Crude: A Stepbrother Romance (19 page)

But before I can answer, Josh turns to him; “You’re of course welcomed to come too, Knox.”

“Oh, gee golly,” He says with a bored look on his face.

Josh opens his mouth to say something and then closes it. He’s peering at Knox, frowning as if remembering something; “Knox, you know,  I think I might- wait, where’d you go to school?”

Knox rolls his eyes; “No offense, Joshy, but I sincerely doubt we were ever in the same circles.”

I shoot him a look; “Josh went to
Exeter
, Knox.”

Josh laughs; “No, it’s not that…” He trails off again before suddenly his eyes go wide; “Oh
shit!
That’s
how I know you!”

I’m not sure who looks more confused, me or Knox, but it’s when the next words come out of Josh’s mouth that Knox’s face goes absolutely pale.

“Luke Roberts, man!”

Huh
? The name certainly means something to Knox, though. All the color drains from his face, and his eyes quickly dart to mine.

He almost looks
scared
.

Josh is chuckling, shaking his head; “Yeah, man! Luke Roberts! He had a cousin at Exeter that told me the whole story. Dude, you must of
really
had it out for that guy!”

I frown; “What whole story?”

“Nothing,” Knox says quickly, a shadow drifting across his face as he glares at Josh; “Just some bullshit rumor.”

Josh is still laughing; “Rumor?!” He snorts and pats Knox on the shoulder; “I don’t think so, man. Luke’s cousin said the whole family still talks about it. His parents totally got divorced after that, you know.”

“What story?” I feel like I’m talking to vacuum, getting zero answers besides the dark, scared look in Knox’s eyes

“It was a long time ago, and it was a mistake, OK?” He says quietly; “Look, let’s change the-”

“What’s he talking about?”

Josh turns to me, still laughing like whatever this is about is the funniest damn thing in the world; “Cynthia Roberts; Luke Roberts’s mom,” I’m still drawing a blank and watching Knox’s face fall in slow motion before the other shoe drops like a hammer.

“This guy banged the kid’s
mom
.”

It feels like I’m falling; like the whole world has stopped spinning and the floor’s opened up to let me drop down into the abyss.
 

This can’t be true; it HAS to be a horrible rumor.

But the truth is right there on Knox’s face, etched into the tightness in his clenched jaw and the fear in his eyes; “Paige, it’s-”

“You know, Josh?” I say quickly, blinking and forcing myself to breath and fake a smile; “Let’s go to that party.”

Ok, I am totally out of my element here.

But as the thumping bass of the music and the sweaty masses of drunk, laughing people swallows me up, suddenly, I’m wondering if that’s really such a bad thing.
 

The party isn’t even that far from our house, but I feel like I’m a million miles away, or at college already or something. Josh and I are decidedly overdressed for the raucous house party, though he seems to be pulling off the unbuttoned dress shirt, open dinner jacket look like some sort of male model. Me? I’m just the awkward girl wearing the black cocktail dress to a keg-party.

Don’t mind me, I’ll just be hiding my face in the corner over here.

So, yes, I’m way out of my element, but then again, isn’t this what I want, at least secretly? Isn’t that why I sneak off to open mic nights in the city and use a fake name to sing songs about loss and tragedy and being broken? I
want
the seedier side; the rock n’ roll instead of the Bach, the late nights instead of the early morning tests. I want noise and I want chaos and I want sin and I want-

“Beer?”

I jerk my head up to see Josh smiling at me curiously with a red plastic cup in his hand. Beer? Uh,
hell yes.

“Thanks!” I say, gladly taking the cup from Josh’s hand and bringing it to my lips. I take a huge sip of the bitter liquid, deciding right there that I
like
the bitter.
 

Cause the sweet just ain’t as sweet without it.

I take another big sip, and then I just say screw it and tilt the cup and my head back as I slowly begin to drain the whole thing. Screw being good, screw being
me
, and screw
Knox fucking Shepherd
for that matter.

Josh is staring at me with a surprised look on his face as I drain the whole beer right there in front of him. I smack my lips and shrug like this is just “something I do” on the regular before I quickly cover my mouth with my arm and try and muffle the belch that comes out.

“You, uh...you want to give it a second or go for round two?” He’s grinning at me and
God
is he handsome. Like, handsome in the classic sense of the word. Not like Knox, who’s more...what, hot? Raw? Primal?

I wrinkle my nose, shaking thoughts of
him
out of my head; “Let’s go for round two!”

Josh shakes his head and laughs as he turns back to the keg and pumps another cup full of cheap foamy beer for me.
 

Another guy comes up and gives Josh a quick hug and slap on the back before disappearing back into the crowd around with a nod of his head. Josh turns back to me; “Hey, listen, a few of us are going to go chill in the basement, do-”

“Yes.” I say it quickly, before I can even analyze what “going to go chill in the basement” even means. Because screw it, whatever it is, I’m in. Drugs?
Fine
. Some crazy make-out orgy or whatever goes on at these parties? Let’s do it.

