Crown's Chance at Love (2 page)

I wonder what Sean would think about today. He’d like everyone being over. He loved having get-togethers at our house. Maybe because when growing up his family really didn’t do that, mine was the complete opposite. Family, extended family, friends and friend’s kids that you weren’t blood related to, but you called them cousins because that’s what they were, they were family. He loved my family, loved. My heart feels slightly heavier and numb when my thoughts about Sean go to the past tense.
He is gone
, at this thought my heart goes still, I feel momentarily lost, almost frozen.  Lost and numb. I keep looking at the door, expecting him to walk in wearing his uniform, and flip flops instead of his work boots.

I buried him in his favorite flip flops. His mom and my mom almost had a kitten when they saw what I had packed to give to the funeral home. Thank God for his aunt who talked some sense into them.  Without her, it would have been a big argument or fight, well maybe. No one wants to argue with me. They are all walking on eggshells whispering about me, about the fact that I am not falling apart at the seams. Everyone whispering acting like somehow I can’t hear them. I smile to myself at the thought of how dumb that really was. There is no way that Sean would want our kids to see me like that. No way Sean would want me like that period. Maybe once I can feel something, maybe then I can cry or have a reaction. Who knows? I just know that I can’t fall apart in front everyone; they just want something to talk about. I love my family and his, don’t get me wrong, but I really don’t feel like giving them a show just so that it will make them feel better.

Or maybe I could fake one, just like how I have been faking having it together these last eleven days. Smiling dutifully at family and friends. Making small talk with everyone around me. Holding my babies close, the four of us sleeping every night together in the master bedroom the past eleven days. Its at those moments that I am closest at breaking down,the closest I have felt at feeling something. Even if it is just my heart growing heavier as my babies cry over their dad. He was such a damn good dad. No, not good, but fucking great. The type of dad where the kids were extremely excited to see him when he walked in from his long days at work. The kind of dad that went out without a second thought when we needed an extra thing in a school project, or snacks for whatever sport Mark, our oldest, was playing. I have to keep it together for them. They wouldn’t benefit from having a sorry excuse of a broken woman as their mom. They didn’t need that. What they need is someone who is reliable, stable. They need to rely that I could keep it together, that I won’t fall apart like some ninny.

I’ve smiled as I have served coffee, and I have said
thank you
at those who give their condolences. I am standing in our living room surrounded by so many people that I know love me, some that have even known me my entire life, yet I have never felt so alone or so lost. I walk towards the kitchen. Shit, I know that I am holding on by a thin string, I know it’s going to break, and it won’t be pretty. But maybe I can do that when I am in the shower? That way I don’t know the difference between my tears and the water. I look over to the kitchen and see the kids running around. I’m thankful that my kids have the same amount of cousins and friends that I did growing up, and not just each other how Sean had; Sean only had a brother. But our kids, they have a huge group of support and love around them, thank God for that.

“Slow down guys! Kelly why don’t you take the kids outside to play? Please?” Cara looks at Kelly. My sister Cara asks one of our many cousins to take the kids out. I watch them, they haven’t seen me. Her long maple brown hair done in a messy braid, whiskey colored eyes a little sad, dressed in a sweet a-line black dress that hangs below her knees looked stunning today. She had kept it together, holding Chris, my youngest close to her all day throughout the entire funeral and even now he sits on her lap.

“Sure, come on guys! You heard your aunt! Let’s go!” Kelly tells them as she opens the back door that leads to our huge backyard. I close my eyes as I lean into the dark cool hallway, away from prying eyes.

“Where’s Mommy Cara?” Chris, my youngest asks Cara as he looks up at his beautiful aunt.

“She’s just in the bathroom, she will be right out. Go play” she says smiling at my little sweet boy as he slides down her lap. The kids all run out with Kelly. Chris holds Kelly’s hand. He’s always been touchy feely maybe because he was my youngest, but for the last eleven days it’s been worse. I know I need to make a mental note of it and figure out how to help him.

