Crossroads of Fate (Cadicle #5): An Epic Space Opera Series (30 page)

To permanently suppress his hurt and guilt, he would need to make a new reality for himself—one where he truly believed himself to be the good person everyone else saw him to be. Somewhere deep within, perhaps there was the strength to start again, where he could be a husband and partner and leader in all the ways he needed to be in order to see his loved ones through the coming trials.

I need to get out of here.
The compulsion was overwhelming. It was his only chance to recover. A fleeting hope, but maybe—just maybe—he could recapture enough of himself to pull through.

He slipped from the bed and began to pack. He wouldn’t need much, just a few changes of clothes and some rations; he could get those on the way, perhaps from a supply station. A faint smile touched his lips—it wasn’t unlike when his father had left Tararia so many years before.

When his travel bag was ready, Wil crouched down next to Saera’s side of the bed and brushed her temple with his fingertips.

She awoke with a start, her glowing jade eyes blinking with surprise. “Wil…? Wait, why are you dressed?”

“I need to leave.”

His wife bolted upright. “Where are you going?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he replied truthfully.

She frowned.

Wil grasped her hands. “I can never recover in a place with so many memories, and with everyone watching. I need to be alone so I can find myself—really find myself. I’ve never had the chance to do that before. I’ve always been told who to be, what to do. Not once did I have any say over my own pursuits.”

Saera took a shaky breath. “Let me go with you.”

“Not this time. If I’m to have any chance of being a worthy partner to you, then I need to do this on my own.”

After a moment, she nodded. “Come back soon.”

“I’ll try.” Wil swallowed. “If you haven’t heard from me within four months, then you should assume I’m never coming back.”

“No…” Tears glistened in the subtle light cast from her eyes.

“It won’t come to that, if I can help it.”

Wil sensed her reach out to him through their bond, feeling his pain and confusion and experiencing it as her own. She withdrew. “I understand.”

He brushed away a tear on her cheek. “I could have never made it this far without you.”

She placed her hand over his against her face. “I can’t imagine a future without you. But I’ll fulfill my duty even if you aren’t here, if it’s necessary.”

Wil leaned in and brushed his lips against hers before pulling away. “You always were the strongest one.”

*       *       *

Saera reached over and felt the cool space on the bed where Wil should be. Even when he was withdrawn, his presence was a reminder of their partnership. With him gone, she just felt empty.

She got dressed for the day slowly, trying to delay the conversations that were to come. Once dressed, she took some time to gather herself, but eventually knew she could delay no longer. She crossed the hall to Cris and Kate’s quarters.

Steeling herself, Saera pressed the buzzer at the door.

Cris answered. “Hi, Saera. How are you?” Kate came up behind him

“I’m…” She looked to the side, unable to meet his gaze. “Wil has gone away.”

Cris’ eyes widened with alarm. “Where did he go?”

I wish I were with him.
“I don’t know. But he needed to. He couldn’t recover here.”

Cris took a slow breath. “We’ll just have to trust him, I suppose.”

“Part of me wanted to bar him from leaving, but this was no way to live our lives. It’s been weeks of decline. I’m glad he finally took some action.”
He was wasting away, and he would have taken the rest of us with him eventually.

“Did he say anything else about his intentions?” Kate asked.

“That he needs time to himself. He said if he’s not back in four months then he’s never coming back.”

Cris nodded. “Let’s hope it’s not that long.”

I’m not ready to lose my husband—my best friend, my confidant… my everything.
“I want him to find peace. I’ve been feeling the echo of torment within him for all this time, and I can’t even begin to imagine what he must be experiencing himself.”

“That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him, too.” Cris paused. “We should tell the Primus Elites he’s gone away.”

Saera nodded.

“I’ll go with you, if you want,” Cris offered.

“No, I’ll tell Michael first, and he can relay it the others.”
They’ll want to hear it from one of their own.

“Okay.” Cris exhaled slowly. “We need to be here for each other. Know our door is always open.”

“Thanks.” Saera’s breath caught in her throat. Tears burned the corners of her eyes, but she managed to keep them at bay.
I need to be strong.
She was about to retreat to her quarters when Cris pulled her in for a hug. She leaned against him, grateful for someone to comfort her.

Kate rubbed Saera’s back. “You’re family, no matter what.”

When the knot in her chest had eased, Saera pulled away.
I can’t dwell on some imagined loss. I need to believe that Wil will come back healed.
“Hey, I could use a distraction,” she said to Cris. “Do you need any help with your new administrative duties?”

Cris’ eyebrows raised with surprise. “Is that a genuine offer?”

“I’m going to drive myself crazy waiting for Wil if I don’t keep busy,” Saera admitted.

“Well, I haven’t officially selected a new Lead Agent. I didn’t think you’d be interested, but you have a higher CR than anyone else so you get first right of refusal. The position is yours, if you want it.”

If that can’t fill up my time, nothing will.
Saera nodded. “I’d be honored.”

“All right. Consider it done.” Cris gave her the hint of a smile. “You can start tomorrow.”

“Thanks.” She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear, thankful to have a new sense of direction. “I appreciate it.”

Cris’ smile touched his eyes this time. “You’ll be way better at the job than I ever was.”

They parted with another hug. Feeling temporarily in control of her emotions, Saera decided to get the conversation with Michael out of the way. She headed down the hall of Primus Agents’ quarters.