Crazy make-out orgy?
I cringe and roll my eyes at my own weird thoughts. I mean it’s a high school keg-party, not
Eyes Wide Shut
.

The thumping bass music from upstairs grows muffled as we descend into the dimly lit underbelly of the basement. It’s smokey down here, and I blush as I see couples around the room, making out on couches and in dark corners.

See? Who’s talking crazy now, huh?

I shove my prudish inner voice aside with a big gulp of the beer in my hands as Josh leads us to a group of people on couches and chairs around a low table lit with candles and Christmas lights.

The boy from upstairs is down here, and he glances up and nods at Josh before looking back at the cigarette he’s playing with in his hands.

Uh, yeah, that’s not a cigarette, you square.
 

I’ve never
seen
pot in real life, but I’ve seen enough movies to know what the baggie of green oregano-looking stuff on the table next to him is.

OK, so if I was out of my element upstairs, I have officially gone off the reservation down here in the make-out drug den of the basement. Yes, there are warning bells, but I’m ignoring them as the buzz from my first chugged beer starts to warm through me. And for a second, I start to think of Knox, and I
almost
catch myself wishing he was here before I make a face into my beer;
God
no.

I mean
screw
Knox. Screw his bullshit and his holier-than-thou world experience. And
oh my God
, screw him for screwing someone’s
mom!
I mean,
gross!
So
utterly
disgusting!

Josh takes my hand and leads us to free spot on the couch near the table, next to the boy from upstairs.

It’s a little scary down here in the utter unknown and unfamiliarity of what I’m doing, but it’s also exciting. Because,
this
is what I need; someone to take my mind off of Knox. I need someone
normal
; a nice
normal
hookup before college. A hookup that doesn’t go around fucking people’s
mothers
.

A hookup that isn’t my damn
stepbrother
.

Josh coughs next to me, and I look up from my wayward thoughts to see him blowing smoke out through his lips as he passes me the rolled-up joint.

Well, here’s to a summer of firsts.

I’m coughing up a storm before I can even pass it to the girl sitting next to me, the potent smoke going right to my head and making me dizzy as my lungs scream for air.

Oh my GOD, who DOES this?!

I’m still coughing and sputtering with my eyes watering when
suddenly
it hits me, just like that. And then, I’m not wincing or coughing anymore, I’m just grinning like a big dope as I look around the circle at these people feeling giggly and free.

So THIS is what letting go feels like!

And just like that, I’m just letting all the pent up drama and
junk
weighing me down drift away. I’m pushing thoughts of school, and my dad pushing me, and most importantly
Knox
out of my head and just for
once
enjoying the moment.

Well, not for once, I guess. Because there are two other distinct times in life when I can do this; two other precise instances when I can allow myself to think of nothing but the now. One of them is when I’m on stage; when I’m singing and playing and just
in it
.

And the other is whenever I’m with Knox.

Goddamnit
.

The joint comes around again, and I’m shaking my head of
that
boy and giggling as I take it from Josh’s hand. Our fingers brush as I pluck it from his hand, and I smile up into his eyes at the contact.

Josh isn’t anyone for me, I know that. Sure, he’s handsome, and on the right path, and cultured, and
groomed
, but nothing about him grabs at me. Nothing about him sinks its hooks into me like-

Well, like
Knox
does.

But
that
whole thing needs to end, that much is obvious. Knox is the wrong move on every level, and a mistake I can’t afford to make. I need something
normal
, and there is
nothing
normal about fooling around with your stepbrother.

I’m remembering suddenly that I’ve never
really
drank before, and between the almost finished second beer in my hands and the pot, my head is starting to swim. I lean into Josh, laying my head against his shoulder as I let the music and the laughter and the
everything
of this moment just simmer into me.

He stiffens for a second, turning his attention from the boy next to him to glance at me and smile. He’s putting his arm around me, and part of me knows this isn’t anything I should be doing, and that doing
this
just to get Knox out of my head probably isn’t healthy, but I’m ignoring it all.

After all, I’m young, I’m tipsy, and Goddamnit, I want to make some mistakes in my life for once.

I turn my face up to Josh’s, a fuzzy smile on my lips; “Hey,” I say, summoning all the courage I’ve got in the world and drowning my doubt in it; “Can we
go
somewhere?”

Josh’s smiling face grows much more serious at my words, and he frowns uncomfortably as his eyes dart around my face; “Oh- uh,”

“
You know
,” I say, slurring my words a little and feeling tingly all over; “Somewhere
we
can go, to...uh-”

He shoots me an awkward smile; “Oh, yeah, no, Paige, I got what you meant, but-”

He frowns and shakes his head, looking down.

Oh my God, he’s saying no.

I’m suddenly feeling nauseous with humiliation, my face going bright red as I swallow the horrible feeling of rejection; “Oh- oh my God-”