Cruel Legacy (45 page)

He had known what she was saying.

Six months ago he would have shrugged aside her comment, telling her that his children barely knew he existed, that it was their mother they related to, but now things were different and yet Sally was still just as critical of his relationship with them now as she had been in the days when she used to accuse him of not taking enough interest in them and not spending enough time with them, of being jealous of than; only now she complained that he spoiled them and undermined her authority over them.

In fact, she had changed so much recently that she no longer seemed like his Sally, the girl he had fallen in love with and married.

Sally tensed as she heard Joel opening the kitchen door.

She was constantly on edge in his presence these days, terrified that she would somehow betray herself and that he would guess what she was doing, and yet, at the same time as she feared his discovery of her relationship with Kenneth, another part of her felt very let down and angry because he was so oblivious to what was happening to her, to the fear and panic that swept over her like lightning, piercing the dull, thick cloud of an oppressive, overcast sky, sharply illuminating changes she would really rather not have seen.

Some days she felt as though the Sally who was so drawn to Kenneth was someone who wasn't really a part of her, but rather a dangerous stranger who took over the real Sally, and then at other times it was her life with Joel that didn't seem real.

Sometimes when she looked at Joel she was overwhelmed by a feeling of panic, of her life being out of control, and the small, tight pain inside her became a huge, enveloping feeling of anger and resentment against Joel for being so oblivious to what was happening to her, for being deaf and blind to the fact that another man wanted to take her away from him.

But then Joel wasn't really interested in her feelings, was he? The leisure centre and the new friends he had made there—that was all he wanted to talk about.

A small knife-sharp pain twisted inside her as she remembered a comment one of the other nurses had made the previous day.

Everyone knew that Donna fancied herself and that she was a bit of a man-eater, always hinting at having men running after her, and normally Sally didn't pay much attention to anything she said, but yesterday she had made a point of seeking Sally out and saying purringly to her, 'I saw your Joel down at the leisure centre yesterday.. .he certainly looks good in a pair of swimming-trunks, doesn't he? I wouldn't mind getting a few private lessons from him myself,' she had added.

Joel had always been an attractive man and Sally had never been blind to the looks he attracted from other women, but this was the first time she had actually felt threatened—and upset by another woman's interest in him.

And yet why should she be? Surely the very best thing that could happen now was for Joel to find someone else. That way she would be free to go to Kenneth without feeling any guilt.

'You are going to be mine,' Kenneth had promised her. 'I won't let you go. I need you, Sally,' he had told her.

Once Joel and the children had needed her, but not any more. These days they scarcely seemed aware of her existence, she recognised bitterly.

Watching their children with Joel, she felt sometimes as though she was an outsider, invisible and unwanted, and her feelings gave her a frightening feeling of disorientation,
of
not, somehow, actually existing.

It was Kenneth who made her feel real... who made her feel she was important to him.

'But how will they manage without me?' she had whispered to Kenneth when he'd told her that he wanted her to leave Joel.

'How will
IT
he had asked her in return.

'You're late,' she told Joel, interrupting the conversation be had been having with Cathy.

The look in his eyes as he glanced at her over their daughter's head hurt her somehow.

'I'm sorry,' Joel apologised quietly. 'Neil wanted to discuss a new training programme he wants to try with me and '

'And that was far more important than getting back here so that I could leave for work on time,' Sally interrupted him bitterly. 'It's all right for you, Joel—you can do as you please; your time's your own. I don't have that choice— I have to go out to work...'

Sally actually loved nursing and she enjoyed the companionship of the other medical staff, but with the family financially dependent on her, and the increasing talk of cuts having to be made and of jobs being lost, didn't Joel realise how frightened and alone she felt?

She had always loved her home, too, but these days it didn't somehow feel as though it was hers any more.

It was Joel who hau suggested that it might be an idea to put up a dado rail in the living-room and to redecorate it, Joel who had noticed that the bathroom tiles needed regrouting and suggested that it might be an idea to consider replacing their shower with a modern and efficient one.

'And how are we supposed to pay for that?' she had demanded.

The phone rang just as she was putting on her coat and she froze as Joel went to answer it. She saw him frown and then replace the receiver with a brief shrug.

'Who was it?' she asked him nervously.

Did her voice sound as rough and anxious to him as it did to her?

Apparently not, because there was not a trace of any suspicion or concern in Joel's voice when he told her carelessly, 'I don't know; they hung up. Must have been a wrong number.'

Kenneth; it had to be Kenneth. He had rung several times at home already even though she had begged him not to do so.

As Joel looked across at Sally he was suddenly made aware again of just how tired and pale she looked.

As he watched her she lifted her hand and pushed her hair back off her face. A painful knot of emotion tightened inside him.

'Sal...'

Warily she looked at him.

'It's your day off tomorrow. Why don't we go out somewhere together.. .just the two of us?'

'Go somewhere? How can we?' She sighed. 'Have you really forgotten what I've got to do tomorrow, Joel?'

He was frowning now, the warmth gone from his voice, leaving it sharp with irritation.

'You're not still going on about your sister's damn wallpaper, are you? I told you. I am
not
redoing it...'

'Then
I'll
have to, won't I?'

'Sally,' Joel protested wearily, 'you...'

But it was too late; she was already halfway out of the door and plainly not interested in listening to whatever he had to say.

