Cruise Control
Authors: Terry Trueman
For Antonia Markiet
“⦠the possibility of the miracle is here with us
almost every day ⦔
âCharles Bukowski, “60 Yard Pass”
From
War All the Time:
Poems 1981â1984
CHAPTER ONE
M
y only brother is a veg. Yep, a full-fledged, drooling, fourteen-year-old idiot. If you were to call him that, you'd have a big problem on your handsânamely,
me
! But in fact, that's what my bro is. His name is Shawn, and he's got a totally whacked-out brain.
My name is Paul, but don't call me Pauly. I mean
never
. Two things annoy me more than anything else. First, anybody being mean to my brother, second, being called Pauly.
Shawn lives with usâmy sister, Cindy, and my mom, Lindy, and meâin our house here on Queen Anne Hill in Seattle. My dad, a piece of butt fluff named Sydney McDaniel, moved out on the rest of us a long time ago. After he left, he wrote a poem about my brother, won a dumb-ass Pulitzer Prize, got all famous, and now thinks he's cool. My dad wouldn't stay with us and help us take care of my brotherâno, he left me to handle all that so he could jet around and make a bunch of money whining about his tragic plight. He makes me want to puke. In case this isn't clear yetâI pretty much
hate
my dad.
Yeah, I've got what you might call a bad temper. Officially, I suppose you could say it's an “anger management” problem, although I've never had to go talk to a school counselor or anybody about it. Hey, it's not as big a problem for me as for the guys whose butts I kick. And every time I lose my temper and worry that I'm going too far, all I have to do is think about my old man, and
bam
, it's like hitting my violence refresh key.
My brother, Shawn, the veg, is sitting across the room from me right now. He's in his wheelchair, sitting where Mom always sets him, in front of the window looking out at the Olympic Mountains and Puget Sound. There's this big strand of spit hanging off Shawn's lower lip down onto the front of his T-shirt and coveralls. Shawn's T-shirt is a Denver BroncosâOrange Crush number, about twenty years old. I think it used to belong to my dad. Dad left lots of his useless junk here when he moved out.
Shawn's also wearing special coveralls because he wears diapers and these coveralls have tear-apart inseamsâyou know, like the Velcro tear-apart warm-ups they give you for sports. Why Mom doesn't use regular warm-up pants, so that Shawn doesn't look like such a totally messed-up dweeb, is a mystery to me. I even gave Mom two pair of my old warm-ups that I had left over after my sophomore and junior varsity b-ball seasons. No good. Mom's committed to making sure Shawn looks moronic, and he does.
Now Shawn is going “ahhhhhh ⦠ahhhhhh” over and over again, just making noise to entertain himself. He does this a lot; it's actually pretty irritating. Shawn is “profoundly developmentally disabled.” That's what the doctors call him. He can't feed himself, walk, talk, or do anything at all. Yep, my bro's a veg.
It's funny, though, that in some ways I sometimes kind of envy Shawn. He doesn't have a clue in the world about what's happening around him. He just sits there and drools and goes “ahhhhh” all day. He doesn't worry about the stuff that makes my life crazy, like what college might take him or whether he's going to get an athletic scholarship, or anything at all. My life, a lot of the time, feels like a car roaring down the freeway in cruise control, where you don't even have to touch the gas, only I'm on bald tires going 120 miles per hour, wild-ass flying, and I have no idea where I'm headed, and maybe the cruise control is broken and I can't even slow down. Shawn never worries about that kind of crap. He can't worry about anything, since he's got no brain.
Suddenly there's a huge gasping sound and I know that it's not quite true that Shawn has
no
brain. You can't have a seizure, like he's having right now, if you don't have any brain at all. I walk over to Shawn. His seizure, something they call a grand mal, starts with a crazy-sounding laugh and a strange, completely weird smile. But now his face is twisted and quivering, lips a bluish-purple color, eyes staring and glazed over. His arms, hands, and legs shake and vibrate as the electrical crap in his brain slams his body. There's a sickening odor coming from him, like the smell of vomit. As I reach his side, I hear him choking and gagging.