“How’s she doing?” I hear Allison ask Cara. I can imagine Cara wants to roll her eyes at her. Allison and I were close friends, once upon a time, I’m not really sure why she’s here right now. She’s probably waiting to see the big dramatic breakdown so that she can gossip about it with the people from high school that I was once friends with. Who knows?

“I don’t know. She hasn’t even cried yet. My mom is going to stay with her this week, and then I’ll come back next week and stay here.” Cara says almost whispering. I know Cara is worried…another mental note to make sure I have one-on-one time with her as well.

“She’s probably still in shock.” Emily chimes in. I love my Emily. I know by her tone that she is annoyed at the fact that Allison is there trying to get dirt. Emily’s long black hair is up in a simple ponytail, her makeup flawless as usual, wearing a pretty black dress with black heels that made her long legs look a mile long. Her jade green eyes are sad too, I knew how much Sean meant to her and her husband Dan.

Sean would have loved having everyone here, knowing that everyone had made the almost seven hour trip to our home in northern California, especially knowing that Emmi and Dan had made it up with the kids. We were always so close. Our two families, they were Mark’s Godparents and we were their middle son, Ty’s, Godparents. When was the last time we had all gotten together? Something tightened in my throat at the thought all of us never being together again.What would it be like now? Without Sean here?

“She says she isn’t. She said she has to keep it together for the kids, and that Sean wouldn’t want her crying”, Cara says her voice almost cracking when she says Sean’s name, “He really wouldn’t.” I take a deep breath, a twinge of guilt stirs in me for hiding in the shadows of my house knowing this is my cue to walk into the kitchen, so I take a deep breath and walk into the kitchen, with my smile pasted on my face.

“Hey, you guys doing ok? Want any more coffee or food?” I ask smiling politely, trying not to roll my eyes at Allison.

“No Sabrina, thank you though. Why don’t you sit down, let me make you a plate. I don’t think I have seen you eat today.” Allison stood up.
Nice gesture
, I guess.

“I’ll sit, maybe just some cake and coffee though? Thanks.” I say so that she would get up and go away for a bit, give Cara and Emily a break. “The service was nice, don’t you guys think?” I ask smiling.

“Yeah, everyone spoke so wonderfully about Sean babe.” Cara says as she holds my hand. I look at her warmly and smile.

“Yeah they did. Thank you for talking up there. I know Sean would appreciate it. He knows how much you hate talking in front of an audience… I mean he knew that.” Sometimes I forget the past tense, when I remember a tightening starts in my throat; like a huge knot is tightening its grip over me.  I breathe in and ask, “Where are the kids?” even though I already know Kelly is watching them in the backyard.

“They are playing in the backyard, don’t worry Kelly is watching them. “ Allison answers as she brings a slice of cake and coffee walking into the kitchen sitting next to Cara. The break being too short, I glance over at Emily and see her roll her eyes, she sees that I saw and she bites away a laugh, and I smile.

“Good. That’s good. She is really good with them.” I say as I take a bite, and a sip of coffee. I look up at them and they are all staring at me. Somehow the thought of
this is what fish must feel like in a fishbowl
strikes in my head.

“I should go check how the people in the living room are on coffee and food. I don’t want to get stuck with all these leftovers.” I say as I play with the rest of the cake just really moving it around. I’m not sure who made this, but it’s horribly dry.

Cara stands and says, “Don’t worry about that Rina, I’ll do it.”

“No. I feel better doing something.” I say noticing the genuine worry in Emily and Cara’s eyes. They look at one another silently.

“Why don’t you go with me, I have to go to the store, we need ice & chips.” Says a deep male voice, the women at the table look up and see Nick standing by the door. Nick’s tall, six foot one, lean, has a runner’s body with brown shaggy hair that is slightly curling at his neck, long overdue for a haircut and warm coffee brown eyes. He is the boy next door mixed with bad boy scruffiness. Dressed in a black suit with a white dress shirt and thin black tie, he looks great. A rumpled type of sexy, like he fell asleep in his suit. He probably did. I think I heard someone say he flew in from Denver to be here today.

