Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High (23 page)

If asking others to share their path doesn't open things up, mirroring can help build more safety. In mirroring, we take the portion of the other person's Path to Action we have access to and make it safe for him or her to discuss it. All we have so far are actions and some hints about the other person's emotions, so we start there.

When we mirror, as the name suggests, we play the role of mirror by describing how they look or act. Although we may not understand others' stories or facts, we can see their actions and reflect them back.

Mirroring is most useful when another person's tone of voice or gestures (hints about the emotions behind them) are inconsistent with his or her words. For example: “Don't worry. I'm fine.” (But the person in question is saying this with a look and tone that suggests he is actually quite upset. He's frowning, looking around, and sort of kicking at the ground.)

“Really? From the way you're saying that, it doesn't sound like you are.”

We explain that while the person may be saying one thing, his or her tone of voice or body posture suggests something else. In
doing so, by staying with the observed actions, we show both respect and concern for him or her.

When reflecting back your observations, take care to manage your tone of voice and delivery. It is not the fact that we are acknowledging others' emotions that creates safety. We create safety when our tone of voice says we're okay with them feeling the way they're feeling. If we do this well, they may conclude that rather than acting out their emotions, they can confidently talk them out with us instead.

So as we describe what we see, we have to do so calmly. If we act upset or as if we're not going to like what others say, we don't build safety. We confirm their suspicions that they need to remain silent.

Examples of mirroring include:

“You say you're okay, but by the tone of your voice, you seem upset.”

“You seem angry at me.”

“You look nervous about confronting him. Are you sure

you're willing to do it?”

Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person's story out into the open. When you get a clue about
why
the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you've heard. Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said. Instead, put the message in your own words—usually in an abbreviated form.

“Let's see if I've got this right. You're upset because I've voiced my concern about some of the clothes you wear. And this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you.”

The key to paraphrasing, as with mirroring, is to remain calm and collected. Our goal is to make it safe, not to act horrified and
suggest that the conversation is about to turn ugly. Stay focused on figuring out how a reasonable, rational, and decent person could have created this Path to Action. This will help you keep from becoming angry or defensive. Simply rephrase what the person has said, and do it in a way that suggests that it's okay, you're trying to understand, and it's safe for him or her to talk candidly.

Don't push too hard
. Let's see where we are. We can tell that another person has more to share than he or she is currently sharing. He or she is going to silence or violence, and we want to know why. We want to get back to the source (the facts) where we can solve the problem. To encourage the person to share, we've tried three listening tools. We've asked, mirrored, and paraphrased. The person is still upset, but isn't explaining his or her stories or facts.

Now what? At this point, we may want to back off. After a while, our attempts to make it safe for others can start feeling as if we're pestering or prying. If we push too hard, we violate both purpose and respect. Others may think our purpose is merely to extract what we want from them and conclude that we don't care about them personally. So instead, we back off. Rather than trying to get to the source of the other person's emotions, we either gracefully exit or ask what he or she wants to see happen. Asking people what they want helps them engage their brains in a way that moves to problem solving and away from either attacking or avoiding. It also helps reveal what they think the cause of the problem is.

On the other hand, there are times when you may conclude that others would like to open up, but still don't feel safe. Or maybe they're still in violence, haven't come down from the adrenaline, and aren't explaining why they're angry. When this is the case, you might want to try priming. Prime when you believe that the
other person still has something to share and might do so with a little more effort on your part.

The power-listening term “priming” comes from the expression “priming the pump.” If you've ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor. With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get it running. Then it works just fine. When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling before you can expect him or her to do the same. You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will respond in kind.

A few years back, one of the authors was working with an executive team that had decided to add an afternoon shift to one of the company's work areas. The equipment wasn't being fully utilized, and the company couldn't afford to keep the area open without adding a three-to-midnight crew. This, of course, meant that the people currently working days would now have to rotate every two weeks to afternoons. It was a tortured but necessary choice.

As the execs held a meeting to announce the unpopular change, the existing employees went silent. They were obviously unhappy, but nobody would say anything. The operations manager was afraid that people would misinterpret the company's actions as nothing more than a grab for more money. In truth, the area was losing money, but the decision was made with the current employees in mind. With no second shift, there would be no jobs. He also knew that asking people to rotate shifts and to be away from loved ones during the afternoon and evening would cause horrible burdens.

As people sat silently fuming, the executive did his best to get them to talk so that they wouldn't walk away with unresolved feelings. He mirrored, “I can see you're upset—who wouldn't be? Is there anything we can do?” Nothing. Finally, he primed.
That is, he took his best guess at what they might be thinking, said it in a way that showed it was okay to talk about it, and then went on from there. “Are you thinking that the only reason we're doing this is to make money? That maybe we don't care about your personal lives?”

After a brief pause, someone answered: “Well, it sure looks like that. Do you have any idea how much trouble this is going to cause?” Then someone else chimed in and the discussion was off and running.