Under other circumstances, receiving such a significant career promotion would have elated her, but in her present mental state, it was just enough to counter the emotional torment emanating from Wil through their bond. The weeks of vicariously experiencing his pain had worn her down, but she was determined to not succumb. So long as she had her friends’ support, she could find her way until Wil returned. Michael, in particular, had always been there for her over the years. He could give her the perspective she needed, and would know how to tell their other friends that Wil had gone.

Saera hit the buzzer next to Michael’s new Agent quarters. She waited, but there was no answer.
He should be home at this hour.
She pressed the buzzer again.

Another minute passed, then the lock finally clicked open and the door slid to the side, just a crack. Michael peered out from inside, pants on but shirtless.

“Hi,” Saera greeted. “May I come in?”

Michael shifted on his feet. “This isn’t really a good time.”

“I have some news.”

“Can it wait?”

“Maybe, but…” Saera’s heart was heavy as she thought about what to say regarding Wil.

“Who is it?” a familiar voice asked from within.

Saera staggered backward a step as Elise came into view. “You two…?”

“Saera! I was going to tell you—” Elise started.

Michael swallowed, visibly uncomfortable in his position between them. “We wanted to make sure it was real before we said anything.”

Two of my best friends… I should be happy for them.
Except at the present, celebrating the new couple was the last thing on her mind. “How long…?”

“It’s brand new,” Elise replied. “Saera, what’s wrong?”

The fragile threads allowing Saera to maintain composure started to unravel. Everyone else had their own lives to live—she couldn’t expect anyone to be there for her. With Wil gone, she was on her own.
I promised Wil that I would carry on without him, but I don’t want to. I want my best friend back.
Overcome with a sudden sense of isolation, she sobbed into her hands.

At the edge of her consciousness, Saera sensed Michael’s and Elise’s hands on her back, gently guiding her inside and to the couch. She followed their direction, still in a daze of uncertainty about the future ahead. Elise sat down and pulled Saera’s face to her shoulder. Saera heartily accepted the gesture, thankful for any physical comfort.

“What is it?” Elise asked when Saera’s breathing had evened.

“Wil left,” Saera said, the words not seeming real.

“He Left!” Elise exclaimed.

“No,” Saera hastily corrected, realizing that her phrasing gave the wrong impression. The Taran custom of elderly individuals or couples Leaving to die quietly on their own terms in a remote location was distinct, but in some ways the present circumstances might not be too different. “He’s traveling.”

“Oh.” Elise relaxed.

“I don’t know where,” Saera continued. “I hate that he made me stay behind.”

Elise hugged her. “Don’t worry.”

“Taking some time away for private introspection isn’t a bad thing,” Michael added. “I’m sure he won’t be away for long.”

“That’s what I keep telling myself,” Saera murmured, pulling away from her friend. “All the same, we should probably tell the other Elites.”

“Yeah, I agree.” Michael shifted on his feet, seeming to remember he was still only half-dressed. “Just give me a few minutes to get ready. I’ll come find you soon.”

Right, I interrupted them.
Saera hastily stood up. “Sorry for intruding.”

“Not at all. You’re welcome to stay—” Elise started.

One glance toward Michael’s uncomfortable expression told Saera to ignore Elise’s offer. Michael would always be a good friend, but there were boundaries, and this visit had crossed the line. “It’s okay. I’ll wait in my quarters. No rush,” Saera said and headed for the door.

Elise nodded with compassion. “We’re here if you need anything.”

Michael showed her out. “He’ll be back soon. I have no doubt.”

Saera nodded, though she wasn’t yet sure she genuinely believed the statement. “I’m really happy for you.”

He glanced back at Elise. “Me too.”

Without another word, Saera headed back to her quarters.
Wil has to come back. We have so much left to do.

*       *       *

The High Commander’s office would always belong to Banks in Cris’ mind, but he would have to find a way to make it his own. Especially with Wil gone for an indeterminate time, the TSS was in his hands. He’d made his stand as a dynastic heir helming the TSS, and he needed to own that new position.

Cris closed out of the latest reports about progress repairing the rift.
I hope the administrative tedium doesn’t drive me crazy. At least it will be fun having Saera as Lead Agent.

As he leaned back in the desk chair to take a quick break, a chirp from the desktop returned him to attention.

The source of the communication was completely masked, but a star was displayed next to the caller, indicating prior communications.
Is this my new boss checking in on me?

“CACI, accept call on the main viewscreen,” Cris instructed, walking over to face the display.

The broad viewscreen on the side wall briefly illuminated with the TSS logo, then transitioned to an image of a single figure robed in black.

“Hello,” Cris greeted, instantly on edge.

“Cristoph Sietinen,” the figure stated in a low male voice. “Sietinen heir, and now acting High Commander. So much power for one so volatile.”

Cris crossed his arms. “Volatile? I think I’ve been a pretty reliable officer.”

“You claim to serve the TSS, but still you think of other matters. You have never learned your place.”

“My place is in service to Tararia.”

The figure shook his head, face concealed in shadow. “You think only of what will improve the lives of those like you, not the will of the people.”

I can only assume this is one of the Priesthood’s leaders. What is he trying to get from me?
“I have vowed to do what I think is in the best interest of all Tarans.”

“That is not your decision to make!” the figure bellowed.

“Is it yours?” Cris asked, trying to appear unruffled.
If this is what Banks was dealing with all those years, no wonder he always kept quiet.

“You answer to the Priesthood, now and always.”

That was all the confirmation Cris needed. “Yes. As I said, I serve the Taran people.”

“Understand your role.”

“And what is that, exactly? You’re speaking in vague generalizations—threats, maybe. I mean, you call yourself a leader, but you won’t show your face, or even share your name. In my experience, that’s not a great way to win over followers.”