I have been avoiding him like the plague, because being my best guy friend I knew he wanted me to talk, to spill my guts and feelings and I’m not ready for that. He knew me better than I knew myself at times, especially since we had been friends for what had felt like a lifetime.

“Sounds good, but I have to keep an eye on the kids.” I tell him and he frowns.

“Go, I’ll watch them. You need a break. Plus you know our family, they never leave early.” Cara says, probably hoping I will go with Nick.

Nick’s my best guy friend, has been for years and years and years. No matter how much time flies by, we know we can count on one another;he is one of my oldest friends. Friends since middle school, he is one of those people who have become like family. Sean liked him. They used to enjoy watching whatever games were on when he had come to visit, and on more than one occasion, Sean had flown up to Denver, where Nick was at most of the time for work, to go watch a Bronco’s game.

“Okay.” I give in,
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
, “We will be quick, and I have my cell if you need me.” I say standing up smoothing down my grey dress, then follow Nick out the front door, everyone’s eyes on my burning into my back.

***

Nicholas “Nick” Riley

We walk quietly side by side down the street to my car, and I open the door for her and she says, “Thanks.”

“For what, opening the door? How were you going to get in the car?” I say trying to lighten the mood with my smartass commentary that she is used to. I walk to my side of my rented silver Honda Civic and sit down.

“Not for that, for helping me get out of there.” She says quietly once we are both seated and buckled up in my car.

“Of course.” I say.

She isn’t doing well. I mean who would be under these shit circumstances, losing Sean the way that she did? It wasn’t fair, shit like this wasn’t supposed to happen to people like them. It still pisses me off when I think about it. When Emmi had called me to tell me, I had been in such shock I thought it was a bad April Fool’s joke or prank. Sabrina loved playing pranks on me, and usually Emmi was her accomplice, but this time had been real, and damn it if I wish it hadn’t been.

Who the fuck drives drunk four times the legal amount at 8:30 in the fucking morning?  So fucking drunk, blasting his music so loud the idiot didn’t hear an ambulance with sirens blasting, hitting Sean and his partner head on at seventy miles an hour in a twenty five residential area. My contact at the police department told me that Sean died on impact, his partner wasn’t so lucky. He lived two agonizing hours as the fire department cut him out only to die on an operating table at a local hospital.

Who would be okay after living through this fucking nightmare? The worst part about it was that the drunk asshole walked away from the scene, only a couple of bumps and bruises, but thankfully he was looking at a long time in prison, the asshole deserved it.

I look at my hands on the steering wheel, my knuckles are white from how hard I am holding onto the steering wheel as I think about what happened to Sean. Unclenching my fingers from the wheel, she doesn’t need my anger, she needs me calm.

Her dad told me she had requested not to know any information on the driver. Maybe later on she would want to know, but he had said she was adamant about not wanting details, not even the asshole’s name who had killed Sean. One thing I knew about Sabrina, when she had made up her mind, she would stick to it. She had even asked her parents and I knew that she would ask Emmi and I not to look into him but  I already had.

Patrick Evans, a twenty-four year old fuck up who was the illegitimate child of a very well known businessman in Southern California who had a huge automotive company. His dad had had an affair, and he had been the product of it, typical poor rich boy cliché. He had an older half brother and an ice queen for a stepmom.  His mom had been sick and died a couple of years ago.

I look over to her. Her chestnut brown hair is in a simple ponytail, her eyes sad and empty as she is staring out the window. We pass a grocery store and she looks at me, her eyebrow lifted, “I thought we were going to the store, don’t we need ice and chips?” she asks.

“Nah. Jerry brought like five huge bags and Dan got a little excited in the chip aisle at CostCo. I just thought you needed to get out of there”, I tell her, as I park the car.