Now, this is not the kind of thing you would do unless nothing else has worked. You really want to hear from others, and you have a very strong idea of what they're probably thinking. Priming is an act of good faith, taking risks, becoming vulnerable, and building safety in hopes that others will share their meaning.

Sometimes it feels dangerous to sincerely explore the views of someone whose path is wildly different from your own. He or she could be completely wrong, and we're acting calm and collected. This makes us nervous.

To keep ourselves from feeling nervous while exploring others' paths—no matter how different or wrong they seem—remember we're trying to understand their point of view, not necessarily agree with it or support it. Understanding doesn't equate with agreement. Sensitivity does equate to acquiescence. By taking steps to understand another person's Path to Action, we are promising that we'll accept their point of view. There will be plenty of time later for us to share our path as well. For now, we're merely trying to get at what others think in order to understand why they're feeling the way they're feeling and doing what they're doing.

Now let's put the several skills together in a single interaction. We'll return to Wendy. She has just come home from a date with the guy who has you frightened. You yank the door open, pull Wendy into the house, and double-bolt your entrance. Then you talk, sort of.

W
ENDY
: How could you embarrass me like that! I get one boy to like me, and now he'll never talk to me again! I hate you!

Y
OU
: That wasn't a boy. That was a future inmate. You're worth more than that. Why are you wasting your time with him?

W
ENDY
: You're ruining my life. Leave me alone!

After Wendy's bedroom door slams shut, you drop down into a chair in the living room. Your emotions are running wild. You're terrified about what could happen if Wendy continues to see this guy. You're hurt that she said she hated you. You feel that your relationship with her is spiraling out of control.

So you ask yourself, “What do I really want?” As you mull this question over, your motives change. The goals of controlling Wendy and defending your pride drop from the top to the bottom of your list. The goal that's now at the top looks a bit more inspiring: “I want to understand what she's feeling. I want a good relationship with Wendy. And I want her to make choices that will make her happy.”

You're not sure if tonight is the best or worst time to talk, but you know that talking is the only path forward. So you give it a shot.

Y
OU
: (
Tapping on door.)
Wendy? May I talk with you please?

W
ENDY
: Whatever.

(
You enter her room and sit on her bed
.)

Y
OU
: I'm really sorry for embarrassing you like that. That was a bad way to handle it. [
Apologize to build safety
]

W
ENDY
: It's just that you do that a lot. It's like you want to control everything in my life.

Y
OU
: Can we talk about that? [
Ask
]

W
ENDY
: (
Sounding angry
) It's no big deal. You're the parent, right?

Y
OU
: From the way you say that, it sounds like it is a big deal. [
Mirror
] I really would like to hear what makes you think I'm trying to control your life. [
Ask
]

W
ENDY
: What, so you can tell me more ways that I'm screwed up? I've finally got one friend who accepts me, and you're trying to chase him away!

Y
OU
: So you feel like I don't approve of you, and your friend is one person who does? [
Paraphrase
]

W
ENDY
: It's not just you. All my friends have lots of boys who like them. Doug's the first guy who's even called me. I don't know—never mind.

Y
OU
: I can see how you'd feel badly when others are getting attention from boys and you aren't. I'd probably feel the same way. [
Paraphrase
]

W
ENDY
: Then how could you embarrass me like that?!

Y
OU
: Honey, I'd like to take a stab at something here. I wonder if part of the reason you've started dressing differently and hanging out with different friends is because you're not feeling cared about and valued by boys, by your parents, and by others right now. Is that part of it? [
Prime
]

W
ENDY
: (
Sits quietly for a long time
) Why am I so ugly? I really work on how I look but. . .

From here, the conversation goes to the real issues, parent and daughter discuss what's really going on, and both come to a better understanding of each other.

Let's say you did your level best to make it safe for the other person to talk. After asking, mirroring, paraphrasing, and eventually priming, the other person opened up and shared his or her path. It's now your turn to talk. But what if you disagree? Some of the other person's facts are wrong, and his or her stories are completely fouled up. Well, at least they're a lot different from the story you've been telling. Now what?

As you watch families and work groups take part in heated debates, it's common to notice a rather intriguing phenomenon. Although the various parties you're observing are violently arguing, in truth, they're in
violent agreement
. They actually agree on every important point, but they're still fighting. They've found a way to turn subtle differences into a raging debate.

For example, last night your teenage son broke his curfew again. You and your spouse have spent the morning arguing about the infraction. Last time James came in late, you agreed to ground him, but today you're upset because it seems like your spouse is backpedaling by suggesting that James still be able to attend a football camp this week. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding. You and your spouse
agree
to the grounding—the central issue. You thought your spouse was reneging on the agreement when, in truth, you just hadn't actually resolved the date the grounding would start. You had to step back and listen to what you were both saying to realize that you weren't really disagreeing, but violently agreeing.

Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that people disagree over. And while it's true that people eventually need to work through differences, you shouldn't start there. Start with an area of agreement.

So here's the take-away. If you completely agree with the other person's path, say so and move on. Agree when you agree. Don't turn an agreement into an argument.