Didn't she realise how it would make him look if she went ahead and did it—how it would make that sister of hers crow? Couldn't she just for once have supported him... taken his side... seen his point of view instead of immediately siding with her sister, without even bothering to listen to him?

Sally felt as though Joel was a stranger to her these days, a different man from the one she had married—a different man even from the one who had been made redundant from Kilcoyne's.

He had been so unhappy, unable to talk or think about anything else. Now, though, Joel didn't seem to care any longer that he was out of work; he sang and whistled in the house, joked with the children, laughed and played with them in a way she had never known him do before.

He actually seemed to be enjoying life, as though... as though... As she struggled with her thoughts, fresh tears filled her eyes.

Once he would never have let her leave the house like that with an argument between them unresolved. Once he would have been the one to go to Daphne's and redo the wallpapering; once he would have been the first to notice that something was wrong and to demand to know what it was. Once he would have been immediately aware and suspicious of Kenneth's presence in her life; once he had thrown the warmth of his protection and his love around her as possessively as he had thrown his leg over her body in bed at night, drawing her close to him, securing her to him.

She shivered suddenly. He slept with his back to her now, leaving a cold, empty space in the bed between them.

Once he had told her that he would love and look after her forever.

Silently Joel watched as Sally carefully assembled everything she would need.

She hadn't spoken to him once this morning, studiously ignoring him, just as she had ignored the cup of tea he had made her, making herself a fresh one instead.

His irritation clashed with the guilt he was feeling.

He wished now he had never given in to that crazy impulse to ignore his suspicion that he was hanging the wallpaper the wrong way, but he was dammed if he was going to back down and give Daphne the triumph of belittling him a second time. Couldn't Sally see that her sister was just using him... them; couldn't she see just how she was playing into her hands by giving in to her?

He looked across at her. She had her back to him, and she looked tired and vulnerable, her shoulders slightly hunched. A feeling of pain and guilt swept over him. He put down his mug and walked over to her.

'All right, Sal,' he told her quietly. 'I'll do it. You...'

Angrily Sally whirled round. 'Oh, no, you won't,' she told him. 'Do you think I'd risk letting you touch that wallpaper after what you did the first time?'

She was over-reacting, Sally knew, but she couldn't help it. She was so tired and so confused that all she wanted to do was to spend the day in bed, safe from the rest of the world and all her problems. She knew that a part of her had been deliberately trying to goad and force Joel to do the wallpapering for her, and yet now that he had said that he would she felt irrationally angry with him, as though somehow by giving in to her he was in some way letting her down. As though he cared so little for her that it was easier to give in to her than to ask her what was wrong.

Joel did not care... it was like receiving an electric shock direct to her heart; it jerked violently against her breastbone and then started to thud frantically at high speed.

'I don't want you going anywhere near my sister's wallpapering,' she heard herself saying shakily to him. 'And I don't want you coming anywhere near me either,' she added, checking him as he took a step towards her.

She waited for Joel to say something, to explode and demand an explanation, but instead he simply looked at her. At her and then through her, she recognised numbly, as though she were a stranger—no, she corrected herself, as though she simply did not exist.

And then he turned away from her and walked over to the table, picking up his jacket and his car keys.

'Joel, where are you going?' Panic sharpened her voice but Joel didn't even turn round to look at her as he responded flatly,

'What the hell do you care?'

Joel
drove around for two hours before finally giving in and doing what he had wanted to do, ached to do from the moment he had closed the back door behind him and driven away

He saw the shock on her face as Philippa opened the door to him—and he saw something else as well.

She made no attempt to resist him as he took her in his arms, gathering her up against himself with gentle care. She felt slender and fragile, warm and softly woman-scented.

His body trembled with the fight to control his emotions as he kissed her with tender restraint and then kissed her again with no restraint at all when he felt her response to him.

'I had to see you,' he told her as he held her, kissing the top of her head, wrapping her tightly in his arms as though he never intended to let her go. But ultimately he would have to let her go, Philippa recognised; ultimately they would have to let one another go.

'You shouldn't be here,' she told him. 'We agreed '

'That we couldn't be lovers,' Joel interrupted her. His hands cupped her face, tilting it upwards so that he could look down at her. 'But we can still talk, can't we? Still be... friends...?'

'Oh, Joel. This... this thing between us isn't really real, you know,' she told him sadly. 'It's...it's just a...a fantasy...a...a mirage we've both conjured up because...'

'Oh, it's real to me,' Joel said fiercely. 'As real as the way I feel when I hold you in my arms... as real as the ache in my body when I lie awake wanting you at night...'

'You mustn't say that tome... You're married... No matter how strong my feelings for you were, I couldn't live with the knowledge that I'd broken up your marriage...'

'What marriage?' Joel asked her bitterly. 'Sally and I don't have a marriage any more. You can't break up something that no longer exists.'

Philippa could feel herself weakening. The feel of his body next to hers, the now dangerously familiar male scent of him, the warmth of him, his need and emotion were like a drug to her senses, senses which she was only just beginning to recognise that she had deliberately denied and starved into virtual non-existence for years in an attempt to conform to others' demands of her; a betrayal of herself as a woman.

She knew how much she wanted Joel, but she knew as well how vulnerable she was; habit had made her cautious, wary of expecting too much for herself.

Instinct told her that, no matter how much Joel might believe now that he wanted her, no matter how strongly he might believe that his marriage was dead, he still loved his wife. He had released her face and was holding one of her hands, lifting it to his mouth, gently caressing her palm and then her wrist with his lips.