I touch his head gently, letting my hand rest above his ear, and now I brush his hair back off his forehead like I've seen Mom do a thousand times when she's helping him through a seizure. Saliva pours out of his mouth, and for almost a whole minute, since that first gasping sound, he can't breathe. His face turns redder and redder until finally he gasps loud again and collapses into his chair. He starts to breathe normally and his color turns a yellowish pale. Every time this seizure crap happens, I worry about what if he doesn't start breathing again.
So Shawn's got a brain all rightâa
useless
one that does nothing but hurt him.
“I sometimes kind of envy Shawn”? Rightâwhat the hell was I thinking, especially since
I'm
the guy most other kids envy?
At the risk of sounding full of myself (hey, it's not bragging if you can back it up), I'm the best athlete in our school. I was last year too, even though I was only in eleventh grade then. I've been the starting quarterback on our football team since halfway through our sophomore year. I'm starting point guard and captain on our basketball team, and I play third base, the hot corner, on our baseball team. If you asked any kid in our school who is the studliest jock, they'd tell you it's me. I also get straight As. Sorry, but it's all true.
How sick is this: I'm the major jock-stud in a high school of over eighteen hundred kids, but my brother has the brain of a badminton birdie and a body to match. I've got everything and he's got nothing. I'm a three-year, three-sport letterman and Shawn can't even stand up! Like I said, sick, huh?
Sometimes life really sucks!
L
ike I said, I've got a temper. It's so bad, it makes me sick sometimes. Last summer these two bullies were picking on Shawn, and I almost burned them alive. Really, I flipped out and poured gasoline all over them and then tried to set them on fire. Only my sister, Cindy, stopped me from doing it. Hey, they were picking on little messed-up, in-a-wheelchair, idiot Shawnâthese two wads were flicking a Bic lighter right under Shawn's chin and laughing at him! But worse than my nearly killing themâsomething else happened that day that I don't talk about. Maybe that's why I'm so pissed off all the time, but I don't know for sure and I don't even like to
think
about it, so never mind.
But being the brother to a kid like Shawn isn't easy. I love him because he's my brother, but he can't do or feel anything, I mean
anything
, and it's hard to love someone who can't love back. Then, of course, you feel like a total butt wad to say something like that because it basically means that the only reason you love somebody is to get their love in return, which is pretty selfish. There's probably some big psychological explanation to why fighting, even though I hate it, sometimes feels so good to me and why I often think about Shawn and my dad and our family being so messed up when I'm kicking the crap out of somebodyâbut to be honest, I don't really care about psychology. All I know is that sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode, and fighting, as sick as it feels afterward, gives me some kind of weird relief.
My baddest fights actually happen in my dreams. In these dreams, a lot of the times it's my dad and me going at it, and he's tough and tall and stronger than he is in real life, and he's hurting me. Shawn is usually there, sitting back in his wheelchair, real quiet, just watching us. But finally I always get the upper hand on my old man, and as I'm pounding on him, he wants me to quit. But no matter how much he begs, no matter how hurt he is, I can't seem to stop. These dreams are nightmares really; sometimes I've got blood all over my hands and Dad's face is being shredded. It's always ugly and messy and horrible.
Why do I hate my dad so much? Isn't it obvious? He left us. He ran away from Mom and Cindy and me, but most of all from Shawn. How could Dad abandon a kid who needs him like Shawn does? And how can I ever go anywhere or do anything with my life when I'm the only guy left around here? How can I go away to college and leave Mom and Shawn with nobody to watch out for them? My dad is a self-centered jerk. If he didn't send money every month to pay for our family's expenses, I'd give him the bloody, vicious ass whippin' he deserves for ruining my life and for running out on my brother. Since I'm not allowed to kick my dad's ass, I guess maybe sometimes I take it out on other people.
But I worry that someday, fighting the way I do, I'm going to go too far and get into serious trouble. So I try to push all this out of my mind and concentrate on sportsâwhere I always work harder than anybody else. Right now, it's basketball season. I love hoops, and it helps me keep from being crazy.