll just come right out and say it. Millard’s dead.” He hung his head.

Katherine lowered her hands and looked down at Tim through teary eyes. “Millard! Who gives a fuck about Millard? Look at me! I’m a freak! I was just lapping up blood off the floor like a dog, and you’re grieving over the bastard that did this to me?”

“But I thought you –”

“Look at my teeth!” she cried. “I had to wear braces for six years! And for what?”

“Fucking vampire mind control,” Tim muttered.

“And my skin!” Katherine went on. “Do you know how much time I’ve spent on the beach, trying to get the perfect tan? Now I’m white as a –”

The room was suddenly silent as Cooper brought the Bag of Holding down over Katherine’s head.